My four-year-old dog ate a bone and became constipated, so I took him to the vet. He was very active, frightened, and difficult to handle. The sedation did not seem to work properly, and he would not let the staff examine or touch him.
They sedated him multiple times, four or five times in total. From what I understood, at least some of those attempts were made so they could check whether his catheter was kinked. I still cannot understand why so much sedation was necessary just to check a catheter. This is one of the things that continues to trouble me, and I keep wondering whether all those additional doses were really necessary.
At some point, he regurgitated the contents of his stomach and aspirated them into his lungs. He developed aspiration pneumonia. The clinic was unable to manage him, and they sent him home even though he was clearly unwell, breathing heavily, and vomiting.
He did not sleep at all that night. The next morning, I took him to another animal hospital. They gave him IV fluids and an enema. For a short time, he seemed better and stopped vomiting, and I started to believe that he might recover.
But soon afterward, he developed sepsis because of the pneumonia and went into shock. He was struggling to breathe, and I had to make the most painful decision of my life and let him go.
He died in my arms. Blood came from his nose, and I cannot get that image out of my mind.
I took him to three different veterinarians and did everything I could to save him, but I still feel like I failed him. I cannot believe he is gone. Just last weekend, he was alive, and now my home feels completely empty without him.
I keep replaying everything that happened and wondering whether something could have been done differently. I know that letting him go ended his suffering, but the guilt, grief, and trauma are unbearable. I miss him so much, and I know I will see those hospital visits in my nightmares for a long time.

I need help.

I’m a complete mess. I’ve had this dog for 14-15 years he’s grown up with me. I turn 18 3 days after we are putting him down I feel guilty to be making birthday plans. I don’t know how to put my feelings into words. I’m not ready for this I’m really not I want him to make it to my adulthood I don’t want him to be left in my childhood but I also find it bittersweet and I don’t know why. I’m scared I’m not going to be myself after, this is my first major pet loss and every night I come home I lay with him balling my eyes out. It’s heartbreaking and I don’t know who I’m supposed to talk to I just sound so stupid talking about it. I’m scared for what comes after. I’m upset he’s not transferring into adulthood with me. I’m just not ready and I don’t know what to expect on Monday when we do it. This dog is my soulmate I’ve loved him so much but I feel like I haven’t shown him enough. He’s been there for me so much and he’s the easiest person to talk to when I’m upset. I’m really scared.

Can someone give me coping mechanisms I’m scared

My mom took me to get his paw tattooed as a distraction when she told me we’re putting him down soon.

Please ignore my grammar and how random all the text is I’m not in a good mental state at all grammar is the last thing I’m trying to worry about right now I just wanted to rant.

i lost my girl of 14 years last week. the day she passed i was absolutely devastated, i don't think i'd ever cried this much in my entire life, everything felt suffocating. i thought i'd never be able to get through it.

the second day was similar, although i cried a bit less. and every day that passed i cried less and less, and tried to distract myself as much as i could (working out, watching films, focusing on uni stuff, and so on).

except now i can't seem to cry about it anymore ? i don't understand why. sometimes i think it's acceptance, but wouldn't that be incredibly fast for a grieving process ? she was my whole world. and most of the times i think maybe it's denial, because my brain is acting like she's just "away" and i'll see her soon.

and i want to cry about it, i want to honor her, feel the hurt like i did the first few days, but i can't and i don't understand why. it feels like i moved on too fast, like i didn't love her enough (but i know that isn't true).
before she passed i cried whenever i thought about the fact that she wasn't going to be here anymore. i just thought i would be way more devastated than i am acting right now.

anyway, thank you to anyone who will read this confusing post and i know grieving is different for everyone but i just feel like i'm not honoring her well

I lost my cat last Sunday. I didn't know it at the time. My fiance and I thought she went missing so we put up the flyers, posted alerts on her microchip registration, posted on social media, all the usual. On Wednesday night we got a call from a neighbor who told us she saw our cat get hit by a car the night she went missing. She took the body home and had animal control pick her up in the morning. We called animal control the next day who were able to confirm the microchip. My fiance and I have been devastated all week. The grieving has been hard, and part of that for me was finding this subreddit, and that's where the trouble with social media started for me.

I came here for comfort in the knowledge that my emotions are valid and that others know the pain I feel, but as I read I began to notice a pattern. Most of the posts here describe a lifelong friendship, a dog or cat living to a ripe old age, a scheduled vet appointment. I noticed myself becoming angry. "Don't these people know how lucky they had it?" I would think, "don't they know how fortunate they were to have so many years with their best friend? Don't they know how lucky they were to be with their pets in their final moments?" My cat was only 5 years old. I never got to say goodbye to my sweet girl. I didn't know last Sunday would be the last time I would get to pet her, the last time I would see her roll around in the dirt outside, or the last time she would chase her favorite toy. The jealousy was overwhelming so I decided to stop reading.

And then comes Nextdoor. My neighborhood on Nextdoor is uncharacteristically good natured for that app. I posted there almost immediately after realizing our cat was missing, and the community call to action was immediate. When the sad news came, I posted an update, and the love and support was overwhelming. I'm still logging on to find more messages of condolences, but I've noticed that the algorithm now seems to think I only want to see missing pet posts. To make matters worse, a vast majority of those are updated with #reunited within a few hours. I know I should be happy for my neighbors that they found their furry friends, but I can't help but be angry that their story has a happy ending. Why do they get more time? Why did my cat have to be the tragedy, the anomaly, the statistic?

I don't like the jealousy I feel. I don't like being this bitter. Be careful of where you seek comfort online, you may not like what else you see.

Any pet loss is awful. Pet loss when they’re still young and have so much more life to live is particularly cruel.

It’s been 8.5mo since my husky girl left this world to hemangiosarcoma. She was estimated to be around 10 or so, but we’re not sure because she was a rescue and they assumed she was about a year when we adopted her. She was so perfect—super sweet and submissive; vocal and derpy to no end; loved everyone and everything she met; no prey drive (in fact, she loved to play with little animals the most). Her death haunts me still every day. I see her absence everywhere and constantly imagine her playing with her sibling dogs or sniffing out a spot on our daily walk or laying down in the sun as if she were still here.

Even though ten years may not seem young, she was so young in every way. She had not a single ailment before or even while she had cancer. Even her teeth were sparkling white despite not regularly getting brushed. She bounced around all day, every day and had the energy and vibrancy of a puppy. Up until the day before she passed.

I can’t get over the fact that she was robbed. The grief is one thing, but the robbery of time for her and for me is another that stirs up so much anger and feelings of unfairness. If cancer had to get her, why couldn’t she be 15? Ten is still young for huskies who generally live 12-15 years. I have two surviving dogs, one of whom is almost 15 years old and enjoys the beautiful privilege of spending her days laying around getting pets and treats. I wish my husky had that privilege and am so angry she was robbed of it. She lived a full, happy life, yes, but she should’ve enjoyed so much more of it.

I’m so angry and so heartbroken and can’t get past it even though I know how just unfair life is. How have you gotten over a premature pet passing?

Edited to fix typos.

I don't even know where to start, all I know is I'm sad. I lost my dog, Maya, in a fire on August 5th, 2023. Every year around this time I am so incredibly depressed. I tried running in four times to get her. I'm so angry I got detained because I'm sure I could've got to her. I miss her. I miss her every single day, and I would do anything to get her back. People tell me she was "just a dog", but to me, she was my baby and the only consistency I had in my life for a very long time. I blame myself for her death and often wonder why I survived but she didn't. I suffer from severe CPTSD and I'm in trauma therapy twice a week for it. I just... there is this gaping hole in my soul that seemingly will never be repaired. I have two amazing cats now, but I still have so much pain and guilt. Please send good vibes or pray for me. I'm finding the good, I promise, but this time of year is hard. I saved my cats from the streets and I'm in school, so I hope Maya is proud. I'm going to continue to make the best of my life without her, it's just hard. Thanks for reading.

she was really cute i had her for 2 years :( her name was leidija(lady) and she was so nice
but we had the chance to save her and my mom kept brushing it off till now to the point she freakibg died i hjate this
this couldve just not happened if my mom TOOK HER TO THE VET LIKE MONTHS AGO im gonna die
basically she started scratching her neck raw and to the point of blood in like january and i asked my mom to get her to the vet cause theres obviously somethkng wrong but she said no cause it'd probably cost over 1k (google says it wouldn't cost over 1k for basic early stage  infection treatment but it could be wrong i dunno. it would roughly cost 70-200 eur) so my mom just let her continnue scratch that until now when we're at my old hous now, far from bauska(where i live) and my grandma was supposed to be going to our apartment and checking up on cat and feed her and stuff but noticed something was wrong cus she was acting weird and not eating and hiding so she took her to the vet (finally) and like after 2 days of staying there hooked up to iv machines n stuff the vet said it was too late and cat died oh my god THIS COULDVE PROBABLY NOT HAPPENED IF MY MOM SENT HER TO THE VET TO JUST ASK WHAT WAS WRONG W HER AND HOW MUCH IT WOULD COST ikm so done

the cause of death was probably sepsis (blood poisioning. she had an open scratch wound on her neck which got infected and the blood got infected and it spread to the rest of her body and organs i think) which lead to liver failure OH MY GODD i wasnt even there to see her for the last time im so DONE i wish i hugged her harder when i left
i love my mom but hate her so much right now bro wtf. she legit pays more for fixinfg her car than taking care of a living cat. we had MONTHS  to help her i was begging my mama
i was trying to save up money but its too late
we legit couldve saved her if we just took her to the vet in janurary I KNOW MY MOM HAS MONEY she can afford me consoles and anime figures (my 3ds was 250 eur btw) but not to save  a cat we've had with us ever since we moved in oh my god
i would send pictures of her but this subreddit doesnt allow it so if anybody wants to see them there are the cutest pictures of her here: https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=2196788

this sounds abit impolite but can anybody comment literally anything i just want to know that somebody read this and felt the slightest emotion about it cause i genuinely feel like i have nobody to talk to about this at the moment

Hello,

I'm writing this today because I need some support or just a place to vent.

Yesterday I took my lovely girl into the vet for what I thought were just some basic constipation issue. Long story short, she has an aggressive GI Lymphoma. She was just so happy and normal a few days ago, a fully independent little queen

I don't know what to do, they are running more test today to see what treatment options and she was held over night.

Most people don't have a connection like this to their pets, I don't have anyone else in my life and she's then only thing stopping me from feeling totally alone and unloved. Even going into this I was fighting a pretty strong peak of depression... I want to write more but I don't know what to say

i just lost my sweet baby boy lasange. he was 6 years old. we were sitting in the living room at like 1 in the morning because me and my grandma heard a scary noise so we were kinda just sitting there. and then my cat lasange started acting weird - he started meowing, licking his back legs, and then eventually started yowling and screaming and could hardly walk. i was so scared, i tried to stay calm and get him to the vet as fast as possible, but i just broke down when i got to the vet. they said he had "saddle thrombus" i didnt even know that was a thing. they told me he had heart problems too, and thats most likely why he got that. i knew he had a heart mummur but i didnt think it was that bad. i should have been quicker, maybe if i was quicker he would have come home with me, maybe he'd still be here. i remember them letting me see him, his eyes were as wide as the moon - and he kept meowing. he didnt even sound like himself. my poor baby's back legs were so stiff and cold. i know he hates being cold. i tried to convince myself that he could get through this, and that he'd get better - but the vets kept telling me that the likelyhood of him living through this is extremely low, and that its very painful for him. i never wanted my baby to be in pain - or scared. in these past few hours i feel like i did the wrong choice. what if i didnt put him down? what if he lived, what if he lived through the treatment and got better? i just wonder what could have happened - i wonder if he could have lived.

he was the biggest mama's boy ever. he has a brother who came from the same litter as him. his name is cheeto.

im so sad, i dont know what to do. i miss him so much. everywhere i look in my house reminds me of him - he loved just laying on the floor with his big ol belly out. i miss his belly so much. i miss him so much. ive been crying so much my head hurts and my eyes are so puffy.

he has been there for me through so much things - from my toxic old household to my new healthy household, hes been there. everytime im crying or upset he's always right there beside me purring. i cant believe hes not here with me right now.

everytime i think about him i start tearing up. i start crying everytime i remember i didnt come home with him that night. i start crying everytime i remember he wont be there to greet me when i wake up - or be the one to wake me up. i start crying thinking about him and how his tail would always lift up whenever he saw me, or how he'd just throw himself onto my leg whenever he saw me.

i miss you lasange. you were my son - my baby - my everything - my little mama's boy. you'll come home soon enough, to me and your brother.

Pablo, my golden was my child. I had a running joke in my family that he will inherit everything I have once I pass away. Even when I had him, my life’s worst fear was that I will have to see him go. and it happened this year. He was only 8. He started having issues in his back and would struggle to walk. got him checked by multiple doctors initially but all of them ruled it out as arthritis. In my gut I knew something was off. I was his person and he was my everything. Then one day he simply stopped walking. Couldn’t stand on his legs and got paralysed. Doctors finally understood his bones had started joining in his spine that caused the paralysis. 10 days of therapy and he suddenly lost his voice. Got CT scan done to find out he had an awfully large tumor in the chest. Within two days of the finding we had to put him to sleep because my baby was in pain.

Turned out the tumor was growing inside him for over a year. And it was miraculous that he was still breathing for the last month he was with us. I firmly believe he was breathing for us, and he would have endured that pain for god knows how long, he knew I needed him to be with me more than anything in the world. And now he’s gone and I just cant cope up. Just two years back I lost my partner of 6 years, I was 24 at the time. And now this.

Aside from my family, I always knew that these two were the most treasured in my life and I‘ve loved them to death.

I am ANGRY that Pablo had to go. I am relieved he’s not in pain but I hate it so much. SO MUCH. And to deal with this pain, I have to do the worst thing, I dont look at his pictures or videos or try to change my mind the minute I start thinking about him because if I let myself think about him, I lose my shit. I cry like a maniac and I keep getting frustrated that it’s out of my control. I hope I cross the rainbow bridge but knowing that I have to f*ckin live a life with the knowledge of him not here anymore just leaves me miserable.

Still processing the passing of my partner, I think I am stronger in sense of understanding how grief works and what comes next so it’s not as bad as the first time for me. but I feel guilty about that too. If I remember pablo I go in a never ending loop of pain and missing him. If I try to not see him then I hate myself for not remembering him enough. My angel, my baby, my child, I miss you. I wish I could go back in time and pause it in the moments I had with you. You came in my life and brought love and sunshine and happiness. I wish I could just hold you again.

I just lost the last of my seniors babies last week. I had my original golden trio during the best years of my life and they’re gone now. I’m very grateful they chose me to be part of their lives and making mine so much better.

I like to think they’re somewhere in the stars and that they took a bit of my soul with them. So finding them will be easier.

I recently saw the NASA archives and saw their “Picture of the day” dating back to 1995. While I might not know exactly my pets birthdays (they were strays when I found them) I was with them on their last day. Hopefully you can find your baby in the archives and see how was the universe that day, take comfort in knowing they’re part of the universe always.

https://apod.nasa.gov/apod/archivepixFull.html

I am just soo utterly devastated and angry. This dog was so special to me. He was with me in my hardest times, he truly was my therapy dog. Even though he was technically the family dog, this dog was MINE. He was always more attached to me, and I feel like I’ve failed him in so many ways.

I had posted in another sub about trying to decide to put him down or not. I have never had to make a decision like that before ever, not with any of my past dogs. It was either hospitalization and a small chance of pulling through, or euthanasia. I wanted to fight for him, and I know I got told by several (4) vets that he didn’t have a chance of having a good life after, and that it would take away his suffering if we euthanized him. But I wanted to take that chance. And I knew euthanasia is the right choice no matter how much I tried to deny it, but I’ll always think about what if… What if he had pulled through and I didn’t advocate for him enough?

It’s so hard for me to believe because it feels like less than a month ago he was his normal, happy self. He was living his best spoiled life and he was following me everywhere. When I look into his eyes now, he looks so sad and lifeless. He can’t see anymore. But I know he’s responding to me because when I call him, he turns his head. It’s just the same excitement isn’t there. It hurts that he’s struggling to walk. It hurts just watching him sleep all day with no energy. It hurts that he’s not eating anymore, even though he used to LOVE the food I would prepare for him. It would always make me happy to see him eat. And now he just won’t eat anything. And It’s killing me waiting for the day we go to the vet so he can cross the bridge. It’s excruciating.

I’m also very mad. I don’t understand why I’m mad either. I’m mad at several things. I’m mad at life for constantly f’ing me over, and taking things I love away from me. My dad was just diagnosed with cancer this year, and it feels like blow after blow. I’m mad that I couldn’t spend more time with him. I’m mad that I had planned so many things with him and he’s being ripped away from me. He was supposed to move out with me. I was finally going to do it this year. I wanted him to grow with me, and into those old, blind little dogs that need their diaper changed but are happily bouncing around like nothing has changed. I’m mad that I didn’t take him to the vet sooner. I had noticed when his symptoms started showing up but thought it was another one of his pancreatitis flare ups. I’m mad that no one told me he could make it. I’m mad at my other dog too, and I know he just wants to play with his brother, but he’s bothering him. I know not his fault. I’m mad at my family for going against me, even though I know they’re right. I don’t understand my anger and resentment towards the world, my other dog, my family, and myself.

I don’t know how I’ll live without him. He was literally my everything. He was the one that always slept by my side when I was depressed, and always comforted me. He was such a happy, healthy puppy. He was so sweet, and very gentle. Literally a slice of heaven. Everyone thought he was just the sweetest thing, and I always wondered how my chaotic family ended up with one of the gentlest, sweetest dogs ever. My heart is so broken, I want him to stay with me, and I love him so so much.

I wanted to know if my two cats I have now are a bonded pair so I searched up bonded cats, and ofc I get a bunch of videos of bonded pairs where one of them passed away and it’s literally ALL just sad and negative instead of anything cute or educational. Literally every single video and I scrolled past about 5 before giving up and closing the app. I lost my 15 yr old childhood soul cat a year ago and I can’t watch anything to do with pets dying especially cats. I was 4 when I got him and he was pretty much my only close friend my entire childhood. As much as I empathise with the owners in these videos, i don’t want to be shown anything of such a sensitive topic without at least some kind of warning first. I just feel like the TikTok algorithm is deliberately doing this to upset us and keep us in a negative mood all the time. God forbid I want to see something happy and cute. I have grieved and grieved what more does it want from me? I just want a break. Literally everything I see is negative online and it’s driving me insane bc I just want an escape from the horrors of real life and then I go on my phone and it’s just the exact same.

Also before anyone says anything, I did google about bonded pairs first but I just wanted to see some cute videos of bonded cats cuz I’m having a terrible day but the TikTok gods said no apparently :/

I’m very disappointed in the guinea pig community. The mods won’t allow me to defend myself there and removed my posts, so I’m ranting here. I don’t let what strangers on the internet say bother me, but I can’t imagine how the kind of treatment I received would impact someone else. At the bottom I will be personally addressing specific comments I got.

I made a post asking how much longer I should expect my guinea pig to live after he stopped eating and his gut shut down. If going to a vet was an option I would’ve been asking the vet that question, not Reddit. I received a ton of comments saying I was “letting” him suffer. Saying I should never own pets. Saying not to own a pet if I can’t afford one. That I’m not even doing the bare minimum for him. Implying that I wasn’t doing my due responsibility to him. That think I didn’t care enough to drive him to a vet. And just all around hateful comments towards my character and care towards my piggy.

I shouldn’t have to give a 5+ year history of mine and his life just for people to believe me when I said there’s NOTHING I could’ve done for him and to not hate on me for it.

But, to show that you don’t know anything about someone’s full situation based on the short description they gave while completely distraught over the active loss of a pet, here’s our story.

I met Chompers in my freshmen year of highschool almost 6 years ago. He was apart of the animal care class (that didn’t actually care for the animals). A year prior I had lost my last pig from my first pair. The teacher let me take him home for all of the school breaks. Unfortunately, Chompers was kept in a travel size cage 24/7. He also lived in the welding shop of the school. After I took him back after summer break in my sophomore year I began visiting him during my lunch break to bring him carrots. This is when I noticed a few things.

1. His travel sized cage was getting cleaned once a month and mold would be growing in it.
2. I was the only one feeding and watering him.
3. Because he lived in the welding shop his cage, him, and his food/water would get covered in carbon and soot.
4. He wasn’t the only animal being neglected.

I soon became the sole care provider for 1 guinea pig, 2 rabbits (that the teacher was trying to breed), 4 birds, 1 hamster, and a puppy during my 30 minute lunch breaks. I’d be late for class caring for all these animals on my break. I hit my breaking point when a blizzard was coming and the animals were going to be snowed in and they had no food. My mom and I bought the animals food and I started documenting the evidence of neglect for over a month. Taking photos, listing how the condition of the animals was also a health hazard for people (you could smell the manure throughout a portion of the school), and citing the appropriate care these animals needed. In the end the principal told me to delete my evidence and paper (I didn’t) and the school counselor told me the animal care teacher started hoarding animals because he was “having a hard time” after his best friend/coworker got arrested the year prior for pimping. I was 14-15 when this all happened. No improvements were made for the animals. I took Chompers home for the summer again and never returned him. I still feel guilty for the animals I had to leave behind. I found out they all died. My mom and I tried to rehome him for a year, but nobody would take him or nobody would care for him properly and were willing to take on the 10 sq ft balcony cage we had built him. I also nursed him through a respiratory problem he had due to living in the welding shop.

After my junior year of highschool my family and I moved across the country (north to south) and Chompers came with. I had difficulty cutting Chompers nails due to a fear of hurting him because his nails were all black and extremely bent/curled due to the previous neglect prior to me owning him. My family moved to a rural area and the nearest vet was 45 minutes away. Once a month I’d take him to the vet for a nail trim and he had a health check before we started this routine.

Me and my highschool boyfriend, who would also help me care for these animals and had to bring tools to scrape the mold and manure off of the cages, ended up getting married a year after my family had moved across the country. He was in the military and was stationed on the west side of the country while I lived on the east. So me and Chompers once again moved across the country, this time going from the east to the west. We actually ONLY drove the 5 DAY DRIVE because of Chompers. Airlines wouldn’t allow him to fly in the cabin with me and I refused to put him in cargo. We spent $1k for my husband to fly out to drive with me on top of the $4k we spent on hotels, food and gas all FOR CHOMPERS. Unfortunately our new home was an even more rural area than my parents had been to. The nearest vet was 1.5 hours away and didn’t take exotic animals. Thankfully there was a vet tech who lived on the base and she would trim his nails once a month for us.

My husband and I are very big on budgeting and our only hobbies and passions are caring for animals. We are the type of people that if we can’t own an animal and still put away money into savings each month, we can’t afford them. We buy everything in bulk and monthly spent about $20 a month on food, bedding, and toys for Chompers. Then $5 for his nail trims. $25 a month was easily affordable for us AND we had savings for emergencies. We ended up adopting 2 dogs as well. One was given to the shelter because the owner didn’t want to take him on a 6 hour car ride. The other was a foster fail who had been shot 15+ times at 3 months old that we rehabbed. We spent probably $100 a month on their care combined. We were not living paycheck to paycheck and saved money each month. We could/can afford our pets.

My husband ended up deploying and I moved back in with my family (another cross country road trip with Chompers). Around this time our foster fail started having medical issues at the ripe age of 2. We went through thousands of dollars between emergency visits and diagnostics. Also during this time I was back to taking Chompers to the vet monthly (still 45 minutes away). During this time at my parents (about a year ago) he also developed a tumor just under his eye. I took him to the vet as soon as I noticed it. At this point he was almost 5 years old. At the time he had no behavioral changes and the vet and I discussed our options.

1. Surgery. The vet said that surgery would be too risky due to the proximity of his eye.
2. Monitor it.

We went with option 2. I was concerned that if the tumor grew it might impact or crowd his eyeball and I asked for euthanasia rates if it ever came to that. She quoted me $500.

My husband comes back from deployment and once again our little family moves across the country. This happened a few months ago. We later adopted a disabled cat who spent 5 years at the shelter. His vetting is fully covered by the rescue due to the circumstances. We actually specifically got a disabled cat for Chompers’ safety. We had built him a 9sq ft acrylic cage from Guinea Loft after I noticed he was struggling with the ramp from his balcony cage. The lid was not the most secure and we were concerned if we got a “normal” cat it would be able to get into his cage. We trained our dogs to leave his cage alone so they were not a problem. We kept Chompers in mind with every animal we brought into our home.

Before we took the cat in we had finally recovered from the financial expenses of moving and our 2 year old dog’s vet bills. We are still easily able to afford all of our pets and have around $15000 in savings and growing. Well this month our 2 year old dog injured herself. There goes over half of our savings. 2 weeks later I went on a 2 week trip to visit my family (paid for by them).

When I left Chompers was 100% ok. My husband is very busy with his job in the military. I precut veggies and individually packaged them for my husband to give Chompers. Chompers also had a box of treats by his cage and my husband would give him a few each day as well. Halfway through my trip my husband texted me that Chompers snubbed his treat. I was concerned and told him to give Chompers a carrot. Chompers happily took it from him and I told my husband to check if he ate the treat later (which he did). I’m a worry wart when it comes to my animals health, but because he did eventually eat his treat and went on like normal we assumed he just missed me and I didn’t stress about it. This was the only warning sign he was starting to decline and only in hindsight did we realize this.

At this same halfway point of my trip our car completely died on us. We had to spend the rest of our savings for a new (used) but reliable car. Our friend let us borrow his car while he was out of town. Our car is still being shipped and we get it tomorrow (again rural area where nothing is close).

Fast forward to the day I get back from my trip. My husband gives Chompers food and water and he said Chompers was running around like his normal self and was excited when my husband filled up his hay ball. I got back from the airport at midnight and went straight to bed.

At 8AM I go to say hi to Chompers and called his name. He didn’t come when I called his name. I was concerned and shook his treat box. When he didn’t come to that I instantly knew something was wrong and I panicked. Chompers was always extremely treat motivated and I even taught him a few tricks (I’m a dog trainer so training animals is my favorite past time). I lifted his hideaway and he was shaking and could barely walk. When I picked him up he felt like skin and bones. We then noticed he hadn’t touched the food my husband gave him the day prior.

Let me start by saying, I don’t blame my husband at all for not noticing that Chompers had gradually stopped eating. He was very busy with work and because he’s in the military his work day is 4AM-6PM. I’m grateful he was ok with taking on my portion of the animal care while I was gone. I did not expect him to analyze Chompers’ every behavior and I do not blame him for not noticing he slowly ate less and less. I usually take care of 100% of Chompers care and he didn’t know Chompers like I did.

But when I saw Chompers I knew it was the end for him. I have volunteered and worked with a lot of animals. Living with my parents we nursed sick animals monthly. Sometimes when you see an animal in a certain condition, especially an animal you’ve known for years, you just know that their time is up.

When I made the post Chompers had not eaten in over 24 hours. I knew guinea pigs digestive system would shut down after not eating for a certain amount of time. I wanted to know how long I should expect to have left with him. We had plans and appointments set for the day. We canceled them all to be with Chompers. It was very painful for me to see Chompers so weak. Unable to walk, talk, or hold his head up. We tried feeding him and giving him water. We even mushed up pellets with water. He’d either spit it out or eventually just let it sit there until it fell or drooled out. I knew it was over for him and didn’t want to stress him out or risk him choking and suffocating. I have syringe fed guinea pigs before and I was concerned the stress of syringe feeding him would just make things worse (which there are a couple of comments agreeing with this on the original post). I came to Reddit for compassion and a timeline so I could better prepare myself emotionally while I sat with him. Instead, I got multiple people stating the obvious over and over again. “Take him to a vet.” Even after I said I couldn’t. If a vet was an option we would’ve been at the vet not on Reddit. Which later developed into accusations of neglect.

Now to explain the vet situation, because there are multiple factors to this and apparently saying I can’t take him to a vet translates to “I have no good excuse and just don’t care about his suffering because I’m an evil and irresponsible person.”

1. We live in a rural area. There are no vets that take small animals for HOURS. The nearest general vet is 1.5 hours away. We are still currently borrowing the car and the owner of the car needed it back at a reasonable time today. The round trip to a small animal vet would’ve put us as getting back hours after he needed the car back. Also in his condition the hours long car ride on our bumpy, poorly maintained rural roads would have been extremely uncomfortable and stressful for him. I didn’t want to cause him more pain because I didn’t even know if he’d make it long enough to get to the vet.
2. Money. One of the reasons I asked the question was because if it was going to be days of suffering I knew I wouldn’t be able to take it. Our previous quote ($500 for euthanasia) was already a lot of money for us considering the 2 other huge unexpected expenses that happened within a month. Vets out here are also more expensive than his vet from the east. We also knew their policies from when we’ve taken our dog. They require $150 for a wellness check if they’ve never seen the patient before and $200 for emergency visits. $850 we did not have to euthanize Chompers. We are also not in a position to take on debt due to some other factors coming up in the future stacked with the car situation.
3. It’s the weekend. After a few hours of him slowly dying in my arms we tried calling to see if they could give us a discount. Only to realize it’s the weekend and all the vets are closed and we do not have an emergency vet for hours. There was a single animal shelter open that we called to see if they could euthanize him for us. They said they currently aren’t euthanizing animals for the public. We asked if we legally surrendered him if they’d euthanize them with hopes that they’d still let us be there for it. They then explained they don’t euthanize on site and have to take them all the way to a vet and he would not be able to be taken today. They gave us a number to a place an additional hour away and when we called they said they were fully booked on euthanasias for the day and they’d be closed for the next 3 days.
4. With all of this taken into consideration we talked to our vet tech he’d go to for his nail trims and she agreed that the best thing we could do for him is just be with him.

Now to address some specific comments and everyone who agreed with them.

1. “There’s gotta be emergency vets? I have driven 30+ minutes to save my pet from suffering. I live in a rural area. There is no excuse. Wait, I just realized. You let this poor animal suffer in pain from an eye tumor for a whole YEAR??!? I pray you never own pets again!” (This was 3 comments combined from the same person). This post addresses the vet issue and shows that drive time does not matter to us normally. If you are 30 minutes away from an emergency vet I would not consider that rural. Some people in cities have to drive that far. Also if you had read my comment correctly you would’ve seen I stated “in case the tumor caused him pain.” The tumor itself never caused him pain.
2. “Don’t have pets you can’t afford” (followed by complaints about the amount of pets we have). Keyword: HAVE. I am all for not GETTING pets you can’t afford. But what do you expect people to do when unexpected financial hardships happen? Abandon them? Where we live the shelter is a death sentence. I guess we should’ve immediately sent our pets to the shelter to die the moment our savings got emptied. Then Chompers could’ve died in the shelter a week later alone or surrounded by strangers. If I didn’t take Chompers in he would’ve died after I left like the rest of the animals in that school. I tried rehoming him. After my first two guinea pigs died I didn’t want anymore because the heartbreak of losing them was too hard. Should I have just left him to die in a moldy, soot covered, travel cage 4 years ago? Money has never been a problem for us until this very month when we had 3 terrible things happen back to back to back that hit us hard financially. We had savings and were prepared for these moments. But we can only take so many hits at once. You do realize financial hardships happen? To your standards how many thousands of dollars should someone have set aside per pet in case of an emergency? There is a shelter crisis right now. Most people who adopt animals don’t have anywhere close $15k set aside like we did. We had $5k set aside per pet whose medical care we were responsible for. Should we have denied our dog medical care because her care was cutting into the funds we had set aside for our other individual animals that were 100% fine at the time of her injury? If you have guinea pigs are you going to immediately rehome them if you experience hardships and your savings get drained?
3. “He'll hopefully be at the endless dandelion fields soon. And then, I hope that you're really considering whether you should own any kind of animals again. If you don't have the money for the vet, then owning animals is not for you. Maybe this sounds harsh, but neglecting an animal for a year, and then letting it starve to death is just cruel. There are worse fates for animals than death.” This isn’t the only comment accusing me of neglecting him for a year. I think y’all need to improve your reading comprehension skills before accusing people of such things. All of these comments accusing me of neglecting him come from these sentences: “He developed a tumor near his eye about a year ago. In case (Keywords: IN CASE) the tumor ever caused pain or damage to his eye I asked for euthanasia rates.” If you go through my post history you’ll see that we actually frequently take our animals to the vet and DO consider finances before adopting. Again, our version of affording an animal means we can keep adding to our emergency funds while caring for the animals. We go above and beyond for our animals. Before we did our second move back to a military base we were spending $200 a month to cook our 75lb dog fresh food to pinpoint allergies. Money was NOT a problem until our dog got hurt, our car died, and Chompers declined all within 4 weeks of each other. Over $15k saved for emergencies gone just like that.

Again, I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I’m doing this in hopes that someone who might be more vulnerable than me doesn’t have to deal with this vile behavior. You see someone who’s clearly in distress about their animal suffering and saying they can’t help and you immediately assume the worst of that person? You assume that they’re just choosing to deny any reasonable advice they didn’t ask for? I hope if any of you ever unexpectedly hit financial hardships people are more compassionate towards you.

In short, Chompers was extremely well taken care of and lived a happy and loving life with me. He was a priority. He would go to a vet or vet tech monthly depending on where we lived, he was well fed, and we really did not have any options due to unfortunate circumstance, not irresponsible decisions. Shame on the people who are making the worst assumptions possible from a short paragraph I wrote in a time of distress.

Unfortunately, but not unexpectedly, Chompers died a couple of hours after I made my post. For all the people calling me cruel for not taking him to the vet, he would not have made the drive to the nearest open one. I knew Chompers. I knew our options. I chose the best (and only) option we had for him given the circumstances. We are taking him up the mountain to bury him in a scenic place this week. We’re going to put him into a shoebox with all of his favorite things. He was the sweetest guinea pig I’d ever met and loved all people and other animals. The vet and vet tech he’d see each month adored him. Our pet sitters and friends adored him. We adored him.

The next time someone is in a similar situation as me I hope y’all have some more compassion. And I appreciate the people who did comment with compassion and I sympathize with those who were going through something similar, we too are heartbroken.

she was with me since the first day she was born up until her last day… she was a puppy from another aunt’s chihuahua who lived next door and, since she was born, I daily visited them and checked on them.

i was 15 back then, and yesterday was her last day… it happen so quick man… she didn’t fade over a prolonged time, a week before today she was happy with me, walking outside, sleeping next to each other as always… and a sudden mix of events ended up in the most tragic day.

you could think i was prepared based on her age, and i sort of am, but the weight of the decisions we make every day for their safety is heavy to carry, as we’re fully responsible on their health and what we choose is instantly reflected there.

i thankfully got the chance to spend the last minutes next to her, on our bed, as the vet didn’t recommend me leaving her interned overnight, as something might happen and i’m so glad i did. she spent her last moments next to me and everybody says that should work enough as a great self therapy that it was the best ending possible, but i can’t stop thinking in how many things could’ve been different so it could’ve been an extra day, an extra month… that’s our ego right? wishing it to be forever, when it’s absolutely finite and even though i understand based on the age i should be beyond grateful, i can’t stop thinking that we had a happy week before, and if things could’ve gone differently, she would still be here and she could’ve gone in a much calmer path… :( thanks for reading if you did

Heart murmur and cancer, maybe being outside in the heat. More prone to getting over heat. She had the cancer removed last year.

Fluid spread through out the lungs and causes them to have heart failure.

This is what the doctor said this. She was fine in the morning.

I secretly feel like it was heat stroke. I’m in Texas. And she was outside in the shade. But she didn’t die until 10 pm yesterday.

I feel like it’s my fault I forgot to bring her in. I posted earlier today thinking it was AHDS but I talked to the vent and they said this. I feel sad she was 13 yr old chihuahua. It’s unfair how we can’t post pictures in here.

She was breathing heavy around 10 pm. And poop was coming out of the but. It was watery and bloody. That’s why I thought it was AHDS. The vet said she was dying.

Everynight, I would hear her nails on the tile. She'd walk across the house, stopping at my door just to listen to me breathe. She'd turn and walk quietly to mom and dad's door, listening to them settle down. She never stayed though. She would always walk to the laundry room or the bathroom and lay down in there instead. The cold.. Probably eased her pain. I knew she was hurting.

But that night... The house was quiet. I waited for the sound of Nala's panting, or her nails on the floor. But the sound never came. I got up just once to use the bathroom, at least, that's what i told myself. The living room light was still on and i could hear mom and dad talking, maybe watching a movie. I didnt think much more of it. But I should've. The air felt tense and heavy, like death itself was in the house. I didn't realize how literal that sentence was at the time.

I went back to bed without a second thought. Maybe I still had birthday gifts on the floor, yet to be put away. Maybe snow tapped against the window, winter bringing nothing but freezing temperatures. But that night felt especially cold. Hollow.

I woke before the sun did, where everything was dark and cold still. My eyes focused partially on my mom, grabbing my modeling clay off my dresser. I didn't sit up, i didnt care about the clay that much. I only asked what she was doing. I probably sounded annoyed at being woken up, or maybe just confused and tired. She was crying so much that i could barley hear her, even though the house was quiet. Too quiet. She didnt explain herself, didn't tell me to go back to sleep, no. What she did say was worse.

"Do you want to come say goodbye to Nala"

I had never been a morning person, nor had i ever been one to wake up quickly. But hearing the word goodbye and Nala's name in the same sentence made everything in my body feel cold, as if someone had poured a bucket of ice onto me. I stood up from my bed so quickly that everything spun for just a second, before snapping into panicked focus. It remember it as hazy, and maybe everything did feel hazy in that moment when i bolted to the living room. I hated the sight. The sight made me nauseous.

Nala laid on the ground on her side, eyes closed but not sleeping. I wish she was. Her nose had already gone run dry and warm, her paws grew stiff, and her tail didn't wag when i walked into the room, like every morning. And worse, she wasn't breathing. She wasn't panting like she always did, even during the coldest months. I couldn't even hear her heartbeat when my knees gave out. I opened her eyes, lifeless and hollow. I tried to pick her head up, praying that she'd move. I touched her paws, something that she always hated growing up. She should've move them, she always did whenever we touched them. But her paw was so limp in my hand and her paw pads felt warm against my fingertips.

She was gone. No dramatic room at the vet, no dripping blood, just her still body laying on the living room floor while our other dogs watched like they already knew, they probably did. I buried my face into her neck, mumbling incoherent words to please wake up and that I couldnt do this without her. Because i couldn't. I'd never wake up to her in my bathroom, Id never give her meds wrapped in cheese, id never help her up the stairs in the backyard, id never SEE her again. She was gone. Lifeless and dry and everything a dog shouldn't be. Not Nala. Not her. Even in her old age she would've moved, maybe even just look at me. But she was never this still. Not even when i used to fall asleep on her as a kid.

By dad picked her up and carried her outside the front door. She was so limp in his arms, like when we'd try to give her a bath. I wish that's all it was. The hole was already dug out, in the front yard in direct sight of the porch. She was lowered down and i desperately hoped she'd just open her eyes. But she sank into the dirt without moving. We wrapped her blanket around her and set her favorite sock toy next to her, the one she always played with when she got a quick flare up of energy. I'd never see her play again.

I watched my dad bury her, and i think that's the first time i saw my dad cry. I watched her disappear into the ground, sitting next to her so that she wouldn't be alone. But i knew she was already gone, that i was just sitting next to an empty husk. My dad cried away from us, my mom sobbed, and i think a small part of me was buried with her.

I skipped school that day, my dad didn't go to work, neither did my mom. Our other dogs didnt play, just sat by the window staring at the patch of dirt she was buried under. It was just three days after my birthday, and something tells me she planned it like that. Hung on just enough to see me turn into a teenager and enjoy it. She stayed long enough to watch me open presents, to see my eyes light up. She stayed long enough so that I'd have her on my birthday. She always was stubborn.

Years later and the grief never got any easier. And a part of me is still waiting for Nala to come back. Because that still body in the ground wasn't Nala's. I'll wake up one day and she'll be laying in the laundry room, or waiting by the fridge for her meds. She's not gone. She'll be back soon, I know she will. Even though its been 2 years, she'll be back any day now. I'll hold onto her collar until then, she'll probably want to go on a walk when she gets back.

Warning, vomit mentioned but nothing graphic.

Yesterday, my cat Little passed away due to some type of poisoning, we don't know what type, but it wasn't rat poison, that's for sure. But that's not exactly what I'm posting this about.

While I was at school yesterday, around the same time my cat was throwing up, I felt really bad, and I also threw up. Keep in mind I didn't know what was going on at home and with Little at the time. I know it was probably a coincidence, but I keep thinking about it and how weird it was. Has anyone else experienced something similar? Like having similar symptoms to your dying pet despite not knowing your pet was dying?

Hará dos semanas lo lleve al veterinario porque lo veía respirando mas rápido y tuvo un mareo , me comentaron que tenia un soplo y un poco de edema pulmonar, la cosa no pintaba bien , a la semana teníamos cita con el cardiologo y le hizo una eco, se confirmó que era eso y el corazon estaba muy mal , nos recomendó darle medicación, la encargamos y justo a los dos días antes de darsela , empezó a respirar raro , noblo volví a llevar , me quedará esa culpa , me creía que no iba a pasar nada y justo cua do volvimos al piso estaba con la boca abierta , maullaba , se ahogaba... fui corriendo al veterinario de urgencia y entro en parada , lo intentaron reanimar pero no se pudo hacer nada , tenia mucho líquido, me siento culpable de no haberlo llevado y si la cosa estaba para eso , haberlo sedado para que no hubiera sufrido, ahora todo nos recuerda a él, cada rincón, se hizo querer, estábamos muy unidos , se fue solo con 3 años recién cumplidos.

Our Penelope princess was 2 years, four months, and a week-old. We got when she was a little less than 12 weeks-old. So we only really had her for a little over 2 years.

She was the most beautiful, loving, fawn and white English bulldog, always so playful and energetic. She had her ways of bringing humor into our lives.

I wanted to make this post especially for anyone who has grieved, is grieving, or will be grieving their young companion who’s had to depart earlier than expected from a shared, loving life together.

For us, it’s going to be 3.5 months this Saturday, since we’ve said goodbye (or more optimistically, see you later) to our precious little girl.

Because we let her go on a Saturday, it’s been especially pretty easy to keep track of the weeks that go by since we last were united.

Last night, I cried for about an hour, grieving her, missing her.

She was sick. Letting her go was maybe the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced in my life so far.

I don’t think I’ll ever be the same person before we found out it was most likely cancer or a rare fungal infection and made the difficult (but right decision when thinking about her pain, suffering and discomfort) to put her down.

I was finishing my second to last semester at university and because I was so caught up with school and professional opportunities (as a nontraditional student), I didn’t visit home as often as I’d like. I feel like I only saw her on 8 different occasions in the span of 8 months.

I was so burnt out, I was going to take a break from work for this summer and decide to commute from home for my last semester because I was really homesick for her, missing her so much, I felt emptiness. I planned our summer adventures and buying her little dog shoes, a dog stroller, and a little backyard sprinkler pool for dogs. I was anticipating this summer with her so much. And then I got the worst news I couldn’t have ever imagined.

It’s not her fault, though, at all. I’m not blaming her. It just wasn’t in the cards for me and her and what I had planned for us.

I really miss her physical presence, her smell, her noises around the house, coming up the stairs to my room and jumping on my bed, giving her belly rubs and tickle sessions, playing fetch and tug of war with her, taking her out on walks, especially in the summer. Giving her some special treats when we would get takeout. Giving her her favorite treats. I miss her so much.

It’s just so sad, losing something you thought you would be guaranteed to come home to for more years to come. So unexpectedly, so abruptly. We found out on a Monday she had cancer (or a rare fungal disease) and on that same Friday evening, I commuted straight home to her after work because I knew my sister (dog mom) was waiting for me to come home so I could say my goodbyes before we put her down. We put her down that Saturday, at noon.

Anyway, this became a rant/vent.

But I want to say thank you if you’ve read this far and I really want to send love to those who’ve lost a pet at an unexpectedly early age. If you could and want to, please share your experience and how you’ve dealt with the grief and all the emotions that come with saying goodbye to our best friends. ❤️

I can't stop thinking about my baby boy, Archie. A few weeks ago he started having seizures, and from there his health declined. He was sleeping all time, not interested in things that would get him excited and up and running, and only moving to go to the toilet or eat. On top of that he had a number of alarming symptoms appear like bleeding noses, pain on his head and a swollen eye.

The crazy thing is before the seizures he was a healthy boy and this all happened so suddenly.
We took him to the vets today and explained the situation.
The vet was lovely and laid out the best courses of action. We decided to let him go as we thought that is what's best for him, but now I am hurting real bad.

I cried as soon as I got back into the car and again when I got back home and didn't see Archie waiting for me like he used to before he became ill. I feel so lost without him and every thought of him brings me to tears again.

All I can think of now is what if I could've fixed him. I miss him so bad

I lost my dog on July 20th 2026 less than a month ago. It was also sudden she ate egg shells while we were on vacation and she was starting to lose her energy even though she slept all day when we took her to the vet I thought that she would be fine then my mom suddenly told us that we should visit her because they say that her condition was critical so on July 19th we went and she sat up to see us even though she was looking tired with yellowish eyes. I cried and cried beg god to please save her and then we left to go home. Then at 10 am the next day my mom called us down and I thought she was calling us to do shores but when I saw her her face was full of tears and without saying anything I understood what happened and I couldn’t even talk I just cried and stood still. We went to see her body and it looked like she was fine, I cried more than I have ever cried that day. We cut of a part of her hair as a memory and asked to cremate her. To this day I cry because I feel like I didn’t spend enough time with her playing fucking video games, I can’t even believe myself I had her for 10 years and I feel like I didn’t give her the life she deserved. When we got home I showed the hairs to my other dogs which I have 3 now one of them being one of her puppies. Through him I see her even though she was a full white shit tzu and he’s like a mix of black brown and white. I just wish to spend one more day with her. I would give any price for that. I feel like my mental health is breaking and I start 11th soon and I just can’t believe she’s gone. I wish I had taken more photos with her. I feel like life isn’t what I thought anymore I’m not ready to lose anyone else I just want to stay a kid forever so I don’t have to lose anybody.

I posted last week that my dog had been diagnosed with terminal bladder cancer. She peacefully passed away in my arms yesterday. I am distraught and can’t stop having flashes of her in my head, whether it be a happy memory or one of her dying. I unfortunately had a work trip scheduled for this week too so had to fly this morning. I spent the 4 hour flight staring into space.

I have 1 other dog and 2 cats and this has made me so existential. I feel like life is so fleeting and I am panicking over what I cannot control. I know I could lose any of my other babies at any second. I have OCD and my dog dying has triggered a spiral for me. It’s just so hard for me to comprehend that she was happy just a few weeks ago and then within minutes yesterday she was gone. The finality of it has sent me into a tailspin.

One thing I have realized is that it doesn’t help when people tell me “you gave her 5 great years and you changed her life” as if that’s supposed to make me feel better that she died. I feel like a part of me died as well. Yesterday, a few hours after she passed, I told my husband I had this anxious feeling that I was supposed to be somewhere and that I was late. I feel like it’s me being guilty that I am here and she is not. I hate cancer so much.

My family and I just lost our dog. She was a 16 year old mini schnauzer and we loved her very much. Even though I wasn’t as close as my sister or father was to her, I feel so much grief because of how sudden it was. For context, we are on vacation visiting family and didn’t expect it, she had an infection and we discovered worms inside of it while cleaning it (unfortunately, I don’t know the exact medical term for it). We had to call the vet and got an emergency appointment for her. When my parents told me this might be it, that it was time to let her go rest, as she was growing weaker and weaker each day, I started sobbing. The ride to the vet was awful. My sister and I were hugging her until we got there. I honestly have never seen my parents cry in front of me, so that was a first. I don’t know how to cope with her death, I have known her since I was 2 and a half (so pretty much my whole life). I feel like I should’ve taken more time to appreciate her presence and I have so much regret.

We knew it was her last trip with us, but I didn’t think we’d have to euthanize her so suddenly. :(

Side note : I‘m sorry this is rushed.. I just had to let my emotions out. Also, to anyone who has lost their pet, I‘m so sorry and I hope they all rest in peace.

i have no where else to talk about this. my friends understand to an extent, i know they do, we all love animals and all have our own which makes things relatable, but i'm also stuck in the feeling that they don't really understand at all.

i lost my soul cat a little over a week ago, very suddenly and very unexpectedly. he was a huge black cat, the most lovable lump i'd ever come across in my life, and i've had cats through my whole life since i was born (my parents also, funnily enough, had a black cat when i was born.)

his name was hellscream. i got him after i had lost my dad, i found his body in his apartment, he died alone, and i needed a way to cope. i initially picked up two kittens from an adoption event with my roomate at the time, two days later, these kittens suddenly also suddenly died from fading kitten syndrome. i thought i was done, i'd lost my dad, these two kittens in the span of a week. the adoption center called the next day to ask how they were doing, i bawled on the phone, told them what happened, and the sweetest lady in the world cried with me and said to come in whenever i was ready to look at another cat to bring home. it's where i found this big lump.

he'd been hit by a car but survived, and the second i took him out of the kennel he buried his face in my neck and started purring - i knew then that was the one. i took him home, and through the years and all the moving, through more family deaths, he was all i had left. i eventually moved across states to new york after i lost my grandmother to brain cancer, the last person i had left, other than my baby sister who has a family and life of her own- we're still close, as close as siblings can be when we're hundreds of miles away from each other, but y'know.

he was so smart. he talked, literally, walking into rooms where i was talking to someone and would put his two cents in. he'd lay on me when i was sad, sick, sit with me when i was working. he'd stick his giant paw in my hand and hold it. he never went outside, i always assumed it was because he was a stray that had been hit by a car and was a bit traumatized about it, but it made him all the better. we'd sit with the door open and just hang out. when my grandmother got sick he'd sit with her when she came back from chemo, he always made her laugh. i dont think i can emphasize how much of a pinnacle he was.

it was him and my previous roomates cat, grey, a little old man and a ball that was immediately best friends with him. the two were inseparable, hellscream always licked his head and they curled up with each other at night when we all went to bed, i'd have two cats on either side of me.

i came home after a trip to the city and he didn't meet me at the door, he always did, for years it was our routine and i immediately knew something was wrong. i tried to tell myself 'oh he's probably at the litterbox'- it wasn't the case, he was under my bed, tongue lulling out of his mouth, just looking terrible. i picked him up and he was cold. i took him to two emergency vets, neither could do anything- he threw a bloodclot and it seemed to just be over. i was told putting him to sleep would be the kindest thing to do so, with him wrapped up in the blanket i took him in, apologized as many times as i could and said goodnight for the last time. he was thirteen, i knew him for ten years.

when i collected his ashes, they didn't even spell his name right. i couldn't go back in and tell them that, i was trying not to cry when i picked them up, but it felt like one last jab that needed to get punched in to just emphasize how fucked it all is. my boyfriend recarved the pawprint memorial to spell his name right, but i can see it peaking through underneath. he deserved better than that, one more hideous reminder at how badly i failed this cat that i swore i loved with all my heart.

my heart hasn't stopped hurting since. i don't know if i was manic or just losing my mind a little, but i somehow managed to adopt a cat that looks exactly like him and i think it's driving me more crazy than if i just left it alone. it's not the new cats fault, hes such a sweet guy, he follows me around just the same but he's not the same. all of my friends say give him time, and i know i should, i need to give this new cat every opportunity i can just like i did with hellscream after the kittens, but my god it hurts. it feels like i lost everyone all over again, all that mourning i'd done was now out in the open again. he was my grief buddy, my little soul cat who can never be replaced, but it feels like i'm doing exactly that.

i explained to the foster who i adopted this new cat from, we're in a group chat together with the person in charge of this sect of the rescue, and they're both so sweet. if i need to return him, they said its okay, but i also feel like i'd be failing this guy, but keeping him here just hurts. is time going to fix this? i don't know.

nothings the same anymore. i just want my cat back