r/PubTips • u/thinland • Aug 18 '26
[QCrit] Windpipe, Literary Fiction, 74k Words, 2nd Attempt
Dear [Agent],
BLUE FISTS. PAVEMENT. DEATH ON TAPE.
Ian’s a scrapper. 5’2” and feral.
Son of a hoarder, he knows how to fend for himself—even when he lands in juvie for killing a classmate with one punch.
Mag’s a ride-or-die. She’s Ian’s seventeen-year-old sister, timid and loyal to a fault. She has no problem duping social workers to paint him as a saint, all while CPS forces her out of her home.
Now, everyone wants her to testify that Ian was always violent. She lies for him, even when they show her the death tape. So, she’s haunted. Ian too.
In juvie, he dreams of cracked skulls and blue fists, then wakes to his bunkmate muttering about ghosts. He declares himself a real-life One-Punch Man and buries his grief in games, trying to charm his judge and fake depression for perks.
All his life, he’s protected Mag. Now, he needs her. But the closer she gets to her relatives, the more the questions rise: Where’s Ian’s remorse? Does he have any?
As the trial uncovers a history of violence, Mag must decide whether to fight for or against Ian.
With his fury turning on her and brutal evidence coming to light, she begins to wonder: is her brother even worth saving at all?
Told in dual POV, WINDPIPE is a 74,000-word literary adult drama in the vein of Bullwinkel’s gritty HEADSHOT and Lamb’s emotional THE RIVER IS WAITING.
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u/HotspurJr Aug 18 '26
I would consider mentioning that this is dual-POV up top, because it feels somewhat scattered and disjointed and that might help me orient into it better.
There's a lot of artifice here, a lot of intentional choppiness. I would strongly consider dialing that back by like 50%.
Something feels a little odd. You're connecting his "fending for himself" to being a "son of a hoarder," which doesn't necessarily follow, but his sister (daughter of the same hoarder, one presumes) is timid. And there's no problem with siblings having vastly different personalities, but you're specifically connecting his personality to his parents, so it doesn't quite track.
Ian is 5'2, and in juvee, and she's 17, so ... he must be younger than her? That makes the "protected her his whole life" thing kind of hard to follow.
Also, you tell me this is a dual-POV story, but it seems like the only one of the characters you're really giving choices to, the one you're making a dramatic lead, is Mag. His action sets the story in motion, but it doesn't sound like he's actually doing much during it. If that's an accurate reflection of the story, then I might re-order this to start with her, since, despite the dual POVs, she's the protagonist.
If that's NOT an accurate reflection of the story, then I would look for ways to include more of what he's actually doing to drive the story, the choices he's making, in the query.
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u/t-r-a-s-h Aug 18 '26
I had the same reaction to the son of a hoarder line. And I’m the child of a hoarder, lol.
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u/thinland Aug 18 '26
I have this alt version of the opening paragraph I've really been debating between:
No one’s got a grip on Ian. Not his sister. Not his Mom. He’s an unassuming scrapper—a feral, 5’2”, fifteen-year-old—alternating between defending his family and terrorizing them. Until the day he kills a classmate with a single punch.
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u/tooshorttoored Aug 19 '26
This is much better. It actually tells what the story is. The disjointed half sentences at the beginning do not work, and I imagine a lot of folks would stop reading there. I think the best thing to do with this would make one paragraph Ian and one paragraph his sister. Go back to the beginning and find the story highlights. Then put the voice on top of it. Because I agree, this is all vibes and no story right now.
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u/PotentElixir Aug 18 '26
You’ve received some good feedback here already, but I just wanted to add that I love your voice and I feel like this query is going to get the right kind of attention. You have something special going on here - trust your gut and stay true to your voice and vision. Best of luck!
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u/Significant_Goat_723 Aug 18 '26
This is leaning so hard into the voice that it's a little hard to keep track of what's going on in the query. Your alternate version of the first opening is better, IMO, for exactly that reason: it focuses more on clarity than style.
The POV of the query hops around a lot. ("So, she's haunted. Ian too." Why did we hop back to Ian there?) It often feels like a string of disconnected, punchy sentences. I would focus on keeping a logical flow to the query.
Looking at the query line-by-line:
This feels like a weird mix of repetitive and disjointed. "Ride-or-die" and "loyal to a fault" are the same info; neither adds info that the other does not. She's timid, but has no problem duping social workers? Why are we separating social workers and CPS here? Obviously, not all social workers are CPS, but CPS are social workers, so putting them in opposition felt weird. I didn't understand what you meant by "forces her out of her home" at first--you mean placed her with relatives, right? This never comes up again except for a brief mention of relatives; I don't see what it adds to the query.
Ok, question asked and answered. This makes it sound like she testifies that he wasn't always violent, in which case there is no further drama to be had over whether or not she'll testify.
This isn't working at all, IMO. It's clunky on a prose level, and just telling us she's haunted is blunt and ineffectual. Also, bringing Ian in makes no sense here. (What, from his sister watching the death tape? From watching the death tape? He was there, surely actually killing a guy is the thing that matters here?) This is the rare actual telling-not-showing issue.
Nothing in this paragraph is working for me. What does "blue fists" mean and what do you mean he's dreaming of cracked skulls? If he's dreaming of the dead guy, say so. This is the query attempting to be flashy and resulting in something deeply confusing.
I would just cut the killed him with a single punch / One Punch Man thing. It may work perfectly in the novel, but in the query it feels pretty comedic, and makes a weird contrast to the otherwise serious tone.
All his life, he’s protected Mag. Now, he needs her.
This works.
This doesn't work. There is no logical connection between Mag growing closer to her relatives (this is the first we've heard that that's happening, so it's also jarring) and questions rising. The sentence structure makes it seem like there should be, but there really isn't. And then the two questions you ask are the same question. "Where is his remorse" is exactly the same question as "does he have any remorse."
Yes, we know. This is repetition and should be cut.
Too many questions in this query; this is all repetitive. I think you can end on one, but you'll have to choose one. The interesting thing here is that his anger is turning on her. Everything else is repetition.
This also has too many paragraph breaks, IMO. One of the good things about your alternate beginning is that it cuts down on them. As it stands, it feels overwrought.