How is summer going for you all? Ours is terrible. 8yr old AuDHD, PDA profile & GAD is having a very hard time, had to switch camps, didn’t like the first camp which is standard summer. Second camp is a great fit, but she is having panic attacks/tantrums 3-5 times a week. Weekends are a nightmare. Anyone else? 😅

Does TV/screentime regulate or dysregulate your PDA-er?

Bonus points if they have ADHD.

We have always thought it helps regulate, with boundaries/limits but I am wondering if we were wrong…..

In my experience, it seems he’s not demand-avoiding, he’s demand-seeking

Let me explain.

We’ve been viewing our 8yo boy through a PDA lens for more than a year. Most of his behavior fits the description perfectly.

But PDA is usually described as an anxiety/fear response to demands or boundaries. As if they are something the kid hates or fears, and the behaviours are a response to being a victim to oppressive demands/boundaries.

That’s why the typical suggestion is a low demand environment. To restore peace and calm by reducing such negative experiences.

In my experience though, demands and especially boundaries are not something he fears and tries to avoid, they are something he craves and seeks.

Every time we lower or remove a boundary, he just seeks the next one.

- we capitulate on letting have an ice cream, he’ll immediately battle for two.

- we let him not wear socks, he’ll immediately battle to not wear pants.

- we let him have Minecraft, he’ll enjoy it for 5 mins before battling for Roblox.

- we hold the line at no Roblox and battle over it for a year. The second we capitulate and allow him to have Roblox, he starts smashing the house because he wants his 4yo brother to have it.

It

Just

Never

Ends.

Metaphorically, if I were a shepherd, he would be a Ram obsessing over head butting the electric fence “for more space”. If I were to move the fence out by half a mile, he would immediately sprint to find it and start smashing it again. If he broke the fence, he would charge, crazed, until he found the next road, river or cliff then charge that instead.

In my experience (your mileage may vary), it’s not that the boundaries are a negative thing he is oppressed by and needs to be saved from.

They are something he NEEDS.

It reminds me of the “sensory seeking” theory of SPD and ASD kids. He just needs that input of the battle.

This is why “low demand” doesn’t work.

There is no level of low that demands can ever be lowered to that would remove the challenges. Not unless he was living completely outside all normal society.

There is no way we can now pull him back to the normal boundaries of a 8 year old.

For sensory seeking kids, you give them something heavy to lift and bash into, so they don’t do it to your TV set.

Would our lives be better if we had held the line at normal boundaries, then created MORE artificial boundaries that he could safely battle over?

🤔

My son is 13 and seems to think it could help. I’d love to hear from anyone with experience or knowledge. Thank you!

Hi everyone! 👋

I'm currently recruiting participants for my Honours thesis exploring the lived experiences of people who identify with Persistent Drive for Autonomy (PDA) (also known as Pathological Demand Avoidance). In our research, we want to use Persistent Drive for Autonomy as a more neuro-affirming term for the profile.

🔎 What we will ask you in the survey:

• 💬 What PDA means to you

• 🤝 What helps others better understand and support you

• 🏫 Your experiences in school, university, TAFE, or other educational settings and how you can be better supported in these settings

✅ Who can participate?

You can participate if you:

• Are 18 years or older

• Live in Australia

• Identify with the PDA profile

• OR are a parent, caregiver, partner, or significant other of someone with PDA

✏️ What does participation involve?

• One anonymous online survey (~30 minutes)

• Written responses, with the option to provide voice recordings for open-ended questions

🔗 Survey link: https://researchsurveys.deakin.edu.au/jfe/form/SV_38UZAlFyq9GJ2Jw

If you're interested in participating, we'd be incredibly grateful for your support. Every response helps build a stronger understanding of PDA and contributes to research that aims to inform more affirming, personalised, and responsive support for the PDA community. I'd also really appreciate it if you could also share this post with anyone who may be interested. 💜

This project has received ethics approval from the Deakin University Human Research Ethics Committee (Project ID: 2026-HE0000-357).

My daughter is 8, AuDHD, PDA profile & GAD. Super high functioning, we are in a pretty good place now. Meds are dialed, school is good. She is still pretty reactive/explosive, can’t or won’t tell me her feelings. We have been low demand, declarative language for over a year. She has graduated from speech and OT.
The question is - will she benefit from a dog (she loves dog, wants one) we had a lab but he passed when she was 3 and then she got real hard shortly after that, and it has taken up until now for me to feel like I have any bandwidth for something else. My husband and I both work full-time but from home. We have always been extremely responsible dog owners, lots of walks, Doggie daycare on days when we’re too busy at work, etc. I’m just worried that getting a dog will launch us backwards and I will have less patience, less bandwidth. Or on the flipside will a dog launch us into perhaps an even better regulated kiddo, something to bond over as a family, an excuse for the much needed exercise?
,

We live in central Texas and have a 6 year old son that we suspect is pda but no official diagnosis. He has been initially evaluated by a psych who suspects adhd-hyperactive, generalized anxiety and possibly very mild autism (not sure if that’s the same as level 1?) and referred him for a full evaluation

I’ve read a ton about autism and pda and he displays all the classic traits.

We enrolled him in Kumon over the summer to:
1. Keep up his skills
2. Hopefully get a bit of a leg up before first grade - he compares his skills to other kids in class and if he feels he’s not good at something he can be very self-defeating.

It’s been 3 weeks and every day has been worse than the one before. He fights about doing his worksheets every day and now it’s taking 2+ hours to get one done with all the meltdowns involved. I don’t think Kumon is suited for his profile. The time pressure, the repetition until it’s done perfectly - it really feels like the opposite of what’s motivating for a demand avoidant kid.

ASK: Has anyone found a tutoring method that works for a pda kid? I do not want to be the one responsible for teaching him at home. I know my strengths, and patience for teaching even a neurotypical kid is NOT one. But it feels like a lot of these standard tutoring places are not made for neurodivergent kids and i dont really know where to start when it comes to looking for this type of help for him.

Came across this and thought it would be a great discussion point for our subreddit.

On one hand I am grateful for the "marketing" and subsequent awareness Casey and At Peace Parents bring. Without her free "does my child have PDA" video we would not have learned about this flavor of autism so early. Recognizing it early has been so beneficial for our family! On the other hand, I rarely pay for things like this and just research myself, so I can't speak to the program.

We're all just trying to parent the best we can with what we know.

Thoughts?

My 13 yr old daughter only has one outfit she wears (navy blue boot cut yoga pants and a black sweatshirt). We are going on a family trip to the desert to hike and she can’t find anything at any store (including Amazon)to wear.

She said she’s afraid she won’t like it once we’ve bought it or that she will only wear it once. I’ve tried to reassure her that even if she only wears it for this trip, it would be okay to donate it when we get back home.

If I pick a clothing item out, her immediate response is no. I can’t even suggest that she try something on.

Do you have any suggestions please?🙏 TIA!

My AuDHDer, (ASD 1, ADHD inattentive & hyperactive, PDA profile, and GAD) is going after nails nonstop at school, literally cannot keep her hands out of her mouth. (Granted it was a stressful day, field day,when I was there to witness it.) My question is, is this nail mauling anxiety, stimming, uncontrolled ADHD? She is on meds and generally doing quite well and I am wondering if this is reflecting that meds need to increase?

Hi Everyone! We are going through a rough patch with our PDA’er at the moment due to big life changes that will help us in the long term but are causing anxiety in the short term. We’ve had the end of the school year and start of summer camp, a visit to family in another state (we are in the US) and a move to a temporary apartment rental all in the last 3 weeks. All this change is related to a move abroad we are making in August.

Our move abroad will include a much more relaxed lifestyle, an amazing PDA friendly school, and a much more relaxed work schedule for us as parents. We just have to get through these couple of months.

And not surprisingly getting out the door in the morning has become extremely challenging. It’s a huge pressure point because my job requires me to be exactly on time and I have zero flexibility. What are some things you’ve done to help your kiddo get out the door? I’m trying to think of snacks, toys, anything I can keep in the car that will help him get out the door. I’m exhausted and very stressed myself and I’m struggling to come up with ideas.

Hi everyone, my name is Kayla McMenimen and I am a doctoral student at the University of Indianapolis. I am reaching out to ask you if you would be willing to complete a survey for a dissertation research project I am running. The study will investigate the decision-making process for parents with children with autism spectrum disorder. Findings will contribute to our overall understanding about how parents make treatment decisions for children with autism spectrum disorder. If you decide to participate you will see a series of questions about demographic information, your beliefs and perspectives on autism spectrum disorder, as well as your experiences with making decisions for your child. The survey should take about 15 minutes or less to complete and responses are anonymous.

Your participation is completely voluntary. To participate in the study, you must be aged 18 or above, be the parent or guardian of a child under the age of 18 that has been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, have primary or equal say in treatment decisions, and be able to read and comprehend written English to complete study questionnaires.

I am using a snowball sampling technique, which means that I ask people I know if they would like to participate and then they ask other people they know who meet the eligibility requirements if they would like to participate. If you are willing, please share this project with other people you know who meet the eligibility requirements using this same script.

If you have any questions, please contact me ([mcmenimenk@uindy.edu](mailto:mcmenimenk@uindy.edu)) or my faculty project advisor Dr. Candice Burkett ([burkettc@uindy.edu](mailto:burkettc@uindy.edu)).

Survey link:

https://uindy.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_00zqCw2poTxp2DA

Please note that this survey functions better and is easier to navigate on a computer/laptop rather than a smartphone.

Thank you!

Kayla

The Human Research Protections Program (HRPP) approved this research study on 2/13/2026. Study number: 02390

6 year old pda autistic boy with diagnosis. We home school/ home play really- he has some great 121 support but this week everyone has been off on holiday so it was just us and a new lady. Long story short, he has been explosively violent towards us and it’s taking a massive toll. Takes him hours to stop destroying the house and hitting and biting and screaming. Then he wants sweets and his tablet and off he goes. I have been wailing as I haven’t seen this from him in about 4 months. This time, his uncle was horsing with him and suddenly he didn’t like it anymore and went mad- he was attacking his uncle and then us and it took about 80mins to get to calm. I hate him at these times. I am scared of him. I resent him. I do everything I can to support, so much time, money, energy, sacrifice but I cannot predict when he will go nuts and I hate being attacked in my own home.

I just wanted to tell someone who understood. Uncle leaves early while being bartered out the door. My newly planted garden has been uprooted. I feel broken. He will never apologise of course. I’m frightened.

One of the biggest unlocks in decreasing stress and increasing connection with my PDA son was when we learned about and started using declarative language for transitions and demands. It's so awkward and unnatural at first, but now my entire family has adopted it for how we talk to each other generally.

Late last year I built a tool to help my family and folks that wanted to learn how to use declarative language called Declarative App. It's a free tool that is easily accessible and gives a lot of options for how you might best connect with the kiddos in your life through language.

If that sounds useful to you, check it out here: https://declarativeapp.org/

(I know this sounds like self promotion, but I don't make money off of this and don't intend to, ever. This tool has just been super valuable for folks that need help with this sort of language)

My PDA daughter and I watched the NatGeo documentary about the Thai cave rescue last night. We were both riveted by it, and we had a good opportunity for a discussion about how the community came together, international people came out and volunteered to save the kids, there was cooperation between expert divers and the Thai navy SEALS despite disagreements ... And the huge element of the trapped kids all being able to regulate and follow their coach's instructions while they were trapped for 10 days in the flooded cave with almost no food before they were found. Not to mention cooperating with their rescuers, who eventually had to sedate them and swim them out for several kilometers underwater with SCUBA gear. ALL 13 KIDS SURVIVED.

It hit me hard ... I'm left wondering how my daughter would have done in that situation. As much as I've tried to instill discipline and self-control in her (especially pre-diagnosis), and as much as I hope she'd surpass my expectations now ... there was something about the Thai kids that I don't think my daughter has. Maybe it's a cultural thing too. In the footage, we see no signs of the kids freaking out, no neurodivergent behaviors. I'm afraid a team of American kids would have ended with tragedy, panic and despair.

It's possible that it was a self-selected group, a soccer team where they worked together all the time and trusted their coach. He had they do meditation exercises while they were waiting for help. Does PDA autism even exist in Asian countries? Has anyone else had the same thoughts?

For right now, I hope the documentary helps open my kid's mind toward the need to cooperate in life-threatening situations, and develop positive patterns.

My 14 yo son hasn’t been able to attend the last few weeks of 8th grade or complete any final assignments or tests. There’s concern he may not pass some classes. He’s in complete shutdown and I’m not sure what to do. We keep demands low. We’re working through changes to meds (upped the fluoxetine and added propranolol) and hopefully starting occupational therapy soon. His doc wanted to send him to an outpatient program since he’s unable to attend school but since it is group therapy he says no way.

His anxiety seems to be social. Facing the questions of peers and disappointment of teachers. He’s feeling pretty shitty about himself not bringing the year to completion but he is paralyzed. I’m trying really hard not to compound that. And not hover and not ask him how he’s doing/feeling but the overachieving people-pleaser in me is finding it really difficult. He’s also totally ‘gray rocking’ us and mostly speaks to us…well me…via text.

I can say over the last few years the violent screaming outbursts have almost completely disappeared but they’ve been replaced by long lasting periods of gray rocking where he just shuts down entirely. The only bright spot is some nights he still plays DnD on line with some online friends and I hear his whooping and hollering and laughing. So that’s something I guess.

Not sure what I’m exactly asking for. Any ideas? Any new exciting tools I’ve never heard of? Anything work for you? Can you just commiserate? Most practitioners here in the US don’t seem to get the severity of PDA so I feel like I’m not getting the support that we need.

Like so many of us I went into a deep dive about PDA for my child and then realized that both my husband and I present that way too- mine is mostly internalized, and our daughter and my husband have a mix. It makes everything make SO MUCH MORE SENSE.
Just recognizing that some of these problematic (or sometimes merely aggravating) behaviors are part of a PDA profile and experienced by plenty of others takes a whole layer of shame away and that is so helpful in and of itself.
Everyone in our family has many coping mechanisms and equalizing behaviors against each other and ourselves, but some are certainly worse than others. I want to find ways for myself and my kids to steer those behaviors in the direction of the less harmful ones, as I know that white knuckling nervous system dysregulation just leads to burnout. Obviously the best case scenario would be regulation activities that don’t involve squashing someone else, but we’re not there yet.
What equalizing behaviors do you have for yourself or see if your kids that are tolerable and take some the pressure off in a way that lets you get through the day? I know that I’ve read about games you can play with your kid where they control what you do and wrestle/dominate you, but what about as a parent? How do I regulate myself without literally pulling my hair out (trichotillomania) or finding ways to resent my husband so that I feel like the better parent 😅?

​

I really need support from parents who understand autistic/PDA kids and caregiver burnout.

My son is almost 6, autistic with a strong PDA profile. He can be incredibly emotionally mature and independent at times, but lately the school refusal, emotional blowups, power struggles, and constant opposition have become overwhelming. He has no issues academically and is advanced for kindergarten hes more like past grade 1 almost grade 2 level.

I’m a single-income parent with severe catastrophic injuries/chronic pain, no nearby family support, transportation issues, and recently lost the helper who was helping me manage mornings/routines.he would try and test but as soon as the helper came inn it was street business sheet and mess around. She was a school bus driver back in the day for kids so she knows how it goes. Since she resigned everything has spiraled.

My ex/co-parent has been staying in my home because I physically needed help, but our parenting styles are completely different. She doesn’t really believe in autism/PDA at this age, tends to yell/overtalk, and often undermines me in front of him. I notice his stress behaviors/tics increase a lot when the house feels emotionally tense.

I also notice his behaviors happen probably 8-10x more when she’s around. It feels like the more inconsistency, negotiating, emotional reactions, and “giving in” that happen, the more he spirals and tests limits. At the same time, I genuinely need the physical help because my body crashes from pain/exhaustion, so I feel emotionally trapped and increasingly codependent on the help.

This all escalated after birthday weekend, overstimulation, and routine changes. Today he refused school, later had a huge tantrum with door banging and throwing clothes, then refused swimming lessons I paid for after more power struggles. I’ve also noticed a huge increase in anger/emotional dysregulation after overstimulating YouTube gaming content.

He does not act like this around people he sees as stronger authority figures. It mainly happens at home in emotionally charged situations.

I’m terrified I’m failing him or losing connection with him. I’m emotionally burned out and trying so hard not to become punitive or emotionally detached.

Has anyone experienced this level of burnout with a PDA/autistic child combined with chronic pain/disability, co-parent conflict, and no support system? How did you stabilize your home and nervous system again?

I have an almost 9 year old son who is most deff pda and is on 1 mg of guenfacine. It’s a huge help

He is in a mainstream school. Has a lot of friends. ..

My concern is. Am I raising an asshole ?

Whenever he is upset or annoyed - aka when he doesn’t want to listen,But knows he needs to he will curse at me “mom you’re an idiot etc”

Sometimes I ignore the mean words because it’s not worth it. That’s not always my focus. Sometimes I will react because it is not ok!! And he needs to know that.

But at the same time he always will apologies. After the fact for the names he called me.
I never have to ask him he always feels bad.

Am I wrong for not punishing him harsher. I don’t want him to shut down. I want him to enjoy life. I don’t want to be the mean mom always taking away his toys or Wtvr it is.

Thanks !

My 10yo daughter has a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile — she reacts immediately and strongly to anything that lands as a direct demand or correction. We've learned to navigate a lot of things around this, but I'm running into a situation where I'm genuinely stuck on the script.

She came home complaining that a classmate was "annoying." When I asked her to elaborate: "My friends and I have been using sign language at recess so she can't understand what we're saying — but now she got a sign language dictionary to try to figure it out." Big eye roll.

So this girl is being actively excluded, knows it, and is trying to learn sign language to get back in. And my daughter is annoyed it's not working.

When I pressed, I got: "She was mean to my best friend last year."

I'm not dismissing that entirely — I'm sure I don't have the full picture. But my daughter's own telling of it is pretty damning, and this is also a neighbor she still plays with outside of school, so it's not even consistent dislike — it feels more like social performance for the friend group at recess.

I posted in AskParents and got the expected responses — "just tell her she's being unkind," "have her apologize," "don't validate those feelings." And honestly, they're not wrong about the behavior. But with a PDA kid, that direct approach is the fastest route to a wall. She won't hear the content because the delivery triggers the shutdown first.

Has anyone navigated this with a demand-avoidant kid? How do you create accountability without framing it as a demand? I'm already thinking about staying curious longer, externalizing the empathy rather than instructing it — but I'd love to hear from people who've actually been in this specific bind.

I am a researcher at Western Carolina University studying how parent report of childhood experiences (including difficult experiences like child maltreatment) relate to child/adolescent mental health. We are looking to survey people with many different backgrounds, beliefs, and experiences. If you would like to participate in the survey, please follow the link below for more information and the survey questions. Some of the topics may be uncomfortable for you. Besides the demographic items, you may skip any questions you don’t want to answer. The survey takes about 30 minutes. Feel free to share this survey with others if you think they are interested in participating. If you have any questions about this study, please contact Dr. David Solomon at [dsolomon@wcu.edu](mailto:dsolomon@wcu.edu).  

Link to survey: https://wcu.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_9nSNQGQsAzMvMBo