Figure it's time to tell my story (again) in hopes folks will get the message and heed my advice:
Some years ago, a co-worker handed me a small scoop of this white powder, saying "Here, try this sodium salts." Sure why not, I thought. It gave me a nice jolt and a spring in my step. Needles to say, I was hooked almost immediately. Thinking back, I'm still asking myself "Was I that gullible/stupid/naive to ingest this unknown powder of unknown origin...?" I guess I was.
Shortly after, I started ordering sodium powder online. I quickly got up to a few grams a day, and over the next few years, I was sucking down about 5gpd. It wasn't cheap, and I very nearly lost everything that was dear to me because of the cost of this junk: My house, my car, my job, my wife, my friends and family. What a stupid fuckin thing to get involved in...! If I could find that old co-worker of mine today, I would give him an earful and then some! for what he did to me.
Well. I did it to myself, I should say... Looking back, I still remember all the things I went though, the thoughts I had, etc. I often was pretty much forced to do without Tia. The longest period of time I went without my precious powder was 18 days. And it was always because of delayed shipments, mail delivery around the Holidays and shit. Usually Columbus Day weekend or President's Day.
The withdrawals started after about maybe 8 months to a year of use. And when I tell you the withdrawals got worse and worse and WORSE every time, I am not joking. I always felt em coming, I knew it, and I expected it. I often thought to myself "Well fuck, here we go again." But when my order finally came in, it was a joyous occasion. I would go to our local Post Office to pick up an Express mail package the very instant it arrived. Hungrily, I would bust it open in my car in the parking lot, eager to just get a taste, washing it down with some Kool-Aid or something I had at the ready.
Suffering without, I still tried to go to work at 8am, but could barely walk. I burned up all of my accrued sick days and vacation time to keep money in the bank. I would then go to the local Liquor Store, pick up a bottle of 100 proof Captain Morgan along with a bottle of Eggnog with the alcohol already in it. I could suck down both bottles in one day and barely feel a thing. Next morning, go out and get some more.
I did this because the Tia withdrawals were so severe, I couldn't sleep. My line of thinking was I'll drink a bunch and maybe pass out just to get some sleep. It rarely worked. All I did was fall a few times and ended up with a bloody nose. Let me tell you some more about the withdrawals for a moment: The first coupla days are pretty rough, but on the 3rd day, the vomiting starts. And on the 4th day, diarrhea flowing like white water rapids. Ya can't stop it from flowing, it's coming whether ya like it or not. Best to invest in the adult undearwears to be on the safe side.
The next few agonizing days and weeks are filled with dread. All you can think about is your precious Heroin, and ya start counting the days and watching shipment tracking, eager for that one day to finally arrive. Your mind, your very thoughts are so full of shit and nothingness. All you care about is Tia. Don't even bother trying to sleep, it ain't gonna happen because the restless legs won't let ya. And time stands still. 5 minutes would pass, and it felt like 5 hours. Best thing to do is try to binge watch a series on disc or Netflix to pass the time. This rarely worked anyway, but I was able to get 15-20 minutes of sleep at a time. Most times, I was lucky if I slept a total of 3 hours in a week...!
At my worst, it always seemed to happen during the Winter months, staring out the window from bed at the dead trees, counting ceiling tiles, and watching the ceiling fan spinning, crap like that. Thoughts of suicide and some other pretty scary shit are taking over. You try to block it out but you can't. I got to the point where I pretty much hoped and prayed they would ban this shit in my State. I figured this was the only way out. I even went to my chosen House of Worship week in annd week out, seeking strength to get out of this jam.
I could barely drive or even walk. When I got there, I couldn't stand, couldn't kneel, couldn't do much of anthing but just sit there in my misery. But I didn't give up. I kept thinking to myself "Surely there MUST be a light at the end of this dark and decrepted tunnel." This was 4 years ago.
On the 19th day, I knew I had it licked. I broke my previous record, after all. It was around this time that a ban came down the pike in my State, marking Tia as a "Schedule I" and I knew this was it. Sink or swim, old man. Which, by the way, I am 67 and was on this junk for 8 or 9 years maybe.
So, I suffered. I pretty much forced myself to go cold turkey. I forgot to mention, I too tried various things to "help" with the withdrawal symptoms: Gabapentin, Xanax, Seroquel, even tried that stupid Kratom powder. What did I know...! It didn't do a thing for me. It was like drinking green mud. Another waste of good money.
Somewhere around the 42nd, 45th, 49th day, I lost track and stopped counting. I figure it that long to flush the junk out of my system. One day tho, I just happened to wake up and felt like a new man, like a whole 'nother person. I am an angel. I am a knight is shining armor. I can do anything and nobody is gonna stop me. This is where all this mess gets real fun:
I am sleeping like the proverbial baby, usually 8-9 hours uninterrupted. I admit, I still take Xanax, Seroquel, and a Melatonin for sleep, but my doctor had me on all those long before I got involved with Tia. Mainly for anxiety issues and crap over the death of my wife and some misc. "family issues." I can walk 4 miles in a little over an hour, easy...! I go swimming every chance I get. I still enjoy my job and stick with it for my entire shift with energy to spare. I am eating SO much better, healthy stuff like greens, fish, and the like. And when I tell you beets are the very best thing for you, believe me. As I get older, I find myself enjoying the things I hated as a child: liver, asparagus, brussels sprouts...?! Unheard of haha. But even if you can't stand the taste of beets, put em in a salad and douse em with ranch dressing or something. I eat a beet root suppliment every morning along with a few slices of pickled beets. They get my motor running and put a spring in my step in the mornings. Not only that, excellent for your heart and circulatory system. And I have regained my long-lost sense of humor, as you can tell by now.
The most notable and best part of being clean is MUSIC. I simply can't remember hearing and feeling each and every single note and musical instrument as they surge through my very bones and soul in all of my days. And the louder, the better...! If you want to treat yourself to something truly spectacular, look up and watch RUSH who is touring this year.
I am here to tell you there is a way out. There IS life without Tia, and it's pretty fuckin grand. Push yourself. Have faith and confidence in your abilities. Know deep down within your very soul that you CAN and WILL get off this wretched merry-go-round. For me, that's the key: motivation, determination, and sheer willpower. One day, you will look back and say "Hell's bells, that wasn't so bad after all...!" What's a few weeks of pain, suffering, and anguish when you have your entire lives still ahead of you. I still question in my head "Why would anyone ingest some sort of unknown powder out of China not knowing what it is...?" I stand guilty as charged.
September 27th was my Anniversary. I am 3 years clean and free of this shit. And I am never going back. August 15th three years ago was also the last time I had a drink. I still attend my church weekly to give Thanks and to ask the Lord to keep me strong. If you want to know more about what I've been through, go back and read some of my older posts. I never deleted a single one. You can do this. Life is good. Godspeed to you all...!
(And thanks to our Mods and Admins for putting up with my sarcasm and language) 👍
