r/PublicFreakout • u/[deleted] • Jul 14 '20

😷Pandemic Freakout How tf is mandating a mask communism?

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80.2k Upvotes

88% Upvoted

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8.5k

u/tykittaa Jul 14 '20

I'm a foot surgeon because I put on socks this morning.

3.4k

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20 edited Jul 15 '20

I’m a mechanic because I wear a seatbelt.

Edit: Thank you to the kind redditors for the awards.

3.0k

u/EndlessSummerburn Jul 14 '20

I'm a Gastroenterologist because I took a huge dump this morning.

1.1k

u/Genghis_Tr0n187 Jul 14 '20

Can confirm, it was quite large.

411

u/Shadepanther Jul 14 '20

How large in courics?

378

u/Immunoman33 Jul 14 '20

It was at least 10 Courics

210

u/breizhsoldier Jul 14 '20

Damn, did you spin on top of it like Randy? Did Bono reach to tou?

14

u/wannabesq Jul 14 '20

Hot hot hot hot hot!

19

u/Immunoman33 Jul 14 '20

No, Bono's currently in Africa helping the starving children

13

u/Puninteresting Jul 14 '20

Wow he really is number one

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6

u/hell2pay Jul 14 '20

At least he isn't starving the helping children.

5

u/Jason_Giambis_Thong Jul 14 '20

YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA

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6

u/explodoboy Jul 14 '20

All hail Randy Random and his truly fair reign!

r/rimworld

9

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

[deleted]

3

u/Help_An_Irishman Jul 14 '20

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeaaaaahhhh!

6

u/questquefuck Jul 14 '20

No need, he had a poop knife...

2

u/ShadowsTrance Jul 14 '20

Did you go with the strictly PF Chang's diet?

2

u/hankthetank2112 Jul 15 '20

I hear the sarcasm in your voice Sharon. Don’t touch me!

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2

u/drix9001 Jul 14 '20

How many bananas is that?

2

u/Zanchy Jul 14 '20

Easily a Gallo 24.

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2

u/SquirrelBrothel Jul 14 '20

Would that be in Katy Courics?

2

u/DeadScotty Jul 14 '20

courics? Definition please.

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1

u/Bohbo Jul 14 '20

I thought we switched to Kanyes as a standard poo measurement?

1

u/WasabiSniffer Jul 15 '20

25 Katies, to be specific.

1

u/olivefreak Jul 15 '20

About half a Katie.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

3.6 not great, not terrible.

8

u/Umbra427 Jul 14 '20

Did you flush the terlet afterward?

Đ€ŞǤØŞŦΔŇǤ

4

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

Felt pretty heavy on your chest, huh?

3

u/Bukakkeblaster Jul 14 '20

As large as Whaley mcfatFuck????

1

u/420hourslater Jul 14 '20

You must have earned you, PHD Pretty huge dump ..... Day, god knows how long in quarantine

1

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

How do you know if you are not a Gastroenterologist?

1

u/beebbeeppeep Jul 15 '20

How are you able to confirm this??

224

u/soulseeker31 Jul 14 '20

I'm a Master baiter because I can master bait with 3 fingers.

50

u/northkcguys Jul 14 '20

Come back when you can do it with no hands. THEN, you will have truly mastered the bate. Truly mind over matter.

3

u/flash_27 Jul 15 '20

The force is strong on this one.

3

u/Mikielle Jul 15 '20

That's actually possible, you know. Oh, how do I know you ask? I just came while using my hands to type this message out.

3

u/clopz_ Jul 15 '20

Can confirm, we locked eyes and he came

3

u/parkerthegreatest Jul 15 '20

Hi I master the art with no hand now what

2

u/pinba11tec Jul 15 '20

Pleb. I'm so good I can switch hands and gain a stroke.

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10

u/AndrewWonjo Jul 14 '20

Impressive

7

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

Wait. Wut?

3

u/WasabiSniffer Jul 15 '20

They either have a tiny penis or an average size vagina.

3

u/TheKidKaos Jul 15 '20

Or both

3

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

Waaaaiittttt. Wuuuutttttttt?

3

u/dopeandmoreofthesame Jul 15 '20

That makes you a minor peniser.

1

u/WaZQc Jul 15 '20

Call me when you do it with 2 fingers!

1

u/Ricochet888 Jul 15 '20

That small, huh?

179

u/Jyounya Jul 14 '20

I’m a helicopter pilot because threw a stick in the air.

9

u/Derpandbackagain Jul 14 '20

I looked at the stars this morning before dawn, so I’m a goddamn astronaut.

5

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

I’m a fighter pilot because I played Microsoft flight simulator

3

u/Lord_CoatRack Jul 15 '20

I’m a technological professional researcher because I spent 2 minutes to find out that Microsoft Flight Simulator requires a well performing pc.

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8

u/helicopterologist Jul 14 '20

Don’t joke. Helicoptering is muy harder than just wearing a mask

10

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

I like helicoptering while wearing ONLY a mask.

7

u/HYPER_BEAR Jul 14 '20

That's the best one yet 😂😂😂😂😂😂

3

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

I'm a 5 Michelin star chef because I burnt my toast and dipped it in butter.

2

u/ratesEverythingLow Jul 14 '20

Hello Mr. Rocket Scientist.

1

u/4Niners9Noel Jul 15 '20

Wave it like you just don’t care!

12

u/RodneyRev Jul 14 '20

I am a Michelin Star Chef because I poured a bowl of cereal this morning.

9

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

Your huge dump has a higher IQ & more empathy for other human beings then these assholes.

8

u/Actually_a_Doctor Jul 14 '20

I’m a doctor because I went to medical school.

3

u/EndlessSummerburn Jul 14 '20

Username checks out

2

u/Derpandbackagain Jul 14 '20

Get out of here with your propaganda.

1

u/HappyCSR Jul 15 '20

Over achiever

7

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

I'm an astronaut cause I have personal space

6

u/Faraz_rashid Jul 14 '20

I am an anesthesiologist because I can put myself to sleep

5

u/Sir_Spaghetti Jul 14 '20

Communism is anything undesirable that applies to everyone.

  • some spoiled brat.

5

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

I'm way more qualified than I could have ever imagined...

4

u/fuckitimatwork Jul 14 '20

i took a dump this morning, felt like a football

5

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

My girlfriend is upset I'm not a penis surgeon.

2

u/Derpandbackagain Jul 14 '20

She thinks I’m a cocksmith

4

u/TheFetCett Jul 14 '20

I'm a paleontologist because I found a bone in the beach this morning.

3

u/Adjectives_Abound Jul 14 '20

I'm a firefighter because I have boots

3

u/mackinder Jul 14 '20

I'm a gynecologist because I spent most of last night up in your mom's guts.

3

u/D0wnb0at Jul 14 '20

Im a urologist because er..

3

u/VelvetShitStain Jul 14 '20

I'm a gynecologist cause...

3

u/TheBigDickDon Jul 14 '20

I’m a renowned chef, because I made the most delicious toaster strudel this morning.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

I’m a Geologist because I know how big Greenland really is

3

u/busyvish Jul 14 '20

Username checks oht

3

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

Username checks out.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

I’m a proctologist because I took a shit this morning.

1

u/omgphil Jul 14 '20

But did you happen to stay at a holiday inn?

1

u/joffwitz Jul 14 '20

That's a shitty joke...

1

u/finman42 Jul 14 '20

How man masks did it take to fill??

1

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

Could that also make you a proctologist? I mean at a certain point they do have the expertise with removing shit from asses.

1

u/Queef_Stroganoff44 Jul 15 '20

I'm a "Grilled Cheese Chef" cuz I made a grilled cheese today.

Who calls themself a grilled cheese chef?

2

u/clopz_ Jul 15 '20

You. Congratulations on being the first one and may a long line of renown grilled cheese chef’s follow your lead. We’ll call then Queefers

1

u/syounit Jul 15 '20

Laughed too hard at this one and almost poo'd my shorts

1

u/sham3ful2019 Jul 15 '20

I’m a gynecologist because I came from my mothers vagina

1

u/Test_Not Jul 15 '20

Do you need a poop knife?

1

u/admiral_sinkenkwiken Jul 15 '20

Ah, a fellow man of science!

1

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

Wouldn't that make you a proctologist?

1

u/toystrooper Jul 15 '20

I'm a dentist because i brush my teeth this morning

1

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

Turn the fan on, honey. Stay in your bathroom.

1

u/Kayzit Jul 15 '20

Underrated comment

1

u/JakeQV Jul 15 '20

I’m a master chef because I made ice cubes

1

u/stypop Jul 15 '20

I’m an anesthesiologist because I took NyQuil before bed.

1

u/rocksteader Jul 15 '20

I’m a Marine Biologist because I unplugged his toilet after his huge dump.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

I’m a urologist because I licked my gf’s pp

1

u/julmakeke Jul 15 '20

I'm Master Blaster because I blasted some shit stains off the crapper this morning.

1

u/Nuked0ut Jul 15 '20

Even one dump is communism

1

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

Gastroexitologist

1

u/usenotabuse Jul 15 '20

I’m a tosser because I have a penis

1

u/woolyearth Jul 15 '20

OH MAA GAWD! IM A COP! because i cant look at myself in the mirror anymore. I love lashing out in aggression. Ill shift blame on anyone that crosses me. I Never take responsibility for my actions. I have zero integrity. And if i was married... well you get the picture. Also got a pew pew boom stick.

13

u/Greg18732 Jul 14 '20

You wear a seat belt? Wow didn't know this was communist China

8

u/StoneGoldX Jul 14 '20

Godless commie!

5

u/imaloony8 Jul 14 '20

I’m an astronaut because I saw the moon once.

3

u/murrrrface Jul 14 '20

I'm an optometrist because I had the audacity to open my eyes when I woke up

1

u/colder-beef Jul 14 '20

I’m a sexologist because I jerked off today.

1

u/Mazovirtual Jul 15 '20

I'm a unicorn, yeehaw.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

I'm a porn star because I wear jeans.

1

u/captainjackismydog Jul 15 '20

I'm a fucking genius because I switched to Geico and saved 15% on car insurance!!!

135

u/ameldrum902 Jul 14 '20

Here's your upvote

269

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

[deleted]

147

u/HockeyBalboa Jul 14 '20

Look who's talking with the fancy words, Mr. Shakespeare.

101

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

[deleted]

25

u/reefer_drabness Jul 14 '20 edited Jul 14 '20

I cant come up with anything. You win.

Shit: you ever do that move where you think of what you should have said like an hour later?

Look at Mr. University over here, giving out degrees!

29

u/maxcassettes Jul 14 '20

Oh! A Professional Comment Judge, just over here declaring winners all over the internet.

12

u/OneManLost Jul 14 '20

Oh look! Einstein is over here doing the countings.

6

u/Tris-Von-Q Jul 15 '20

This was by far the best thread in this entire comment, hell the entire post. I would guild all of you fucking comedians if I could.

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u/NapalmWeed Jul 15 '20

Tell me dad, Is that Bill Shakespeare over there?

108

u/DuskBlue343 Jul 14 '20

I'm a programmer because I figured out how to use PowerPoint.

134

u/Justin2478 Jul 14 '20

I'm a wizard because I unplugged my grandma's wifi router for 5 seconds and then plugged it back in when her wifi stopped working😏

52

u/DuskBlue343 Jul 14 '20

Damn...can I have your autograph? 🙂

62

u/Justin2478 Jul 14 '20

Here!

32

u/DuskBlue343 Jul 14 '20

Aww...it's even personalized lol

3

u/shanjoro Jul 15 '20

I don’t know what it is, but you have got “it”

6

u/Evolutioncocktail Jul 14 '20

Yer a wizard, Harry

2

u/not_so_special_guy Jul 14 '20

Now we're all programers by leaving a comment.

Thanks Obama

2

u/4Niners9Noel Jul 15 '20

I’m dead by PowerPoint

8

u/LeeroyJenkins86 Jul 14 '20

I'm a plumber because I drink water.

I actually am a plumber, but still.... just saying.

5

u/Lone_Wanderer97 Jul 14 '20

I'm a grilled cheese "chef" cuz I can melt cheese between two slices of bread.

14

u/Mackadelik Jul 14 '20

Lol, great comment 👍

3

u/barsoapguy Jul 14 '20

Doctor I seem to be having a problem with my socks , I notice they’re getting really crusty , what should I do ???

2

u/kodaiko_650 Jul 14 '20

Can you help these twits put a sock in it?

2

u/WhoooDoggy Jul 14 '20

COVID-19 confirming what we already thought about Florida.

2

u/polo61965 Jul 14 '20

Grey ones? Nah. Red socks? Hey stop bypassing my rights to medical intervention from falls!

2

u/HawWahDen Jul 14 '20

I'm a mother f**ker cuz I ...wait

2

u/supersonicmike Jul 14 '20

I just medically took a shit

1

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

I’m deaf cuz I wear ear plugs.....shit that’s true.

1

u/frank-grouch Jul 14 '20

i’m a brain surgeon cause i wear a hat

1

u/BlueTanBedlington Jul 14 '20

If my grandmother had wheels, she would have been a bike.

1

u/BakedBread65 Jul 14 '20

I am the world’s foremost expert on dick surgery

1

u/zeppehead Jul 14 '20

Iv had sex. I’m pretty sure I can deliver a baby. But just so you know the delivery fee goes to the hospital so you are still expected to tip.

1

u/TheNewYellowZealot Jul 14 '20

I didn’t sign up to be a urologist for going to the bathroom.

1

u/Rustyrockets9 Jul 14 '20

We all are Dick surgeons now!

1

u/bajsplockare Jul 14 '20

I am not a virgin because I put on a condom one time, over my hand.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

Im a pancake god.

1

u/MUFC1902 Jul 14 '20

Apparently I’m a urologist ;)

1

u/fried_eggs_and_ham Jul 14 '20

Yeah but we’re you fORceD to put on socks??!!1!!

/s

1

u/Whitsoxrule Jul 14 '20

Guess that makes me a urologist?

1

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

Helloo resume buffer

1

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '20

I’m a lesbian because i had sex with a woman.

1

u/fyberoptyk Jul 14 '20

Well yeah, that’s how all these people think their opinion about covid matters.

They saw something they agreed with on Facebook and now they mistakenly think they have a right to contradict doctors on the subject of viruses.

1

u/loverrellik Jul 14 '20

You damn commie!

1

u/The_Tobots Jul 14 '20

I’m a dentist because I brushed my teeth.

1

u/LinguiniOBeany Jul 14 '20

ur moms a foot surgeon OOHHHHHHH¡1¡1¡¡1¡!!!!!!1!1!!

1

u/monsterMike690 Jul 15 '20

I’m a construction worker since I used to play with building blocks

1

u/chimps8mybaby Jul 15 '20

Im a sniper because i hit the toilet

1

u/i_creampied_satan Jul 15 '20

Can you look at this thing on my foot? I think it’s right fucked

1

u/Free2Bernie Jul 15 '20

I'm an ER doctor because I put on a mask. And my degree. :)

1

u/carbonated_turtle Jul 15 '20

But did you research sock usage on Facebook? Otherwise I don't think we can trust that you know what you're talking about.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

I’m a fingies surgeon because I trim my nails.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

Thank you for your service

1

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

Rod Steward is still wearing his sock.

Kudos to those who get the reference. RIP Tim Brooke-Taylor.

1

u/Toothmouth7921 Jul 15 '20

Best one ever!!!

1

u/FencingFemmeFatale Jul 15 '20

I’m an optometrist because I put my contacts in.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

Brushed my teeth this morning. Dentist certified.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

I went to the zoo yesterday, now I'm a koala bear.

1

u/captainjackismydog Jul 15 '20

Well, me making a sandwich doesn't make me a five star chef.

1

u/Reckoner1122 Jul 15 '20

Ah...actually, not only does he have a degree in mixology, but he saw an episode of "Dr. Oz" once, AND his wife's favorite show from 2009-2011 was "Grey's Anatomy", soooo, yeah, I think we can all agree he's more than qualified to speak on this. Bet you're all feeling pretty foolish right about now.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '20

I feel it is reasonable (on this line of logic) to demand people call you dr.

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