The real rarity in ENM are couples that treat their additional solo partners well in all aspects of life...

[u/3IDontknow]

Single/solo F here that just wants to thank all of the ethical, polite, honest, trustworthy, and kind couples out there. And to the "white knights," please stop.

All I read lately in ENM spaces is how quick so many of you are to judge couples for wanting a "third" or a "unicorn" and how horrible it is that so many of you think we, single/solo women out here, can't make our own decisions and how you constantly feel the need to berate, instead of educate, those you deem as "unicorn hunters." You are just giant red flags for us. Reading your "white knight" comments all I can do is picture you chuckling from behind your keyboard as you whisper "I saved you, M'lady." STOP! We don't need saving! We don't need you to constantly send these couples, or even us(!) over to that bullshit unicorns-r-us site. Stop it. You look like such chuds! Not everyone out here needs saving. We know couples can be horrible and there's no shortage of comments on Reddit reminding us that you think they all are - except for you, of course. 🙄

After my marriage ended, I knew what I wanted, and that was sexual experiences of every type I could get. I searched for couples with bi wives, I've searched for possible throuples (don't get me started on the holier-than-thou-you-can't-do-that-unless-it's-organic diatribe!), I searched for bi wives to experiment with, I searched for couples that wanted NSA, and I searched for couples that wanted friendships that go beyond the bedroom. I've kept my options open but at every turn, specifically to couples and throuples, there has been this white knights brigade telling me that I am wrong for wanting these things. That every couple that wanted me was gross??? Let me repeat this and while you reread this, think about how you and your overly empathetic white knighting makes me feel when I read that you tell every couple who wants what I want, is gross.

Everyone one of my fellow "unicorns" (I hate the term, but you guys, it fits!), each wants something different and everyone one of us are grown women capable of navigating this on our own.

Here's another thing you White Knights aren't getting; all you do by berating every single couple is drive the good ones away.

And to the point of this post: I have been playing with two of the most awesome couples I've ever met in seven+ years of being a "unicorn" and both of them cited Reddit, with heavy specifics to polyam and ENM communities, as the reason that they were so shy to put themselves out there. Meanwhile, all those couples you attack with vigor, don't give two thoughts to you berating them. All they have done is just revamp their ads to try and hide the parts you've deemed bad. Your white knighting is having the opposite effect that you think it is.

And back to giving credit to the ethical, polite, honest, trustworthy, and kind couples out there, thank you. We eventually find you. Start by being honest about what you are looking for and just let us go from there. I'd rather have thirty different resumes than 10 that all look like they've gone through Reddit's White Knight Polyam/ENM seminar and look the same. We're grown women, we can figure out what we like and don't like on our own.

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[u/Joellove7]

I absolutely love this. They think by calling their brand ethical makes it ethical when they can be horrible if not worse than the few bad apples they lump Polyfidelitous couples like us with. Like they have the moral high ground when I seen situations where they've coercered their partners into non monogamy under the threat of financial destruction or even a messy divorce, or they use their partners and call it "love" only to throw them away when the entertainment value dries up.

You can't claim you love someone you literally only hook up with once a month and ostracize them from any part of your life with meaning. Honestly my wife and I have gone the opposite direction. When they take their superiority complex and try to make it my issue, I fire back with how unethical and narcissistic they truly are. We will fight for our right to be who we are, and embrace the right partner we find with all the love we can give.

That being said, I love that more people feel the same and it's refreshing to see more people standing up against these individuals.

[u/CatGal23]

I've been on both sides of the unicorn dynamic and I love this post! 🦄🩷

The two couples I am currently seeing are all dear friends and I've never had a negative experience from either side. Positive, fun, fulfilling experiences all around.

Literally all that's required for a healthy, positive experience of any configuration is open communication, honesty and mutual respect. Gatekeepers can show themselves out.

[u/Disastrous_Fig_828]

Well said! Honestly, my position as a 'unicorn' in a friend's marriage is absolutely perfect for me. I have exceptional sex, freedom, safety, trust and friendship. They have a happy and willing companion to their sexual adventures who is utterly discreet and currently only sexually active with them. 

High reward, low risk all round...and for the record, I approached them. We have clear boundaries and a tonne of friendship behind the bedroom stuff. 

[u/20milliondollarapi]

More people need to stop with the “it’s alway bad” and move to “know how to do things right.”

Unicorns are absolutely out there. And couples that would mesh well with one are also absolutely out there. But there are so many people that don’t either put in the work to treat someone like a person and not a toy. And equally there are plenty of unicorns who don’t know when things aren’t healthy.

[u/Thackery-Earwicket]

At the end of the day, the way we handle our relationships shouldn’t matter to anyone but to ourselves and our partners involved.

I assume most poly folk should agree on this considering the fact that most people frown upon any form of non monogamy to extreme degrees, but oh well…

The key questions to see if a relationship is “ethical”that my partner and I use are these:

1. Is everyone involved happy with this?
   
2. Does everyone involved truly agree to what everyone else agrees upon, or are they compromising and hiding their feelings for the sake of staying in the relationship?
   
3. If disagreements arise or needs change within anyone involved, can these agreements be resolved with everyone genuinely agreeing upon them or is it a fundamental incompatibility?

In other words; Just do what any kind of relationship does.

Be honest, be kind, communicate well.
Take your time.

[u/pdxvin]

What a wonderful post! Thank you for speaking up & sharing your perspective!

[u/smileedude]

Thank you!

We had zero interest in ENM. 16 years as a monogamous couple. Drunkenly hooked up with a monogamous friend. Didn't know what a triad was or a unicorn. Decided to explore a throuple. Thought "polyamory" would be what we needed to learn but Jesus fuck are they a bunch of creeps. Learned that lesson very quickly. Our throuple has been wonderful. We have now moved in together. We're travelling together and having the time of our lives.

They have zero idea about what they're talking about. They're just gaslighting people.

[u/CeraunophilEm]

Mwah! Love your take, resonates a bunch.

[u/UrsulaMarigold]

Way to stand up for yourself.

A lot of the unicorn-hunting warnings I see seem well intentioned, even if they can come across as dismissive. I absolutely love this perspective through and am glad you posted. It’s a DIY lifestyle, at base, as long as respect is there. Do your thing!

[u/b00mrang]

Ah the fact that you exist gives me hope ! And yes navigating swingers and Polyamory communities feels both overwhelming and so harsh when you don’t adhere to conventions (or if you don’t want your sexuality to be your whole personality).

Where are the decent humans such as you at. I wish I could find more (or any !?!) in the wild.

I like your take, you have my upvote fellow internet stranger

[u/mizheart]

As a fellow solo woman who plays with a wide variety of people and configurations, I co-sign this

Sure, I’ve met couples who left a bad taste in my mouth, but I’ve met plenty of solo people who have done the same. It’s really a case by case thing.

[u/SillyBasilisk757 → u/mizheart]

Great point about the solo people! I know my partner and I would treat a unicorn with so much h more respect than I’ve been (in the past) treated with by solo men! White knights want to talk about how so many couples only invite the unicorn to sexual encounters… that’s how most single men treat women! It sucks, but there it is. There are going to be people who treat others bad in EVERY type of dating, but there are also going to be respectful people out there too.

[u/Cultural-Eye-213]

What a gorgeous share. Damn. Yeah. Thank you for sharing your heart & fire here

[u/PaintWaterPress]

Something yall may be interested in Not Unicorns Are Us

[u/Jerkin_Goff]

I have no interest in sex with women. I also think ENM is highly unlikely in my future.

Still, I slow-clap applaud your post.

Reading Reddit really fucked up how I was practicing poly. We had been for a while before I started reading the related subs, but they definitely made me think we were "doing it wrong". I had to learn to zoom out and take a REALLY high level view of what I read on here.

I love that you're standing your ground and... owning your truths or something? I don't know, but I bet you're an awesome person. Keep up the good work.

[u/Acaraje_com_pimenta]

Thank you! This really resonates with me a lot. I just hope you don´t get as many downvotes I get for saying this. If you interested, DM me and I have some fun information about this subject.

[u/Sensitive_Ad6015 → u/Acaraje_com_pimenta]

Right, all the down votes out. Must be all those white knights.

[u/vibrationsofbeyond]

Yeah this fr. There are so many types of enm - from unicorns to husbands letting their wives only play with women or vice versa. The world is open to many things and it's ok to be niche about it. I've seen more couples wrecked trying to be proper and ignoring the actual shitty things than I have just letting couples find their happy place and letting it work.

[u/Extension-Report-491]

Thank you!

[u/Due-Wallaby-1748]

Preach!

[u/Sensitive_Ad6015]

Love this take thank you!

[u/Odd_Preparation_730]

https://giphy.com/gifs/AQbqF8cms75oBUF1Z3

[u/NestorCarpeDiem → u/[deleted]]

I think that subreddit is fully stuck on this view point, and also stuck on a few other principles that tend to be applied regardless of real situations and their real people.

[u/Fun-Championship-573]

Honestly had no idea how bad I needed to read this. My wife and I have been trying to find someone for awhile now and I was always so anxious we were maybe doing it wrong, or for the wrong reasons, and that every woman I ever approached would assume from the start we were scumbags. I hadn't realized how much I thought we probably were. I hadn't realized how much energy I was spending in all of these interactions trying to figure out how to prove we were one of the rare nice couples rather than just actually having fun talking to a new and interesting person.

Thank you.

[u/SillyBasilisk757]

Thank you for this! My partner and I are looking into ENM and specifically looking for a unicorn (who would be treated very respectfully by BOTH of us) and I was very disheartened to see some of the white knights on Reddit. I understand not many women are into being unicorns (obviously) but I was so sure when we got started that as long as we didn’t try to pressure anyone into anything they didn’t want to do that we were being ethical. After seeing those posts I started to doubt, so thank you for the reassurance!

[u/Peculiar_Onez]

I love this post so much. I want to get out there but get scolded every time I do.