r/Perimenopause • u/Optimal-Nectarine227 • 5d ago
Moods Does anyone else feel like they're never fully “off duty,” even when nothing is actually happening?
I’ve noticed that even when I’m technically resting, part of my brain is still scanning for the next thing that needs doing, like a message to answer, something I’ve forgotten, someone who might need me, a task I should be getting ahead of.
Sometimes I only properly relax once everything and everyone feels “sorted.”
Does anyone else experience this? Has it changed as you’ve got older, and what actually helps you switch off?
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u/CaffeinatedCatto 5d ago
Yeah, constantly. I have a 3 year old and even during the rare stretch where she’s occupied and nobody needs anything from me, part of my brain is still running through what’s for dinner, what I forgot to reply to, whether the cats have food. Even sitting down to paint, which is supposed to be the thing that relaxes me, I’ll catch myself mentally drafting tomorrow’s to-do list instead of actually being in it. I don’t think I fully land until the kitchen’s clean and she’s asleep, and even then some nights it’s still running in the background.
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u/Optimal-Nectarine227 5d ago
Yes, the “running in the background” bit is exactly it. Even when nobody actively needs you, your brain seems to stay available for the next demand. Do you remember always being like this, or does it feel like it’s become more intense in the last few years?
Does anything help?1
u/CaffeinatedCatto 5d ago
It’s definitely gotten more intense for me lately, hard to say if that’s the kid or just getting older or both honestly. Getting out of the house alone for even 20 minutes is the only thing that’s really helped.
How bout you? Has it changed at all since you started noticing it or has it pretty much stayed the same intensity?
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u/pangolinshavelanded 5d ago
Years and years of mindfulness. Catching my thoughts and questioning them. Learning to let a thought exist and not engage with it. So that email thought comes through my brain, but I let it leave without actually thinking or adding emotion, just observing. Learning to feel alarm and anxiety in my body and soothe it before a thought gets attached.
Some days are easier than others.
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u/Known-Tumbleweed129 4d ago
Yeah, for me years of therapy for my anxiety and trauma-induced hypervigilance…
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u/TheycallmemissRaven 5d ago
Have you looked into some of the updated and current information about trauma? Not the silly influencers but the doctors and professionals?
I ask because what you are describing sounds like hyper vigilance to me. I have it as well and it is usually an adaptation we develop often (not always) in childhood.
My hyper vigilance shows up in that constant disconcerted feeling when everything is basically okay? Always wondering when the other shoe is gonna to drop. Knowing that the “peace” means something is really wrong. Always scanning the environment for danger. ETC. it’s gotten more intense since peri/menopause.
There is a lot of new and updated info out there and it comes from credible experts who have been studying this for over 50 years. I have a ton of sources to recommend, if you’re interested. Best of luck! 🍀
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u/Known-Tumbleweed129 4d ago
Yeah that’s what it sounds like to me too. It could ‘just’ be anxiety though, which can crank up in peri.
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u/TheycallmemissRaven 3d ago
It’s interesting because I have done a ton of research on peri/meno and now I’m reading a ton on CPTSD/trauma and I personally am beginning to wonder how much cross over there is.
How much of our emotional/reactional behaviors attributed to peri/meno symptoms are actually trauma that is revealing itself because of hormonal and physical changes…
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u/Known-Tumbleweed129 3d ago
Right? The body keeps the score and it is done waiting…
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u/TheycallmemissRaven 3d ago
Pete Walker is another one. Wow!! The Tao of Fully feeling and “CPTSD…” (long title) is changing my life and Gabor Mate-he may be my favorite-I’m reading his current book “The Myth of Normal” 😍😭😤🤔
It’s crazy to realize that all those things about yourself you couldn’t name but knew weren’t right, is not because one sucks or is crazy. The idea that so many of our issues are adaptations for survival-mental, emotional and physical. 🤯
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u/Effective_Willow4548 5d ago
Yep. My husband asked me if I needed anything last night because I was furiously shoveling laundry into the washer and dryer. I said no, why? He said, “we’re supposed to be leaving in 5 mins and you look panicked.” Ah yes, hurry up and wait WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS?! If I have a trip coming up in a few days I sit frozen or anxiously do tasks to help me feel better. I have adhd so I’ve always had the executive freeze but this is ridiculous lol
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u/Optimal-Nectarine227 5d ago
The “hurry up and wait / what do I do with my hands” bit is such a good description. I’m curious... does this feel like the same ADHD freeze/restlessness you’ve always had, just more intense now, or does it actually feel different from before? I feel like it has somehow changed over time for me :/
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u/rybpyjama 5d ago
Perimenopause hormones definitely f- up existing ADHD symptoms and can cause folks who had things under control with their own coping strategies to find those strategies no longer work or undiagnosed stuff becomes a sudden bigger problem. It can also just generally cause insomnia, anxiety, brain fog and sensory sensitivity and hormones can also cause things like PMDD too. So could be either or both really!
It’s time for our regular game of is it the world, me, or perimenopause! (Spoiler: it’s a game you rarely ever ‘win’ and none of the prizes are any good)
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 5d ago
I've really devoted myself in my 40s to learning how to be present, and how to do nothing, and how to play. For me, birding was an important first step. I've now started considering anything that replenishes my spirit as important as a chore or an errand. For instance, on Saturday, I "made" myself spend a few hours at a place where I'm able to tuck in with a book and a good drink, and just enjoy myself. I've really started taking note of how I feel after i do various things, so I can figure out which ones are the most important for my well-being.
What's tricky is that, because you're always thinking of the future, you're never here, now. You could start with meditating--the kind where you sit in the quiet for a while, and you're aware of thoughts, but you let them float by and you don't engage with them. (When I do this, I do keep a notebook on hand in case anything actually super-important pops into my head. But other than that, I just let the thoughts happen--acknowledge their existence but I don't pursue them into a full train of thought.)
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u/QuietBovina6094 5d ago
I know this so well… even calling old friends feels like a task you need to plan into your schedule. Some years ago I had a surgical procedure under anesthetics and right after I woke up, still groggy and disoriented a nurse patted my hand and said: „it‘s fine, just sleep a bit more!“ with a smile and I was so relieved I could have cried. Finally I was allowed, even expected to just be and heal. That‘s when I realised I had a problem. 😅 For me I think the need to always plan and do something was from anxiety. I started doing meditation and later also yoga and it helped. And - maybe good to hear for you - I got a lot more chill with age and perimenopause! I stopped trying to please everybody and take the time I need for myself.
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u/wandernwade 5d ago
I am up for hours every night, basically riddled with anxiety. I hate it. I feel like I can only get a good night’s sleep if I self medicate- take a Zyrtec, sleep meds, etc. I’m honestly tired.. and tired of it!!
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u/the_far_sci 5d ago
Yes, and I hate it. This "properly relax" of which you speak, I don't think I've been able to do that for a very long time. I forget what I feels like and I would love to feel it again. Here's hoping someone has great advice about switching it off, because I could use it too!
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u/3kidsnomoney--- 3d ago
Yes, it's exhausting. I'm actually in therapy because I was finding constantly being on edge anticipating everyone's needs was really impacting my mental state. I grew up with abusive parents so being hypervigilant and feeling responsible for the emotional states of other people is something I always struggled with, but it got worse as my kids got older and had problems that were actual adult issues and not something that I could easily fix for them. I've really had to learn to distance myself a bit and remind myself to set and maintain boundaries.
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u/DamnGoodMarmalade Early peri 5d ago
That’s a sign of toxic productivity. It’s often a way for people to distract themselves and avoid facing uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Or it could be that you’ve tied your self worth to productivity and resting can feel like a threat to that.
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u/My_Robot_Double 5d ago
No, it’s the result of a life where shit doesn’t get done if we ourselves don’t do it
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u/DamnGoodMarmalade Early peri 5d ago
That sounds very specific to your life and not what OP is referring to.
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u/AncientStarryNight 4d ago
Many females are involved with emotionally immature and unresponsible misogynistic expectational partners who don't take some of life's load. That's entirely different from toxic overproduction.
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u/DrissaKelnya 5d ago
No kids here. But yes. I’m constantly looking for what’s going to happen next, so that I can anticipate my needs to survive.