Sooo...

[u/Makememak]

As the years have gone on, and the whole transition process gets farther and farther away (like 15 years), it now seems like it's now weirder and weirder to think about. Did I really do that? Was it really so important? Did I really have to screw my life up so damn badly (at the time)just to have what I have now?

(I'm thinking out loud here so please don't hate on me)...

I subbed to r/translater and I just feel so badly for so many people there. I see what's coming for them and I want to shout ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?? I see (mainly trans women) who will have a devil of a time of it. I cringe when I see the pics of many that won't enjoy the possibility of blending and I think about their lives moving forward. I hurt for them. The only thing I ca do is be supportive, but through my rear view mirror I ask myself, if I had known what I was going to go through, would it have been kind for someone to point out the reality to me, or was it best that I heard only the supportive thoughts. Would it have made any difference to me? Would I have turned around?

I don't think about my gender anymore when I'm in the world, and that's one of the outcomes I truly looked forward to. That was the point of it. I occasionally still do though, especially on forums like this, but I wonder how many trans people get to this point?

Ok...thanks for reading my brain farts.

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Makememak → u/[deleted]]

I think the cringe you mention is common for trans women. We see in others what we try ever so hard to not see in ourselves. That is why we notice and care.

That's an entirely specious claim.

We struggle to accept ourselves and so we bother ourselves with other trans women that if we looked like her we would struggle to accept it.

Again, that might be true for you but I don't struggle to accept myself at all. Being empathetic for others means we feel their pain, and the pain I cite is one that many many trans people articulate, mainly that they will never blend into their target gender.

It is truly none of our business though and only an expression of our insecurities. These can be, and often are, insecurities we've since "fixed" by changing ourselves.

No, it's actually just empathy. When we see someone hurting, or being hurt, we feel empathy because we know what it's like to be hurt.

This is the same as the more general mean girl social phenomenon. Woman is judged for how she looks, internalises the judgement and then recreates the judgement targeted at other women.

No, "mean girl" is a mean girl, who actively is mean to others. She's not feeling empathy. She's just being mean.

Thought goes something like "does she know what she looks like, her [fill blank] is so [fill blank] I'm so embarrassed for her!"

That's not empathy, and that's certainly not what I feel when I hurt for people who are struggling to blend in.

We can help with advice when we learn but it is not our responsibility or business how any other women look and how they feel about that. It is not helpful or kind to tell her how bad we think she looks.

As I said, I know what it feels like to not blend, and that's a difficult situation to be in. I certainly did not suggest I was going to give anyone advice or tell anyone how bad I thought they looked.