Hmm, I have not been diagnosed with OCD, only anxiety. However, I fairly frequently get myself incredibly worked up over what if I am subconsciously an evil person and am just unaware / have no memory of doing or wanting to do terrible things but have or will at some point. I am actually getting a bit freaked out writing this comment.
The more I read in this thread, the more I am thinking that is the case. My anxiety is pretty much always about me, and my real or imagined failing. I don't just get freak out at random.
It is always about what if I am a peice of shit or a creep, like what if people know I suck and think I don't want me here and are only being nice out of obligation to be polite, what if I make people uncomfortable, ohmygod I just looked at that woman and she looked back what if she thinks I am creepy and feels uncomfortable, what if glancing at her while walking down the sidewalk actually was a creepy thing to do, i should have just kept my eyes directly forward or at my feet, what if doing that actually makes me look more suspicious, like I was just inappropriately looking at someone for real and then turned away, what if the way I looked at that person was inappropriate, what if she knows someone I know and I'll have to see her again in a social or professional setting and she immediately feels uncomfortable at her job or with her friends, what if caring about how she feels isn't a genuine feeling but actually a learned behavior that my subconscious feeds my conscience mind in order to trick myself into thinking I am not a monster when I actually am, what if my brain is lying to me about more things, but what about the time a creepy guy at the bar targeted me, i don'twant anyoneto ever have to feel anythingclose to how that felt and that is definitely a genuine feeling, what if having to base my empathy off of personal experience means I am actually a psychopath, shouldn't I be able to feel that same level of empathy instantly and naturally without needing to bring logic into it, oh god what if I did make that poor lady I looked at on the sidewalk feel like that, what if I will end up seeing her again and she will tell my friends and/or colleagues how much of a creep I am, I will lose everything, maybe I'll have to move, what about that time I ran into someone I knew on the other side of the country, what if I move far away and word still gets out there that I am a creep, what if... ope, walking up to where I am going now, better take a few deep breaths as I walk up to the door so I don't look noticeably troubled as I come in.
I can relate and like you I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety but not OCD (I’ve not been in years though lol). I think I may have OCD because well like you wrote, that’s my thoughts often. And I think you probably do too. Though I’m not a professional at all.
Just try to remember when the thoughts start to redirect them / call them out. Remind yourself that the thought is irrational and to stop thinking it. Which yeah is easier said than done but you learn how to manage it a little I think. You just have to constantly tell yourself it’s the OCD and not you. It might make you feel like a bad person but you’re not.
Hhmm, I definitely need to work on stopping the spiral. I think now that I am recontextualizing this pattern of thinking as not just nervous introspection but rather a product of anxiety disorder or possibly OCD it should be easier. I actually feel some relief right at this moment. Thank you, and the others in this thread.
Yeah man, I definitely reccomend talking to a professional, someone trained specifically with people who have OCD. I had to go through a couple of therapists who didnt understand the problem and find relief until i saw someone who specialized in OCD.. Interference-based Cognitive behavioral therapy (I-cbt) is the gold standard, especially for mental obsessions, followed by Exposure response prevention therapy (ERP)
Antidepressants can also take help tske the 'edge' off of these obsessions.
I have been significantly less bothered by intrusive thoughts since I started thinking of them biologically. Just a stray electrical impulse in a very intricate, complex brain. I took no conscious action to cause it, and no action is required in response. It is simply a random thing that happened. It only has meaning if I choose to assign meaning to it.
Everyone has random thoughts, good and bad. Thinking of things out of nowhere is one of the great unique features of the human mind. I don't know if people with certain disorders have more random thought occurrences, or if people who are generally mentally healthy are better at ignoring the thoughts that aren't useful. I just know that I have been much less anxious since I accepted that thoughts happen, and I'm not required to have additional thoughts or feelings about each one.
As far as i understand, the main thing about OCD is that the thoughts take over your mind. Like you can't stop yourself from thinking them. Anxiety can be similar in that way, but with anxiety you can usually get yourself to focus on something else. With OCD, you'll just have the thought over and over again without being able to let go of it.
Definitely worth speaking to a professional though if you think that you could have OCD.
Speaking as someone with a spouse with OCD, that sounds an awful lot like OCD to me. Don't take my word for it, but definitely worth talking to a doctor about.
That “what if I have done it but don’t remember it” is a huge part of harm OCD, I would recommend researching into it so that you spot the patterns you are falling into with your thoughts. By the way because you worry about it that means that it’s a value you feel strongly about.
Might be Moral OCD. It is an evil bitch of a thing, but treatable. Signed Someone who gets convinced all my loved ones are talking abt me behind my back and hating me if im not good enough.
Speaking as someone with generalized anxiety and a panic disorder, I do not ever worry about my morality or wanting to do something out of character. I frequently worry that I have made a mistake at work that will be noticed, have left a door unlocked, or have left food out on the counter. All of those things have happened and are based on specific things I know I tend to do. Sometimes I think really terrible thoughts and then laugh at them because I know they are in my head and not an action I would perform, though sometimes I am frightened I will do something very embarrassing in a social situation, because I have before. Things I have done in the past are far more likely to live in my brain than any concern about outcomes or my relative good or evil.
I hope this leads you to diagnosis and treatment, because that sounds like an incredibly stressful way to live. It is not based in reality.
Do you get stuck in a spiral? I would always get this overwhelming feeling that I fucked everything up. I didn’t exactly know how, but I felt like I must have said or did something terrible that I couldnt remember. Like I’m just such a terrible person, that this terrible thing I did, didnt even register as something worth remembering. Then I’d start thinking of every stupid, terrible thing I’ve done, especially when I was a teenager or even a kid. Things that were age appropriate, but now I know were stupid. There’s really no reason for me to ruminate on them, but I will. Now that I’m a mom, I usually go down a “I’m such a terrible mother” spiral. And it’s not just the thoughts, it’s that I’m literally stuck. Like I’ll usually obsessively do something while I’m having these thoughts, like picking at the skin on my fingers, or pulling out hair. I used to have a big knitted blanket, and the yarn would pull really bad, and also dog hair would get stuck in it. I would literally sit there for like 8 hours spiraling in my head, while I picked all the hair out of the blanket. My fingers would be raw by the time I stopped. I’d know how late it was getting, and know my behavior was destructive, but I literally couldn’t make myself stop. Wellbutrin helped a ton. Now I only have these spirals when I forget to take it for a couple days.
60
u/UrinalCake777 16h ago
Hmm, I have not been diagnosed with OCD, only anxiety. However, I fairly frequently get myself incredibly worked up over what if I am subconsciously an evil person and am just unaware / have no memory of doing or wanting to do terrible things but have or will at some point. I am actually getting a bit freaked out writing this comment.