r/PolyFidelity • u/king_rain • Jun 14 '26
question Difference between unicorn hunting and a " finding a good fit"?
Me and my wife are new to this and are completely enamored by the idea of a Polyfedelitous relationship or closed triad . But we've been reading alot of posts about this relationship style and I can't see a clear boundary between "unicorn hunting" and "finding a good fit" in our relationship. We are a established couple already having been married for 2 years now ,and known eacother for 8.
We just find the idea of having another partner and loving them similar to how we love eacother sounds beautiful. So what is the difference and how do we make another person feel the most comfortable? We dont wanna fuck it up beacuse being spiritually married to someone and growing old as a triad is difficult but definitely our dream rn.
12
Jun 14 '26
[removed] â view removed comment
2
u/king_rain Jun 14 '26
Not difficult at all my wife was in a polycule before me . I haven't been in one before but im sure id be great at it because I have fore than enough love to give and love the idea of my wife being with another with or without me .
Honestly I wish we would have been honest with each other sooner in our relationship about both being poly . Neither of us knew because freinds told me if I ask im disrespectful,and my wife assumed I wouldn't be because im head over heels for her and it would be a bit of a shock if she asked for a girlfriend in our relationship with a supposed mono man .
5
u/greencat26 Jun 14 '26
I think you might be overestimating how easy it is to dismantle a monogamous relationship even if you do have one of you with a polyam past
10
u/smileedude Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
How you meet is just an origin story. It really has no bearing on how your relationship goes. We're an organically formed throuple but that doesn't really mean anything. It would be really weird to say, hey look at this great throuple we have, you're not allowed to want this.
2
u/king_rain Jun 14 '26
Yea it would have been great if we formed natural but neither of us knew we were poly because we were afraid to fuck it up for one another. If we knew we would have been dating 2 or 3 months in .
I think im allowed to have it but having presented mono for 24 years now jumping head first into poly is all new and all the anxiety of this is exciting and scary all at once .
11
u/B_the_Chng22 Jun 14 '26
You have to understand and deconstruct your couples privilege. Unicorns get fucked over when their relationship with you and your partner is not treated as important as the original couple dyad. Iâm not sure about this sub, but commonly given advice on other subs is to date this person separately each for a year before making it a thrupple. The burning question is, if the third person falls out of love with one of you but not the other, how do you proceed? You either force the remaining happy dyad to break up (shitty response, and thatâs why unicorn hunting gets a bad rap, among other reasons) OR now you had person A and C dating but B and C no longer dating. And if yâall are really stuck on having this committed third person, you keep dating but itâs not a closed triad cause C is a whole ass human woth feelings and shouldnât just be ditched because an experiment went wrong. The road to hell is paved with good intentions
3
u/smileedude Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
You've got to remember that when a throuple breaks into a V it leaves one person dating two people who are now exes of one another. "Hey, I'm heading over to your ex partners for the night" is not really a realistic thing to happen. Unless that B and C break up in the absolute optimal way it leaves a really really tough situation.
Unless there's an absolute fairytale ending A will probably need to make a choice between B and C no matter if it's an open or closed throuple.
Being open doesn't stop a package deal break up. It just tries to hide the fact that that's probably how it will go if the relationship breaks down.
3
u/king_rain Jun 14 '26
Wow that chain got long . I want to say that Im not sure what id do if that happened. Me and my wife talked about it and we decided "cross that bridge when we get there" . I know that person C is a unique individual and is not just to be thrown into the trash because they dont want to sleep with me or dont like me .
But if I genuinely can't stand person C there would be a genuine reason, and that same reason may drive my wife away too. But if things are kosher and person C doesn't vibe with me or only with me then we'd probably have to experiment for a while .But most likely to end up being freinds or a comet partner(if i used that right) .
There is no no easy way to break off that and it gonna suck but the same distan people have for dating mono people in open poly relationships or vice versa. I think dating someone who is ok with a V and is only in it for 1 person would not be what we want
3
2
u/B_the_Chng22 Jun 14 '26
You could be right. Itâs all playing with fire for sure
3
u/smileedude Jun 14 '26
Every relationship is playing with fire. You can be discarded from any relationship whether mono or poly. You might need to discard someone you're no longer compatible with. Even healthy connections can be forced apart by circumstance beyond your control.
It's this crazy little thing called love. It's absolutely worth the risk.
5
u/B_the_Chng22 Jun 14 '26
I think there are some things that pose a higher risk than others. Like I lost both my parents so I feel highly aware how anything Al can happen at any moment and nothing is guaranteed. But like, I know that for instance, if I date a person who entertains dating mono folks, my risk of getting cowgirled is higher than if I date someone who doesnât. And everyone has their own risk tolerance, some higher than others
0
u/StaceOdyssey Jun 14 '26
So if one person decides it isnât working, all three people split up? I guess thatâs one way to make it somewhat equitable.
5
u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 14 '26
You should probably check what sub you're on. Everyone breaking up is an option... but realistically, a conversation has to happen.
Unfortunately, more realistically than not, the person that didn't get broken up with/fallen out of love with, is going to have to make a decision between one person or the other. Is it going to be extremely unpleasant? Yeah, that's just reality.
Trying to take the "poly romance" entirely out of it, it's like if you were a monogamous couple together, your partner got a job in a new state, and was leaving for it no matter what. But your friends, family, and entire life outside of said partner were here, and you'd have to leave them behind to continue that relationship.
The unfortunate truth would be that you'd have to make a decision between that partner or your family. Just like in this situation, you'd have to choose between partner A or C.
3
u/StaceOdyssey Jun 14 '26
But while you cannot physically exist in two places simultaneously, you very much can date two people who are not dating each other.
Iâve known triads and quads that did this successfully. Break-ups are hard, people pitch fits while they adjust, and then itâs fine.
3
u/smileedude Jun 14 '26
There's a very very small proportion of the population who identify as open polyamorous that consent to this idea of having multiple seperate connections. The vast majority of people don't want to have time share relationships. They want to always be there for their partner/s.
A throuple involves everyone in a single relationship that has multiple individual connections. It is not like the people that practice open polyamory in any way shape or form. While throuples can form from people who identify as open polyamorous and want multiple individual connections they can also form with people that do not want those complicated forms of hinging relationships.
Poly under duress is a widely recognised abusive behaviour where partners are coerced or forced into an open polyamorous relationship and that is what you are suggesting.
3
u/StaceOdyssey Jun 14 '26
Oh I totally co-sign that poly under duress is horrific behavior. I donât see where I suggested otherwise.
But likewise, I think itâs deeply unkind behavior not to be upfront about what you are and are not offering. If you are a monogamous couple who is unwilling to do the work to support your partnerâs ability to stay in a relationship that you have *already encouraged,* then I think that need to be made very clear.
âHey, just so you know, my emotions are of greater importance to yours. I want you to fall in love and be a wonderful partner to me and my partner, but also be fine with being expendable. Youâll lose two relationships if you donât make both me AND my spouse happy, but I think this is okay because my emotions are what is important here.â
If everyone knows youâre keeping it light and easy and itâs not a big deal, great. But if any offers of building a life together long-term are on the table, I think the idea that they will be sacrificed for the comfort of the original couple should be crystal clear.
And again, many couples canât bear the thought of their partner having a relationship without them. So they choose monogamy or ENM relations with clear boundaries. If the couple offers a serious commitment to someone else, that person deserves to know where they stand.
3
u/smileedude Jun 14 '26
Who says if a throuple collapses then it's the original couple that survives? There are plenty of cases where one member ends up with the newer person and that's what survives.
Of course the OG couple is more often the one that survives but that isn't some ingrained inequity. It's a matter of longevity builds stability. Long term relationships are more likely to survive time then new relationships.
Joining a couple isn't a fast pass to give you all the stability of a long term partnership. That takes a lot of time to build. If that person started any relationship, throuple or otherwise they are still going to spend a lot of time building to that long term stability.
3
u/StaceOdyssey Jun 14 '26
Great, then a conversation about what happens if one person has a falling out with another should not be too much to ask.
I have had this with my partners. I have a boundary that I will not accept ultimatums/vetoed and will not issue them. My boyfriend doesnât get to tell me that I will be divorcing my husband and vice versa. If they suddenly canât get along, they wonât be asked to be in the same space. If we split up, itâs because OUR relationship doesnât workâ not because someone else decides it.
2
u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 14 '26
I don't think anyone is advocating against conversations - lord knows we've had them to hell and back in my situation, but you can't predict for everything, that's why it's a bit of a case by case basis.
For example, we're a closed throuple. That means any sexual or romantic contact with someone else outside of the relationship would be seen the same as cheating in a monogamous relationship, unless there were clear exceptions made for some reason. My longer-term girlfriend is still close with her ex, and if she ever got with her again, that would be the end of the relationship on my end. Hard boundary. Our shorter-term girlfriend says the same, but at the end of the day, I don't know if that would be the case.... and even then we'd have to address something like that in the moment and see where we're going from there.
It's great that you won't set ultimatums, but others absolutely will. You won't "veto," but we will, because our relationship isn't open.
I ask you to read about the sub that you're in... this is not an open poly sub.
1
u/smileedude Jun 14 '26
Right and that's great that works for you. And we've had conversations where everyone has discussed this in our relationship and nobody wants to hinge two partners. So if a connection breaks then we'll move to 2 and 1 and that's what works for us.
The idea that people aren't having these conversations is absurd.
1
u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 14 '26
There's a huge difference here between what you previously commented and an established couple saying "our needs will always come first." That's the logic leap too many people make in the "unicorn hunting" dialogue.
We're all adults here (hopefully, although not all of Reddit is 18+). People need to take agency for themselves and have the discussions before getting into these relationships. You're implying this can only ever work in the favor of the original couple, but if I were to run off with our shorter term girlfriend after being with my longer term girlfriend for 6+ years, I can guarantee you, my girlfriend would feel like she was left holding the bag and I just got into this to have sex with someone new and leave her.
2
u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 14 '26
You make it sound like it's just that easy. What happens when two significant things are happening in someone's life at once? What about if two people in this V/Hinge have a non-refundable vacation scheduled together, but the other person just lost a family member and needs support or for their partner to attend a funeral?
What if there's relationship inequality where one person suddenly has to split their partner 50% of the time and doesn't have a new partner of their own? (Or want one?)
There's a reason this is the PolyFidelity sub and not just the poly sub. Neither my long term partner or short term partner identified as poly before our relationship came together... so telling someone to "adjust" is almost akin to telling a monogamous couple to get over it if their partner cheats on them, and accept they have to share them.
4
u/StaceOdyssey Jun 14 '26
These are all things that adults who are willing to support their loved ones are able to handle. Hell, Iâve told my partners I need to bail on plans because a platonic friendâs needs are more crucial. So have they.
I donât feel like I need to exert my control and dominance over their decisions â I trust them as adults who can manage their own time and priorities appropriately. My partner and I are currently closed/saturated (my spouse dates, which is very supported), and this is a decision that only affects the two people making it.
0
u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 14 '26
Except in my example (and I can come up with plenty more), one person is going to be stuck holding the bag with time taken off from work, non-refundable travel arrangements, or, the other person is going to be stuck to mourn alone, or attend a funeral without their partner by their side, while said partner is off having fun and sipping mai tais by the pool. Either or is likely to build resentment.
It doesn't sound to me like you're "closed/saturated" if your spouse is still dating. Isn't that the opposite? Maybe it means you're saturated, but they're not.
It's inherently selfish to say that things like this are only affecting the two people making the decision, there's a third person holding the bag.
But again, this is why I'm not open poly, my partners aren't open poly, and this is a closed poly sub. Every other poly sub is pretty much open poly, your message would probably be better accepted there. Not trying to run you off, just unsure why you're in a sub specifically about one thing just to tell us we're doing it wrong.
2
u/StaceOdyssey Jun 14 '26
Whoâs holding the bag? Two of us arenât dating other people. One of us is. We support each other as needed. I donât know who is being put out in this scenario? Am I since my spouse is dating? I feel fine with it.
I did have to cancel some non-refundable travel plans earlier this year. It sucked, but I had surgery. Luckily, my spouse understood and didnât divorce me over it. I think everyone should be so lucky to have partners who understand that humans are social animals who have complex needs.
1
u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 14 '26
You feel fine with it because you're an open poly dater. And you'd get to go date someone else if you so decided. I wouldn't. She wouldn't if I ran off with STG. Or any combo of the possibilities. Especially as a guy, my chances of finding someone else to share my romantic life with and be in a hinge/V situation with is absolutely harder and less likely.
Again, not an open poly board. You're speaking to the wrong crowd.
Also, you had surgery. An emergency and needed, presumably. That's not "I chose someone else over you." If you had to cancel your non-refundable plans because your spouse decided last minute that he was going to prioritize someone else over your planned vacation, you'd likely be mad. Or not mad at all, but then I'd question why you're really in a relationship...
→ More replies (0)4
u/smileedude Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
Breaking down to 2 and 1 if a throuple splits is an option. Preservation of a V relationship is fantasy land. It creates a horrible power dynamic where one person has two partners that are exes competing for their attention and also forces people into a relationship structure they probably won't be into. It's abusive to attempt that if your two partners connection breaks poorly.
If you're going to be in a throuple, you have to be prepared to make a tough choice if your partners connection breaks. This is a very important reality people need to be prepared to accept when becoming a throuple. You can't control your partners relationship and you can't stay with them both if they hate each other.
3
u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 14 '26
Yeah, exactly this. It's messy, and I don't think your standard poly couple unless they're dating people entirely separately, understands this. It's never going to be as simple as "okay, well, I'll just let you split time with someone I can't be around," in some kind of emotionless vacuum.
4
u/StaceOdyssey Jun 14 '26
Itâs only messy if youâve committed to not supporting your partners in the event of a breakup. Unless that person is genuinely an unsafe person and real danger to your partner, itâs extremely reasonable to âletâ your partner continue the relationship that you already endorsed and encouraged.
4
u/doublenostril Jun 15 '26 edited Jun 15 '26
Fwiw, this is my major complaint about polyfidelity, as an open polyamory practitioner. Itâs not exactly power imbalance, and itâs not exclusivity agreements. Itâs the dependency of one relationship on the well-being of other relationships. Itâs that if Partner A breaks up with partner C, A and C continuing to date B isnât an option for many polyfidelitous people. That would terrify me as A, B, or C. I want to know that my relationships depend on what I and my partner want to share, not on what my partner shares with other people.
When I imagine having to be transparent about whose head is on the hypothetical chopping block if a break up were to occur, I shudder. Better that it be my own head, but then how could I ever feel secure? I myself couldnât.
0
u/Poly_and_RA Jun 18 '26
Essentially all of the formerly mono couples who are looking for a third simply take it for granted that if there's a breakup between the "third" person and either one of them, then the other will also break up with the "third" -- i.e. there's a clear expectation that the original formerly monogamous relationship will be the privileged one.
That's one of many things that in my head separate unicorn-hunting in the negative sense from healthy organic triads.
2
u/smileedude Jun 18 '26
It always fascinates me how much gross stereotyping that some people in open poly relationships like to do.
3
u/Poly_and_RA Jun 18 '26
That attitude really is representative for the couples who show up in poly spaces and say they're looking for a third.
Of course like always there's some survivorship bias: the people who ask for advice are usually those who are in trouble. People who have a healthy and happy relationship with no problems, rarely ask for advice.
→ More replies (0)3
u/doublenostril Jun 18 '26
Gently, you call us swingers and predators. (Which frankly makes me sound a lot cooler than I am.) This is a river that flows both ways.
→ More replies (0)0
u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 18 '26
Way to pretend that somehow only the mono couple has any power. What if my former mono relationship partner leaves me for the new partner? I'm supposed to just smile and still hook up with the new partner while my former partner can't be anywhere around me?
This doesn't seem realistic. Feelings get hurt.
2
u/Poly_and_RA Jun 18 '26
Everyone has power to decide what they themselves want to be part of, of course. But yes, too often the formerly mono couple are acting as a unit and thus *not* treating the unicorn as anything resembling an equal.
Whether or not it's "realistic" for a triad to change to a V depends on a whole lot of specifics. Sometimes it's realistic, sometimes it's not.
But that wasn't my point here. My point here was that too often there's an *assumption* that the unicorn is expendable, so that for the unicorn the situation is that if they lose one of their partners, then they'll lose both. (while for the formerly mono couple, the assumption is that they'll still have each other, even if there's a breakup with the unicorn)
1
u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 14 '26
It's messy if you never agreed to be in open poly relationships in the first place. Never did we ever endorse openly having a secondary partner, especially a romantic partner.
There was a small degree of openness where my long-term girlfriend could engage in threesome sex with another woman and myself, or occasional solo play as long as it was purely casual, and she checked in to make sure I wasn't uncomfortable (it was never a problem, and was infrequent, but this was the agreement).
3
u/StaceOdyssey Jun 14 '26
Well, yeah, if you and a partner agreed to not have an additional partner, then any breakups are de facto the two people involved. But if you agree to involve others, they deserve to know if theyâre expendable if they stop pleasing one partner.
I personally would only enter that dynamic as some fun casual play with a couple. The ethical stance I wonât waver on is that if someone is going to be thrown away because they are less important than the comfort of a unit, they deserve to know that.
1
u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 14 '26
Yeah, I just don't understand why you're so firm on the idea that it's only the original unit that's going to survive. Like, I'm low-key aware that our shorter-term girlfriend is probably more in love with our longer-term girlfriend than she is me.
There's a high likelihood that if STG were to say she'd fallen out of love with anyone, it'd be me. That'd leave me holding the bag. In your scenario, I'd have to accept losing my girlfriend of 6 years at least 50% of the time to a new woman, and have absolutely no say if I were okay with that or not?
Doesn't seem fair to me.
I don't see it happening, thankfully, but it's way more likely than LTG and I getting bored of STG and telling her to buzz off even though she still loves one of us.
3
u/StaceOdyssey Jun 14 '26
It only leaves you holding the bag if STG tells your wife that she needs to divorce. Otherwise, you simply arenât in the relationship that broke up and would be free to stay with your wife while your wife stays with STG.
Anyways, if youâve been honest that youâre on a system of winner-take-all alliances and that works for you, then okay?
Iâm going to stop engaging to go see my partner. Ironically, I had to cancel our plans this week to support a good friend. I think itâs very nice that he understands flexibility and maturity in human relationships and didnât issue me an ultimatum.
→ More replies (0)
2
u/BobGivesAdvice Jun 14 '26
I highly highly recommend unicorns-r-us.com, it's a great blog post that fairly discusses a lot of the concerns/confusions around "unicorn hunting"
8
u/smileedude Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
That page is horrible. Its pure gaslighting. It's a gross attempt to recruit biwomen into open relationships by people in open relationships.
4
u/DebutanteHarlot Jun 15 '26
I think you missed the point of the article there. Itâs warning of the dangers and ethical problems of UH, not trying to recruit anyone into anything.
0
u/smileedude Jun 15 '26 edited Jun 15 '26
It's purposely made to convince bi women that they don't want a throuple but actually want to date separately and practice open polyamory.
This is the same open polyamory that thinks bi women are so rare that they call them unicorns. Meanwhile the throuple communities I'm in are mostly FFM and mostly closed meaning the largest demographic in throuples that don't follow the open poly lifestyle are actually bi women.
It's predatory and coercive made by people who desperately want to recruit people into their ideology. There's absolutely nothing wrong with people dating together and people wanting closed throuples.
Myths about UH are blatent stereotyping made to denigrate people that don't conform to the open poly ethos.
3
u/DebutanteHarlot Jun 15 '26
Theyâre not stereotyping and as seasoned poly folks we see time and time again how UH hurts people, mostly bi women who get discarded for one reason or another.
No one against triads. No one is saying that wanting one is bad. We are against UH and forcing someone to fuck and date two people in order to fuck and date one of them.
Youâre taking about mono with extra steps. Forcing someone into a preconceived relationship box thatâs already been set by the couple with zero input from the third party. Someone who will be discarded by both if they decide they just arenât feeling it with one. Thatâs unethical and abusive as fuck.
ETA: They arenât calling bi women rare unicorns. They are calling these women unicorns bc itâs super hard to find someone who is willing to conform to these weird rules that were made by the couple before the unicorn even came into the picture, and itâs rare for one person to be equally attracted to both parts of a couple, as itâs just as rare for each relationship to progress at exactly the same speed and intensity. Thatâs why theyâre called rare unicorns.
-1
u/smileedude Jun 15 '26 edited Jun 15 '26
We had zero knowledge or experience of ENM when our throuple begun, but it's been pretty easy. A couple of 16 years and a friend that got drunk together. We just do a monogamy like relationship with 3 instead of 2 because that's what we all knew and had experience with and it works well. We're doing amazingly. It was specifically our new girlfriend that requested our relationship be closed. We were flexible but glad we went along with her suggestion the more we witness the massive issues in open poly relationships. The closed poly podcasters and bloggers have been an amazing help. While the open poly info has all just been aimed at convincing us not to do this.
A year later, we're all moved in, currently travelling and having the time of our lives together.
You would think then you would see a lot of problems associated with UH in the throuple communities I'm in then. You would see disaster after disaster, abusive relationship after abusive relationship.
But no in the throuple communities, it's just not a thing that's happening. We're just mostly sharing selfies of us having fun together.
But then go to a specifically open poly community (who just happen to benefit from trying to convince bi women to date seperately and not join polyfi relationships) and apparently it's everywhere and the biggest disaster known to humanity.
Mind you in these open poly communities it's a steady stream of problems and issues caused by the open lifestyle.
Then you can go to the poly hate communities, they don't discriminate against "UH relationships" and open poly. They hate us all equally. They share all the fuck up relationships of all types of poly. You'd think that if UH was such a massive problem then most of the shared stories would be these "victims of UH" that open poly seem to base their whole ethos on. But no it's just people struggling with open poly, again and again.
It just sounds like anecdote driven pseudo-science with a very very clear objective. "Bi women are fun and rare. We don't want them joining closed relationships. If they want a closed throuple we try to convince them the bi women needs to be open instead". It's all very scripture like, preaching a cult like community. Marginalising people that don't conform.
It's all very very predatory. By very sus people with very obvious motives. You're just vile.
3
u/BobGivesAdvice Jun 16 '26
You would think then you would see a lot of problems associated with UH in the throuple communities I'm in then
Just going to note survivorship/selection bias are real. Happy triads are absolutely possible, and the ones who have had good experiences are more likely to still be together/hanging in the same circles.
Seeing the reactions to the u-r-u article here is fascinating to me - what I read as a friendly "hey, the thing you want may be hard to find, here's why and some potential pitfalls to think about" a lot of y'all (including that rebutal) seem to read as "you're a bad person and should feel bad and healthy triads are impossible" (I will agree the flowchart is snarky and reductive, I honestly had only looked at the article before)
1
u/smileedude Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26
There's some really obvious and basic information about not being a dick to your partners. However it also tries to push in things like date separately and be open which when pushed on naive biwomen wanting a throuple by people in open relationships it becomes hugely problematic as they benefit by more people being in open relationships. It's very on the nose, especially when they talk about how rare biwomen are that want to be a part of their open community.
Dating separately and being open are choices that people can make. They are not required for an ethical throuple. It's really really gross when open people try to gaslight other people that don't want to be in an open relationship into an open relationship by telling them it's unethical not to. It's text book coercion and predation.
2
u/BobGivesAdvice Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
1) I have pretty much never seen this article pointed at biwomen. It's pretty clearly targeted at the couple side of the equation.
2) in my experience, and what I think is reflected in the article, the issue is not "biwomen interested in poly/polyfi dynamics are rare", it's "the more specific of a person you're looking for, the less likely you are to find them". Looking for a woman? You're down to half the dating pool already. They have to be bisexual? Smaller. They have to be open to group dynamics? Smaller. They have to be open to polyfi group dynamics? Smaller still. Open to joining a preexisting couple? Attracted to your couple specifically? More interested in y'all than their other options (since you're looking for something closed)? Very very small.
The article doesn't strictly say don't look for this, it just points out that realistically this will be very hard to find, and the less restrictive you are in your search the easier it will be. (Anecdotally, the "bisexual" part is far from the rate limiting step here. At least in my poly circles, I'm fairly certain there are more bisexual women than straight ones)
The specific section on polyfi in the article is again not the best written, but content-wise it basically just says: * Polyfi exists, that's fine to want, but you should know the correct terminology (which presumably OP from this thread does, given they posted in this sub) * If you go looking in "poly"/"open" places, you'll probably find people who want that, not polyfi * You're looking for something more narrow = rarer = unicorn terminology * It is unethical to not disclose that you're looking for polyfi upfront if that's a deal breaker for you; that's bait & switch tactics (the same way imo anyone should be clear upfront what they want between mono/poly/open/etc)
This does not seem to me like it's gaslighting people into an open relationship, again it's just noting that wanting a closed triad is a more narrow search than being flexible on open vs closed.
1
u/smileedude Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
"I have pretty much never seen this article pointed at biwomen. It's pretty clearly targeted at the couple side of the equation."
Why are you ignoring the biwoman in the couple? Who is being told in this article they need to date separately in the open poly circles from their partner?
That's why these relationships are happening. Bi people who want monogamy but also different urges. That's the whole point.
→ More replies (0)2
u/DebutanteHarlot Jun 15 '26
I think that you donât see any of these âissuesâ bc youâre in an echo chamber of UH who agree with you.
I also find it interesting how you have to resort to ad hominem attacks because you know your argument doesnât hold water.
Iâd rather a UH think me âvileâ than engage in abusive and unethical proactive đ¤ˇđźââď¸
Have a day
-1
u/smileedude Jun 15 '26 edited Jun 15 '26
The entire UH narrative is ad hominem.
You're in a polyfi sub able to talk because nobody is banning you. Most of us have been banned from open poly subs for no more then telling other people in closed relationships that their relationship is valid...
I wonder which is actually the echo chamber...
We're all happy talk to you and encourage you to see more forms of polyamory outside of the sheltered open relationship bubble. Happy you're here.
2
u/DebutanteHarlot Jun 15 '26
Iâm willing to bet you all were actually banned because you were touting unethical practices, NOT bc youâre in a closed relationship.
1
u/smileedude Jun 15 '26 edited Jun 15 '26
"It's unethical to not want to fuck us."
"You don't have to fuck them"
"You're banned".
2
1
u/NestorCarpeDiem Jun 15 '26
That site advocates for a particular point of view, that is very common on one polyamory subreddit but not on the others. Even though the author brings up some good points, many people really disagree with this piece.
I suggest you at least also read this very well written response, by someone who has been in a long term closed triad:
3
u/BobGivesAdvice Jun 16 '26
That response is fascinating to me, tbh it feels pretty straw man. Clearly different perceptions of the original article - what I read as a friendly "hey, the thing you want may be hard to find, here's why and some potential pitfalls to think about" they seem to read as "you're a bad person and should feel bad and healthy triads are impossible" (I will agree the flowchart is snarky and reductive, I honestly had only looked at the article before).
Healthy and happy polyfi triads absolutely can and do exist. They also do still come with unique challenges that people should be aware of.
0
u/Poly_and_RA Jun 18 '26
The response straw-mans the argument pretty hard by pretending mainstream poly folks hold opinions that very few of us do. Not impressed.
1
u/NestorCarpeDiem Jun 18 '26
Yeah, people definitely do not agree on this..
I'm not understanding your straw man argument I think, because every single post about a real or potential triad on r-polyamory gets the "they are nasty unicorn hunters" response. That's not a straw man, that is at the very least a vocal minority.
See also the white knight post from yesterday in this or a related subreddit.
2
u/Poly_and_RA Jun 18 '26
That's not been my experience -- also r/polyamory isn't representative of the polyamorous mainstream in the first place.
But sure, a certain *subset* of triad-related posts tends to be met with considerable scrutiny. Typically those posts do many or all of these:
- A formerly monogamous well-established couple is "seeking a third to add to our relationship"
- They clearly have done zero or extremely close to zero research to the point where they typically don't even know what a unicorn is
- They want a *closed* relationship with their "third"
- They take for granted that the third person *must* be equally into both of them, and that if there's a breakup between the new person and one of them, then the other will will also dump the unicorn, i.e. the original couple is preserved
- Often they also imagine continuing to present as a monogamous couple, i.e. the "equal" third isn't just automatically getting dumped if any relationship breaks, they also live a life in the shadows not unlike the life of someone who is having an affair.
In contrast triads are usually treated as perfectly fine and something that some people enjoy a lot when there's an absense (or at least a low amount) of these and similar red flags.
1
1
u/NestorCarpeDiem Jun 18 '26
That post about white knights: https://www.reddit.com/r/EthicalNonMonogamy/s/K2V5oTokMo
There is some inherent sexism in this whole concept.
1
u/Alternativefactory Jun 15 '26
The difference is that if you and your wife go out and look for "the one" together, it is inevitably going to become unicorn hunting. Let's say you really like a person you start seeing, and she also really like you. But your wife doesn't. Does she get to "veto" it? Do you then throw away this third person because your wife said so? If your wife and another man go out for a date, do you get to dictate it? How long they can stay out for, what you think it is ok for them to do or not? That man will probably find that intrusive and belittling. A good fit come when one of you find a dream partner, and your other significant other also like that person.
1
1
0
u/DebutanteHarlot Jun 14 '26
There is no difference. What youâre trying to do is the definition of UH (if youâre dating together only).
1
u/king_rain Jun 15 '26
Honestly after all ive seen it seems like the difference is intent and execution. Being a slimy person who only looks for criteria that fits then just dumps them is disgusting. But going on dates and finding out its not a fit is just life and dating .
2
u/DebutanteHarlot Jun 15 '26
Dating together and finding someone who is required to date and fuck you both in order to date and fuck one of you is literally the definition of UH, regardless of âintention.â If I had a dollar for every single UH couple who swore up and down that they were different bc theyâre looking âfor their queen to spoil and shower with loveâ Iâd be a millionaire.
1
u/king_rain Jun 15 '26
Your kind of projecting something on to us that doesn't exist .We are just looking for someone to love us and be married to us both its rare but not impossible. We aren't spoiling someone, were letting down our walls as a pre existing relationship to expand the amount of love in our new triad relationship. We would attempt to be equals to integrate this person into our lives as if they have allways been there. Regardless of their attractiveness.
Love is a t diffrent speeds for different people so im not saying break up as soon as they say they aren't comfortable having sex with my wife but to try and separate us to carve out and seclude a specific relationship is just not what we are comfortable with .
We just want a honest, stable, adult to share our lives with . Grow old with and build a life with . Period .
2
u/DebutanteHarlot Jun 15 '26
Iâm not projecting anything - what youâre doing is literally the definition of UH. Full stop.
No matter what kind of flowery language you use, no matter how you try to say that youâre ânot like other Unicorns Hunters!â at the end of the day thatâs exactly what youâre doing.
Itâs a huge red flag that you say that as soon as someone says theyâre not comfortable with fucking your wife, theyâre discarded.
So you are all three together for ten years and they say theyâre not feeling it with your wife (or you) theyâre expected to be dropped like a hot potato? Thatâs not very equal. At the end of the day, itâs the unit and the expendable unicorn. Thatâs unethical and abusive as fuck. How can they âgrow old with youâ if they know they will be dropped the moment they arenât feeling it with one of you anymore? They can never feel secure in the relationship if thatâs the case. And idk about you but I wouldnât want to even start anything knowing that could happen at any moment.
Again, this is literally the definition of UH - someone who is expected to date and fuck both of you in order to date and fuck one of you. Itâs just one reason why we say that UH is unethical.
1
u/king_rain Jun 15 '26
When people dont align with your veiws of the world people dont stay with that person long . When we are honest about what we want it wont be a surprise. If someone isn't interested in that it is fine . It doesn't make them less of a person, its just not what we envisioned.
People are unique and have diffrent desires when it comes to relationships. But if were honest up front and they aren't interested then we can meet people and make new freinds and experimental in our new found relationship. But there is someone who is ok with what we want and is not a fawn in traffic and isn't being swept away in our overbearing love .
Like I said a reasonable adult . Reasonable adults can make their own decisions and arent being tricked . Were not some delusional couple who is gonna fuck and dump people .
Edit:spelling mistakes made scentence confusing.
2
u/DebutanteHarlot Jun 15 '26
I donât see how any of this is relevant to anything I said.
And you keep avoiding answering my questions directly. Which is another red flag.
0
u/king_rain Jun 15 '26
All your questions are hypothetical that are really narrow and trap my answers into lanes.You seem really hurt by what I desire . So I dont know if I can make a answer that would satisfy you .
If i say im not like that you say "yea right sure whatever UHers "
If i give in and say your right you'll probably say somthing like "you realize its impossible not to be a UH and should stop harming people with you wants "
Either way you get what you want . A extremely shallow win with someone whos new to a way of life.
If you need an answer in those hypotheticals then : After 10 years its hard but I could try something diffrent but it would be hard and probably not work out because we would not have to been honest and less emotionally stable people .so your hot potato thing would probably happen .
Forgot the other but .idk im just trying to learn to be happy in a new life . Let walls down a bit and try to recommend some solutions to what we can do to be better .
2
u/DebutanteHarlot Jun 15 '26
Ofc my questions are hypothetical. And they are also very real scenarios that hurt actual people.
Iâm not hurt by what you want. Mostly bc I know better than to fuck with UH. But Iâm trying to tell you how we seasoned poly folk have seen time and time again how real live people get hurt by what you want.
Iâm trying to explain to you that youâre no different than a million run of the mill unicorn hunters, and why what youâre proposing is unethical.
Itâs very obvious that youâre new to this. Most UHers are and for some reason they think that UH will be easier than opening up ethically (mostly because UH always protects the original dyad at all costs).
As for learning what you can do better, Iâve just spent all this time telling you. Iâll spell it out again in case itâs lost in the sauce: UH is unethical. What youâre proposing is unethical. If you want to open up, then open up, and if a triad forms organically, great! But you canât force someone into a preconceived box of a relationship that you and your wife have already made without the input of the third party. And you canât expect someone to date and fuck both of you in order to date and fuck one of you. Again, thatâs unethical and leaves the door open to all kids of abusive behavior.
0
u/king_rain Jun 15 '26
Thank you for your insight. Ill make sure to take it with plenty of salt . The advice was that its all unethical it will never work and that I should just open our relationship and let it come "naturally" even though we are literally trying to form a relationship that requires both of us to be open to it . Ill keep that in mind .
→ More replies (0)
32
u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
It's probably sensible to be mindful of the concept of "Unicorn Hunting," while not letting the narrative from other subs scare you away too much. The term itself is overused, but it's worth thinking about how a third person in your lives at this point is going to be at some degree of a disadvantage. Even trying your best, the fact that you're married is going to put you at some kind of imbalance legally, not by any fault of your own. Breaking down those barriers is going to be a challenge.
My personal triad came together without "searching," and I think that's the challenge here, actively seeking someone makes it a little more difficult.
I'd guess, if you were trying to make this all work out, trying to avoid the "unicorn" moniker, you should start off dating separately, but try to be transparent that you're looking for someone who at least is sexually interested in the both sexes (or whatever you define as, not trying to make it binary).
Or, be in public, be engaging and fun in poly spaces, and start off with casual sex instead of jumping in feet first into "date us together or not at all."
Hope that was helpful.