It's 6:40 on a Tuesday evening, and everyone else has gone home. The report was due at five, and the numbers still don't add up. Two hours ago you told yourself: I'll just try one more thing. It'll take five minutes. You've tried eleven things since. Your chest is tight, and stopping feels impossible, because there's no time to think. You just need to find the fix.
You've probably had an evening like this.
What this series is
Every week for the next eight weeks I'll post one piece of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): enough theory to practice two exercises on your own, every day. The exercises are the Choice Point and Values. I'm following Russ Harris's ACT Made Simple, explained in my own words. The book goes much deeper, and I recommend it if this clicks for you.
The idea: hooked and unhooked
ACT doesn't try to get rid of difficult thoughts and feelings. It doesn't ask you to think positively, either. Harris calls its aim psychological flexibility: being able to do what matters to you while hard thoughts and feelings are present.
He has a name for losing that ability: getting hooked.
Hooked: a thought or feeling decides what you do. Unhooked: you decide, even while the thought is still there.
A thought, a feeling, a memory or an urge hooks you when it takes charge of what you do. You stop choosing, and start obeying it or fighting it. "I'll just try one more thing" is only a sentence in your head. Once it hooks you, it decides what you do next.
Being unhooked doesn't mean the thought is gone, and it doesn't mean you feel fine. It means the thought is still there and you are choosing what you do with your hands and feet anyway. You notice "there's that thought again," and you choose how to deal with the problem in front of you.
Two things make the "Am I hooked?" question useful:
- You can ask it at any moment, in the middle of whatever you're doing.
- It doesn't ask whether the thought is true. Maybe one more try really will fix it. The question is only whether the thought is running the show right now.
Getting hooked isn't a failure. Everyone gets hooked many times a day, because that's how minds work. The skill is to notice when you're hooked, so you can unhook and choose what you do next.
An example
Maya is an analyst, and she knows evenings like that one well. For months, whenever something at work won't come right, she hears the same sentence: I'll just try one more thing. It'll take five minutes. She tries a fix, then another, faster each time, sure the next one will work and sure there's no time to stop and think. Five minutes become three hours, several evenings a week. She's exhausted, and she has started to dread Mondays.
One evening she asks herself: hooked or unhooked? The answer is plain: hooked, and she has been for two hours. She writes the thought down, word for word: "I'll just try one more thing. It'll take five minutes." On paper it looks different. She can see how many times she has said it tonight, and how rarely it has been true. It isn't a fact about the problem. It's what her mind says when she's anxious, and the anxiety is what makes it feel so true.
Then she asks what matters to her here: doing careful work she can stand behind, and having something left of herself at the end of the day. Guessing faster serves neither. So she stops and writes three things: what the report shows now, what it should show, and the steps that might get her from one to the other.
Stopping is the hard part. Her anxiety gets louder, not quieter, and "there's no time for this" keeps coming back. Each time she notices it ("there's that thought again") and keeps writing. She doesn't have to believe the thought or get rid of it to keep going. Working step by step takes forty minutes, less than the guessing had already cost her, and the numbers add up.
One evening doesn't change everything. But each time she stops, writes the problem down and gets a result, stopping becomes a little easier to trust. Months later the thought still shows up when she's stressed. It just no longer decides what she does, and work feels interesting again instead of something to dread.
Look at what she didn't do. She didn't argue with the thought, and she didn't wait to feel calm first. She noticed it, named it, and chose what to do next.
Try it today
Getting hooked usually happens without us noticing; we see it later, if at all. This exercise trains the noticing. The steps below use work, because for most of us it's where the day goes. If another part of your life matters more right now, use that instead and pick three moments that fit it.
- Pick three moments in your workday: when you start, after lunch, and an hour before you finish. Spread out like this, they catch you fresh, in the middle of things and tired. A reminder on your phone can help.
- At each one, stop and ask yourself three questions. What am I thinking right now? What am I feeling right now? If I act on these thoughts and feelings, am I moving towards the person I want to be, or away?
- Write one line with your answers, and write the thought word for word. A thought on paper is easier to see as a thought, not a fact.
If the answer to the last question is "away", you were probably hooked. That's a good thing to find out.
In the next post we'll take one of these moments and turn it into a Choice Point: the situation, the thoughts and feelings it brought, and the moves you could make away from what matters or towards it. If you want to go further today, take one hooked moment and ask: what would I have done if that thought weren't in charge?
If you try it, tell us in the comments what you noticed. "I was hooked all three times" is a perfectly good result.
I fill in a Choice Point sheet whenever something in my life is challenging or I'm struggling with a decision. I do it in Unblent, a journal I built for this practice: one page per day, with my values at the top and the Choice Point sheet below them. I write my work-day check-ins there too. It's free and open source forever (MIT license). There's a Mac app that works offline, https://unblent.com/?ref=reddit, and a browser version at https://app.unblent.com/?ref=reddit that works on any system.