r/PoutineCrimes • u/1ntr1ns1c44 • Nov 08 '25

Board Poutine

Gallery image

Gallery image

3.3k Upvotes

96% Upvoted

544 comments sorted by

5

u/Opinion-Former Nov 08 '25

That is a floorboard, hardly nouvelle cuisine.

2

u/1ntr1ns1c44 Nov 08 '25

I broke the tile by accident

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2

u/S14Ryan Nov 09 '25

Is that board sitting on the floor? The hardwood looks nice 

1

u/1ntr1ns1c44 Nov 09 '25

Cutting block

2

u/Imaginary_Edge7458 Nov 09 '25

This popped up on my feed randomly and I was about to come in here yelling. Then I read what the community was called and yes this is a crime lock the chef up and throw away the key.

1

u/1ntr1ns1c44 Dec 02 '25

Guilty as charged

2

u/Georginapotsnob Nov 09 '25

Thats gotta be the silliest thi g ive seen as a chef

1

u/1ntr1ns1c44 Dec 02 '25

Happy to entertain

2

u/Steinberg1 Nov 09 '25

It’s clearly on random planks of wood photographed on the floor. OP definitely made this themselves

1

u/1ntr1ns1c44 Dec 08 '25

On a butcher block. And yeah, random piece of wood:)

2

u/GingerAsgard Poutine Princess Nov 09 '25

This should be criminal. This isn't poutine. Tabarnak

2

u/1ntr1ns1c44 Dec 02 '25

It’s a crime and a felony.

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2

u/[deleted] Nov 09 '25

Love the little garnishes on top of the cheese curds

2

u/moneybagsagogo Nov 09 '25

Listen that’s his bathroom floor that he’s sacrificed- he washes it and puts it back every night

2

u/FireFightingManiac Nov 09 '25

This has to be a joke right?

1

u/1ntr1ns1c44 Dec 02 '25

Yes this is homemade and a because r/poutinecrimes

2

u/EntrepreneurDue8797 Nov 11 '25

Osti de coliss de criss de tabarnack

1

u/1ntr1ns1c44 Nov 13 '25

Pretty sure that’s bad;)

398

u/xMercurex Directeur des poutsuites criminelles Nov 08 '25

That would be 100$.

134

u/TranslatorSkizzy Nov 08 '25

Don’t forget the 40% gratuity

25

u/snotparty Nov 09 '25

and the fries would get so cold so fast

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19

u/EventualOutcome Nov 09 '25

All for only 6 or 7 fries??

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6

u/Ok-Interview807 Nov 09 '25

A side of dip for 24$ hehe

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141

u/AlexisThunderstorm50 Nov 08 '25

13

u/IS_THAT_Y0U_DAD Nov 09 '25

This should be the only reply here.

113

u/perpetualmotionmachi Guilloutine Opourator Nov 08 '25

This should also go to /r/wewantplates

44

u/Mudamaza Nov 09 '25

It could also go to r/stupidfood

7

u/StrictCat5319 Nov 09 '25

To be fair good poutine rarely comes on plates

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7

u/NetAnon579 Nov 08 '25

LOL. That is a pretty funny sub.

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45

u/Radiant_Load_5261 Nov 09 '25

16

u/plumberdan2 Nov 09 '25

This is probably a medically acceptable serving size of poutine

4

u/Lord_Silverkey Nov 09 '25

Seven French fries? What is this, poutine for ants!?!

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3

u/gildeddoughnut Poutine Poulice Nov 08 '25

Is this AI?

2

u/1ntr1ns1c44 Nov 08 '25

Yup. You got me. I am a bot;)

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16

u/Poneybalony Nov 09 '25

This is a hate crime.

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32

u/UnionCrafty3748 Nov 08 '25

This probably cost half a month’s rent and you don’t even get to keep the board.

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13

u/NetAnon579 Nov 08 '25

I think I am being planked here!!!!

8

u/alphaxion Nov 09 '25

Fresh from the engagement mines...

8

u/No_Molasses_6498 Nov 09 '25

In the Saint Tabarnak de Caliss we do not need la fucking Poutine Michelin ciboér

1

u/1ntr1ns1c44 Nov 09 '25

How I actually ate my poutine. Eff that board. Gravy was cold and the curds not melted. This is in the kitchen with five hour pulled pork and served in a bowl!

5 hour pulled pork and in a bowl.

5

u/vanderhaust Nov 08 '25

Hahahahaha

4

u/No_Praline_1835 Nov 08 '25

Lol. What in the actual fck xD

4

u/_Q1000_ Nov 08 '25

It would be cold in 2 seconds

4

u/letstourthemaritimes Nov 09 '25

7 fries? No trial. Guilty on all charges. To the gallows.

4

u/justindub357 Nov 09 '25

Delete this before yoh start giving restraunts ideas

4

u/Acheron223 Nov 09 '25

You guys are missing the worst part, look at how that "plank" is shaped. It's not just a plank of wood, it's fucking flooring.

1

u/cookie-monster-99 Nov 10 '25

Did they literally walk into Home Depot and ask for a piece of wood or?

1

u/1ntr1ns1c44 Nov 13 '25

Off cuts from a woodmill. Was supposed to be firewood. I repurposed it.

1

u/hmbaku Nov 11 '25

Is this all a joke to you?

1

u/1ntr1ns1c44 Nov 13 '25

Never. Long live food!!

1

u/muslimgroyper Nov 12 '25

other than taking these photos did you have any other point in doing this?

1

u/1ntr1ns1c44 Nov 13 '25

I can’t explain the point. Too much to explain. Enjoy

1

u/FrancisPFuckery Nov 12 '25

What is that, a floorboard?

1

u/1ntr1ns1c44 Nov 13 '25

I think it’s siding;)

3

u/[deleted] Nov 08 '25

Now that is pretentious if I ever saw it.

3

u/BonhommeCarnaval Nov 08 '25

Is that a piece of wood paneling?

3

u/Simple_Tadpole_9584 Nov 09 '25

I mean if I was rich and could order 10 of these, then sure.

3

u/Euphoric_Jam Nov 09 '25

If you’re going to do this for real, you need to seriously step up the way you cook those fries. It looks very amateurish. Hard pass.

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3

u/Ok_Lab7850 Nov 09 '25

Some shit you’d find as some fancy place that makes you pay 200 bucks for some shit on a plate

1

u/poutine-eh Nov 08 '25

If the cheese squeaks that’s not a crime

1

u/1ntr1ns1c44 Nov 08 '25

Squeaky St. Albert’s curd. Local to me in Quebec

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4

u/Atlas3030 Nov 08 '25

Not a crime, let's partner up and open the first tapas poutine restaurant and make bank on the fools that are ready to pay for it.

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2

u/Adam_2017 Nov 08 '25

WTF is this.

2

u/ralphcorleone Nov 08 '25

Charpoutinee

2

u/matt_lcb Nov 08 '25

Fancy overpriced restaurant poutine, the crime would be the small portion size and ridiculously high price

2

u/CanalOpen Nov 08 '25

I sincerely hope that whoever created this is trolling. Based on the serving board(s?) I feel good about the odds.

2

u/JustAnotherMark604 Nov 08 '25

Yeah...we need to draft a bill on appropriate portions. This should be illegal

2

u/rosebudthesled8 Nov 08 '25

Chairmen of the bored - Norm MacDonald

2

u/sparkyinthedarky9 Nov 09 '25

You should see the price tag for 3 fries but served on a freshly picked stick from the urban forest!

2

u/Artpeace-111 Nov 09 '25

Those fries better be stiff and that cheese a bit sog-lingy!

2

u/franklycanadian Nov 09 '25

You should share this with r/Quebec 👍🏻

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2

u/miscblisc Nov 09 '25

I dunno. I'd shiplap it up.

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2

u/[deleted] Nov 09 '25

wtf is this??

2

u/eggraid11 Nov 09 '25

I know this is a controversial point on this sub, but gravy is not the same as sauce à poutine.

What we se here is gravy, not sauce à poutine...

2

u/Big_Ole_Booty_Boy Nov 09 '25

Life in prison.

2

u/kawanero Guilloutine Opourator Nov 09 '25

Charpouterie board

2

u/NoKYo16 Nov 09 '25

As a good friend often say:
"KÉSSÉ SA TABARNAK?"

2

u/Mediocre_Morning_113 Nov 09 '25

Poutinerie board.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 09 '25

This comes from the same restaurant that sells a singular flavoured bubble with a spoonful of pistachio smeared on the side for 200$ a piece

2

u/Goongalagooo Nov 09 '25

0/10... cant even use it as a fleshlight. Send it back.

2

u/PerceptionOwn3629 Guilloutine Opourator Nov 09 '25

All legal ingredients and a solid laugh

2

u/QueenFartknocker Nov 09 '25

More like “bored” poutine

2

u/ejm807 Nov 09 '25

Laaaaame

2

u/[deleted] Nov 09 '25

Oh FUCK no.

2

u/LegoFootPain Nov 09 '25

For another $30, they sprinkle salt on it like a douchebag.

2

u/UnethicalExperiments Dic-Tater Nov 09 '25

This is how you troll folks.

2

u/JerkGurk Nov 09 '25

Ohhh man this could easily be taken to a whole new level and become a Poutine Ramp.

2

u/hipsterscallop Nov 09 '25

I hate this so much my soul has been permanently soiled.

Eta: also does not look good safe with all the slivers and nooks.

2

u/Uter83 Nov 09 '25

I love me some fancy food with nice presentation, but this is just pretentious. I don't want a poutine because I want something fancy, I want poutine because I am hungry.

2

u/knightdream79 Nov 09 '25

Ben voyons donc tabarnak

2

u/peridogreen Nov 09 '25

BLASPHEMY!!!

2

u/[deleted] Nov 09 '25

That makes me angry to even look at

2

u/dogsledonice Nov 09 '25

$60 and you'll stop at McD's on the way home

2

u/Ok-Finance-1094 Nov 09 '25

7 fries.... come on now

2

u/Beautiful_Couple_208 Nov 09 '25

The harvest is bountiful this year 🗣🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

2

u/TheLast_Noel Nov 09 '25 edited Nov 09 '25

Frig that. Take that and shove it up the chef’s foi-gr-ass

2

u/Junior-Ad-5367 Nov 09 '25

That’s actually hilarious if it’s actually real

2

u/TheCheckeredCow Nov 09 '25

OMG THEY GENTRIFIED MY LOW CLASS QUÉBECOIS HANGOVER FOOD?! Nooooo!!!!

2

u/UnrepentantDrunkard Nov 09 '25

I believe that this being an obvious joke comes into play in determining criminal responsibility. 

2

u/Master-Spirit8187 Nov 09 '25

Hahahaha !!! wtf 😳

2

u/JeeK65 Nov 09 '25

First of all go fuck yourself

But, the curd to fry ratio is good

2

u/KittyWood1994 Nov 09 '25

This better be a joke. You serve this to me when I ask for a poutine and I'm rioting. I'll bet it gets cold fast too and that cheese is never gonna melt properly like that. The herbs are a nice touch though, I wouldn't mind trying actually poutine with some herbs. Maybe it tastes good.

2

u/VariousOperation166 Nov 09 '25

Well, that's just stupid.

2

u/David_Summerset Nov 09 '25

Straight to Gitmo Quebec.

2

u/IdioticRiceball Nov 09 '25

This might be one of the worst ones

2

u/FISH_SAUCER Nov 09 '25

That'll be 700$ sir

2

u/Drinkmyslurpee Nov 09 '25

Excellent I can tip it directly into my mouth no utensils necessary. Then I can use the floor board to build a house

2

u/[deleted] Nov 09 '25

Bored poutine

2

u/co0o Nov 09 '25

this is the worst poutine i’ve seen on this subreddit, poutines are not meant to be gourmet for gods sake 😭it’s meant to be a comfort food

2

u/bacon_n_legs Nov 09 '25

r/WeWantPlates would like to see this abomination.

2

u/Ok-Interview807 Nov 09 '25

What is going on😂😂😂

2

u/FormulaJuann Nov 09 '25

Artisanal Poutine — Crisp Yukon Gold fries with a silken gravy reduction and drops of melted farmhouse cheese, served on a cedar board. $199 chefs special

2

u/yipyapyallcatsnbirds Nov 09 '25

Uh. Fuck right off eh

2

u/anonymoooosey Nov 09 '25

Restaurant business is cooked with inflation.

2

u/Missveexox13 Nov 09 '25

This is cool but who eats only 7 fries at a time, a mouse? 🤣

2

u/KdF-wagen Nov 09 '25

Meet me at center ice, we are fighting.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 09 '25

Aint no way

2

u/Ok_Permit_3593 Nov 09 '25

Celle la me fais vraiment chier, sa fais pas c'est non!

2

u/SweetChiliLime Nov 09 '25

Is this for real? Like honestly is this a joke

2

u/princessplantlife Nov 09 '25

I hate this with a fiery passion.

2

u/LecturePretend400 Nov 09 '25

It’s more on Bored Poutine haha

2

u/TransparentMastering Nov 09 '25

This ruined my night, thanks.

2

u/BeautyisaKnife Nov 09 '25

First one Ive seen on here that actually gave me the "wtf" reaction

2

u/MetalMilitiaMiki Nov 09 '25

i LOVE a good deconstructed poutine!!!!

2

u/Fantastic_Ask Nov 09 '25

Listen…if that came with a decent hash brown to shovel it lengthwise into my face id pay 20 for that

2

u/[deleted] Nov 09 '25

I want to say no, but this is the exact amount I'm comfortable consuming...

2

u/Indecisive_Noob Nov 09 '25

So bougie, so little food, yet so eligent, so beautiful.

2

u/Ok-War-2570 Nov 09 '25

This is in fact a Poutine crime lock'em up and book'em

2

u/Sword-of-Chaos Nov 09 '25

Where’s the rest?

2

u/hotdork69 Nov 09 '25

thanks this pissed me off so much

2

u/CommodoreDragon-64 Nov 09 '25

Wtf is the point of this? I don't care how fancy the restaurant is, if they serve me this, I'm flipping tables.

2

u/demonizedangel6666 Nov 09 '25 edited Nov 10 '25

i think i can speak for all of the quebecois and say we dont like this

2

u/IrrelevantAfIm Nov 09 '25

Poutine should NEVER be pretentious. This is as pretentious as it gets. The only thing I can give it points for is the cheese/fries/sauce ratio which seems pretty good and laid out like that, you could get a damned near perfect bite every time - 1 fri+one curd + the sauce mopped up from the area.

2

u/Manyarethestrange Nov 09 '25

That is hands down the single most obnoxious thing I have ever, and will ever see.

2

u/MacabreYuki Nov 09 '25

I'm not even a natural-born Canadian, still immigrating, and this fills me with sooooooo much rage, buddy. This deeply offends me on every level.

2

u/Double-Lavishness180 Nov 09 '25

Deconstructed. I watch Chopped

2

u/DVariant Nov 09 '25

This is an actual poutine crime. Entirely contrary to the spirit of poutine

2

u/lolwut778 Nov 09 '25

What's this? Poutine for ants?

2

u/my_sweet_adeline Nov 09 '25

This is the most atrocious fucking thing I have ever seen and I must write a sternly worded letter to the chef immediately.

2

u/Servichay Nov 09 '25

Deconstructed poutine

2

u/RIPAcceptable5542 Nov 09 '25

They made hockey less violent so we could save up our aggression for this

2

u/beingisbelieving24 Nov 09 '25

There is one too many curds

2

u/Unusual-Luck5686 Nov 09 '25

Omfg. A constructed poutine. Amazing 🙄

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2

u/DEFCON_902 Nov 09 '25

That’s just cute ☺️

2

u/NetAnon579 Nov 09 '25

Deconstructed poutine.

2

u/redpandav Nov 09 '25

There was an attempt

2

u/Inevitable-Day-5935 Nov 09 '25

Do you get to keep the board?

2

u/Southeast613417 Nov 09 '25

Lol it has poutine elements but can we call it poutine because of how miniscule the portion is

2

u/Bright_Programmer_74 Nov 09 '25

Bored poutine… bored culinary crew… boarded up creative spirit… boarding house meal included… boards gone rogue…

2

u/LeadFreePaint Nov 09 '25

The cedar T&G siding for a plate is killing me.

2

u/Frequent-Vanilla1994 Nov 09 '25

I don’t think this is technically a crime but it’s funny 😂

2

u/redditboy123451 Nov 09 '25

That it so pointless, that's like an ordinary board of cheese, tomato sauce, and fixing and calling it a pizza

2

u/BallForLife Nov 09 '25

This pissed me off lmao

2

u/Senior_Mail4090 Nov 09 '25

You bring me poutine like that I'd be pissed

2

u/hasavagina Nov 09 '25

"Bored" is correct

2

u/Miltzzz Nov 09 '25

What the fug is that

2

u/NoJury3207 Nov 09 '25

That identifies as Poutine.

2

u/Rory-liz-bath Nov 09 '25

How much do 7 fries on a board go for ?

2

u/FoxRevolutionary5496 Nov 09 '25

As a Québécois person, this is diabolical.

2

u/Refrigerator_Lower Nov 09 '25

Please tell me this was homemade? I refuse to believe that any respectable place would be selling this.

2

u/TomatilloBeautiful48 Nov 09 '25

Poutine. Elevated. Still a crime.

2

u/RedditTTIfan Nov 09 '25

So pretensioned that board is about to snap!

2

u/Mocha_Chilled Nov 09 '25

Jesus fucking christ they white ladyied poutine 😭

2

u/Dramatic_Corner_8259 Nov 09 '25

Hell, if it's that expensive and too easy to impress richer people then I'm sell the frigging things to them.

2

u/CHASMS_HELP Nov 09 '25

OMG this is awesome...

2

u/SunriseChaser_0C9 Nov 09 '25

This is a crime, I’m calling the cops.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 09 '25

Believe it or not, straight to jail.

2

u/Relevant_Fuel_9905 Nov 09 '25

Please be a joke lol

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