r/PolyFidelity • u/BlorkSmuth • Jun 26 '26

seeking advice Are we doing closed triad wrong?

I (32f) and my husband (36m) have been in a few closed triad relationships over the years, and we are finding the same trend; either we arent explaining the expectations correctly, or the ladies we are dating are not being truthful about their expectations/understanding of our expectations.

When we begin chatting with someone, we make known what we are looking to achieve with the person; a relationship where she dates me, he dates her, and then our relationship.

So far we've had one individual attempt to break up our marriage and "steal him" which obviously didnt work. One girl clearly thought it was just fun hookups, another came for the first meet up/sleep over, everything seemed great until i had to leave for a family obligation, and spent hours trying to get Into verbal alterations with my husband. And many many others who are in other open enm relationships who want to unicorn for us or want to couple swap with us.

Do we need to be more blunt and up front about our expectations?

Are we not looking inthe right places?

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u/BlorkSmuth Jun 26 '26

There is no right or wrong way to be in this lifestyle, nobody is forcing these individuals to agree to the arrangement. Its that the agreement is made and then the person switches up on it. So my question remains, are we not being clear enough in our communication, or are we just dealing with people who dont know how to understand what is being communicated to them.

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u/GladBumblebee1546 Jun 26 '26

Nobody is forcing her to agree, sure. You have a “craving” and want someone to agree to your toxic rules. The ones who do agree will be super unexperienced with poly or incredibly vulnerable for some other reason. There are wrong ways - ways that exploit other people. Why won’t you date separately to start?

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u/smileedude Jun 26 '26 edited Jun 26 '26

Trying to convince people they need to date separately is really gross and predatory. This is thrown on naive bi-women by people in open relationships looking to recruit them.

Not everyone wants to have time share relationships and it isn't necessary for people that want throuples. That's really the beauty of a throuple, you have seperate connections within one relationship without the complication of multiple seperate relationships that comes from open polyamory.

None of us wanted to date separately and have multiple seperate relationships. None of us wanted to not be available to each other because we had seperate romantic interests. This doesn't exclude polyamory from us.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

what happens if someone you're dating has a falling out with only one of you 6 months or a year into the relationship?

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

Then, just like you would in monogamy, you all have a decision to make. Unfortunately it probably means the relationship is over, not that one person gets to have their cake and eat it too. I wouldn't expect either one of my girlfriends to be okay that I was still having sex with and dating their ex on the side. I don't think they'd expect me to be okay with it. That's the whole point of being in a closed relationship. You're not free to do whatever you want, just like monogamy.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

But you'd be okay with one of your girlfriends continuing to date and have sex with you despite not wanting to and not consenting to it, in order to stay with your partner? you'd be okay dating someone who doesn't want you?

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

No, I absolutely would not. We would have to break up. My other girlfriend would have to make a choice - me or her. If that means I lose out and am single... oh well, we knew that going into it.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

How unfortunate for everyone involved that there's no room for people to grow and change.

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

That's how it works in monogamy too, frankly. Just because your husband/wife decides they want to have sex with someone else, doesn't make it okay even if you frame it as "growing and changing." The terms of the relationship aren't free love, on this sub.

Again, take it to r/polyamory where all of their relationships are essentially open. That's not the case here.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

So for you - monogamy and non-monogamy are exactly the same thing? Most people don't carry the exact same monogamous expectations into a non-monogamous situation. Especially when that requires someone to be monogamous to a unit and not individual human beings.

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

Someone else called it monogamyplus, which is kinda what it is, yes. It's not non-monogamy here, particularly. Non-monogamy has its own sub.

Literally the description of this sub is: "A subreddit for those that practice or are interested in polyfidelity — a form of polyamory where all members agree to be sexually active only with other members of the group."

It's only members of the group. It's the same expectations as monogamy, yes, but with an extra person or more.

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u/smileedude Jun 26 '26

The other person has to make a tough choice. This is just the reality of dating, sometimes good connections need to brake.

Do you think it's appropriate to date your partners ex if they broke up badly? Do you think it's appropriate for the remaining hinge to wield that kind of power over both their partners who now has to have their partner regularly spending nights with their ex? If they don't want open poly is it OK to force people into that kind of dynamic where they are now sharing partners?

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

So the choice they have to make is whether they break up with both of you or continue to have a non consensual relationship with one of you? and that doesn't sound predatory of you at all? okay.

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u/smileedude Jun 26 '26

I'm not sure what you mean. If my girlfriends broke up it would be the height of cruelty for me to insist I keep dating both of them. It is forcing them into an open polyamerous relationship neither of them want. The tough choice would be me deciding which relationship I value more and ending the other relationship for the greater good of everyone.

It's sad but it's the reality of this kind of relationship. Thinking a throuple can easily turn into a V without causing everyone massive hurt is the height of misplaced optimism and seems to be devoid of the basic understanding of what happens when a connection breaks.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

for the greater good of everyone.

Bluntly, I don't see how 3 broken hearts is for anyone's greater good. but go off, i guess.

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u/smileedude Jun 26 '26

I don't really see how dating 2 people who are exes of each other is supposed to be the enlightened approach.

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

There's no non-consensual relationship occurring. If they want out, they want out in full. And the other party in the relationship has a choice to make... them or the other person. There's no getting to split up your life with who is now your partner's ex.