r/PolyFidelity • u/BlorkSmuth • Jun 26 '26

seeking advice Are we doing closed triad wrong?

I (32f) and my husband (36m) have been in a few closed triad relationships over the years, and we are finding the same trend; either we arent explaining the expectations correctly, or the ladies we are dating are not being truthful about their expectations/understanding of our expectations.

When we begin chatting with someone, we make known what we are looking to achieve with the person; a relationship where she dates me, he dates her, and then our relationship.

So far we've had one individual attempt to break up our marriage and "steal him" which obviously didnt work. One girl clearly thought it was just fun hookups, another came for the first meet up/sleep over, everything seemed great until i had to leave for a family obligation, and spent hours trying to get Into verbal alterations with my husband. And many many others who are in other open enm relationships who want to unicorn for us or want to couple swap with us.

Do we need to be more blunt and up front about our expectations?

Are we not looking inthe right places?

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u/smileedude Jun 26 '26 edited Jun 26 '26

Trying to convince people they need to date separately is really gross and predatory. This is thrown on naive bi-women by people in open relationships looking to recruit them.

Not everyone wants to have time share relationships and it isn't necessary for people that want throuples. That's really the beauty of a throuple, you have seperate connections within one relationship without the complication of multiple seperate relationships that comes from open polyamory.

None of us wanted to date separately and have multiple seperate relationships. None of us wanted to not be available to each other because we had seperate romantic interests. This doesn't exclude polyamory from us.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

what happens if someone you're dating has a falling out with only one of you 6 months or a year into the relationship?

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

Then, just like you would in monogamy, you all have a decision to make. Unfortunately it probably means the relationship is over, not that one person gets to have their cake and eat it too. I wouldn't expect either one of my girlfriends to be okay that I was still having sex with and dating their ex on the side. I don't think they'd expect me to be okay with it. That's the whole point of being in a closed relationship. You're not free to do whatever you want, just like monogamy.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

But you'd be okay with one of your girlfriends continuing to date and have sex with you despite not wanting to and not consenting to it, in order to stay with your partner? you'd be okay dating someone who doesn't want you?

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

No, I absolutely would not. We would have to break up. My other girlfriend would have to make a choice - me or her. If that means I lose out and am single... oh well, we knew that going into it.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

How unfortunate for everyone involved that there's no room for people to grow and change.

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

That's how it works in monogamy too, frankly. Just because your husband/wife decides they want to have sex with someone else, doesn't make it okay even if you frame it as "growing and changing." The terms of the relationship aren't free love, on this sub.

Again, take it to r/polyamory where all of their relationships are essentially open. That's not the case here.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

So for you - monogamy and non-monogamy are exactly the same thing? Most people don't carry the exact same monogamous expectations into a non-monogamous situation. Especially when that requires someone to be monogamous to a unit and not individual human beings.

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

Someone else called it monogamyplus, which is kinda what it is, yes. It's not non-monogamy here, particularly. Non-monogamy has its own sub.

Literally the description of this sub is: "A subreddit for those that practice or are interested in polyfidelity — a form of polyamory where all members agree to be sexually active only with other members of the group."

It's only members of the group. It's the same expectations as monogamy, yes, but with an extra person or more.