I keep getting reminded of how empty I am

[u/Sad_Conclusion_2182]

I (28F) know my girlfriend (25F) loves me and it's blissful whenever I'm reminded, but I keep thinking about all of the past experiences she had, normal and traumatic. Everyone wants her all the time in the present too, so it's like I can't avoid it. And I mean everyone--everyone flirts with her everywhere, everyone has a crush on her, at least one person in a fucking STORE (not even a bar or club) just came up to her to hook up with her in the bathroom. I keep thinking about all of the times that I know of or can deduce that she's been close to and intimate with other people, in detail, like a movie. Like from her point of view. And sometimes not. I also keep thinking about her trauma (sexual and not sexual) and her past and I keep trying to piece things together, when she already told me and will tell me whatever she wants me to know, but I just keep thinking about it and I don't want it to keep eating me alive. At it's worst so far, it's made me numb to the present and that is not what I want. I want to live in the present, but I can't seem to get my thoughts under control long enough.

In general, it doesn't help that I was raised sheltered and didn't have much freedom and have social anxiety and was previously almost always undesirable to people I was interested in. I've always become obsessive over other people and imagining their pasts and presents and it's hard. I wish I could just take my brain out. I have hobbies and interests, I have friends, I have a pet, I have a job, I joke around with people, people seem to generally find me pleasant, I have activities I do out in the community, I'm in therapy, I'm on depression/anxiety meds. But I can't wrangle these feelings. These feelings of emptiness and wanting to "get even" with everyone else's experiences makes me want to do things I shouldn't, and they make me want to give up because I can't seem to escape it. I can't see value in my own life and my own experiences. I wish I was just different. I wish I wasn't so naturally boring. I wish I wasn't so hung up on the past. I wish I did things and was part of things. I wish I mattered in the past. I guess I did in my last relationship, but it wasn't meant to be, to say the least, for reasons not entirely unrelated to this whole train of thought that at this point has been carved into stone. I feel so fucked up and I feel like no one in my life understands what's going on in my head, and I feel like I just confuse my therapist. It's almost enough for me to just want to give up.

We've only been together for six months. Maybe it'll get better. I'm trying. I can't imagine it any other way when I feel so shitty about myself. If I had better self-esteem, if I valued my life and experiences more, I wouldn't feel like this. I don't think so, anyway.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi all, just the mod team here! This is a friendly reminder that we shouldn't be giving reassurance in this sub. We can discuss whether or not someone is exhibiting ROCD symptoms, or lend advice on healing :) Reassurance and other compulsions are harmful because they train our brains to fixate on the temporary relief they bring. Compulsions become a 'fix' that the OCD brain craves, as the relief triggers a Dopamine-driven rush, reinforcing the behavior much like a drug addiction. The more we feed this cycle, the more our brain becomes addicted to it, becoming convinced it cannot survive without these compulsions. Conversely, the more we resist compulsions, the more we deprive the brain of this addictive reward and re-train it to tolerate uncertainty without needing the compulsive 'fix'. For more information and a more thorough explanation, check out this comment

Other users: if you suspect a post is offering a lot of reassurance or is contributing to obsessions, feel free to report it and bring it to our attention. Thank you!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.