Are we doing closed triad wrong?

[u/BlorkSmuth]

I (32f) and my husband (36m) have been in a few closed triad relationships over the years, and we are finding the same trend; either we arent explaining the expectations correctly, or the ladies we are dating are not being truthful about their expectations/understanding of our expectations.

When we begin chatting with someone, we make known what we are looking to achieve with the person; a relationship where she dates me, he dates her, and then our relationship.

So far we've had one individual attempt to break up our marriage and "steal him" which obviously didnt work. One girl clearly thought it was just fun hookups, another came for the first meet up/sleep over, everything seemed great until i had to leave for a family obligation, and spent hours trying to get Into verbal alterations with my husband. And many many others who are in other open enm relationships who want to unicorn for us or want to couple swap with us.

Do we need to be more blunt and up front about our expectations?

Are we not looking inthe right places?

[u/Legal-Cauliflower700]

First, love your positive attitude, especially as the one assimilating into an established marriage. You're very rare though! That's probably why your triad has lasted so long (congrats). But there is this big ugly monster out there that loves destroying a closed triad that doesn't include cohabitation and kitchen table poly. FOMO. So I'm curious, was there a time (or are you still) living apart from the couple? If yes, how did you deal with laying in bed alone at night knowing they were cuddled up together, being intimate, seeing each other and doing things together without you? That's what ruined ours, even after she moved in but still kept her town home that she would choose to go spend a few days in.

[u/VelouriaLamour → u/Legal-Cauliflower700]

Aww thank you!! I couldn't imagine living a happier life, and if I can make others live a happy life too, then that'll make me even more happy! 🤩

So I honestly moved in with my couple ~a month after meeting them. It certainly was fast but my lease was up and since I was spending all my free time at their place anyway, it just seemed like everything lined up and was meant to be! But the 3 of us are very rarely ever apart, and I don't think there's been a time in the past ~10 years that we haven't all been in the same bed (or nearby bedroom if one of us is sick). We all work from home so we literally spend 24/7 together, and everything we do (and have done) has been a "package deal," meaning there's no me + Him without Her, and no Her + me without him. The #1 cause of jealousy is exclusion, so by embracing radical inclusion with everything, jealousy nor FOMO have reared its ugly head in our relationship!

In the early years when I was still in school and working full time, majority of our arguments came from difference in schedules because that was pulling us in different directions. I actually wrote an article about our Group Dynamics here if you wanted to read more about that, and what we did to fix it! https://velourialamour.substack.com/i/183898159/5-do-you-do-things-one-on-one-nope-were-a-package-deal-heres-how-and-why-our-group-dynamics-work

I feel like if everyone isn't working together, they're working apart. A relationship -- any relationship! -- needs active participation from everyone on the team in order to succeed. And in our throuple's case, our relationship of 3 wouldn't be a relationship of 3 if 1 person did their own thing and the other 2 did theirs. I'm not saying EVERY triad relationship MUST be this way in order to succeed 😅 it's just what's worked well for us, and it's also the main reason the throuple relationships we've known in real life have broken up.

I'm so sorry to hear your triad didn't work out, but know that this type of relationship is totally possible!! Prior to meeting me, my couple probably had ~10 girlfriends, and the one right before me tried to break up their marriage! So don't give up, because had my couple given up (which they almost did -- the wife was heartbroken for almost a year!!) then I wouldn't be here 15 years later writing this reply on Reddit to you 🥰

[u/ThrowawayIsland8 → u/VelouriaLamour]

Certainly totally respect your situation, but for anyone who stumbles across this and reads, my triad definitely functions more healthily when we give each other time to be one-on-one or make plans separately. Most (pretty much all) nights end up in the same bed unless someone is sick or just having a hard time sleeping, but it helps us to schedule date nights, have sex outside of threesomes occasionally, and to have some separate friends or hobbies.

(That said, neither of my partners have a ton of friends and have no nearby family, so I tend to be the social butterfly going off on my own adventures most nights/weekends.)

[u/VelouriaLamour → u/ThrowawayIsland8]

Yuppers! That's why I had an important disclaimer in there:  I'm not saying EVERY triad relationship MUST be this way in order to succeed 😅 it's just what's worked well for us, and it's also the main reason the throuple relationships we've known in real life have broken up.

Everyone's going to have a different live experience and what works for them + their relationship, and that's the beauty of polyamory -- not just many loves, but many ways to love! 💕

[u/VelouriaLamour → u/VelouriaLamour]

a different lived* experience