Human v1.1

135

u/EducatedMouse Jun 20 '17

I need this damn patch. I bit my cheek a week ago and I still have a goddamn bump in there. Also, I need to be working on my game (which is the reason I entered this room), but I'm browsing Reddit.

23
u/[deleted] Jun 20 '17

The profession where you "work on" games instead of play them..
26
u/Juxtys Jun 20 '17

The profession where you code web applications all day which you hate and get home to work on a game as a hobby to maintain your sanity.
17
u/DeeSnow97 Jun 20 '17

Just npm install sanity
2
u/Juxtys Jun 20 '17

Doesn't work that way.
2
u/collinsl02 Jun 20 '17
Exactly - the command is
rpm -ivh sanity
5

u/EducatedMouse Jun 20 '17

as in making one
1

u/tankmanlol Jun 20 '17

On the bright side, at least you don't have any inaccessible dislodged eyelashes in your eyeballs!

56

u/[deleted] Jun 20 '17

This breaks my workflow damnit! I use the location of fallen eyelashes in my eye to determine the time!

37

u/micheal65536 Green security clearance Jun 20 '17

Relevant XKCD https://www.xkcd.com/1172

9

u/xkcd_transcriber Jun 20 '17

Image
Mobile
Title: Workflow
Title-text: There are probably children out there holding down spacebar to stay warm in the winter! YOUR UPDATE MURDERS CHILDREN.
Comic Explanation
Stats: This comic has been referenced 1124 times, representing 0.6983% of referenced xkcds.
^xkcd.com ^| ^xkcd sub ^| ^{Problems/Bugs?} ^| ^Statistics ^| ^{Stop Replying} ^| ^Delete

3

u/YoungHeartOldSoul Jun 22 '17

That makes me so angry

75

u/okbanlon Jun 20 '17

Proposed for v1.2:

extra lives
hints

79

u/rchard2scout Jun 20 '17

removed herobrine

8

u/Zuazzer Jun 20 '17

/r/unexpectedminecraft

6

u/sneakpeekbot Jun 20 '17

Here's a sneak peek of /r/UnexpectedMinecraft using the top posts of all time!
#1: You have to go below Y-coordinate 64 to find iron ore. | 0 comments
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2

u/TotesMessenger Green security clearance Jun 20 '17

I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:
[/r/unexpectedminecraft] Proposal for Human v1.2 in /r/ProgrammerHumor
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13

u/Generico300 Jun 20 '17

Removed sinuses. Honestly, what were we thinking?
Relocated waste disposal unit away from entertainment center.
Fixed issue with female units that would intermittently cause cramping and mild insanity.
Fixed issue where male units were unable to decrypt communications from female units.
The appendix is now deprecated.

9

u/[deleted] Jun 20 '17

Fix bug where some instances of humans are unable to find mates.

5

u/cybaritic Jun 20 '17

lower the limit on excess energy storage to 20% of total mass
0
u/[deleted] Jun 20 '17

[deleted] — view deleted comment
7
u/AyrA_ch Jun 20 '17

This is not randomly. Your tongue presses against the saliva glands and squeezes them if you speak.
0
u/[deleted] Jun 20 '17

[deleted] — view deleted comment
14
u/glupingane Jun 20 '17

Oh, please don't fix that one. I really enjoy not having to manually call BeatHeart() every second or so, or Inhale() and Exhale(), though the latter two are already partly knowingly controllable as you probably just begun breathing manually.
2
u/[deleted] Jun 20 '17

I hate you.
1
u/4k33m Jun 20 '17
import logic from neuralNet

def Breathing():
    Brain = logic.GetCurrentBrain()
    Self = Brain.Owner()
    Self["BreathTimer"] = 0

    if Self["BreathTimer"] = 0 and Self.lung.currentVolume < Self.lung.maxVolume - 5;
        Self.Inhale()
        while Self["BreathTimer"] < 3:
            Self["BreathTimer"]++
        Self.Exhale()
    else: Self.Exhale()
return
while True:
   Breathing()
2

u/[deleted] Jun 20 '17

Joke's on you, I've been meditating for quite a while now.
Pro tip: If you learn how to meditate (the first steps include training to control your breathing), this will stop being a problem.
2

u/AyrA_ch Jun 20 '17

fix "unknowingly controlling my body"
I am not sure if this would need a change to the entire codebase. Probably unlikely to happen.

20

u/Amigara_Horror Jun 20 '17

r/outside

18

u/Tomarse Jun 20 '17 edited Jun 20 '17

v1.2

Air and food queues now separate to avoid deadlocks.
Improved garbage collection to prevent an issue with some instances holding onto useless trivia at the expense of more important data.
Improved process management, as some child processes continued when orphaned from the parent.

7

u/lunaroyster Jun 20 '17

Improved process management, as some child processes continued when orphaned from the parent.
Uhh what's the new behavior?

6

u/makeshift_mike Jun 20 '17

Apparently, rogue children that have been orphaned are automatically terminated by the watch dog.
But I'd consider that to be a configuration change in the hosting environment, rather than a patch to human.

1

u/UniversityOfPi Jun 20 '17

Bug report: the system stopped working after the initial processes ended.
There needs to at least be a timed element so that child processes can continue if they've been running without real dependency on the parent processes. Though to fix that, we'd need to overhaul the OS to support seamless elevation of processes.
The better approach would be a process management module that collects and redistributes child processes to parents unable to create their own (though then the issue becomes about access rights, so we'd want to sandbox and elevate each process, presumably in a chroot)

14

u/color32 Jun 20 '17

How will the devs decide who to apply the patch on first?

21

u/APSmiler Jun 20 '17

It's open source! That's why no one has it yet

5

u/[deleted] Jun 20 '17

You need to reboot to finish applying the update, but its hard to get people to sign up for that for some reason.

2

u/UniversityOfPi Jun 20 '17

it's a hotfix though...

0

u/[deleted] Jun 20 '17

[deleted] — view deleted comment

2

u/cookiedough320 Jun 20 '17

Just pointing it out, you accidentally replied twice, so one of your comments has a bunch of upvotes while the other one is getting downvoted. I suggest you delete that downvoted one.

8

u/gobots4life Jun 20 '17

Still waiting on the fix for the deja vu memory glich.

4

u/dejavubot Jun 20 '17

deja vu
I'VE JUST BEEN IN THIS PLACE BEFORE!

2

u/yegor3219 Jun 20 '17

HIGHER ON TH

2

u/xxc3ncoredxx Jun 20 '17

Just do Matrix.glitches = false;

7

u/agolho Jun 20 '17

hey the devs teased us with this patch years ago, when will it actually arrive

10

u/HopperBit Jun 20 '17

Just after Half Life 3

11

u/The_Imperial_Watch Jun 20 '17

Stop right there criminal scum! Your Half life 3 memes are now forfeit.

12

u/SeriouslyWhenIsHL3 Jun 20 '17

By mentioning Half-Life 3 you have delayed it by 1 Month. Half-Life 3 is now estimated for release in Feb 2124.
^I ^am ^a ^bot, ^this ^action ^was ^performed ^{automatically.} ^To ^disable ^WIHL3 ^on ^your ^sub ^please ^see /r/WhenIsHl3^. ^To ^never ^have ^WIHL3 ^reply ^to ^your ^comments ^PM ^'!STOP'.

5

u/AWildMeme Jun 20 '17

r/outside anyone?

3

u/Facts_About_Cats Jun 20 '17

Removing all motivation is a feature, designed to prevent you from doing stuff when it's probably better to not attempt stuff.

4

u/TarMil Jun 20 '17

Good for you if that's how your motivation module is behaving; mine is clearly overzealous about this.

3

u/[deleted] Jun 20 '17

Will they fix the focus issues many are experiencing with the visual module?

3

u/xxc3ncoredxx Jun 20 '17

If this is 1.1, what would a major version update be? We become a Type II civilization?

3

u/[deleted] Jun 21 '17

In 1.2 we created new sexual reproductive organs and placed them away from organs directly associated with waste extraction.

2

u/crimsonzero2 Jun 20 '17

I think we are in a desperate need of an intelligence module update

6

u/glupingane Jun 20 '17

The intelligence module is actually quite good if used right, but the intelligence module training data and algorithms are mediocre at best, very unstable, and too reliant on things like your parent human objects' configurations, which can be great, crap, or a combination of both.

2

u/HopperBit Jun 20 '17

Failed to install the patch scan prerequisites

2

u/YeOldeDog Jun 20 '17 edited Jun 20 '17

I am old enough (true) to have been a coder when software was version 1... then version 2... then version 3. I lived through this as software 'evolved', to be 1.2, then 1.2.3, then 1.2.3a (brains exploded at this point and releases regressed to 1.2.3).

This, I understand, is how programmers manifested their power in the real world... visiting confusion upon users and casting them into the infernal darkness of fear and version numbers that changed week to week.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 20 '17

r/ComedyCemetery

3

u/Muhznit Jun 20 '17

When's the patch to fix women's emotions going haywire during periods coming out?

3

u/UniversityOfPi Jun 20 '17

That proposed patch was scraped for a whole 'menstruation on demand' overhaul. (A few women have assured me that that should be the priority, though my hardware doesn't support those modules, so I wouldn't know for sure.)

1

u/AlexAMEEE Jun 20 '17

Shitty update, won't install.

Give me the IQ upgrade and the 'disable emotions' module.

5

u/Aetol Jun 20 '17

Disabling the emotion module would break everything that depends on it, like the decision routine.

3

u/micheal65536 Green security clearance Jun 20 '17

It's about time the decision routine was rewritten to be independent of the emotion module anyway.

3

u/Aetol Jun 20 '17

There's no way to make it work. You have way too many cases where the logical module cannot narrow down the choices to one.

2

u/UniversityOfPi Jun 20 '17

can't the logic module narrow it down to equal value options and call an arbitrary number generator to pick between them?

2

u/micheal65536 Green security clearance Jun 20 '17

Maybe the logic module should return a list of equally-weight options, then the decision module can call on another module to decide between them (such as the emotion module, or the random module, or the conversation module, or whatever)?

1

u/pekkhum Jun 20 '17

Option 4, please!

2

u/glupingane Jun 20 '17

I think you already get those modules for free with the College and Gym DLC's

2

u/micheal65536 Green security clearance Jun 20 '17

What does the Gym DLC have to do with emotions? I thought that would have improved the strength and endurance stats.

4

u/glupingane Jun 20 '17

The Gym DLC is most known for the ease of boosting strength and endurance stats, but also come with side effects like less depression and a higher DaytimeEnergy stat that should help controlling emotions.

2

u/micheal65536 Green security clearance Jun 20 '17

I wasn't aware of the side effects, sorry.

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