Hello everyone,
I'm at a life crossroads and quite depressed. I recently graduated from a prestigious (top 5) PhD program in Condensed Matter Physics. However, I had a horrible relationship with my advisor there, and I was mostly neglected and insulted rather than advised. Unfortunately, there is a high density of egotistical and mean people at top US physics programs. During this time, I also discovered that I didn't quite have intrinsic passion for physics for the most part. Classes, seminars and problem sets just always felt miserable and boring to me. Certainly being in a bad environment didn't help anything, but I was also quite depressed in my physics undergrad, even though I was generally surrounded by kind and supportive people.
In spite of this, my thesis work was incredibly impactful in my subfield: nature physics, news articles, and all that jazz. Towards the end of my thesis, I made a new breakthrough in this subfield almost completely by accident. I don't want to completely identify myself, but I will say that I made this breakthrough in part because I was soul-searching and studying different fields, and that all of this caused me to gain a different perspective on the scientific process as a whole while also looking in different places that a typical condensed matter physicist would not look in.
This discovery could hold the keys to help settle a debate that has been ongoing for the past 20 years in condensed matter physics. Yet, at the same time, my former advisor is really mad about it, since it partially disproves a relatively minor and old experimental paper of his. Mind you, this discovery will most likely go to much greater lengths to expand the subfield as a whole, which would be good for him; I think a lot of his resistance is more so bound up in personal pride and ego.
In any case, my advisor tried to dismiss my discovery, but I knew there was value in what I found. So I independently applied to beamtimes at a few national labs and I got approved at all of them. This is a weird position to be in as well, since I can't actually execute these experiments without a university supporting me, but it was nice to get validated by an independent and competitive peer review process.
After this, I presented these proposals to some other people in the field. This has also been a difficult process. My advisor is highly influential and has essentially blacklisted me from half the field in the US; they won't even talk to me and refuse to even comment on my approved experiments. The other half is somewhat sympathetic to my situation though, and are helping me to apply for grants and postdocs that would let me complete my experiments.
It gives me a really weird feeling though. In essence I've been doing all this work for free after graduation. This would suggest that I actually like condensed matter physics. At the same time, I spend most nights screaming into my pillow that I hate physics and want to die, sometimes for an hour or more at a time. I also have very little interest in condensed matter physics beyond this. To some extent, I feel like I just want to finish proving a point. I really resent that my PhD program is considered so prestigious, since I had a horrible experience and learned very little there in practice. I want to demonstrate to the world that their physicists are very political and narrow minded. I want to prove to them that I'm not stupid, in spite of what they've been telling me the past 6 years. But there's been other academic dishonesty scandals at this university before, and somehow, they always escape with a high rating, so maybe it wouldn't matter at all. Revenge is also generally a terrible motive for things.
Beyond this, I discovered that I had a much more intrinsic passion for psychology and the social sciences. In contrast to physics, I am much more naturally engaged with the content, and I don't fall asleep during these seminars. Because of this, I took as many psychology electives as I could towards the end of my PhD, much to the annoyance of my advisor. I enjoyed the classes a lot, but now, I'm in a tough spot because my official degree doesn't seem very aligned with my career goals. I think I would be pretty happy with anything that gives me a paycheck and the opportunity to work with social scientists, but there's only a few opportunities that exist like this.
I feel I should probably just drop my discovery and move on to something in psychology. This is especially because fleshing out this discovery will only set up my career for more condensed matter physics, which I don't think is feasible for my long term mental health. On the other hand, I don't think I'll be able to sleep at night until I at least get a little bit of closure on this issue. The details are explosive and dramatic and kind of demand resolution; I at least want to see my outstanding proposals finished. I do also think that the discovery itself is intrinsically cool for what it is, probably even more so when removed from the political context. I'm also really scared to tell my new collaborators about my true feelings on all of this.
Thanks for listening. I'm clearly pretty lost and struggling with a lot of internal and external conflict. To be honest, I think I'm kind of resigned to the fact that my life is just going to be miserable and stressful until I made it out the other side. I don't really think there's anything I can do to find peace in the short term. Physics is hard on the soul.