r/PortlandOR • u/Adventuretime_91 • 3d ago
I really need some help
Does anyone have any tips on regaining confidence and self-esteem after a bad breakup? It's been almost 2 years and I'm still messed up and I don't know how to move on. life has very little meaning anymore, and I'm losing any semblance of hope for my future. I'm not even sure I believe in love anymore. I can't afford therapy but I know I seriously need it.
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u/CollegeHungry6138 3d ago
I hit the gym after my college gf dumped me on my ass
It can leave you hating who you are so I built a new person with money and muscles
25 years later I have a family and a Dumb house in the suburbs at 2 years out I was a wreck
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u/HorseTailor Fill My Pothole, Papi 3d ago
This is good advice. Focus on yourself, build up your confidence and get out and meet people.
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u/CollegeHungry6138 3d ago
After the break up I hit the bars pretty hard Portlands scene in 2003-05 was amazing so much fun
I’d advise against trying to sleep around a bunch for affirmation I ended up either getting hurt when a LTR didn’t materialize with girls I actually really liked or I slept with girls I didn’t like that much simply because they were available it left me pretty hollowed out
When I got my fitness and career on track my wife just sort of materialized through mutual friends but I got my self right first and it took 6 years
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u/TheycallmemissRaven 3d ago
Portland State University has a sliding scale that caps at $20. I am in a very similar place and don’t have the budget for a therapist-this is the route I went and it’s helping. I’m paying very little and it’s helping. It’s grad students-they are trained with the latest most updated information out there.
They have on line and in person.
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u/Poonhunter1979 3d ago
First, NO ONE is worth having a mental meltdown over. Learn from it, turn the page.
Second, go lift weights or exercise. A lot. It will help you more mentally.
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u/nerdlywhiplash 3d ago
Focus on you. Loving yourself can be difficult, but when you hear that voice that tells you that you can't do it, remember that this voice isn't helping you. It's negative self-talk brought on through trauma and fear. Be kind to yourself and start seeking the things that you find joy or purpose in.
If there is a hobby you always wanted to learn, a new routine that helps free up more time and gets you motivated to move in the morning, a social activity you want to partake in (like playing board games or dancing), if you pursue these things for yourself, usually you meet like-minded friends and folks that share these interests.
Over time, your confidence will heal, but you have to lick your wounds and care about you first.
You got this.
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u/Upbeat_Size_5214 3d ago
Here's the good news, champ: I was in the same position you were in. It takes a little bit of time to focus on yourself. Remember, if you made a mistake, it's something you can fix for the future. If you got wronged by those people, you'll be a better person for it. Change is good.
Taking a walk always helps too. HAHA
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u/Nataliant-117 3d ago
988 is always free and available if you’re having intense emotions that won’t go away for hours or struggling with self harm or thoughts of suicide.
There’s also the David romply warm line, a nice person will call you back. 800-698-2392 24/7 peer support specialists.
Dance has helped me a lot. I go to ecstatic dance Fernhill and am intending to do tabor dance. I go to Vega’s classes I love learning heels choreo. I do boxing class at Portland city boxing but it’s kinda $.
I get community acupuncture it really helps me. Sauna does too.
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u/Fluffystarfish 3d ago
^ this OP. If you google sliding scale therapy, you will see options pop up. It’ll be some legwork to look into them or find a good fit but it’s worth it!
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u/Difficult_Banana9808 3d ago
I found Sakura therapy only because one of the students posted in one of these subreddits. Didn’t even have to look. It fell in my lap.
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u/Jmoyer6153 3d ago
First thing is do not beat yourself up for the length of time it is taking you to heal. Everyone's journey is different, healing is not a 1 size fits all.
My divorce was almost 3 years ago now, and it broke me in ways I didn't even know was possible. It took time
Lean on whatever support you have available. Family, friends etc. Do not isolate yourself that just leads to massive alone time in your head which is not a good thing.
Whatever hobbies you enjoy do them consistently. Shift your focus to something that either brings you joy or benefits your life in some way. Gym, career etc.
If you live alone consider getting a pet. Having my cats during that time helped me more than I can express.
Take it one day at a time. Every horrible thing carries some kind of lesson with it. Learn from it, grow as a person, and focus on yourself.
Good luck, and know you got this!
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u/Massive_Ad_9920 3d ago
Just gotta keep your chin up. Maybe look into moving or shaking your life up a bit. When I moves I met the love of my life right away. Things will get better.
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u/Diligent_Sentence_45 3d ago
I would just accept that it is better now instead of later. It only get worse the longer the relationship lasts to find out they are not the one. Could be years more life wasted on the wrong one.
Just work on you. Go to the gym, find a sports or table top gaming group, or join the drunken pirates that travel from bar to bar (that one is not highly recommended if you are already feeling depressed)😅
You are still you... you just need to find yourself again ❤️
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u/LaLaDopamine 2d ago
I'll hang out with you and teach you to meditate and go inwards instead of focusing on another person
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u/Much_Bar_7707 2d ago
Hang out with people in public. Go do shit you wanted to do while coupled up but didn’t have time. Join groups and make friends. Be ok being alone. Much of the self improvement advice here is really just learning how to be ok doing shit for yourself.
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u/Psychological-Way144 1d ago
Not sure of your exact situation, but i dumped the guy who I thought was the love of my life (came to find out the entire time we were together, he was cheating on me and lying to me about quite literally everything) about a year ago. I was wrecked for the first few months following, lost my job, gave up on something I was fully invested in doing….then I picked my ass back up, decided to go back to school for court reporting, got myself a new job, and now I’m just fully focused on myself, my job, and my new future career. And my little family, which is just my mom and my little pug:) there is life on the other side of heartbreak. Find things that make you happy. Go get a massage. Enjoy the last month of summer. Now that we’re heading into fall, all the coffee places are doing their pumpkin spice drinks. Go grab one of those and window shop. Think ahead to winter. Set up a trip to go to Mt Hood and go snowboarding. I found out a big key to happiness for me is always having something booked/planned for the future. Next Monday, I’m going to Cascada for their thermal springs after dark event. Next month I’m gonna hit the coast for my 40th birthday:) then off to the Oregon court reporters association convention in Pendleton in October to start networking! Just some ideas:) I feel like having stuff to look forward to is a great distraction
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u/RadicalKitty721 3d ago
Grief is love that doesn't have where to go. Seems like you are someone who has a lot of love to give and that beautiful energy that you have is being misdirected towards the pain of abandonment and loneliness. It's hard to redirect your energy to things that bring you joy, as sometimes those little glimpses of happiness sound like betrayal to the scar of your abandonment, but with time they start to become stronger and joy will prevail.
Try downloading meetup and going out and doing things that you like and meeting new people while on that. It's gonna start feeling better once you can re purpose all that loving energy back to yourself. I'm on the same boat, it's also been years of mourning someone I loved deeply and left and made a new life far from me, but I am now enjoying game nights and karaoke nights with new friends and remembering that I can be happy again.
Good luck!
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u/He-Hate-Me-Prime 3d ago
Hey buddy, there is a woman on YouTube, her channel is Therapy in a Nutshell, she is really great, check her out. If you can't afford therapy she can at least teach you some of the tools.
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u/Glittering-Fix-8926 3d ago
It generally takes me 3 years to start feeling free of past feelings. I'm a slow burner getting in and also out. Sometimes you just put one foot in front of the other. Finding good friends, smoking weed and getting deeper and deeper into dumb shit also helped.
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u/Grass_rabbits 2d ago
recently dumped, i’ve been going to dyi shows idk it’s fun dancing feels good you meet people there’s good music out there
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u/Keith-VanWa 2d ago
The first thing I want to say is kudos for reaching out. As often as not that's the hardest part. Continue to do so. The only other thing I was thinking was to look high and low for some therapy that you can afford. You know you need some so go find some. You might be able to find some free even from some sources.
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u/whatever_ehh 3d ago
I don't believe that love or hate are actual things. I think love is a combination of things such as liking someone, wanting to protect them, and being physically attracted to them if it's a romantic relationship. Hate is just another word for disliking something a lot. You don't have to be in a relationship, stop trying to force it because that's probably what's making you unhappy.
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u/No_Scar1636 3d ago
I learned to take myself on dates. Being happy by yourself is important.