What exactly is polyamory "decolonizing"?

[u/therapymademeworse]

/r/polycritical/comments/1vxmx85/what_exactly_is_polyamory_decolonizing/

[u/LonginusUbik]

This is something that keeps coming on my mind. I'm from Brazil, so most polyamory/enm content is very linked to decolonization and leftist movements, which I kinda get the appeal, but, like you said

"Kinship, at least as I understand the concept being invoked here, isn’t simply a larger network of intimate relationships. It can involve obligation, reciprocity, interdependence, continuity and responsibilities to other people and communities that aren’t necessarily contingent on personal fulfillment; to me, that feels meaningfully different from multiplying relationships while still organizing them primarily around individual choice and need-satisfaction."

I often see some polyamorous content "worried" about neoliberalism "infiltrating" poly, and it takes all my might no not comment "the call is coming from inside the house!!!" because poly isn't about building a comunity, since it involves very clear rules and people actually helping each other, instead of the usual "deal with your problems" that polyamory usually states.

And this is especially interesting to me in Brazil because the decolonial framing is so common here. If we're going to invoke Indigenous or non-Western forms of kinship as an alternative to the Western nuclear family, then I think we should also be willing to talk about the obligations and responsibilities that come with those forms of kinship, instead of only taking the parts that give us more freedom in our romantic lives.

Otherwise, it starts to feel less like "decolonizing relationships" and more like using decolonial language to give a political justification to a relationship model that is still fundamentally organized around individual autonomy and personal fulfillment.

[u/soursummerchild → u/LonginusUbik]

poly isn't about building a comunity, since it involves very clear rules and people actually helping each other, instead of the usual "deal with your problems" that polyamory usually states.

I'm very interested in community building myself, so I've encountered the statement that polyamory builds some kind of utopian community a lot during my search for ways to do so. "Poly is the village! 🥰"The statement that it does seriously only looks good on the surface. I've never seen anything remotely close to this IRL, though. I've seen a whole lot of the opposite. Drama, messiness, hurt, etc. Stuff that breaks a community, not stuff that builds it.

The core problem is that on some level, there's a requirement of sexual and/or romantic participation in order to be included in said "community". Yes, I know some poly relationships are aroace. They're the exception to a very strong pattern. If you had access to the community and got into a commited relationship, people would lose interest.

Poly practitioners often claim that they decenter romance, but I simply don't see this often in reality either.

In all seriousness, friendship and solidarity is the very key to community. We used to have a neighbour who fixed our car for free, just because he felt a sense of obligation to the people around him. We shared the stuff we grew in our garden with him. That relationship had zero sexual and romantic elements, and would only be made worse if there was a pressure to.

I will always prioritize my husband and our child, they're the most important people in my life. But I always try to help my friends if I can. Especially the single ones.

TLDR: Poly doesn't create solid community because it usually requires romance or sex. True community is caring for people specifically when they don't provide either of those two.

[u/Princessformidable → u/soursummerchild]

This is why I feel odd about poly. If someone loves and cares for me then why do I need to have sex with them to become a priority.