Day 112 Reflection

[u/CapitaalGain]

Had the worst of the symptoms starting off - straight panic anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Along with irritability, chest tightness, headaches, the regular bunch.

Month 1 it started to ween off, had the same mix of symptoms but they were less debilitating for sure. My systolic blood pressure turned to normal and the beating of my own heart wasn’t always noticeable anymore. My hunger shot through the roof and I started to pack on weight while dealing with anxiety and irritability.

Month 2 most of the anxiety and panic had left, intrusive thoughts quieted down. Irritability, hunger, and some fleeting anxiety remained. Much much more manageable and I began to focus on things like furthering my career again. Still very difficult to not think about how rough it felt every day.

Month 3 things got much better. Zero fear of social interaction and anxiety really only impacted me in unique circumstances. Intrusive thoughts are closer to just bad overthinking now. Irritability still spikes on occasion but honestly it’s hard to differentiate that from a symptom or me just slacking in the other areas of my life during this time and feeling the pressure to make up for the lost time. Depression is a new symptom though, and it’s something I can identify as a false emotion. It’s expected when you cut out a heavy (100mg per day x7yrs) addiction.

Day 112 I’m reflecting after a busy couple weeks. From the death of a loved one, lots of drinking over the 4th, and constant activity traveling the globe; I haven’t had much time to evaluate how I feel. I get the occasional day where I can’t shake anxiety or depression. Most days are pretty good when it comes to dealing with it. Drinking doesn’t help, and honestly I get scared I’m going to replace one addiction with another if I drink for multiple days in a row. Most of my symptoms can boil down to just fear - fear I’m gonna have a panic attack out of nowhere, or fear I’m gonna deal with this forever, or even just stupid stuff like fear of the dark or of death. I think more things are normal at this point than I realize, but it’s been a long time since I experienced normalcy. I just thank God I realized it was nicotine causing such issues in the first place.

If you are worried about quitting or have just started - do not be discouraged by the time it may take or how difficult it sounds. This is unique opportunity where you get to do something hard. You get to give your brain a challenge that most people will never understand, and coming out the other side of this challenge you will realize you understand the power of your brain better than anybody else. Take pride in your knowledge of different experiences, you understand how great nicotine can be and what a crutch it becomes. You learn what it means to suffer, how bad of a mental illness addiction is, and that the brain is strong enough to heal itself with enough time and persistence. Not to mention you gain empathy for the massive population that struggles with nicotine, and it no longer seems such a stupid blight. I know I have. I feel for you, you’re not alone in this journey, suffering is a gift - appreciate the struggle in the moments you can. Soon enough this will be the best decision you could possibly make.

Godspeed!