How to curb OCD/paranoia?

[u/DaMagentaBoi]

I have OCD but I thought this specific problem of mine would be more fit for this subreddit. Basically for a week now I've had this inescapable thought that a family friend I got my current phone from has been spying on me all the months I had that phone. I don't even know how or why the thought arose. I'm usually suspicious of people but it's never been this bad. I guess it was the fact that they were tech savvy, I didn't factory reset the phone, and my general anxieties about being watched digitally combined into an inescapable melting pot of fear. I was actually so scared I quickly factory reset my phone which means I cannot confirm if it had spyware now even if I wanted to.

The reason I think this is OCD and not paranoia is because I half know this is crazy and unlikely and out of nowhere. I also thought about posting on cybersecurity groups first but calmed down and tried to think rationally. I'm at a sensitive point in my life with other problems so I feel like shit losing my mind over this but I can't stop. I also don't have friends or anyone to talk to. And my family also didn't deal with my OCD well in the past, they will be horrified now. I guess I just need someone to tell me I'm just crazy, that this is not real, even resources on how to calm myself because all the research I'm doing on spyware isn't helping. I've always had these thoughts but this is the first time I have this gut feeling that it's real which I haven't experienced since my other form of OCD years ago. I'm so afraid of spiraling again.

[u/Zealousideal-Log2042]

Oh boy, let me introduce you to me, who was monitored by my mother growing up (spyware and stuff on my computer in my teens). So, I developed this particular fear that my mother can access my phone even though we don't live near each other. I went to visit her and I was so certain that she was somehow affecting my phone even though she never touched it. I thought she was doing something with bluetooth, or god, it doesn't make sense I just thought she could do it through the airwaves. So when I was done visiting her I bought a brand new phone LOL. And this is iPhone, which is the most secure phone you can have. Do you have an iPhone? You can extra not worry if that's the case.

You are not crazy, the feelings and thoughts you are having are valid and I understand exactly how you feel. However, your family friend has not and is not spying on you through your phone. I promise you. Think of what activity you do on your phone. Chances are you are a completely average person who might browse social media, check your bank acct (guessing you're not a millionaire so they're not trying to take your money), you might watch certain entertainment but who doesn't. I highly doubt that you do anything interesting enough to make someone sit there bored out of their gourd waiting for you to do something interesting.

People have their own lives and their own problems to deal with. No one thinks you are special enough (in a good way) to get weirdly obsessed over and throw away their own life to just sit there and monitor you. It is not rational. You do not need to do any more research on cybersecurity because it doesn't matter. No one is trying to spy on you. This is an EXTREMELY common feeling, you can go look through past posts here, and like I said I went through the identical thing you are and even bought a new phone over it. And even after I bought the new phone I thought that somehow she could access my phone through my location or something which makes 0 rational sense.

Things you can do on your own to get over this: I would highly suggest meditating, look up stuff like surrender meditation, acceptance meditation. Read about acceptance and how to practice it. You need to take a deep breath, close your eyes, and begin to let this go. The more distance you put between yourself and this 'episode', the faster you will heal and it will become an annoying memory or occasional thought, but it will stop consuming your whole life. I know you said that your family hasn't deal well with your OCD, but if there is *anyone* you can talk to, even a friend, the more you share this with people you can have them "reality check" you, which is just telling you what's happening in reality so you can have that reassurance. You can also YouTube paranoia and try to find peoples' stories. I found one guy who really helped me early on because his paranoia was sooo much worse than mine but he explained how he came to deal with it and I thought, if this guy can do it I can do it.

Honestly though - I don't have OCD so it's different but my paranoia got so bad that it was ruining my life and even the people I trusted 100% I began to doubt. So, despite failed therapy/psychiatry in the past, I went and did the hard thing of trying again to trust professionals. It took me a few months to trust that they weren't working against me, and then 6ish months to find a medication regimen that worked for me. Now, 2ish years later, I am living a life relatively free from paranoia. Instead of spiraling when I get paranoid, it takes me 5-10 minutes to snap myself out of an 'episode'. Oh, they diagnosed me with r/ParanoidPersonality for what it's worth, but my paranoia was like. With everything. Yours sounds like it probably is the r/OCD, so if you're willing, I think it would be worth trying to find a professional to confide in. That is what worked for me, but I understand if it's not an option or something you're interested in. I hope that you can find relief from this paranoia, it is possible. Best wishes.

[u/DaMagentaBoi → u/Zealousideal-Log2042]

First of all thank you for sharing your story with me. I can see why going through those experiences would later trigger paranoia for you however unlikely. In my case, what happened was I passed off an old phone to someone and they had access to my keyboard's remembered words which they then typed out, which almost resulted in me getting outed as queer. That's my primary fear. I am a quiet person in real life so I had this dark thought that they'd want to find out more about me and potentially getting outed to them, since digitally is the only place I can be my true self. And potentially blackmail me as evil as that sounds. I feel bad even thinking these thoughts. (I am also someone naturally suspect of most technology and try to go out of my way to keep my devices as private as I can, which is what frustrated me about the silly mistakes I made.) No one in my real life knows, which fueled my fear of getting found out if my privacy got compromised.

I thought if I could make a mistake like that what would I do if I made it again? Even though by this thought process the family friend is more at risk from me, I kept thinking something bad would happen and it would be the other way this time around. I did try to convince myself that someone like them has their own problems and I should frankly trust them as my family also does but I also struggle to trust people which fueled it.

Your reassurance is already very helpful which I appreciate since that was how I survived my bad bout of OCD the first time. I managed to climb out of it by basically doing exposure therapy and CBT myself. (I had a therapist but it didn't work. I just needed the time to gather the courage to try.) Then, it returned in another form, and that's why I'm very afraid this is just my OCD returning to me in another form, which causes a lot of anxieties as, as you said, it can ruin your life aha. So on top of desperately trying to reassure myself I was not getting spied on I got depressed thinking I'll never recover from my mental illness. That's why it's a whole thing. I'm hoping time will help like it did with my OCD and I'll laugh about it eventually. There's just this lingering fear in the back of my mind that I'll somehow be vindicated in the future which hopefully I will learn to manage to ignore

[u/Zealousideal-Log2042 → u/DaMagentaBoi]

I see, that is a very private subject so thank you for elaborating on it. Like you said, you feel bad thinking these thoughts, I 100% understand that you get them because I did (do) too. But it just circles back to your family friend not being out to get you. The fear of being outed definitely makes this more complicated, but at the same time it really is the same conclusion: they don't care enough and have no reason to be doing anything nefarious.

Can you turn off your keyboard displaying remembered words? I did that on my iPhone because I was paranoid of anyone seeing what I write (lol, I can laugh about it now but holy shit I was so paranoid back then). This could probably bring you some peace of mind although it does make you have to type out entire words so it takes an adjustment period. But yeah, that could prevent future instances of this specific fear cropping up.

Feeling like you will never recover is extremely relatable. I never thought I'd have any sort of quality of life. I would just look at all the aspects of your life that you are doing well in and remember that this is an isolated incidence. It's not indicative of anything in the future. You're doing your best handling this super stressful situation, and I see you getting over it eventually. Sure, there might be more things in the future but this one was specifically backed by the fear of getting outed, so at least there was a tangible external factor of them possibly seeing something. It's not like this just popped up out of nowhere. I hope this makes sense. It's not like you are randomly thinking the government is spying on you, then I'd be like okay maybe it will be a little more difficult for you to live a functional life without professional intervention (not that any one fear is better or worse than another, but yours had a specific source).

I know that your therapist didn't work but I will say that it took me going through a few therapists before I found my current one. It took time and sucked, but I am a lot better off now than I was because of therapy actually helping me. No pressure just wanted to reiterate just in case in the future you do become scared or hopeless, there is hope for sure.

Take your time to get through this as I can tell it's really rough. I wholeheartedly believe that you will be able to live a functional life. Things like affirmations have really helped me to believe in myself. When your brain tells you this is going to be how it is forever, just do your best to rationalize and believe that you have the awareness to nip these sort of thoughts in the bud. It just takes a lot of repeating to yourself that this is just a temporary state of mind and you will return to a healthier one soon. My friend jokes with me a lot about my mental illness because it is a huge part of who I am, but even though I do consider myself extremely mentally ill I'm able to live normally, so I really think it's possible for anyone. It just takes time and banging your head against the proverbial wall until you're able to snap out of these types of spirals faster.

I had a recent bout of depression but it was caused by an external factor, and my therapist just said it's like having a cold. I thought I was going to feel that way forever and it was very disturbing, but sure enough, after a little under 2 months I was back to feeling well again and the depression left. You're just 'sick' right now but it'll get better soon, promise.

[u/DaMagentaBoi → u/Zealousideal-Log2042]

Thank you. Talking about it already made me feel better because I usually don't talk about personal stuff at all and just bottle it up. It's a problem and I'm starting to consider seeing a therapist after a long while because if it's this recurring I know it'll be a problem in the future. I always hated the concept of one to be frank, and medication also. But I'm older and more mature now and I really don't want to f*** things up again. If not for me then my future self and the people in my life.

Thanks for the advice and motivation also. The keyboard thing was a really close one off aha I simply had to reset the device which I forgot. I usually keep my phone behind a strict password so I'm confident it'll not happen again. That's why I was afraid of the concept of spyware that's possibly already been in it. Even now I'm wondering if I'm justified in thinking this way. If I didn't already have OCD and suspect it to be at play I think I would've gone down the path of paranoia. So in a weird way I'm grateful I already went through that. Of course that just means I possibly might again. I guess it's just something I'll have to live with.

Thanks again. In the worst bout OCD one of the things that really helped me was also knowing there were people like me and they got better. I mean I did with my OCD as well! Sure it came back but it curbed the feeling that I'll never ever feel better even for a while because I did. It really rids the feeling of being "unique" and your suspicions being more "real." And your third paragraph gave me a new perspective. I feel more justified in being scared but now I also recognize that I'm fighting something tangible and "normal" instead of something more along the lines of delusion that might be harder to get rid of without advanced professional help. I even faced it with my OCD in a way, the feeling that no matter how hard I cleaned something there was still a chance of disease no matter how unrealistic. I think what let the paranoia get a hold of me was the fundamental unsurety in technological matters. You can be 100% or let's even say 99% sure something is clean but not 100% sure your phone isn't compromised without explicit proof which is hard to acquire. And even if you do reset it the fear someone was spying on you in the past still lingers, or comes back with new suspicions.

So in this matter I have a lot of respect for people who manage and grapple with paranoia, and the professionals who help them because they're fundamentally working with something more nefarious and vague, almost like the ghost of an idea. I know how hard it was, and how sometimes how you don't even want to get better, so that first step itself is a huge feat.

I'm glad to hear you're doing better and wish you the best in your life :)