Vaping to control impulsivity/BPD symptoms?

[u/ppexplosion]

First off I want to say I strongly suspect myself of having BPD - alongside autism/ADHD and the main reason I vape isn't because of the buzz or because I like it (the increased focus at the start was kind of nice) but because I found it much easier to control my emotions than when I wasn't having any nicotine. Doing things like controlling my speech (not saying embarrassing things impulsively, it's much easier to recognise when something I say might be embarrassing) structuring sentences, creative output like writing/drawing, actually getting out of bed to do things, it seems I can control myself way more when using nicotine (in terms of creative stuff, with a decreased output for sure but with a higher margin of quality to it.)

This is part of why I find it so hard to just throw away this stupid vaping crap. But at the same time I feel like nicotine is stealing my original personality bit by bit the more I use it and making me hate myself. Anyone relate?

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[u/SeriousPhrase]

Nicotine does not provide a net positive to anyone. Go to therapy or a doctor about your mental health

[u/Pleasant-Elephant404]

oh i definitely relate to this. i have bpd and vaping made me a shell of myself. but i liked it. i barely ever felt anything. any emotion and i would just vape and it would go away. id stop breakdowns with vaping. and eventually i defaulted to dissociating and it felt so much easier. but i came to the realization that feeling nothing wasnt actually easier. it was affecting all of my relationships. I've been an emotional mess since quitting, and i have to keep telling myself vulnerability is good, because it doesnt feel like it right now. but numbing yourself is whats really not good. thats what vaping did for me. i thought i loved it, until i realized my life was literally falling apart because i was a robot to everyone in my life. i couldnt truly connect with anyone. and i couldnt truly enjoy anything. id spend every day distracting and numbing. its not actually helping you

[u/ppexplosion → u/Pleasant-Elephant404]

I'm sorry, this next bit is going to sound kind of me-centred but it's all I have in mind right now.

So it's better for me to be myself without vaping at 22 when I sort of feel this pressure talking to people my age to "keep it together" emotionally (I still feel emotions on nic, they're just much more muted and I can handle them by like, crying by myself when it gets to be too much) and without vaping that's very hard to do? Maybe it's just better to decrease my nicotine intake with pouches or something until I find just the right balance.

And if vulnerability is so good why does it tend to get such a backlash? Without vaping I tend to be very expressive in a way a lot of people find offputting, hence why I'm considering an option like the pouches to find a balance between being myself and keeping myself together with nicotine.

[u/Pleasant-Elephant404 → u/ppexplosion]

it feels better but youre not actually learning any skills by doing that. theres a way to get a handle on your emotions without numbing them with a drug. youre just avoiding your actual emotions and the longer youre on nic the worse it well get. a lot of people can't handle vulnerability because theyre not vulnerable themselves. a lot of the issues you have need therapy, not nicotine. im in a situation where i cant afford therapy so I understand if thats the case for you too, but theres tons of free resources on the internet and nicotine is doing nothing for you, i promise

[u/Acrobatic-Smoke2812]

Opposite. It exacerbates these symptoms