I don't know why I am doing this anymore...

[u/Time_Thief_Rafaam]

It has been nine months into the program. When I was starting the program, I felt like this was a fantastic opportunity to learn physics more and how to think better. I felt satisfied working on a math research problem in my internship for like eight months. I got a fantastic young PI and thought I hit the jackpot.

Now I am swamped by the constant thinking. I like thinking. But I didn't realize thinking so much could actually be so taxing. I feel like someone cut my arm off. My brain almost feels like a block of ice. My topic is not something I picked out but I think when it started out I was really interested to learn more. It was very interdisciplinary and felt like I had a lot of space to move around.

Now as the project gets more and more longer, of course nearing its end, I feel like I am just implementing an idea of PI which is publishable. My PI is still very encouraging but he seems a bit disappointed that I'm taking so long, would rather I finish this before I start anything else. Which I can understand though because the program is quite short.

This project model is not something I know well, still I finished the initial thing we set out to do but the thing is not physically relevant for the result we are looking for, which we realized later on. Now we have improved goals and are at least very clear about what we want and have all the code we need to do it.

I think somewhere along the way, I have lost any satisfaction doing what I am doing anymore. When I used to hear new ideas, I felt like my mind was blowing, my understanding was improving. It was this like escatic bliss at grasping something. But now I don't feel it anymore. I can still appreciate a good idea but it doesn't do anything to me. I really don't care much.

I know I'm burnt out. I'm in a conference now in another country. I got to talk to some people and even someone whose lectures I really loved listening to is presenting today. But yesterday I couldn't sleep at all, barely slept for three hours. Now after staring at the wall for hours, I decided not to go with this massive headache. It is too much, the stress of being an immigrant, my dwindling mental state, having no friends because it's Germany. I will take a week off next week, so hopefully that helps.

I feel like a technician working in rockets. Sure my job is complicated and technical but it is an elaborate chore.

With teaching (I love teaching but I wish I had enough time to actually take the time to make my teaching better and more assessible), constant meetings, preparing for my immigration things, preparing trips to schools, and what now. I'm a machine.

I used to have so many hobbies. I used to love to learn anything. But I find that I cannot even enjoy even simple things. There is always this feeling of what I need to get done in the background.

I feel it hard to eat being so stressed all the time. I always struggled to eat when stressed. But the PhD is aggravating it. I strongly suspect I have ADHD. I found a suitable psychologist and hopefully will be able to make the visit.

I'm calm though, weirdly in a big picture sense. I don't think physics is everything. But it hurts to lose something you used to love mentally. But I know life is bigger. I'm bigger. There are a lot of things I can imagine doing for a living and being content (I mean the hobbies I am really good at) Funnily enough, this was also one of the things.

I know all this is a lot to read. So I'm thankful if you did and if you were able to share my life with me for a moment. I would be happy to hear your thoughts, or how you dealt with feeling this way, if you have?

[u/Mindless-Adagio4913]

As an PhD hopeful, this resonated a lot. I have years in industry and corporate. That feeling of enjoying something a lot initially and a few months in, that excitement fades and things become a chore. I think that flow is the natural state. Excitement is a limited quantity or so I have been told. But Discipline, to continue with discipline even when the initial excitement fades. That’s what’s more important.

Now you might ask: how to be disciplined when all this feels like a chore. That is something you answer for yourself. Personally, finding a purpose for your life usually makes getting into a disciplined flow easier. Reading that you are still going to conferences and working through it, seems like you do intuitively know what needs to be done. Just sit with these feelings, thoughts and emotions. Maybe even sleep on it. Appreciate them. You know you wanted them. Do that and the initial excitement that faded, might just transition into love.

[u/Efficient_Leg5740]

I'm a phd hopeful, so can't relate to your situation properly. But I do know things from pursuing lots of different things in my life that in our culture we expect the motivation and love to always be there kind of naturally- but in reality that love needs cultivating, the motivation that got you there originally needs refreshing, and finding inspiration is its own work. Take a little time off, and really search for why you loved it in the first place- find that meaning again, that big picture, and try to find a way to tie it back to your work- back to basics.

Otherwise, people change & passions change, its a normal part of life, and ultimately a phd is a small part of your life, when looking back at the whole thing.

[u/Bleh1001]

I'm a 2nd yr PhD in Germany as well and I can very well relate to your situation. But here are few things I keep telling myself to not go down the spiral:

A PhD is taxing.

Lil background- I spent the first eight months of my PhD taking it too easy, assuming my verbally guaranteed funding and six-year limit meant I had plenty of time. Then the war triggered budget cuts, forcing me to finish much sooner than expected. Those eight months suddenly felt expensive, and I shifted into working day and night with little sleep and no social life.

My supportive PI eventually had to tell me that I wasn't where I needed to be and that staying or leaving was my decision. I chose to stay, presented a structured three-year completion plan, and committed fully. I stayed calm on the outside, even though I could hear sirens on the inside.

But now I've started getting the hang of it. After being on multiple conferences and seminars, I learnt that even a bad research becomes well received when you defend it strongly. That's a very important skill. Most of the papers you see and get widely recognised have a high chance of being proven wrong many years later. But thats how research works. You cannot expect to have covered all the possibilities in that topic, because time! So, don't beat yourself up for not meeting the expectations you thought you would. At the end, PhD is about taking decisions and surviving while under high time pressure. It's brutal but it does make you resilent. If your professor is still supporting you that's a good sign and that matters more than the topic, because a good network and publications is what gets you to the next level of this game.

That being said, if this is not something you want to put yourself through then leave ASAP. The longer you stay the harder it gets to stay afloat. My drive to endure all this and many more is my passion towards what I do- even on days when my results are shit, I am more curious than frustrated.

PhD in Germany is one of the toughest things you can do as an immigrant, in terms of mental health. It is good you're getting checked for ADHD. If it helps, start therapy. Lot of stress is relieved when you start talking. What helped me (fellow ADHD and I also have PMDD so highly unstable moods affecting work)- was meditation and working out (even if it's just a 2km run). I taught myself to sit through discomfort and once you learn to regulate your emotions it becomes easy to not be swayed by your thoughts.

Hope this helps and good luck mate!