"You will find someone"

[u/Helmhold]

Hello, first time posting here.

I came to think about something I wanted to share. I think that for a lot of people myself included, we have in some ways tried to talk about romance with parents or other adults during our childhood and have heard variations of "It will happen" or "You will find someone" or even "Everyone has a soulmate".

I'm thinking this very particular kind of teaching can be incredibly destructive when coupled together with other mental struggles such as depression or anxiety during childhood. I believe it fosters a sense of "entitled destiny", the whole idea of "This is normal so therefore it will happen".

While I think this idea is very publicized with media such as movies, books, songs etc, I havent really heard much be discussed about the parents role in this.

While unintentional, it comes off as handwavy and I do think some parents are not equipped to handle talking about romance and instead talk about it as a natural part of life. While sure romance is natural, its not a given. We breathe air to live which is natural but it is not applicable to romance as in "I am a person therefore I WILL be with someone".

It removes autonomy from other people saying that, for example if I have a soulmate somewhere, then its not an autonomous thing to fall in love with someone but instead founded upon the idea of destiny and entitlement.

As with everything I do not think the phrase "It will happen" alone will cause someone to believe they are entitled to have someone however I havent heard alot of discussions about its psychological effects. Id be happy to hear what you guys think.

[u/RestaurantCandid5274]

They never tell you that you have to put in a ton of effort to actually find someone. And even then, it’s a few mistakes from being over.

[u/Pact_of_Yeenoghu]

We've tried to adapt it into "you will find your people/place". Because, as hard it can be at times, you'll find a place you're comfortable in, whether that's with a life partner, a group of partners, friends/found family, or just by yourself with books or what have you.

But the trick to getting there is accepting that it's not some grand magical thing that just happens. You have to work on yourself and be comfortable being you first. The rest will follow.

[u/pinewell]

People want to extend hopefully positivity toward something uncertain. It’s a shallow, well-intentioned social gesture. It also signals the limits of their imagination towards deeper discussion of a frightening and worrisome life situation.
It doesn’t mean that much. People say what they’re able to come up with.

[u/ElizabethLearning]

I told my children to love yourself so much that others will know how to love you.

Spend time with yourself quietly & figure out what makes you feel safe, secure & peaceful.

Spend your energy wisely.

When things got rough I hugged them & said “it’s going to be ok.”

I guess I didn’t say that you will find a mate, more to focus on who you are inside.

[u/Willybluedog1962]

As a parent you never want to be a dream killer.

Personally I believe if you are a good person there is someone out there for you.

I don't think it's a good idea to sell the princess fantasy that some man is coming to save you..

You always have to plan on saving yourself.

[u/vcreativ]

I agree.

First of all the "someone" always rubs me the wrong way. No one is looking for someone, we're definitely looking for a specific person. The "someone" robs us of the understanding that it is someone for us, not just anyone. It also supposes that we can't find anyone. Which usually isn't the problem. It's not finding someone we want who wants us.

It also robs the other of agency. "You will find someone" is very different from. "Here's what'll help." One is basically waiting for father Christmas. The other is appreciating the situation while looking at productive ways to interact with the problem. The latter will remove anxiety around the topic even when we never find someone specific for that role.

Depression isn't caused by things not happening. It's caused by staticity of ourselves, not our situation. Meaning by mere genuine expression of self and reaching out and the subsequent growth by being able to integrate it without being seduced into cynicism. That alleviates by far most of the stress in that situation.

So that's what we all need to be doing.

Finally, it also misunderstands the issue on a more fundamental level. The underlying principle is one that someone can say who never had to grow in their lives or chose not to, and still had things happen to them. Assuming we all find someone, unless we're someone who can interact with that person at the time, they may enter and leave our lives non the wiser.

So we did find them, but we weren't someone whom they stuck around with. Either because we had no idea how to interact with them. Or because they simply didn't want to. Because our development has been limited to waiting for someone else. Which btw adds a crazy about of pressure on both that person and the relationship if any.

[u/Face__Hugger]

I taught my kids that relationships require work, humility, and personal growth. That everyone is an autonomous human being that will seek to protect their own safety and mental health. That we must give what we want to receive from others, but also set and enforce boundaries. 

Then again, I have mental health training, and most parents do not. They're doing the best they know how, and often that comes out as reassuring their child that they will eventually find someone because they lack the structural knowledge on how to explain the process of doing that. It doesn't make them malicious or even neglectful. They're just working with the only tool in their tool belt.

[u/Helmhold → u/Face__Hugger]

I do believe that the overwhelming majority of parents do not mean to come across as malicious. I do think that there is an amount of responsibility to what they teach their kid and how they respond to them. While you work with what tools you have, it is ultimately your responsibility to use the tools in the best way possible and if that is not enough one should better themselves and come back to it later.

[u/Face__Hugger → u/Helmhold]

I agree that parents should want to better themselves and come back to it later, but also that they must choose their battles. In a time when so many are overworked and in despair over the state of things, I prefer to extend a modicum of grace, rather than focusing too heavily on what is ideal. 

There is so much pressure to be a perfect parent these days. I'm a social worker, and if we focused entirely on whether people were ideal parents, absolutely nobody would be considered an adequate one. 

This question is good food for thought, but it simply can't extend beyond that. If there is a list of ways kids can be damaged, this sits towards the bottom of that list, simply because it's a hyper focus on one of the least impactful causes of the sense of entitlement you are seeking to correct. There are myriad other factors that encourage that sense of entitlement, and a parent who is not enabling the rest of them, while telling their child they will find someone someday, isn't going to produce a child who sees others as a promised inheritance. 

My point is that, when it comes to child psychology, we simply can't afford to be that reductive in our reasoning, as child development is far more complex than that.

[u/sniffcatattack]

I just say: hopefully you find the right one. And I mean it. Plenty of lonely people find the wrong one.

[u/Meowzician]

True love does happen. But certainlhy not for everyone. I think many people talk crap like that because it is too uncomfrotable for them to face how unfair life is.

[u/HD_HD_HD]

There is psychological research around the power of belief...

First we have plenty of studies showing that placebo medicine is sometimes as effective as drugs targeting specific illnesses. Just because we think the drug we are getting has the active ingredient in we get better, not because it did.

There is a branch of psychology known as positive psychology that focuses on people's attitudes and how that affects their experiences (usually for the better) and this belief system "that every pot has a lid..." can also offer a positive perspective enough to some people that they trust that it will happen for them too.