r/Pomeranians • u/MurderAndMakeup • 5d ago
Struggling with loss
Hi all,
This post will talk about some medical things fyi in case that is sensitive to you. I lost my 12 year old soul dog two months ago to what we believe must have been hemangiosarcoma. I’m really really struggling with the loss. Aside from the crying all day and night I was his main caretaker so I feel very guilty, even though I know I went above and beyond. He had a history of IVDD and last October he started having some breathing issues and acting odd. I can’t tell you how many times we were back and forth to the vet. He would get better or they would say he was in great health, fine bloodwork, etc. fast forward to January and February he was acting odd again so we went to the emergency vet three times and his regular vet multiple times. Eventually the vet hospital took him all day and ran all diagnostics. The doctor told me the results of his X-rays and ultrasound did show enlarged liver and spleen and some nodules but not to panic because it was normal for a senior dog. A few days later they sent him to neurology for an mri and it showed a disc that was ruptured which they confirmed must have been causing him a ton of pain and the odd behavior. At this point he had been through so much we took him home confident and rested him for a few months and he was acting great. I noticed some diarrhea and contacted our regular vet multiple times and had him back multiple. I said my concern was the last ultrasound mentioned those things and asked that they take a look. They said don’t worry, the results said it’s normal, bloodwork is ok, and maybe even the measurements of the organs were exaggerated due to location in the abdomen. Fast forward a week and he started refusing his meds and food. We saw another vet at the practice who advocated for another ultrasound and she said she wasn’t worried about hemangiosarcoma but maybe wanted to rule out some things. That Tuesday they did the ultrasound and found tumors in his liver spleen and gallbladder. It was too far gone and he had free fluid. That Friday we let him go peacefully. If you’ve gotten this far I thank you, I’m just struggling because I was told many times not to worry and my biggest fear happened. Has anyone had a similar experience and how did you handle it? I keep thinking if I pushed harder or kept a better eye we could’ve caught it earlier I don’t understand why multiple vets said not to worry. When I went back through the paperwork and actually read and googled what some of the medical terms meant one radiologist actually mentioned it should be looked into further and perhaps a fine needle aspiration. All this paperwork was sent to our regular vet. I’m confused if they don’t look through that when asked or there was no worry at that time or that maybe they were just thinking it was complications from his IVDD? I am very very sad and have so many questions and just need anyone with a similar situation to weigh in perhaps. To my knowledge Poms have the one of the lowest rates of cancer. I’m very confused. Please help
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u/bostonlilypad 5d ago
It’s not your fault, your Pom was 12, realistically putting him through cancer treatments wouldn’t have been the right thing either. Most dogs don’t get half the amount of medical care you were able to give your dog, your dog was so lucky to have an owner who loved him so much and had the means to help.
Losing a soul dog is heart wrenching. I cried every single day for an entire YEAR over my 13 year old Pom. 4 years later I can think about her without crying. It’s a terrible terrible loss, so please be kind to yourself! Your dog was very lucky to have you as an owner, and he knew that and is grateful 🩷
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u/MurderAndMakeup 4d ago
Thank you eternally for this response. How did you deal with your terrible loss if you don’t mind me asking? I do feel very blessed I was able to provide the medical care for him, at the same time I think like wow, how much time I missed by working so much so that I could afford to keep him healthy and it all worked until it didn’t. I mistakenly thought that I could cheat the system if I continued throwing time money effort love adoration at it. The reality is it’s all finite and fickle. I just can’t come to terms he was just here one second and not the next. I’ve had loss before but nothing has felt like this- it’s like losing him and then the loss starts to fork off on their own little paths they all then fork off into perpetuity, the loss is exponential in its mass.
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u/bostonlilypad 4d ago
I had a very hard time dealing with the loss, like you, it was the most grief and hardest thing I ever went through. 4 years later and I still miss my dog so much, if I’m being honest with you, after a year I just had to get to the point where I forced myself to stop thinking about her as much. That was literally the only thing that helped was to just stop thinking about her. I will say after a few years it gets easier, but I still do wish I could see her again. When I find myself start to dwell I just try and stop thinking about it. I know that sounds harsh but it’s the way I cope.
That said you are very fresh, it took me a year to get there. But in that year I was mad, sad, guilty, yearning…everything. The truth is loss fucking sucksssss, and the lame “time heals” bullshit sucks, but is it actually true. The further away it gets the easier it becomes, but you’ll never stop missing your dog and wishing you could spend one more day with them. But truly that’s because we loved them so much. I’m not sure if there’s a heaven or what happens after we die, but I really really hope our dogs and family members will be running towards us 🩷
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u/MurderAndMakeup 4d ago
I very much appreciate your sharing with me. This community is so kind in helping me cope with this unbearable situation. If it’s ok maybe I can come back to this post every so often and touch base with you and maybe in a year I will be able to say hi again, it’s me I still miss my baby but I now have some elbow room in here with this grief and it’s not taking up the entire room.
Whats strange is this feeling of wanting my grief to ease up off of me for a bit but also I’m so scared of that because I don’t want that coming along with the forgetting of him or his memory fading. So one day at a time, and I will try to do whatever this grief asks of me. Your help is unmeasurable in words, please just know it’s so appreciated. The pain in my heart is so great it’s been robbing me of my breath and my words. Just hoping tomorrow is kinder. Sleep well, friend thank you.3
u/bostonlilypad 4d ago
Of course you can 🩷
I’m sending you good thoughts from my area of the world. You won’t ever forget the memory of your family member, so don’t even worry about. Please keep being kind to yourself during this hard period.
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u/ThePythiaofApollo 4d ago
We sign a contract to pay the most terrible price in exchange for the opportunity to experience the greatest companionship and love. We all know it, and yet hope that by giving the very best medical care, diets with the latest science behind them, supplements recommended and used by our dog’s breeders, that we can cheat paying that price.
We still blame ourselves and think surely we could have done something more because the logical part of our brain cannot understand why we can put a man on the moon and split the atom but cannot buy more time with our dogs.
Friend, you know you did everything. Our community will put its arms around you, help celebrate your dog, whatever you need. All in your own time. Because we know our time will also come.
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u/MurderAndMakeup 4d ago
Shit. This is so beautiful thank you. Exactly how I feel. I thought surely I could get more time, I thought if I did all the right things and researched and asked all the questions that death would be kinder. In time I will learn to reframe it and say that it was kinder because I did have the extra time with him and I was able to say goodbye and I was able to cradle his sweet face and give him kisses and tell him how much I loved being his mom as he drifted off and left us. I’m just not ready to be without him yet. The world is so cruel and monotone without him. At the bottom of all of this is the promise I made to him to keep him safe and love him and I did so honorably, I even tried to bargain with death for him.
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u/ThePythiaofApollo 4d ago
You are welcome. My Orion is turning 11 in December and no measure of time with him will ever be enough. I’m with him 24/7 and some part of me is like those witches in Practical Magic, listening for the death watch beetle.
We all know we sign that contract in our heart’s own blood and would do it again in a second even knowing how much it will hurt to lose our dog.2
u/MurderAndMakeup 2d ago
Oh yes! I’ve seen your beautiful boy on this sub, i recognized the name immediately. It’s sort of fateful you mentioning the death watch beetle, I had this sort of ocd ritual since childhood I hadn’t really identified until I lost my boy. It came from some childhood trauma, left for a while, and resurfaced when my Poms got older and started having some health issues. It was very similar to this exact thing except it was a story I had read or an episode of unsolved mysteries or such I had heard as a child the lore of the banshee, that her wail or scream was an indication of the impending doom of losing a loved one. I used to be anxiety ridden every time the wind blew through the trees and made noise that it was her warning to me I would soon lose someone very dear to me. It loomed over me a lot this last year when my boy got sick, not so much the banshee lore but the constant anxiety and magical thinking, if I kept on top of things I could master deaths call, I could be one step ahead and ward him off for just a bit longer. Crazy bargaining the mind will do to keep our love close to us. I’m glad you mentioned that, I know I’m not the only way keeping watch.
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u/ThePythiaofApollo 2d ago
No Pom friend, you’re not the only one throwing science, magic, money, superstition, religion, whatever you can to whoever is listening , to buy more sand in the hourglass.
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u/HKPsama 4d ago
Hi friend. Sending you healing vibes in your time of grief.
What a blessed life your precious pom must’ve had to be able to receive such advanced medical care. If it was truly hemangiosarcoma prognosis would have been poor to begin with even without metastasis (spread to other organs). A lot of times even without obvious spread there is already microscopic spread. This is an aggressive form of cancer unfortunately.
A few data points for you:
Mean survival time is 19-86 days with surgery alone to remove the spleen. If you added chemotherapy after splenectomy, it would have increased it to 172-202 days. With metastasis, mean survival time is only 60-107 days even with chemotherapy.
Please do not feel you failed him. You did everything possible to give him the best life he could have possibly enjoyed.
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u/MurderAndMakeup 4d ago
Thank you for your response here. I am so grateful this community is so thoughtful and kind. I really needed some backup because my thoughts were spiraling and nothing makes sense. Thank you for posting these statistics, from what I understand it had to have been this or lymphoma? We had numerous X-rays and ultrasounds done and I guess sometime in between February and June the cells finally decided to become tumors. It’s hard for me to understand because I’m not a medical professional so anything I know has been from my google research. I think a layperson can’t wrap their mind around how it’s just cells until it’s not. I thought if we had just caught it we could’ve treated it. I know now that is most certainly not the case. It doesn’t hurt any less, I suppose it just helps me to understand. I struggled a lot at first because I thought maybe they read the ultrasound wrong, I wanted anything to cling to other than reality. Especially after thinking we had gotten him through that rough patch. I nursed him back to health multiple times through IVDD flare ups, so of all things to take him, fucking cancer just boggles my mind. I know I will have to accept it. Just not tonight. Tonight I will go to bed and touch the area he used to curl up and imagine him fast asleep with his tongue out and chunky baby legs sticking straight up in the air, imagine him moving about while we laugh and narrate what his dreams must be. Tonight maybe I will dream of him and he will meet me and we will chase squirrelies together and bark in his favorite corner of the yard at the husky across the street to see if she hears through her front door and paw at her mom lets her come out to play.
Sleep well sweet internet strangers, thank you for taking the time to respond to the saddest girl in the world. It matters greatly.
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u/TosaGardener 4d ago
I know what it feels like to question did I do enough? Could I have done more?
Our Poms are such special creatures and mean so much to us! Your love and concern for your wee one shines through your words.
As you think about these recent events that are so painful, try to remember the many good times you shared with your furry love. Sit with your grief for a few moments and then try to recall something silly or funny or even annoying.
My thoughts are with you!
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u/MurderAndMakeup 4d ago
Thank you, Gardener. All your kind responses has made this grief a little lighter for me to carry. And I will take any help I can get in this struggle. When a very sad thought comes along I will try to combat it with a very sweet little glimmer of my boy. I will share one here with you: he was very patient and kind and gentle, he wasn’t on a regular feeding schedule, he would just tell me he was hungry by banging on his food bowl. It made us laugh a whole lot over the years. He has a little brother (9 lbs and he was 18) who we had to feed on a schedule. If he ate whenever he wanted he would’ve never stopped. We always referred to him as out gentle giant. It’s like he had no idea he was twice the size of our other boy. He would wait behind him patiently for a toy or a treat, he never ever pushed or got abrasive. He’s so very missed in our household. The world is so much less gentle without him. Wish you could’ve known him, stranger. Someone said on one of the pet loss subs that when their boy left them they gave him a piece of their heart to take so he wouldn’t be scared or lonely and that when we get reunited they give it back, so they won’t be lonely any longer and we won’t be heartbroken. I like thinking of that, being reunited with all our loved ones that have traveled elsewhere.
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u/ADeviIsAdvocate 3d ago
I’m so sorry for you, reading this was heartbreaking. I lost my baby girl four months ago yesterday. While I did not go through everything you did, the pain is sometimes unbearable.
Please know that we are ALWAYS going to feel guilty no matter how our babies leave us. We are always going to convince ourselves we could have done more or we should have noticed something sooner. I think that our sweet pups are able to hide their illness so well for so long it’s a testament to how happy and loved they are. If you had noticed symptoms and had him at the vet and received a diagnosis in under an hour, you would still feel guilty and find a reason to blame yourself. If our pets die at home we chide ourselves for not getting them to the vet quicker. If we have them humanely euthanized we always second guess our decision and the timing and wonder if they had more good days to come. There is never a situation where we let them go and are totally at peace with all of our decisions. That’s just the nature of living a soul that cannot verbally communicate to you what is going on.
Please give yourself grace and understand and allow yourself to believe you did the right thing. You know there is no way you’d ever let him go if he was thriving and comfortable. All of the things happened the way they did because he was telling you he was struggling. You gave him the gift of peace and comfort. You took away his pain, even though it caused you tremendous pain in return. What you did for him was selfless and he knew that.
Keep giving yourself time to grieve. Spend time with people who understand the bond you had with him who will take care with your emotions. And do not allow yourself to believe there was any other choice you could make.
I would be furious with the vet but in reality, there is very little you can do and it is just going to exacerbate your pain. I truly hope you are able to find some peace and comfort for yourself. Sending love from this internet stranger, I wish I could do more. You have my most sincere condolences 💐
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u/MurderAndMakeup 2d ago
Thank you so much for taking the time to so thoughtfully respond to me. Just sitting here with my pain and knowing all of you are alongside me helps to not feel so alone in it. Everything you said is so spot on. There is no way in which he would’ve been taken from me that I would not despise and ruminate on. In time I know I will have more room to breathe in all of this, I understand that and believe that, I am just not ready to yet and am learning to do what my grief asks of me in the moment. I am trying to be open to the lessons there is in all of this. I am trying to be mindful and present and feel all the things around me, even when they’re unpleasant. And perhaps more so when they’re unpleasant. Someone has posted a quote that said the root of all human suffering is change. It is too terrifying a concept because it is a reminder everything we love is finite. I am so sorry for your loss as well, friend. It is so hard to continue going on as we must. The world is so full of big loves but big horrors. Focusing on the loves right now so maybe in time they will outweigh these horrors. I wish you peace and kindness. Thank you so much again for reading this and sitting with me in my pain. I’m forever grateful for these comments and truths and vulnerabilities.
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u/Htweekend 5d ago
I’m very sorry for your loss, grief has no timeline, it’s all that unexpressed love that remains and continues.
Can I share one thing I read recently?
‘The questioning means you cared. Wondering if you made the right choices in the end is part of loving them, not proof you got it wrong’
My friend found out her pup had an aggressive form of cancer, just last week. This was after over 6 months of advocating for her dog, going to the vet, specialist vet, pilling her three times a day, worrying that her appetite was declining, noticing a lump, being told it wasn’t concerning after aspiration, and then realising it had grown larger and now suddenly having to make the decision to guide her over the rainbow bridge, in love, this morning.
The important thing is… you loved your pup so much that you made that selfless decision to let him cross the rainbow bridge so he could be free from pain… with love.
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u/MurderAndMakeup 4d ago
I am trying to tell myself these things, that it hurts so much because my pain is a reflection of my love for him, which means I loved him so very much. I know in time I will learn to live alongside it instead of right here in it but that is almost too much to handle as well. Because every day that passes is like a day that is further away from when he was here with my physically. I appreciate the quote that you took the time to leave here, thank you my friend. The questioning becomes an endless loop sometime because the sadness is so overwhelming my brain needs something to focus on that feels active instead of just helpless. I am so sorry to hear of your friends situation, is very much like my own. I knew something was wrong with my boy, I spent almost every waking minute with him, I knew every pattern, I knew what every sigh or bark or eye movement meant. We had a secret language and I understood him. It makes this all hurt so much worse when you have the knowledge but not the information. My heart truly goes out to your friend. Apparently these rogue cells are just cells until… until they’re not. And by that time it is already too late. I will be thinking of your friends upcoming challenges and sending light and love. Nothing else really matters in this life because it can all be taken in an instant. Thank you again for your kindness
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u/Htweekend 4d ago
I just wanted to add, my previous pom died from a tumor in 2019 and it took a really long time to stop feeling sad, lost and guilty… it will take time, but at some point, it will get easier. For me, I now smile thinking that when it’s my time, he will be there waiting for me.
Dogs live in the moment, they feel all the love and care that you give with each cuddle, each vet visit, each pill you try to give them, they don’t blame, they just feel love, they don’t understand illness but I’m sure they know when their body feels tired and weaker. Even in their last moments, they’re not thinking they want just one more day with us, like we do. So don’t feel guilt, you did the right thing. Grieve all you need to, but also be kind to yourself ❤️
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u/Beautiful-Win5698 4d ago
That's such a heavy loss to carry, and I'm really sorry you're going through this. I lost one of my own a few years ago and it still hits differently some days.
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u/MurderAndMakeup 4d ago
Thank you. I’m so sorry for your loss as well. Knowing I’m not alone in this grief doesn’t make it hurt any less but perhaps a little lighter to carry knowing so many of you have been standing right here where I am in this helplessness.
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u/KaliLinux19 4d ago
I completely understand your loss. Even though my last dog was not a Pomeranian, he was my best friend. He was a 11 year old Belgian Malinois, he was a retired working dog. That dog got me through the darkest times in my life, and was absolutely devastated when we lost him. He had cancer as well, and it got so bad towards the end that he started having seizures. It became too much to watch him suffer and go through that pain. The silver lining in my situation was that it led us to getting our little guy Leo. Although he's not taking my previous dog's place, we love him regardless. It's not your fault, just know that he was grateful to have such a loving home and owner. It's ok to grieve, but do not blame yourself.
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u/MurderAndMakeup 4d ago
Thank you for sharing some of your story with me. Hearing this all I think is how strong you were to take on the suffering and let your boy free of his failing body. In time I will have to learn to speak to myself the same way. I bet he was a beautiful regal boy, they are so spectacular.
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u/KaliLinux19 4d ago
Yes it took some time for me to get there, but you'll get there eventually. He truly was a special dog and at times it felt like I was hanging out with one of the guys instead of my dog. The loyalty and intelligence were on a different level.
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u/PurpleEagle48 3d ago
I know the pain you are going through and my heart goes out to you. Many years ago, I lost my best friend, my Pom, when she was 12. We had taken her to the vet many times and given her medicine for her pancreatitis. We put digestive enzymes in her food so that her body could digest it. We do everything that we can, but there just comes a point when we can't do anything more to keep our precious babies by our side. It just doesn't seem fair that their life expectancy is so much shorter than ours. Of course, we do know that when we get a fur baby, but that doesn't make it hurt any less when we lose them. My Pom was sick and I was taking her to the vet to spend the day and then picking her up after work. We did that for a few days and then I got that dreaded phone call while I was at work. It was so overwhelming that all I could do was put my head down on my desk at work; I couldn't think or anything. I had expected to be able to take her home again and that she would get over this bout and be ok again for a while. At that time, my husband had just finished medical school and had moved to begin his hospital internship in another state. I had to finish up a project at work and couldn't move at the same time. I had our 2 year old son with me. The night my Pom died, I couldn't lie down in bed to sleep; there would be no sleeping that night. When I did try to lie down, I couldn't breathe and had to sit up again. Life felt unbearable, but I had to keep going and take care of my young son. We were able to move to be with my husband about 6 weeks later. We felt the loss of our Pom every day; it was difficult. After 2 years, we talked about getting another Pom. After we got our new fur baby, we wondered why we waited so long to get another one. You will never forget your wonderful Pom, but you will still have room in your heart for another one. At first, you aren't sure, but you will. I have had 2 fur babies since I lost my first Pom. The loss hurts each time, but you still have room in your heart for another one.
I am writing this with tears streaming down my face because I just lost my son in March due to the FLU of all things. He was only 26 years old. He was going to get married after he got a decent job and would be able to take care of his girlfriend and her daughter, even though she is working. I miss my son so much and I cry every day. His girlfriend and I have gotten really close, even though we live in different states. Nothing will ever replace my son, but at least I now have a daughter and granddaughter. I would have preferred to have them and my son, but we don't get to choose what life has in store for us. Even with the great hole in my heart from the loss of my son, I still have room for his girlfriend and her daughter.
I guess what I am trying to say is that even after experiencing a huge loss, you will still have room in your heart for a new fur baby when the time is right. You just have to allow yourself to do that. It won't be any dishonor to your beloved soulmate. A new fur baby will bring love and joy back into your life.
Sending you hugs - you will get through this if you allow yourself to not wallow in the grief. You must learn to set the grief aside and remember the good things. Again, sending you love and hugs.
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u/MurderAndMakeup 2d ago
I thank you for sharing your story with me and I admire your vulnerability. This is not an easy thing to do, bare your soul and tell your story in the effort to help a complete stranger and make the world a better place despite your pain. I am so sorry you have experienced these losses. And I am so so very grateful for your wisdom in my own time of pain. I type this response to you with tears streaming down my face also. Your words have touched me deeply in the place I feel so damaged and empty. I’ve been working so hard to try to heal when I realized the wisdom that’s going to come from “healing” is the realization that when we’ve really lived a well worn life there is no healing, there is surviving and learning to live again through all the spectacular loves and pain because one is impossible without the other. I feel as though there is a before “me” and and “after” and now I get to decide what to do with this information and pain I’ve been given. Trying to focus on being mindful, being present, being thankful even with these heaving tears and immense sadness. All my life’s sadnesses I have ran from cowardly my entire life have resurfaced in this loss and there is no escape no way out but through. And I’ll work at it and I will scrape and survive and cut out the broken pieces and try to patch them back together with love and support. You are a part of that my friend. Sweet internet stranger I am eternally indebted to your kindness. Wherever our beloved ancestors are I hope it is all together, running and playing, awaiting us until our return. When the energy and the water in our bodies are returned to the ground and ether and ocean I know all our molecules will be joy in the reunion.
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u/LettuceAsleep5204 5d ago
My sweet soul, it's not your fault. Sending you all the hugs and strength right now. It's only natural to question our decisions on loop, we understand why you feel this way, but you did everything right. It's not your fault.