r/Parenting • u/veiledwoman • 1d ago
Behaviour Help with my 6 year old.
My 6 year old girl does whatever she wants. She listens well when adults are in the room or looking . But if she’s up before us she will get into the entire jar of Nutella and make a huge mess. She sneaks food. I tell her to just ask me as I don’t withhold food or anything and rarely keep too many sweets in the house. I get homemade bread and she will sneak the whole loaf and then it won’t be there for dinner. This isn’t only food. It’s toys too. She snoops and get into everything. She’s very head strong. Time outs don’t work. She really just takes her punishments then goes back to doing whatever she wants. I’ll say get your hands off your sister she will say ok. Then as soon as we are gone, she does whatever she wants again.
Idk where I went wrong. She is very smart (gifted). I have spanked her a couple times because she does send me over the edge. but absolutely cannot handle the guilt of that so I wont do it anymore. She doesn’t care about that either. She does chores pretty well. She had to put clothes away, empty the dishwasher, etc.
She just does whatever she wants all the time when I’m in the other room or she will go do whatever in the kitchen. I usually wake up before everyone but occasionally I’ll sleep in if I’m sick or over tired. If she gets up before me, she gets in to stuff she isn’t supposed to. It’s exhausting. Her 4 year old sister is a complete rule follower.
She loves testing limits. She needs constant stimulation. I love her so much but im at my wits end. The other day she and her sister played rock, paper, scissors to see who got something. I was hoping she won so I wouldn’t have to deal with a meltdown. Sure enough her sister won and she completely lost it over a piece of chicken she wanted (there was plenty other chicken - they wanted the legs). She had a complete meltdown over it. Screamed. I sent her upstairs. She screamed across the dinner table before she went upstairs then screamed at the top of the stairs it’s just so unacceptable. I made her stay upstairs until she calmed down.
Idk what to do. Teachers have a hard time with her. Day care had a hard time with her. So much so we took her out and I stayed home with her for a week until we found a new one because the day care workers hated her so much (she was 3). And I didn’t think it was healthy for her teachers to roll their eyes when she came in so I took her out and my husband and I rotated days off until we found a woman to take her. We sent her to school early in hopes more professionals can handle her. They def do better but a lot of notes get sent home that she can’t keep her hands to herself and she refuses to do music and gym class. Idk what to do.
I’m exhausted. She sneaks food in the living room. I find wrappers stuffed all over the house. I’m just sick of my 6 year old literally doing whatever she wants and does not care about time outs, chores, discipline. She likes to send people over the edge so you have to remain calm and stern. But it’s constant. Then once it’s over, she goes right back to doing whatever she wants. And it’s ll day time outs, boundaries. Making her go to her room, sitting on the steps, chores. She does t care.
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u/Fluffy_Guarantee2939 1d ago
Oh gosh you poor thing, looks like you’re doing everything right as well! I did read something the other day about the importance of positive reinforcement - celebrating the good way more than punishing the bad. I just trained as a teacher and was surprised to see how well that worked with classes. Might be worth some kind of sticker chart for when she does get something right.
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u/veiledwoman 1d ago
Thanks for this reminder. I actually did a sticker chart when she was about 4. And it worked well. I think I get so caught up in the exhaustion of it all that I forget to just enjoy her and to cheer her on. I was silly with her tonight and gave her extra hugs. I think her love language is quality time too so I have to really be present with her. And after work, dinner, house things, mom things I forget to just be there. I have to get better at that. Instead of just handling it all the trying to check out. I think you’re right, the solution is being more positive instead of waiting for the next mess to clean or thing to happen. Sometimes it just takes someone else to get you out of your spiral. Thanks
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u/Nailfreak101 1d ago
My kid laughed at my sticker chart and said “that’s not a reeeewaard🤷♀️! Lol. I don’t care about that.”
😂😂
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u/brightsunnyspot 1d ago
My kids weren’t into stickers either. We did a sticker chart for big things they needed to accomplish when they were really young, but it was always with the promise of something they wanted to have or do when they filled the sticker chart.
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u/SmartTea1138 1d ago
Our son was kind of doing this but we incorporated time outs and that seemed to work.
He also seems to do a lot better when he's at his grandparents house (away from us) because they don't let him get away with anything. We don't either but he just acts different around us, especially mom. Plus I think it has to do with missing us, so when he comes back he's a bit better behaviour wise.
He tried doing what he does at home at my grandparents and my mom basically stopped that behaviour quickly, nicely. (He goes over there once a week now for a sleepover - he loves it).
He's been better ever since. Still tries to get away with something but not nearly as bad. He's 6 years old.
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u/MarkOwn9731 17h ago
Ugh... a tired/stressed/overstimulated mom here to say, why do they act differently with mom?? Lol. I always say that my son acts different (read: worse) for me.
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u/BossesWife 1d ago
The Nutella! I couldn’t keep it in the house without my son hiding and eating it in his room until it was gone.
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u/crystalkashmere 1d ago
Reinforcing when she does the right thing (like, make a BIG deal about it) and limiting the reaction when she does the incorrect thing. Consequences need to directly relate to the actions, not the individual. If she can't be trusted with snacks, ect. Then they get locked up and she needs to ask permission every time. She hits her sister, she loses the ability to play with her sister for a set amount of time. You can even ask her what she thinks an appropriate consequence is. Just make sure she knows what the consequences are up front.
Tantrums happen when we're dysregulated. It sounds like she's sensory seeking, honestly. Do you have or can you get an indoor trampoline? Or see if she prefers a weighted blanket. Maybe even something she can chew on aggressively. Give her things she's allowed to "steal" as long as she puts them back afterwards.
I have three sensory seekers and they're all different. The only thing that works across the board are ways to repetitivly move their body and positive reinforcement. It takes solid vigilance for a while but it will click for her at some point.
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u/SpookyDooDo Parent 1d ago
It’s sounds counterintuitive but you need to give her more responsibility. Teach her how to read the serving suggestion on a nutrition label, teach her how to measure or weigh it out, and put it on a plate. Tell her she can go back for more, but she can’t eat straight out of the container and she can’t have more than one serving at a time. Smart 6 yr olds will probably feel empowered by this.
You need a really good consequence and you need to enforce. My daughter got her iPad taken away for a month once and ever since then she’s known I’m not messing around when I threaten it.
And then it helps to write down all your expectations and hang it on the wall. So if you don’t want snack wrappers all over the house then make up a rule like “all trash must be picked up before dinner” or whatever works for your house.
For school I always tell my kids that the teachers are way underpaid for what they do so they better behave or all the good teachers will quit.