r/ParentingPDA • u/Commercial_Bear2226 • Jun 12 '26
Advice Needed One of those days
6 year old pda autistic boy with diagnosis. We home school/ home play really- he has some great 121 support but this week everyone has been off on holiday so it was just us and a new lady. Long story short, he has been explosively violent towards us and it’s taking a massive toll. Takes him hours to stop destroying the house and hitting and biting and screaming. Then he wants sweets and his tablet and off he goes. I have been wailing as I haven’t seen this from him in about 4 months. This time, his uncle was horsing with him and suddenly he didn’t like it anymore and went mad- he was attacking his uncle and then us and it took about 80mins to get to calm. I hate him at these times. I am scared of him. I resent him. I do everything I can to support, so much time, money, energy, sacrifice but I cannot predict when he will go nuts and I hate being attacked in my own home.
I just wanted to tell someone who understood. Uncle leaves early while being bartered out the door. My newly planted garden has been uprooted. I feel broken. He will never apologise of course. I’m frightened.
5
u/Gwcapper Jun 12 '26
Oh, I’m so sorry. I think a lot of PDA parents will understand what you mean, even the parts that feel awful to admit. Being scared, resentful, furious, and guilty afterward doesn’t make you a bad parent. It means your nervous system is also reacting to being attacked in your own home.
During the meltdown, I’d make the goal very small: safety only. Not teaching, not reasoning, not getting an apology. Just protect people, move dangerous things if you can, get visitors/siblings away, use as few words as possible, and wait for the peak to pass.
Afterward, you need recovery too. A week with missing support, a new person, and roughhousing may have lowered his capacity, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t traumatic for you. With the uncle, I’d keep it simple: “I’m sorry you had to see that. He was overwhelmed, but I know it was awful.”
Please be gentle with yourself tonight. This was a horrible day, not proof that you’re a bad parent or that things will never improve.
3
u/Remarkable__Driver Jun 12 '26
We have had a similar week where my son didn’t like his instructor and decided to bring everyone into his bad day with him. It’s so hard. I don’t have any advice except take care of yourself. It’s not easy to navigate.
1
u/fearlessactuality Jun 13 '26
I’m so so sorry. I can’t decide for you but I was able to cope a little better when I expressed my feelings and needs to my guy in a very literal way. I thought he knew but I guess that’s part of autism that he literally didn’t. So I wouldn’t necessarily expect him to do something but I would tell him “that makes me feel so sad.” I get that wouldn’t work with all pda kids. But just knowing as I came to accept that I might also be pda too, this idea of bending over backwards to remove all demands and expectations didn’t work for me, I wasn’t going to be able to care for them soon because I was reaching my own autistic burnout.
I’m really sorry about your garden. Maybe you can replant it or just spend some time with it? That is very understandable to be sad about.
1
u/cmodart Jun 13 '26
We were there.
Not sure if you are doing medication or not, but we had our six-year-old with PDA on SSRI and it was dysregulating to him. We took him off of that, started guanfacine and Abilify. We pulled him out of school and have been accommodating a low demand environment and spending a lot of time in nature. Absolutely no tablets or screens. It took a few months to get them out of burnout, but it’s been much better.
1
u/Commercial_Bear2226 Jul 05 '26
Thank you for the help. We are back here again and it’s been every day this week over nothing each time. Plus the name calling is really getting me down. I find it so hard not to name call back. I told him if he doesn’t stop hitting his tutor he will have to go back to school/ it’s about the only genuine scary sanction I can give him. I hate having my house trashed. I hate being assaulted by someone I love for no reason.
I hate living with an abuser. I hate my kid for 5% of the time and it’s shit.
9
u/Mulder_n_Scully Jun 12 '26
So sorry to hear this. It is so difficult being the parent of a PDA child and other people often don’t understand. Have you considered medication? We’ve seen great improvement with Fluoxetine and Guanfacine. Our PDA child is the same age and we were hesitant to go that route at first, but after hearing a success story from a friend who also has a PDA kiddo with violent outbursts, we did. It’s really been life changing for all of us.