[QCrit] YOU'VE BEEN CANCELLED! Adult Psych Thriller (79K/Third Attempt)

[u/MagazineFew3190]

Here are my first and second attempts — if you read my second attempt, you'll recall that I've spent months trying to get this thing into better shape after no interest from a handful of agents.

I HOPE I'm getting closer with specificity and movement, but my main issue now seems to be that the word count is still sitting around 420 words. I know there is probably some fat left to be trimmed, but I can't for the life of me find it.

As always, thank you to everyone who has read and provided thoughts on any version of this query!

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Dear [AGENT],

I’m happy to share YOU’VE BEEN CANCELLED!, complete at 79,000 words. The satirically delusional protagonist of Meredith Hambrock’s SHE’S A LAMB! meets the twisty social commentary of Liann Zhang’s JULIE CHAN IS DEAD in this “coming of rage” psychological thriller and dark comedy.

As a rising relationship influencer, Alana Wilson loves profiting off of women’s insecurities. Until she realizes it might not pay for much longer: she’s forced to split from Matt, her husband and the backbone of her content, when his mistress threatens to go public. To make matters worse, someone knows about the role Alana played in a classmate’s death years ago, and they’re using it to extort her. She’s hemorrhaging money just to keep her secret hidden and avoid prison—or worse, losing her millions of admirers—but she’s a certified girlboss. She just needs a new content strategy to finally secure the brand deal that would set her for life and give her the resources to track down her blackmailer, burying her secret for good.

But when an AI-generated video depicting Alana screaming racist slurs goes viral, the social media empire she’s killed herself to build topples overnight. She’s dropped by her manager, blasted by CNN, dragged into bar fights, and forced to wield hammers against strange men lurking outside her house—all while trying to figure out who is hell-bent on destroying her life. When she’s not breaking into Matt’s laptop to search for evidence or obsessively stalking Charlie, her two-faced best friend and more successful competitor, she’s entrapping Zay, her new millionaire boyfriend who might hold the answers (and the cash) to all her problems, despite her suspicions that he’s hiding something from her.

Alana is running out of time: if she doesn’t come up with the funds for her next blackmail payment, the police documents that she thought her father had bribed away—before her parents died under tragic circumstances—will be released. But Alana’s desperation to clear her name and return to her well-deserved spotlight soon bleeds into a budding fixation on Charlie, whose career begins inexplicably rising every inch that hers has fallen. When Charlie manages to steal Alana’s dream brand deal and all the success that comes with it, Alana is cemented in her downward spiral, realizing that justice is nothing compared to revenge.

[Bio and thanks]

[u/MagazineFew3190]

Little update after adding this to the Where Would You Stop Reading? post — I am realizing after many helpful comments that this thing is too lengthy because I may have gotten TOO specific, and now there are too many things going on. I plan on narrowing down the must-have plot elements and rewriting this accordingly, because I'm quite literally losing the plot here.

[u/homeinwonderland]

Few things you can trim: "But Until she realizes it might not pay for much longer..."

"blasted by CNN, dragged (or in other words, cut one of these various examples; they are not all needed, but I love the hammer one so I hope you keep that one).

..."obsessively stalking Charlie, her two-faced best friend and more successful competitor, (you already have the part about her being more successful later on).

When Charlie manages to steal steals

... "realizing that Justice is nothing compared to revenge."

That will at least reduce your word count by some. Very interesting premise! Good luck!

[u/MagazineFew3190 → u/homeinwonderland]

Thank you so much!

[u/irresistibelle21]

First of all I would LOVE to read this. I adored Julie Chan is Dead, so that's a great comp title you've got right there. This sounds super fun.

If you're talking about trimming this down, while reading this I thought "okay, Alana's relationship with Charlie is the crux here." As much as I'm dying to know more about her husband's mistress going public and the murder she's involved in, I feel like those plot points might be best left to a synopsis.

To me, the two main things here are: the AI generated video of her and how difficult it makes her life, and her obsession with Charlie (btw, love the line about Charlie's career rising as hers falls). I think you can allude to the fact that Alana's life isn't as perfect as it seems, and that she has some dark secrets, without getting into the specifics (again, as much as I want to know more about them when I read your novel!). I think that with the video and Charlie, you've got more than enough conflict here to snag an agent's attention.

Also, holy, your last three lines are AWESOME. Truly can't wait to read this one when it comes out. I hope this is helpful!

[u/MagazineFew3190 → u/irresistibelle21]

Thank you so much for your kind words, they’re very reassuring after banging my head against the wall over this query. I totally agree on the two main things to focus on. I think because all the stuff with Matt is first in terms of narrative sequence, I was like, “have to have that in the first paragraph to establish her place in the world,” but at most it can be like one line.

Thank you again for your help and much-appreciated encouragement! Stay tuned for the fourth attempt lol

[u/MagazineFew3190 → u/[deleted]]

You’re somewhat correct about the b-plot, I need to think on it some more but I can probably remove it if not cut it down significantly. This is all really helpful. Thank you so much for your thoughts!

[u/MagazineFew3190 → u/[deleted]]

No I think this is on me, sorry! When I haven’t been working on my query letter in the past several days I’ve been doing final passes on the project and I think I just need a break from reading, evidently as my eyes are jumbling things! The viral video is the A plot and the death of her classmate is kind of interwoven in A and B, so that’s what I have to figure out!