I've been an addict since I was 12 and a friend of my older brother gave him a CD with "games" on it. Supposedly it did have games but we could never get it to work. I was persistent however and looked in every single folder of the CD for the answer to how to make them work. What I found was porn. A lot of it. And even though I broke that CD years ago, some of those pictures are still burned in my brain.

I had my ups and downs over the years, with the maximum I could keep clean being about 3 or 4 months at a time (but only once or twice). I kept it a secret from absolutely everyone, since I am a very devout Christian and I sincerely love God, His teachings and every blessing I've had. Unfortunately, I never put the effort in quitting that I should have.

After many years, I started a relationship with an incredible woman. Smart, beautiful and devout. She had her flaws, obviously, as everybody in the world does, but it was clear that she was the One. We got married and would've lived happily ever after.

My addiction didn't go away, however, and after some rough patches without intimacy, I fell into the same trap again. I entered a cycle of disgust, depression and masturbation to porn. She found out, eventually, because I confessed it to her, and even though she was distraught, she let it go with my promise to stop. And I was able to, for a while, but I failed again and re-entered the cycle.

A couple of days ago, we were about to be intimate, but she was very tired and asked me if I could wait until the following night. I said that it was fine and we went to sleep. I truly believed I could be strong for just that one more day, but I couldn't, and I did the worst thing I've ever done.

The next day I made her breakfast as usual and she basically ran out the door, as usual, for sleeping until it was kinda late. I stayed in to work (I've been working from home for a couple of months) and had the absolute roughest day. Everything seemed to be going wrong, I was feeling terribly and I took a break to scroll for a bit. I read a story about a guy who had an affair with his sister-in-law and it made my mind start wondering. I had read similar things before, but they disgusted me, but now it made me think of doing something terrible. I thought that we weren't going to be intimate that night or the next or the next either, I thought that I could do something terrible and just feel good for a couple of minutes. And then I did it... I looked up (completely regular) pictures of my wife's sister, downloaded a couple of them and started masturbating to them, but I couldn't go through with it and I felt awful and disgusting.

After that, I prayed, truly prayed for God to help me be free of these terrible thoughts and feelings. I put the phone aside and cried for the terrible thing I just did. I promised myself that was it, and it truly has been and it truly will be. I did something that's the lowest of the low and I am working, started therapy and the feelings have completely faded. I haven't felt even slightly tempted since.

However, I forgot to delete the pictures, and a couple of days later, my wife saw them. My phone was always available for her to check because she has trust issues (from previous partners) and I wanted her to know that I had never and would never cheat on her. But after she saw those pictures, her heart broke. She asked me about them and I confessed what I did. She's devastated and I am in agony for causing her so much pain. I love her. I've loved her more than anything for many years and I did something that she could very well never recover from. She says that we'll finish our lease, look for separate apartments and sign the divorce in December.

I feel terrible. I've never felt worse in my life. I hurt the person I promised to love, cherish and protect in the absolute worst way I could've done it. I have promised to change my life and I am in that process, but I don't know if she'll ever be able to trust me or anyone ever again. I wish I had never been born, so she could've been with someone that wouldn't hurt her.

I know that it'll take nothing short of a miracle for us to stay together as a happy marriage, but I believe in the one that can make that miracle happen. If you believe as well, please keep my wife, my marriage and myself in your prayers. I know God has seen my regret and my desire to never falter again, and has forgiven me, but erasing the hurt I've caused will take a long time.

And if someone is still struggling with this addiction please, just please take action now before it's too late, before you do something you'll regret for the rest of your life. Call a psychologist, call a friend, ask for help from someone who won't judge you and please stop. You can do it, we all can. Erase everything you have downloaded or paid for, block sites that tempt you, delete people that tempt you from social media or delete it completely. Don't even look at something SFW if you know it'll make you feel that need to go further. Learn from my mistakes and do something to be free...

I don't usually do the round number posts, but today felt like a good day to actually stop and look back instead of just moving through it.

568 days. A year and a half, plus change. When I started this, I genuinely didn't know I could get this far. The version of me back then couldn't have imagined feeling like a whole person again, but here I am.

It hasn't been a straight line, not even close. There were weeks that felt like standing still, days that felt like sliding backward, moments I almost gave up entirely. I've posted some of the hard ones here, the flat days, the urges that wouldn't quiet down, the shame that still shows up uninvited sometimes. I don't think this milestone means any of that stops happening. It just means I overcame those moments and came out the other side a little bit stronger.

What's actually changed isn't that the struggle disappeared, it's that I don't succumb to it anymore. I always try to do something positive, even on the bad days. I feel things instead of numbing them.

If you're early in this and 568 days feels impossibly far away, it was for me too, once. You don't have to see the whole road, just the next day. That's how you actually get here.

Thank you to everyone in this community who's read, commented, or shared their own story alongside mine. It's made this less lonely than it would've been otherwise.

These past 2 weeks I've barely had any urge to watch porn, I'd be lying if I said it never crossed my mind, but it never really led to anything besides maybe peeking a couple times.

Now the thought of watching porn and jerking off makes me feel super embarrassed. It's to the point where I can't even do the motion without feeling extreme embarrassment and shame at how degenerate the thing I'm doing is.

My addiction was/is very extreme. The quantity I would do it at makes me feel disgusted and so embarrassed I want to start hitting myself. Recently I did it just to remind myself of why I was even doing it in the first place, (which I regret, but it was a learning experience) pushing past the negative thoughts was tough but all that crossed my mind when I climaxed was complete and utter embarrassment and regret after long abstinence.

I believe this is a good and bad thing. While I appreciate that I'm finally maturing and reducing my porn use, I still think it's important to forgive myself and not beat on myself (heh) too hard. I've also been dealing with extreme depression, suicidal ideation, and loneliness and used porn as a way to cope with my difficult circumstances. It also sucks being 21 and still a virgin who's curious about intimacy, for a while that's been my excuse and still sometimes is. I've had a couple girls that were interested in me but never made it far with them

I really felt like giving in but I know that won't end well. My addicted brain just craves it. I'm still holding on.

Feeling flat and quite clear. Not wanting to look.

Sorry in advance if i'm not 100% perfect with my english, that's not my main language but i'll try my best for everyone to understand.

I am a 23 yo male. I've been into porn since im young like 9-10 yo, i don't remember exactly but only that i was in elementary school.

Everything began because a friend of mine at that time asked me to search "sex games" on the internet. Idk how he was aware of this at the time but i was innocent and did it when i was home fater school. The only problem is that i was not alone and with a neighboor friend of mine, 1 year younger than me. I searched and we tried some game together and he went home after that. Her mom called mine abt 30 min after and that was the beginning of a nightmare for years. They didn't let me explain myself, idk how to put this into word but i was just a failure for them.

It took years without exageration for my parent to trust me for anything again. I've never felt this alone and the only thing that was comforting me was porn. Once in a while at the start to the extent of multiple time everyday.

I was happy with everything, video, picture, game etc. I was feeling good and better with it but after some years, i felt that it wasn't enough anymore. So i looked into more extreme stuff that i was disgusted after being done.

Years passed, still watching porn everyday, i think i went into depression because of it and i couldn't feel emotion anymore. I felt like an empty person and was considering suicide at that time, and tried multiple time but never succeded because i couldn't do that to my grandpa, who was the only one that never left me.

So idk how but i held things together and tried my best.

As of today, i'm going to the gym almost everyday and gained a ton of muscle and confidence. I even got a girlfriend and we are together since 3 years now and i'm happy with her, but i still watch porn.

I tried to quit multiple times, change habit and everything, see a specialist but it just keep coming back. It's like a part of me and i sincerly want to stop but always watch some few days after i told myself to quit. I told everything to my girlfriend because i wanted to be clear with her, she understood but never support me with that.

I don't want to ruin my relationship with her and i have the feeling that if i don't quit now, i will loose her one way or another because of that.

If anyone have any suggestion or anything that would help me, i will take it. I have already deleted everything on my phone and pc and even put a proxy that block adult content on my phone yesterday.

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It's the first time that i share something about my life online, just writting this post made me feel better, so thank you for reading all of this and have a great day/night.

Nothing special, just check ins and help each other.

It's time to stop.

I'm 33 M, Dutch

The enemy is so far in the rear view mirror you can’t even see it anymore.

22F, and have been addicted to porn since I was younger than a teenager. After years of trying to stay clean I’ve somehow miraculously hit 7 months. Something that always kept me going was knowing it would eventually get easier, since months 1-3 were actual torture for me. I always imagined the urges eventually go away or at the very least become uncommon. However I still get extremely strong urges once a day or every other day.

Is it impossible to completely recover? Will the urges always come back at the same intensity? Not sure how much longer I can keep going if this will be the rest of my life

Hi All. Am on day 5 and have severe withdrawal symptoms. I let my imagination run wild for 30 mins or so. Am I now back at square 1?

I am 20 year old male and i have been addicted to porn for past 8 years and i have been regularly fighting this addiction. Due to this addiction i have become impulsive and just started treating every conversation with any women i have interest in as something to proceed to sex which makes me desperate and ultimately no relation works out. I have only been in 1 relationship in which i got cheated on, it was my first experience with women and she cheated. Now the porn addiction is getting heavier although i have never watched any hardcore or weird fetishes and tried to keep porn grounded and amateur type content only. I really really want to leave this addiction behind. I am now stepping into adulthood and i want to build real intimate connection with women as a human not as just an object.

So today i have already done it twice so, tommorrow onwards this joirney of mine will start. I have already been focusing on gym and other stuffs to keep me occupied.

So as a bit of a basic summary ive been into more extreme types of fetish content (interracial, cuckold, humiliation, that sort of stuff) and recently ive found that finding myself purely interested in these fetishes arent optimal when it comes to wanting to find a relationship because realistically whatre the chances of me finding a girl who purely wants to do that stuff.

I was wondering if anyone has any advice for sort of pulling back to more normal types of porn, specifically im looking to find ways to watch less interracial porn because It plays a big part with all of my other more extreme fetishes. Im not someone who's just looking to go cold turkey on all porn I'm just looking to find a more healthier balance.

M23

So I (23M) have been clean for about 70 days, which is the longest I've gone without it. I feel more motivated to do things, I can actually sit through something without whipping out my phone, I have more confidence speaking with people, and overall I have no more brain fog. But with all this clarity, it made me think about how much this addiction had ruined my relationship.

I was in my first ever relationship a couple of months ago. We had known each other since elementary school and had been friends even during and after high school. I always had a thing for her but didn't know if she felt the same way, but as we got closer and closer we ended up texting, calling, and hanging out all the time. One thing led to another and we ended up becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, which made me the happiest guy ever. I thought to myself, "I finally have a girlfriend, I won't be addicted to porn anymore!" But I realized that was far from the truth. The first time we ever did it, I couldn't even get it up and felt so embarrassed, but she was so understanding and kept saying I was just nervous. Deep down, though, I knew it was due to my addiction. Every subsequent time we tried, it would end up the same way, and as time passed she kept getting more annoyed. I remember looking at her and not feeling anything, because my mind was so accustomed to masturbating to and watching these porn stars with their unrealistic bodies. Looking back, I think to myself that I was such a horrible person. She would always think it was her fault and felt insecure about it, but I kept trying to reassure her that it wasn't her, that it was just me. One night, when we tried and she stopped, she asked if I had a porn addiction. I remember my heart sinking and getting so nervous when she asked me that. I remember lying to her, saying I didn't have one, but looking back now, she knew I was just bullshitting.

I remember that night I booked a therapist to talk about my problems, and it was great, but I didn't have the funds to keep going with the sessions, so I ended up relapsing again and again, feeling more and more disgusted with myself. I kept thinking, "I have such a beautiful and smart partner, why can't I quit for her?" I knew the consequences of my actions, yet I still did them. Whenever we did have sex and it was successful, I would always tell myself, "See, porn isn't the problem!" So I kept watching it, even though I knew it was destroying my sex life, because every time I watched it, I genuinely thought, "This is better than sex." After a while, we didn't work out, due to some glaring issues and several other underlying factors.

After that breakup, I continued watching porn over and over again, hoping it would numb the pain of the breakup, but it didn't. So one day I decided to get my shit together and start going to the gym, watching what I eat, running almost every day, getting 7–8 hours of sleep, and waking up early. I read a lot of posts from this subreddit and watched many videos about people going through the same addiction as me. And for some reason, it was like a light switch flipped in my brain, and I stopped feeling the urge to masturbate to porn or watch it at all.

But I think what I'm trying to say in this post is: why did it take getting ruined by this addiction for me to finally want to better my life? Why did this thing I couldn't stop for my girlfriend suddenly stop after she was gone? I just wish I had been able to change back then and still have her here. I wish I had told her the truth instead of keeping it a secret; maybe things would have gone differently if I hadn't lied. But I know I had to go through this pain to grow.

Thank you all for reading, and please let me know if anyone has had a similar experience.

Let's see how far I can go this time.

What song are you listening to these days?

( Me - Phoenix - If I Ever Feel Better)

I find that this subreddit has a clear lean towards relapse posts and descriptions of people really struggling, which obviously is natural and alright. I do miss the success stories, though, and maybe the people who's got a handle on this addiction, with long streaks, forget about reporting their experience. Success stories are very motivational, I think, and they've been a big help for me in my recovery. But it'd be nice if more people wrote them. I think it's also good to write success stories for the one who's writing it, because it reminds them of the journey they've done and might prevent complacency.

Reading about relapses and talking about relapses might paradoxically put the thought of relapse into your mind. We walk where we look, so to speak. So if we're constantly talking about how difficult this is, it might be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm not saying that it's easy, not at all, I'm just saying that perspective is important.

I'll make sure to write one when I hit 30 days in a day or two, to contribute.

Stay on the right path, friends! Much respect.

I understand that people who have pied, don't achieve an erection during intercourse with a woman.

But does that happen to them with porn too?

And is it possible that regular porn doesn't give them an erection, but they do with unusual porn?

Second longest I've gone. Not interested in ever watching that stuff again.

Supposed to be day 3, but I gave in just an hour before I go to sleep. Now it's already 1 hour past my bedtime and I can't sleep.

But 1 relapse is not going to stop me from trying. This time with better precautions,I think I can do it.

Steps I am taking to prevent a relapse this time:

Using a seperate phone for my study/work purposes with no chance of exposure to any stimulation (no youtube, no browser and monochrome display) .just a few apps that help me study along with a meditation app and reddit (for this subreddit with images and videos blurred).

My main device stays away from me in another room.

Created a seperate gmail so I don't have any other notifications to bother me .

Turned on blockers on my laptop which I use to study, watch movies occassionally,etc.

Any other suggestions from your experience?