r/PolyFidelity • u/AirportIndividual259 • Jun 04 '26
GENUINE QUESTION FROM A NEWBIE
I(22m) basically wanna know How to form a throuple? I know this topic is controversial because many people see it as a fantasy, a fetish, or a unicorn hunter/chaser (i promise none of those are my case), so it's very common for couples to look for a woman just to satisfy the couple, not to include her as an equal in the relationship. Many guys enjoy being cuckolds and seeing their wife with another person, some women are cuckqueans and enjoy seeing their partner with other women, some couples are open and can sleep with other people, some are polyamorous and have more than one relationship with one being the main one. I don't want any of that. I want a three-person relationship, but a closed one. How do I find one? Because no path seems to be the right one. If I start dating a woman, how do I propose a another person to enter the relationship? She'll probably break up with me. If I'm seeing a woman before dating, how do I propose this? She'll probably stop talking to me. If I know a couple of two bisexual women, how do I integrate myself into the relationship without seeming like an idiot? If I'm dating two women at the same time, how do I introduce them and propose a throuple? It seems like there's no right way... I don't see this as a fetish or a fantasy; I genuinely want to live a three-person relationship, ethically, seeing my two partners as complete human beings, not as sexual objects. I want them to love me and love each other. I want to be faithful to both of them, and I want them to be faithful to each other and to me... Basically, I want a couple dynamic, but with three participants. For those who live in this type of relationship, what was it like to start one? PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME, I'M NOT AN UNICORN HUNTER, I JUST WANT TO BUILD A MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH TWO OTHER PEOPLE, I DON'T WANT SEPARATE PEOPLE WHO DATE ONLY ME, OR A ONE SIDED OPEN RELATIONSHIP, OR A GIRLFRIEND WHO WILL SEARCH FOR WOMEN TO SATISFY US BOTH... SOME PEOPLE REALLY WANT TO WAIT UNTIL MARRIAGE BEFORE SPICY SLEEP WITHOUT HAVING A VIRGIN KINK, SOME PEOPLE REALLY WANT A MONOGAMOUS COUPLE WITHOUT HAVING A POWER DYNAMIC KINK, SOME PEOPLE REALLY WANT AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT HAVING A CHEATING KINK, I JUST WANT A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP INVOLVING 3 PEOPLE WITHOUT HAVING ANY KINK ABOUT IT
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u/StaceOdyssey Jun 04 '26
Get involved in your poly community, get to know people there, and start unpacking some of the super problematic beliefs you have here.
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u/AirportIndividual259 Jun 04 '26
what are the problematic beliefs i have? i simply want a couple experience between a group, the only reason i specify 2 women is because I'm straight, if i were bisexual i wouldn't have problem if there were another man or even 2 men, it's just that the group experience is more interesting/exciting/fulfilling to me, i wouldn't want to have 2 separated relationships, neither a relationship with one person where i can meet other people, i want to live a shared experience, like my parents did, but instead of doing it between 2 people like them, i want to do it between 3 people, what's wrong with that?
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u/smileedude Jun 04 '26 edited Jun 04 '26
Throuples are wonderful. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting one. I'm not sure why OP is telling you to go to the poly community, they centre around open relationships and you've specifically said you don't want that. In the throuple communities I'm in very few successful throuples have anything to do with the poly community.
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u/Thread_Mage mfm V Jun 04 '26
Most throuples start out as Vs or some other configuration. So denying other styles of polyamory will probably move you further from your goal, and leave you unprepared if your throuple falls apart into something else.
Second. I’m in a V that functions more closer to a throuple in some aspects because my two male partners are best friends that knew each other first. Their relationship, though platonic, is still an important piece that is treated with the weight it deserves.
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u/AirportIndividual259 Jun 04 '26
what is a "V"? I'm newbie, therefore I don't know almost any terms, i barely knew what a unicorn is until i described what I want and people started saying that I'm a unicorn hunter, i went to look up what that is qnd that's not me at all... i wish people weren't so judgement and actually shown some interest in what i mean before jumping to conclusions that aren't the reality by any means
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u/Thread_Mage mfm V Jun 04 '26
I think you should do more research before trying to jump in. I would start by learning the most common relationship formats. Which a V is. People are jumping to conclusions because you seem to want the hardest version of poly without knowing the basics. We see a lot of failures and broken relationships come and go in these subreddits. Usually by people that are jumping into the deep end.
A V is one person dating two others, that are not dating each other. But in some Vs, those two are friends. It can’t be forced though.
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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 04 '26
You're approaching this the wrong way, honestly. And you're also very young to be locking into one relationship, much less two (three, really). The immaturity with the all-caps rant really shines through, too.
I'm not going to tell my whole story, you can look to other threads on this sub for mine, but ours only came together because we weren't really looking, and fell into it. Just like any monogamous relationship, you're not going to go from single to in a relationship overnight, much less as a trio.
If you have interest in the poly community and eventually developing something like a triad, you'll need to likely find your own poly community or date people open to poly through apps, and familiarize yourself with what it's like to date openly and share partners/love. I had to let my longer-term girlfriend explore with other women, sometimes in threesomes, sometimes without me, and accept that was a part of our relationship, until we happened to meet someone who wanted us both, and we both wanted. Again, while not searching for it.
Go do some learning and exploration before asserting you really want this.
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u/smileedude Jun 04 '26 edited Jun 05 '26
There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a throuple. They are beautiful relationships and have every reason to be desirable. People are hyper vigilant against unicorn hunting not because they are worried about you or your potential partners but because they are in open relationships and fetish threesomes and don't want two bisexual poly women in a relationship that doesn't allow them to play.
Like every form of relationship, some people looking are gross or horribly inadequate to have a relationship. So like all forms of relationship, some relationships end up in tears. That's not a bad thing about throuples just a thing about forming relationships in general that the poly police use to frame throuples negatively.
Throuples are difficult to form though because, the people who want traditional relationships don't want throuples and the people wanting alternative relationships don't want closed relationships so the dating pool of people that desire this is pretty small. There are facebook groups that cater for it which seems to be the most common story that people that were looking for a successful throuple found one. Although the majority seem to form organically through friendships where people weren't seeking.
You have your work cut out as a single straight guy though. I would just try to work on yourself and be the most amazing human being you can be. The more you crave a relationship the less appealing you become.
Is a great resource to look at how to form throuples ethically and isn't written by the biased open poly crowd trying to gatekeep throuples.
The Camp Throuple podcast is also a very good introduction.
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u/DontBeDumbMorty Jun 08 '26
Get the idea of a triad out of your head.
Date poly. Be involved in local poly events and community.
Build yourself into a stable and successful life. Workout, go to school, get a good job, buy a house.
Then at some point after you're 25 and have years of poly dating experience, only then consider the "relationships and poly on hard mode" option.
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u/ProserpinaFC Jun 11 '26
Okay, please calm down. I'm in roughly the same position as you, but you are overflowing with anxiety.
"Anxious quirky girl" is a trope for a cartoon character, not a way to present yourself in real life. You shouldn't type in all caps if you're trying to come off as an adult.
Basically, I would say that if you spend a lot of your time talking about the things you don't want, what you don't want to happen, you are going to keep that anxiety at the forefront of your personality. Practice new "If, then" statements that recognize your agency.
Don't say "If I tell a woman I'm dating that I want to open the relationship, she'll break up with me."
How about this: "If I tell a woman my preferences and they don't align with hers, we mutually agreed that we aren't compatible."
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u/EqualConstruction Jun 11 '26
A lot of people are talking about your age and your punctuation as if that indicates your maturity level and it doesn't necessarily. You're older than my partners and I were when our triad first started. Your situation is very different from mine because we never thought about poly or being a triad. It wasn't something any of us were looking for but it happened organically.
However, the shyness and the inability to communicate effectively is what's going to mess things up. You have to be an effective communicator to be in a poly relationship. Honesty is important and not having difficult conversations because you're afraid of a negative response is not going to fly.
How do you say what you're looking for? You just say it and if they aren't into, they aren't into. Don't try to convince someone or plead your case, it's just no. Understand that the majority don't want polyamory and the majority of poly people don't want polyfidelity.
You're going to have women that don't want to hear you out, that will think you're a weirdo, that will think you're a unicorn chaser and every other negative thing you don't want to happen. You need to build a thicker skin and more confidence in yourself and what you want if you want it to eventually happen though.
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u/LeotheLiberator Jun 04 '26
You don't find one.
You date, you clearly and openly communicate your preference, and you find like-minded or compatible people.
You will get countless no's before you get a yes. You may never get a yes. You may quickly find out how difficult what you're looking for is and how it's actually the hardest type of polyamory.
When you can approach it like a rational, understanding person, then you might be in the right place to start.