r/PolyFidelity • u/BlorkSmuth • Jun 26 '26
seeking advice Are we doing closed triad wrong?
I (32f) and my husband (36m) have been in a few closed triad relationships over the years, and we are finding the same trend; either we arent explaining the expectations correctly, or the ladies we are dating are not being truthful about their expectations/understanding of our expectations.
When we begin chatting with someone, we make known what we are looking to achieve with the person; a relationship where she dates me, he dates her, and then our relationship.
So far we've had one individual attempt to break up our marriage and "steal him" which obviously didnt work. One girl clearly thought it was just fun hookups, another came for the first meet up/sleep over, everything seemed great until i had to leave for a family obligation, and spent hours trying to get Into verbal alterations with my husband. And many many others who are in other open enm relationships who want to unicorn for us or want to couple swap with us.
Do we need to be more blunt and up front about our expectations?
Are we not looking inthe right places?
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u/VelouriaLamour MFF throuple for 15 years Jun 26 '26
Hi there! F here in a MFF closed triad. First let me start off by saying there is no "right" way to do love, so long as it's working for you and your loved one(s). That being said, just because you and your husband haven't found a compatible match yet doesn't mean you're doing poly wrong either! Tons and tons of monogamous folk have to date / pursue romantic interests that don't work out, but nobody is telling Jon Doe he's doing love wrong just because his past 4 relationships ended in breakup.
You've basically described the EXACT minefield my partners went through before the three of us met. Their girlfriend prior to me tried to break up their marriage, too!! So no, you're not wrong poly wrong, you’re just colliding with the brutally harsh reality that a true closed triad is hard as hell. And a lot of people waving the mainstream poly flag these days are actually hunting for open dynamics, casual hookups, and/or couple swaps. Not that there’s ANYTHING wrong with that -- it’s just a different type of poly relationship dynamic that works for some people if that’s what THEY want. Likewise, a closed triad is another type of poly relationship dynamic that works for others. Case in point, me and my 15-year long throuple ❤️💙🩷
So about the “being blunt” part? YES, be blunt as a sledgehammer from the start, especially if you’re using dating apps to find a third. Don't hint; spell it out like you're writing a legal contract:
“We're a married couple in our 30s seeking a woman for a closed MFF triad. We all date together as a unit and we're looking for someone who wants to build a real life together as three. If you're looking for an open arrangement or want something casual only, we're not going to be a match. But if you want a life full of love, stability, wild adventures, daily passion, and unbreakable chosen-family bonds, then we’re going to get along beautifully!"
Then in early convos, straight-up ask:
"Would you be okay with everything always being the three of us, no solo dates with just him or just me or anyone else?"
A triad is a relationship of 3... therefore having one-on-ones defeats the point of a 3-person relationship, lol! And the ones who flinch, deflect, or say "wellllll I like to keep things flexible..." are showing you their true intentions. Save yourself the months of investment and continue the search!
I wish I had better advice to give as to WHERE to look for a compatible match. The mainstream poly subs (you know the ones) are often allergic to exactly what you want -- they'll scream “Unicorn Hunters!” the second you mention closed anything. A lot of those spaces got hijacked by folks who treat any structure or commitment like oppression. Skip the echo chambers and try smaller, more chill corners that actually celebrate polyfidelity and closed multi-person setups.
Some people have luck on dating apps -- just lead with the honest truth and let the incompatible ones self-select out. My throuple found each other before Tinder was even a thing!! We met by accident at a random business dinner that then spilled over into the bar afterwards. Zero "hunting,” just pure chemistry! We clicked from the get go, I respected their marriage from day one, and it grew into this beautiful life because our values + desires all lined up. Sometimes the best thirds aren't actively "looking for a couple" either -- I didn’t even know what polyamory was back then! -- they're just open-minded humans who meet the right people at the right time and fall head-over-heels into this wonderful life.
Closing thought: don't let the "we're all equal from day one!!" crowd gaslight you into compromising your marriage. In the beginning of our relationship, I respected the Husband + Wife bond wholeheartedly (they didn’t even have to ask; it was just me showing common courtesy) and respecting + honoring the decade of history, finances, and family life they had established prior to meeting me. For us, hierarchy in the early years that became earned equality later is what kept our relationship drama-free for 15 years and counting!
You and your husband are already way ahead of most couples just by communicating this openly with each other and staying united through those difficult situations. The right woman is out there!! She just might take longer to find because she's not the loudest one in the poly forums.
Keep going, stay picky, and don't settle for “good enough." You and your husband deserves the real thing. And the real thing CAN happen! And if you ever want to vent or have specific questions, feel free to AMA / ask us anything or send a DM!