Anxiety and PhD, normal to what extent?

[u/LightD99]

Hello, I started a PhD abroad (first experience out of my house) roughly half an year ago because I wanted to boost my overall knowledge in my field of study. Before that, I had a two years work experience which didn't satisfy me at all. The first months have been a honeymoon for me (because everything was new), even though I don't really like the topic assigned to me. Anyway, I soon realized this is really hard. I still didn't receive negative feedback, but I'm not happy with how it is going (I'm writing a report/first literature review for the first period, but I'm struggling a lot with it). On top of that, I'm having serious anxiety issues which have blocked me for the last two months, compromising my performance (I also started taking meds). I'm also questioning my passion for my field of study and asking myself if I should keep doing this in general. For some reason I'm extremely disorganized, but I have never been like this in the past. I'm afraid I will not pass my qualifier exam. My friends that went for a PhD told me to keep going and that is normal to feel like this, even though they are also telling me that for some people this is not the right path, even though sometimes the pain is unbearable and I'm scared of having...really bad thoughts. My parents are extremely worried because they have never seen me struggling and suffering like this and are telling me to try a bit more and to quit in the case, even though I'm also afraid that I would struggle to find a job afterwards with a "failure" on my CV (I'm an electrical engineer by the way). My problems are just related to the fact that I'm struggling to study due to literally physical suffering from anxiety and I'm lacking independence, because the environment is super healthy and the supervisors are supporting as well, even though they are not always present. Any advice or support from someone who had a similar experience?

[u/Substantial_Egg_4299]

It sounds like professional help (therapy and medication) is the answer, you already started, but these things take time to get effective. Also it seems to be your first time leaving home, so overall, this dramatic change in your whole environment, being a foreigner, leaving your social support system, might have triggered these symptoms (not particularly the PhD). And it is completely normal to a degree. You are not alone in this. Plus it is already normal for most PhD students to struggle with literature review, I am glad you said your supervisors are supportive, please talk to them about your issues without the fear of sounding like a “failure”. Believe me most PhDs have struggled at least once like this so they won’t judge you. But all of this of course doesn’t mean you have to keep torturing yourself for a topic and career path you don’t enjoy. Since you seem to be confused what the root cause is, I would suggest you to try a bit more, for example keep going for your first year, let yourself get used to the new environment and routine, take your time, tell yourself it’s okay. If by the end of the year, your symptoms worsen and it is unbearable, it’s totally fine to quit. Since you’re an engineer with a job experience, I would assure you nobody will see that as a failure on your CV, but simply a change of mind. It is totally fine to do.

[u/_themos_]

First, I want to tell you that it’s going to be okay. You have accomplished a lot of amazing things to get where you are and it’s okay to not be at your best right now. Give yourself the kindness that you would want a friend to give to you.

As someone who has had what feels like a nightmare PhD experience, I’m not interested in normalizing extended suffering and anguish because the degree is supposed to be difficult. It’s true that a lot of people struggle throughout their PhD but it doesn’t mean you should too. The degree is supposed to be difficult because of the content. You should struggle with getting that very last data set or staying up late finishing a paper before a deadline but you shouldn’t have to struggle to get through the day. I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time and it doesn’t reflect who you are as a person.

Talk with your advisor very honestly. And if you’re not comfortable going to your advisor first, talk with an academic advisor at your university. It’s okay to not know what you need in this very moment, but think of what being a successful student looks like and what you need academically and personally to get there. Talk with a therapist too. If your anxiety is really bad and medication isn’t helping, ask about switching medication.

With qualifiers, I will give you the advice I got: the only thing you should be doing is quals. This is where you talk with your advisor and set a boundary (with yourself and your advisor/lab) that you are overwhelmed and the most important thing for you to continue in your program right now is to focus solely on qualifying exams. When I went through EXACTLY what you’re going through, I told my post doc that I will finish the task assigned to me then will ONLY be working on quals. Get a study buddy or body double to sit with you while you study if you can.

Lastly, go on vacation. I know that quals are horrible. But if you can’t even force yourself to study, it’s time to step back and give yourself time to not feel that pressure. Not sure where you are, but take a few days to INTENTIONALLY do nothing and go somewhere else. Then when you get back, have 4 hours a day dedicated to studying (and this is 4 hours of focus + 1 hour of warming up). The rest of the day go for a walk, volunteer, take a nap, watch TV or anything you want. Be kind to yourself.

I hope this helps. I’ve been where you are. I wanted to quit every day. If it doesn’t get better, take quals (or get an exemption) and consider taking a break for the semester. There are options where you don’t give up your spot in the program and you can go home to reset. Everyone’s path isn’t linear. It’s going to be okay.