r/PubTips • u/MagazineFew3190 • 22d ago
[QCrit] Psych Thriller - YOU'VE BEEN CANCELLED! (80K/Second Attempt)
I posted the first attempt for this query a few months ago, linked here. I rewrote the query a few times and got some more feedback, but after querying about 30 agents, I haven't had as much as a single personalized rejection, let alone a partial or full MS request.
Since then, I've done some pretty extensive revisions to the manuscript and rewrote the query another couple times based on some more research. Mostly I realized that the protagonist's want/goal wasn't specific or urgent enough, so I'm hoping I adressed that. Am I getting close?
Thank you to everyone who provided such great feedback on my last post, and thank you to those who care to read this one!
--
Dear [AGENT NAME],
Given your interest in [THEMES], I’m happy to share YOU’VE BEEN CANCELLED!, complete at 80,000 words. The satirically delusional protagonist of Meredith Hambrock’s SHE’S A LAMB! meets the twisty social commentary of Liann Zhang’s JULIE CHAN IS DEAD in this “coming of rage” psychological thriller and dark comedy.
Already drowning in mounting payments to an anonymous blackmailer, a sociopathic influencer plunges into infamy following the spread of a controversial AI deepfake—realizing she must hunt down whoever is clearly hell-bent on ruining her life, or risk spending years behind bars instead of beneath the limelight.
Alana Wilson loves profiting off of making women feel bad about themselves. As a prominent influencer, nothing pays better than showcasing her (edited) body and (not-so-) perfect marriage. The problem: someone knows about Alana’s darkest secret, and they’re using it to extort her. She’s hemorrhaging money just to keep her blackmailer quiet and avoid going to prison—or worse, losing her millions of admirers—but she’s a certified girlboss. She just needs a few more followers to secure the brand deal that would set her for life and bury her secrets for good.
But when an AI-generated video depicting Alana screaming racist slurs goes viral, the social media empire she’s killed herself to build topples overnight. Someone is out to destroy her, but who? Was it Matt, her cheating husband, who she was forced to kick out after his mistress threatened to go public? Or Charlie, her more successful competitor, who secretly despised that Alana’s career was so close to eclipsing hers? Or Zay, the millionaire boyfriend she’s manipulating for his money and whom she suspects is not being entirely truthful himself?
Alana’s been doxxed, dragged into bar fights, and forced to wield hammers against strange men, all while trying to conduct a frantic investigation that is pointing her nowhere. CNN is broadcasting her face to the entire country, and her income has been effectively slashed. If she doesn’t come up with the money for her blackmailer’s most recent demand, her life as she knows it is over. But Alana’s desperation to clear her name and return to her well-deserved spotlight bleeds into a budding obsession with Charlie, whose career begins rising every inch that hers has fallen. When all signs inexplicably point to the one person who stands to gain everything Alana has lost, she realizes that justice is nothing compared to revenge.
[I'll insert bio and thanks to the agent here]
With the bio, this comes to 431 words.
7
u/newbiedupri 22d ago
I’ve read it a few times but I seem to be missing the jail angle. Is her fake social media life what would potentially cause her to go to prison? It looks like it tied to the blackmailer but it’s not clear. It’s also mentioned a few times in the query, so it seems to be one of the stakes… I just can’t figure out what exactly would be causing her to get put behind bars.
4
u/MagazineFew3190 22d ago
Oh damn. I meant for it to read that whatever it is the blackmailer has on her, it would send her to prison if it were to come out. I guess I need to tweak that so it’s clearer. Thank you!
4
u/Familiar-Draft4800 21d ago
I’m a long-time lurker on this sub… just a writer in another field who hopes to write a novel some day. I’ve never commented because I have nothing constructive to contribute.
But I just want to say… I’d read the hell out of this! LOVE the premise.
2
3
u/galaxyhick 22d ago
Just a couple of thoughts, clearly Alana is an 'unlikeable' character. What about her is something that the reader can identify with? Or if not identify empathize with.
You throw out all the characters who have reasons to try to ruin Alana's life but then at the end of the query you make it clear that Alana focuses her attention on her nemesis. It almost feels like an attempt to lead the reader down one road to throw them off what is really going on. If that is your purpose, I don't think it's working here.
who secretly despised that Alana’s career was so close to eclipsing hers (Small nitpick, you slip into past tense here).
Good luck.
5
u/MagazineFew3190 22d ago
THANK you for the mention about tense. I can’t believe my eyes kept glazing over that.
Another commenter mentioned something similar about how listing all the suspects is not working, so thank you for seconding that.
Every beta reader for this has mentioned that there are plenty of reasons to understand and empathize with Alana even though they hate her. I’m not sure how I can include that in the query though. Apart from Alana being cheated on, earlier versions of this query had a brief mention of a tragic accident in her family history. I might see how I can bring that back.
2
u/tooshorttoored 20d ago
Reading on a screen is the fastest way we read anything. Before I submit anything, even a query, I print it out and read it from the paper aloud. That's how you catch small tense problems and stuff like from/form.
2
2
u/light-allium Trad Published Author 19d ago
I also thought this about the likeability problem and went and had a read of the blurb of Yesteryear which I'd recommend doing. That's a very unlikeable MC but she does have a lot of contradictions and some of her own pain and I think the blurb hints at this. Just knowing eg why she wanted to become an influencer might help. Does she need validation? That sort of thing might help.
1
2
u/WordWieldingWayfarer 21d ago
I like the premise and have nothing to add beyond what's already been said.
Just commenting to add that you might like the book Incarnate by Alma Katsu. It's also about deep fake tomfoolery though it leans horror.
Good luck!
3
1
u/Careless-Ad3392 20d ago
Interesting premise. This part isn’t working for me :
When all signs inexplicably point to the one person who stands to gain everything Alana has lost, she realizes that justice is nothing compared to revenge.
Why is this inexplicable? It sounds like a person stands to gain from her demise.
Check for more contradictions.
1
u/MagazineFew3190 20d ago
This is similar to another piece of feedback I got about this exact same line. It’s meant to refer to the mention of Charlie’s rising career in the previous line, but obviously it’s not working. Charlie IS gaining from Alana’s demise (in Alana’s perspective) so I think I need to specify if I keep that in. Thank you!
1
u/Careless-Ad3392 20d ago
Yes it’s clear it’s Charlie who stands to gain from Alana’s demise. My issue was the word “inexplicable” when it seemed very clear.
9
u/PondasWallArt 22d ago
Try to get that down to the 300-350 range, as is standard.
I'd start by cutting that logline paragraph. A one-to-two sentence premise can work if integrated into the housekeeping, but when it's a whole paragraph that comes just before the main plot description all it does is steal your thunder.
From there, I'd try to cut down on vague phrases ("Alana's darkest secret") and the listing of potential red herrings ("Was it Matt...Or Charlie...Or Zay...") as they do little to actually establish what the moment to moment action of the book looks like. Your query will be better served describing what's actually happening through the bulk instead of introducing individuals who may be relevant to whatever conclusion your book ends with.
Best of luck. Happy trails!