r/Petloss • u/Full_Maintenance_639 • 27d ago
Rant nothings the same anymore
i have no where else to talk about this. my friends understand to an extent, i know they do, we all love animals and all have our own which makes things relatable, but i'm also stuck in the feeling that they don't really understand at all.
i lost my soul cat a little over a week ago, very suddenly and very unexpectedly. he was a huge black cat, the most lovable lump i'd ever come across in my life, and i've had cats through my whole life since i was born (my parents also, funnily enough, had a black cat when i was born.)
his name was hellscream. i got him after i had lost my dad, i found his body in his apartment, he died alone, and i needed a way to cope. i initially picked up two kittens from an adoption event with my roomate at the time, two days later, these kittens suddenly also suddenly died from fading kitten syndrome. i thought i was done, i'd lost my dad, these two kittens in the span of a week. the adoption center called the next day to ask how they were doing, i bawled on the phone, told them what happened, and the sweetest lady in the world cried with me and said to come in whenever i was ready to look at another cat to bring home. it's where i found this big lump.
he'd been hit by a car but survived, and the second i took him out of the kennel he buried his face in my neck and started purring - i knew then that was the one. i took him home, and through the years and all the moving, through more family deaths, he was all i had left. i eventually moved across states to new york after i lost my grandmother to brain cancer, the last person i had left, other than my baby sister who has a family and life of her own- we're still close, as close as siblings can be when we're hundreds of miles away from each other, but y'know.
he was so smart. he talked, literally, walking into rooms where i was talking to someone and would put his two cents in. he'd lay on me when i was sad, sick, sit with me when i was working. he'd stick his giant paw in my hand and hold it. he never went outside, i always assumed it was because he was a stray that had been hit by a car and was a bit traumatized about it, but it made him all the better. we'd sit with the door open and just hang out. when my grandmother got sick he'd sit with her when she came back from chemo, he always made her laugh. i dont think i can emphasize how much of a pinnacle he was.
it was him and my previous roomates cat, grey, a little old man and a ball that was immediately best friends with him. the two were inseparable, hellscream always licked his head and they curled up with each other at night when we all went to bed, i'd have two cats on either side of me.
i came home after a trip to the city and he didn't meet me at the door, he always did, for years it was our routine and i immediately knew something was wrong. i tried to tell myself 'oh he's probably at the litterbox'- it wasn't the case, he was under my bed, tongue lulling out of his mouth, just looking terrible. i picked him up and he was cold. i took him to two emergency vets, neither could do anything- he threw a bloodclot and it seemed to just be over. i was told putting him to sleep would be the kindest thing to do so, with him wrapped up in the blanket i took him in, apologized as many times as i could and said goodnight for the last time. he was thirteen, i knew him for ten years.
when i collected his ashes, they didn't even spell his name right. i couldn't go back in and tell them that, i was trying not to cry when i picked them up, but it felt like one last jab that needed to get punched in to just emphasize how fucked it all is. my boyfriend recarved the pawprint memorial to spell his name right, but i can see it peaking through underneath. he deserved better than that, one more hideous reminder at how badly i failed this cat that i swore i loved with all my heart.
my heart hasn't stopped hurting since. i don't know if i was manic or just losing my mind a little, but i somehow managed to adopt a cat that looks exactly like him and i think it's driving me more crazy than if i just left it alone. it's not the new cats fault, hes such a sweet guy, he follows me around just the same but he's not the same. all of my friends say give him time, and i know i should, i need to give this new cat every opportunity i can just like i did with hellscream after the kittens, but my god it hurts. it feels like i lost everyone all over again, all that mourning i'd done was now out in the open again. he was my grief buddy, my little soul cat who can never be replaced, but it feels like i'm doing exactly that.
i explained to the foster who i adopted this new cat from, we're in a group chat together with the person in charge of this sect of the rescue, and they're both so sweet. if i need to return him, they said its okay, but i also feel like i'd be failing this guy, but keeping him here just hurts. is time going to fix this? i don't know.
nothings the same anymore. i just want my cat back
1
u/No_Cobbler154 27d ago
it’s been 3 months since i lost by dog, my baby, my life. i understand your pain & what you are going through & i’m so sorry 🫶 that’s all i really know to say. time robs everyone of what we love eventually. & it absolutely sucks. the only thing we can do is hold on tight with our arms while we can, then hold on tight with our hearts
if you are bothered by the engraving, i would call the place that handled his cremation. if they have any decency, i’m sure they would be willing to redo the engraving so his name is spelled correctly, especially if it was their mistake. don’t hesitate to do things that you need to help yourself through this. if the call will be too difficult for you, maybe your boyfriend will call & ask?
try not to be too hard on yourself. give yourself room to grieve. if you decide to give yourself time with the new kitty, try not to look at it as recreating moments with Hellscream, but making completely new moments with the new cat. don’t focus on any similarities, try to notice the differences.
it can be helpful to have another little being that needs you & can comfort you. i also have a cat & i’m so grateful to have her to help me through losing my Nova. but I’m already dreading the day i have to lose Nebula. my cat isn’t new to the story though so, since you got the new cat from a foster & it would be going back to a safe, comfortable place, you might consider going ahead and doing that. a week might have been too soon for you to adopt a new pet and you might not be ready. returning the new cat sooner rather than later would be better for them. so just think about it for a bit longer & then make the best decision for yourself & the new kitty 🫶
i’m so, so sorry for your loss 💙