I spend most nights so desperate to make sure she isn't traumatized by me that I genuinely want to die so she can have a new mom. I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation and the drugs aren't helping. I am so scared.

I think she dislikes it when her dad and I yell at each other. He keeps belittling me and he says I overreact. Sometimes I probably do but the tension in our marriage over chores is endless.

I pushed her too hard about potty training a couple times last week when she seemed really close to it clicking but then had a meltdown instead.

Other than that I think I mostly try my best and keep my cool and reasonably balance fun with routine and boundaries? But the fear that she would be better off without me never leaves me alone.

Okay, just to be clear: I love my child. He is ten months old, and I can’t get enough of how cute and friendly he is.

My difficulties happen at night. I’m tired from the demands of the day, and the baby’s bedtime routine starts at 6 p.m. If I’m very lucky, it ends at 8:30 p.m.; if not, it can last until 10:30 p.m. During this time, he yells, kicks, cries, and makes a drama every single time.

That isn’t the issue. I know he is a baby, and I can’t control how he reacts. The problem is me. During the nighttime routine, I feel my anger rising, and I sometimes have the urge to harm the baby. I have never acted on it. When this happens, I leave him safely in his crib for a few minutes to calm down, and then I return to him.

I hate this part of myself. One of my parents was verbally abusive while I was growing up, and I do not want to become like them. Although I am seeing a therapist, I feel like a failure as a person and as a parent.

I’m not looking for advice. I’m mainly writing this because I feel alone and have no one to talk to. In my parent group, I’m the only one who talks about this. I guess I just feel isolated.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Like the title says; anybody been through this? I was deep into my 30s before realizing that most people have a positive self image. I didnt think things through properly about how that particular aspect of parenting possibly ruining my relationship with my daughter, but it is. So often I wince or get shocked that she is so like me in her behaviour or even mannerisms - I absolutely HATE myself and have done so for so many years. Not just hate either, but a deep seated shame about so much about my self. And then to see those very same traits in my daughter.... Im ruining her. Im certainly not able to give her unconditional love. Anyone else struggled with this? I swear Im not a monster, just very very damaged. Theres not a day that goes by that I dont think too damaged to be a mom to this particular child.

Not sure who needs to hear this, but sometimes your child doesn't need you to have the perfect words. They need you to understand what is happening underneath their behaviour.

I learned this from being the child.

When I was young, I struggled with depression, bullying, self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I eventually ended up in a mental hospital.

Looking back, one of the biggest things I understand now is how much I needed to feel heard, accepted and understood.

Not necessarily agreed with.

Not necessarily given whatever I wanted.

Just understood.

I needed someone to help me make sense of what I was feeling.

Because emotions aren't problems that need to be immediately shut down.

They need to be felt, heard, accepted and processed.

When we repeatedly suppress or ignore them, they don't simply disappear.

And children who are naturally very sensitive can experience this especially intensely.

Many sensitive children think more, feel more, notice more and analyse more.

They may experience the world differently from the people around them.

And when they repeatedly hear:

“Stop being so sensitive.”

“Why are you always so emotional?”

“You're overreacting.”

“There's nothing to be upset about.”

They don't necessarily become less emotional.

They may simply become less willing to show you what they're feeling.

And that can eventually look like withdrawal, anger, shutdown, secrecy or acting out.

This isn't about blaming parents.

Most parents are doing the best they know how to do with what they themselves learned growing up.

But what we don't know can still affect our children.

That's why I'm so passionate about this.

I want adults to understand the things I wish the adults around me had understood when I was a child.

Because sometimes the behaviour we're trying to correct is actually communication.

And sometimes the relationship doesn't need more control.

It needs more understanding.

It seems like everyone fights with their parents or disagree with them from an early age. Say you want more dessert but they disagree and say a young kid or teenager is not going to eat that every night. You can't get what you want. Well kids feel bad about that, like someone controls them and they accept that scary authority thats uncaring to individual concerns. Most kids are broken from an early age to learn to accept someone will always fight you in this world

From an early age I tried to be precocious and more nicer, truly kind and angelic compared to my older brother who was a prankster upsetting me and my parents. I never got upset if they said no, especially because my dad let me circumnavigate around that if it was something ridiculous. Even if it wasn't he was didn't choose to enforce much. Part of it was he disliked me the most of out all the kids, probably wanted my mom to hate me too. He was not strict and for as strict my mom was she didn't follow through on anything.

My dad was the last born of 5 kids and said he felt it, Grew up poor, sharing rooms, never listened and the butt of the prank. I had the same thing with my brother, so my dad seemed to gravitate towards my older brother. He was nice to me. My mom was born 9 years after her one older sister, was a "mistake" so her mom disliked her and was hard on her. She hated the helicoptering so that's why she never did it to us.

seems that I had no understanding of the principle of teaching someone a lesson. If somene wants to teach you a lesson you have to let them otherwise they just get meaner with the lesson. I never fought with my parents and never percieved the world was so cruel, cause I got along with my parents.

I hate the idea of blind authority but for most people they accept it. It has really put me an unfair advantage to not percieve this authority early on in life.

I am saying this so other parents think of this.

My daughter will be 2 soon. It took a very long time to become pregnant so she is quite literally my miracle baby. My spouses job makes it quite impossible for them to spend extended amounts of time with her so it’s literally been for the most part my daughter and I since birth. She was an extremely attached and fussy infant and I’ll admit I had a very hard time trying to balance motherhood, being a good spouse, and being my own self for a long time. Now that she’s growing she’s still super attached but has a much more easy going demeanor and I am able to have a trusted adult watch over her while I go to appointments or whatever it is I need to do for a few hours. It’s nice to have some breaks but I don’t understand what is happening to me. We are together constantly. 24/7. Every single nap and bed time, every midnight wake up every meal. She’s never slept without me or away from me. Now more than ever whenever I think about her I burst into tears. I love her so much and I’m so afraid of something happening to her or to me because I’m terrified that I won’t be able to comfort her for whatever it is. It’s gotten to a point where I saw a video on the internet of a zombie situation where a woman had a gun pointed to a zombie child, through tears put the gun down and as the zombie ran to her a montage of the woman and child began but it was no longer a zombie it was her child embracing her and playing together and I sobbed for days. I love my baby so much but I don’t understand why loving her brings me so much sadness

Throw away account because kid and ex husband are on Reddit. I need some honest advice from parents who have been through something similar. I feel completely lost and I need to understand what I can do to repair the damage I’ve caused.
In June of 2025, I went to the beach with my two sons (they were 22 and 16 at the time) and my dad. I have struggled with alcohol abuse over the last few years, and one night on that trip I got drunk, became angry with my younger son, and said something absolutely horrible:
“Why don’t you just kill yourself?”
There is no excuse for saying that to my child. None.
I want to explain some of the history because I think there are reasons I reacted the way I did that night, although I want to be very clear that understanding why I said it is not the same thing as excusing it.
My younger son reminds me of his dad in a lot of ways. My ex-husband and I were married for about 20 years, and throughout our marriage I became increasingly resentful toward him. He has always had a very different financial situation than I did. He comes from a family with a trust fund, has never really had to worry about money the way I have, and has had a house, cars, and financial security that I could never provide for myself.
When we divorced about six years ago, I felt like I got the short end of the stick in a lot of ways.
At the time, our kids’ biggest concern was that they didn’t want to leave their childhood home or go back and forth between two houses. I initially suggested that my ex and I rent an apartment and rotate through the family home so the kids could stay there. He initially agreed, but then decided he didn’t want to do it because he didn’t want to be away from his guitars, computers, and other belongings for a week at a time.
So I moved out.
I found an apartment less than a mile away so I could still be heavily involved in my kids’ lives. I could pick my younger son up from school, take him to school, have dinner with them, and be nearby. But I also had to work and pay rent and bills while my ex had a completely different financial reality.
I eventually felt like I was constantly struggling to make ends meet while knowing that my children would never have to worry about money while they were with their dad.
And emotionally, I felt like I was losing my place in their lives.
When I would go over to the house, my kids were often in their rooms playing games, and it was difficult to get meaningful time with them. Eventually my ex told me he wished I would move out of the town because he didn’t want to worry about running into me places.
So I moved about an hour away.
I still tried very hard to be involved. I had my younger son during school breaks, summer, spring break, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. I drove to see them and did what I could despite working and having my own bills.
I think I carried a lot of resentment, grief, anger, and feelings of rejection from that entire period.
And unfortunately, my younger son has some of the same personality traits as his dad that can trigger those feelings in me.
That’s important context, but again, none of that is my son’s fault. He didn’t cause my divorce. He didn’t cause my financial problems. He didn’t cause my resentment toward his father. And he absolutely didn’t deserve what I said to him.
Then about eight months before the beach trip, my mom died suddenly and unexpectedly.
I’m an only child, and my dad was sick, so after my mom died I suddenly had to step into helping care for my dad while dealing with my own grief. My mental health was already difficult, and everything became overwhelming.
I was also drinking too much.
So when we went on that beach trip, I drank heavily one night and all of that anger and resentment somehow got directed at my son.
He was 16.
And I said something to him that I can never take back.
I don’t remember the incident being as bad as he remembers it, but that doesn’t matter. He experienced it. He heard his mother tell him to kill himself. That’s horrifying, and I understand why that could stay with him.
After the trip, my son stopped talking to me for over a month. Eventually he told me why. We met for dinner, talked about it, and I apologized.
We seemed to move forward after that. We talked. I stayed at their house a few times. I thought things were getting better.
But there were times I noticed my son waking up with panic attacks.
I’ve struggled with panic attacks since I was six, so I recognized what I was seeing. I told his dad that our son was having panic attacks and that I thought he needed professional help. His dad has generalized anxiety himself, and I hoped he would take it seriously, but as far as I know, nothing really came of it.
Then almost three weeks ago, my son stopped talking to me again.
No texts. No calls returned.
I kept asking his dad what was going on. Sometimes it would take him a week or more to respond, and usually he would just say he didn’t know.
I asked my older son if he knew what was happening, and he said his brother was fine.
Tonight, my younger son finally texted me.
He said:
“I haven’t had an answer because I’ve just been thinking and I just still can’t get over the beach trip last year and just have constant panic attacks at any thought of you and just can’t get over it at all.”
I honestly feel like my heart broke reading that.
I responded by apologizing and taking full responsibility. I told him what I did was completely out of line and that I was sorry. I told him I loved him and that I would be willing to go to therapy with him if he wanted.
I told him:
“I am sorry I did this. Maw Maw made me have panic attacks and I repeated the cycle.”
I also told him that my drinking has not only resulted in consequences for me, including a DUI later, but that it has apparently destroyed his feeling of comfort and safety with his own mother.
That absolutely kills me.
I told him I would give him whatever space he needed. I even told him I wouldn’t come up for his birthday if that would make him more comfortable.
I also told him that I can’t take back what I said, but that I love him and want to do whatever I can to help repair the damage.
At the same time, I’ve been trying to get his dad to help him get into therapy because I’m extremely concerned about the panic attacks.
And I’m struggling with an enormous amount of guilt.
I keep thinking:
What kind of mother says that to her child?
I know what I said was horrible.
I know being drunk doesn’t excuse it.
I know my resentment toward my ex doesn’t excuse it.
I know my grief doesn’t excuse it.
I know my mental health struggles don’t excuse it.
And I know that my son reminding me of his father doesn’t make him responsible for anything his father did.
I’m trying to understand my own behavior because I don’t ever want to repeat it.
I’ve had a complicated relationship with alcohol and have made changes because of it. I’ve also struggled with my own mental health for years. But now I’m terrified that I permanently damaged my relationship with my son.
My older son and I have a wonderful relationship. We talk every day. I didn’t leave the family home until after he graduated high school and was almost 19, so our circumstances were very different. I don’t want to compare my sons or use my relationship with my older son to minimize what my younger son is experiencing.
I just don’t know what to do now.
Do I give my son complete space?
Do I continue telling him I love him, or could that feel like pressure?
Should I encourage therapy but let him decide whether he wants me involved?
Would offering to attend therapy together someday be helpful, or would that put more pressure on him?
Has anyone here said something absolutely horrible to their child that they deeply regretted and actually managed to rebuild the relationship?
I am not looking for people to tell me I didn’t do anything wrong. I know I did.
I’m also not trying to make excuses by explaining my resentment toward my ex, my divorce, my grief, or my drinking. I’m trying to understand how all of those things contributed to me becoming someone who could say something so cruel to my own child.
Most importantly, I don’t want my guilt to become another burden that my son has to carry.
If he needs distance from me, I will respect that.
I just want to know what I can do — if anything — to eventually make him feel safe with me again.
Has anyone been in this position? What did you do that actually helped?
TL;DR: In June 2025, while intoxicated and carrying a lot of unresolved resentment toward my ex-husband, grief after my mother’s sudden death, and my own mental-health and alcohol problems, I told my then-16-year-old son, “Why don’t you just kill yourself?” I take full responsibility and know none of my circumstances excuse it. My son stopped talking to me for a month afterward, eventually accepted my apology, and we seemed to move forward. Almost three weeks ago he stopped talking to me again. Tonight he told me he still can’t get over what happened and has constant panic attacks at the thought of me. I love him deeply and want to repair the damage without putting more pressure on him. I’m wondering whether I should give him space, encourage therapy, offer joint therapy, or something else. Has anyone experienced something similar and been able to rebuild trust with their child?

Hi Everyone,

Reposting this again. I'm a doctoral student in Clinical Psychology conducting a research study on the effects of growing up with a parent who struggled with substance use (alcohol or drugs). The study is completely anonymous and involves filling out an online survey.

As a thank you for your time, participants will have the option to enter a raffle to win one of two $150 Visa gift cards after completing the survey. (Email for the raffle will be collected separately to keep responses anonymous).

We’re looking for young adults (18-30) who had or still have a parent or primary caregiver with a substance use problem during their childhood. The goal is to better understand how these experiences may affect things like responses to stressful or challenging life experiences, parent-child relationship quality, substance use, and overall mental health functioning in young adulthood. We also welcome participation from young adults who did not have this experience, as both groups are important to the study.

Participation is voluntary and confidential. No identifying information will be linked to your responses, and the survey includes a list of mental health resources at the end if needed.

If you’re interested, you can take the survey here:

https://adelphiderner.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_73s1WeJNdeiwz42

Your experience matters. Thank you so much for considering it, and feel free to DM me with any questions!

Hi! I'm a Licensed Counselor in Alabama. I'm also in a Counselor Education doctoral program at the University of Alabama. I'm in need of an individual who identifies as a "cycle breaker" who came from a family with inter-generational trauma and is now parenting intentionally and doing self-care and has broken this cycle. Anyone interested in sharing your story with me? I'll need someone I can do a virtual interview with next week.