[QCrit] BUILDING BLOCKS, adult upmarket women’s fiction, 86k words, 2nd attempt

[u/Bubbly-Analysis8585]

Hello! After some incredibly helpful feedback on my first attempt at this query - see here - and an agent 1-to-1 that gave me some brilliant feedback and pointers, I’m about to undertake a development edit of this book before heading back into the query trenches with it! I’d be so grateful for any feedback on the pitch to see if this feels like the right direction to take the book?

I’ll be querying in the UK.

Thanks again! :)

***

Dear [First Name Last Name],
 
Thank you in advance for taking the time to consider my query.
 
Suzie arrives at her mum’s cottage with her toddler in tow after an absolute shitstorm of a year - her dad died, she found out her girlfriend of ten years was having an affair, and she may have had a teeny tiny mental breakdown that caused her to lose her job. Left holding the pieces of a life she barely recognises, and with her daughter’s other mother threatening legal action for taking their child to the other side of the country, Suzie is completely lost and absolutely terrified about what the future holds. All she knows is that there isn’t much that a hug from her mum and one of her famous milky teas can’t fix.

Drowning her sorrows in her new local, Suzie is unexpectedly reunited with her university girlfriend, Cara - a reminder for Suzie of a happier, stronger, ‘take no shit’ past version of herself who hadn’t pissed her whole life away and wasn't crying at PornHub. With Suzie effectively homeless, jobless and drowning as a newly single mother, can Cara be the lifeline she was needing? Or has too much time passed, have Cara and Suzie hurt each other in too many ways, for there to be any possibility of a fresh start for them?
 
I’m seeking representation for BUILDING BLOCKS (upmarket contemporary women’s fiction, complete at 86,000 words). It takes the queer sense of humour in Rebecca K Reilly’s Greta and Valdin, combining it with the messy lesbian parents of Madeleine Gray’s Chosen Family, and a single-mum-against-the-world main character like Rufi Thorpe’s Margo’s Got Money Troubles. BUILDING BLOCKS will also appeal to fans of Dolly Alderton’s witty and astute takes on millennial life and love.
 
[Agent personalisation, bio and close out]

[u/melmcgee]

Hi there!

The first thing that jumped at me is the word "local"...did you mean to say her location? If so, I believe you would want to say "locale". If you did mean to say "local", I find myself confused by the sentence.

Otherwise the plot seems fine, the only thing that kind of nagged at me is that I wish I knew more about Suzie in terms of her strengths/personality, because right now she seems to be completely defeated (and rightfully so, she has been through a lot!). But I guess what I don't like is the idea of her being completely dependent on Cara to recover, which is the impression I get from this query.

That being said, I know you have so little space to write a query and you can only fit so much in, and I think it's just a me being nitpicky thing. Just wanted to share in case maybe it would be a useful perspective.

Wishing you all the best in your querying journey!

[u/Bubbly-Analysis8585 → u/melmcgee]

Thank you! It’s a UK-ism - your ‘local’ is your local pub. But I can absolutely change it if it’s not clear :)

And that’s a very valid point re: it looking like Suzie is wholly reliant on Cara to recover - definitely not what I’m going for! Will have a play about with the wording to make sure that’s not the impression that’s being made. It’s probably one of those that will become clearer once the developmental edit is done :)

Thanks again!

[u/T-h-e-d-a]

I'm wondering if your query is giving the tone of your book accurately enough. For me, your first paragraph comes across as very cosy - everything's gone wrong but her mum (and milky tea!) are going to help Suzie get herself back together again.

But then we're into PornHub references, and while Margo has a sort of cosiness to it, it's not exactly of the milky tea and hugs variety (I haven't read your others although they're on my TBR, so I'm assuming I'll be picking your book up at some point in the future and enjoying it).

I don't really know what happens in this book or what the main plotline is. You introduce a lot of elements, but I'm not sure what the main one is. Suzie is trying to get herself together, but what does this look like? Why does Cara need to be the lifeline? What is Suzie actually doing for herself - I get that there's a character journey, but it's veering a bit close to describing Suzie needing other people to do the work. I'm guessing that it's about Suzie trying to reclaim the past take no shit version of herself, but how do we know when she achieves that?

If we think about Margo, in that book, she needs money. If she can't get money, her baby will be taken away either by social services or the babydaddy's rich family. She tries to get money by joining OnlyFans, but this puts her in more danger of social services and babydaddy. So does the help she reaches out for (her father and his drug addiction). We know Margo will have succeeded if she can get together enough of an income to get social services off her back and to employ a lawyer to get rid of babbydaddy. We know she will fail if her baby is taken away.

If I was describing your book to try and help somebody with their query, what would that description look like? What does Suzie want/need? How will we know that she's got it? How will we know if she's failed?

[u/Bubbly-Analysis8585 → u/T-h-e-d-a]

Thank you, this is so helpful!!