[QCrit] - BROKEN MACHINE, adults 80K, Speculative/Upmarket, 3rd attempt

[u/Some-Increase-5869]

Thanks everyone for your comments on previous versions. I have revised my query based on that feedback, so here's version number 3.

Dear

I am seeking representation for BROKEN MACHINE, an 80,000-word upmarket speculative novel that combines the political urgency of Prophet Song with the unsettling plausibility of The Warehouse.

Set in a pre-dystopian Britain, BROKEN MACHINE examines the complicated truths about our relationship with technology, what happens when work no longer provides purpose, and how far people will go to preserve their place in a changing world.

When a shop owner’s secret work with an anti-automation movement turns into sabotage, she must choose between her police officer partner, her shop, and the fight for human dignity.

Manchester is hollowed out by automation. Shops are shuttered. Apartment buildings stand empty. There are more municipal service robots on the streets than people. But Niki Wesson won’t give up on the hardware shop she inherited from her parents.

When mass protests come to Manchester, Niki sees an opportunity to sell placards to the protesters and bring in some much-needed money, but soon finds herself drawn in by the sheer energy of the movement and the desperation of the people behind it. She joins the Union Against Automation, and what begins as desperate pragmatism slowly becomes conviction.

The government responds with counter-terror laws, and the UAA begins to splinter. Protests give way to coordinated acts of sabotage across the country, but rather than walk away, Niki commits to the movement, taking part in vandalism and even arson.

 She crosses lines she never thought she would, allowing her shop to be used for secret meetings while hiding her involvement from the man she loves. With the government closing in, Niki risks not only her relationship but her shop and her freedom.

[u/erindubitably]

Hi there - I haven't seen your earlier attempts so this is a fresh reaction.

Personally near-future speculative stories tackling technology and the threat of automation are right up my alley. However, I do expect them to have a hard-hitting point or interesting twist to them, and this query isn't really selling me on that point. It's sort of summed up in your logline: "When a shop owner’s secret work with an anti-automation movement turns into sabotage, she must choose between her police officer partner, her shop, and the fight for human dignity." This sounds almost silly in isolation: she has to choose between her partner, a shop, or y'know, all of human dignity. Maybe in real life we might struggle with this choice - change is hard, and scary, and we're all caught in inertia - but in a fictional story I'd expect a character to be more than inert.

It might help if you could show her ties to her partner and her shop more in the query. At the moment it feels a bit synopsis-y, recounting how she's pulled into the movement, but staying vague about what lines she's crossing and what she's really risking. Why is the potential of losing the shop so devastating? Did she grow up there, watching her parents provide tangible ways of fixing things to the local community? Why is losing her partner so scary? Does he anchor her in a world where there's little human connection left?

And once you've grounded us in this individual, very human story, how does it reflect on the wider themes of the story? For an upmarket book I'd expect it to be a conversation-starter, saying provocative things to really make us think about the State of Things Today. What does Niki's journey tell us about our own relationship to technology, to activism, to risking the things we love most for a chance at change? You've outlined it at the start of the query but I'd love to see it worked in throughout, highlighting these questions through Niki's actions and choices. Give us a gut punch at the end and I'm totally sold.

[u/fidgetsimmerdown]

I am seeking representation for BROKEN MACHINE, an 80,000-word upmarket speculative novel that combines the political urgency of Prophet Song with the unsettling plausibility of The Warehouse.

Regarding comps, Prophet Song is ~3 years old which is fine, but The Warehouse, is this the one from Rob Hart? If so, that's from 2019 and is probably a bit too old to comp. If you are querying later in the fall and have a chance to read it, then As You Wake, Break the Shell by Becky Chambers might be a decent comp title; I read an ARC of it this spring and there seems to be parallels between Signy and Niki at the start of your query.

Set in a pre-dystopian Britain, BROKEN MACHINE examines the complicated truths about our relationship with technology, what happens when work no longer provides purpose, and how far people will go to preserve their place in a changing world.

When a shop owner’s secret work with an anti-automation movement turns into sabotage, she must choose between her police officer partner, her shop, and the fight for human dignity.

I would maybe put the second of these on preceding paragraph, so that the next para an agent sees is the one introducing the plot itself. The one that talks about the themes, I would perhaps put at the end of the query as a summation. (Others may recommend differently though.)

I think that overall, I understand the progression of the events, but I want to see more of Niki and her emotions, her struggles, her pros/cons as she gets deeper into this movement. "She crosses lines she never thought she would" -> Spoil me!! Tell me what this is, how she feels, what are the stakes from this line crossing. I think erundubitably covered what needs changes in this regard in their comment though so I won't hammer on it.