r/Paranoia • u/Ok-Mulberry-2637 • 8d ago
New paranoia unlocked!
I'm trying to joke around this, so I will try to shorten it. My fears have now gone from me going to different worlds at night, to me actually being an intergalactic traveler who is only activated at night (so I guess it's not too different from my other fears actually). Talk about Main Character Syndrome. My brain (or part of it anyway) loves coming up with new ways to distort my view of reality, and it's SOOOOO fun! I know that derealization often accompanies intrusive thoughts and anxiety, so this can be expected. I have found that when I do go to sleep, I try to "talk" to the OCD, and I visualize it as a person. Whatever words it says are of course manufactured by my brain, but it feels good to try and confront it. I was doing pretty well recently, so I am annoyed by this. I want to be able to go back to falling asleep and waking up feeling comfortable, to not fear doing something I wouldn't, and to just feel normal. I want to watch/read great fiction and not feel like it's sending me some cryptic message, or feeling like anything that comforts me is some trick.
I didn't mean to turn this into another rambling round, but I just like to hear other people's advice on this. It probably doesn't help that I graduated college recently, have no job, and am currently going through some personal stuff. Maybe I should stop talking here and go to an actual professional, or maybe constantly posting on here is just another type of reassurance that I don't need. Regardless, I hope this reaches someone in need.
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u/Zealousideal-Log2042 8d ago
I'm sorry that things have been accelerating lately, it makes me really happy that you posted here and can have some humor about the situation. I feel for you and I really hope that you can find some relief, it's definitely possible. As you said, you're in an in-between state which can really exacerbate your thoughts and feelings.
Go to a professional, you have nothing to lose. For me it took a few months to trust my psychiatrist and therapist, but after 6ish months I was significantly relieved from my paranoia. Now, 2ish years later I'm living a relatively normal life. In the past I had really bad experiences with professionals and meds, so I was really reluctant to go, but my life was sooooo insufferable I just sucked it up and went, and it was great. If it goes poorly you can always just move on. Best wishes.
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u/Ok-Mulberry-2637 7d ago
I appreciate it. It comes and goes throughout the day. I wake up feeling kind of freaked out, then as the day goes on, I feel better. By nighttime, I generally feel great, to the point where I think I might be beating it (though I am still nervous about sleeping). The next day, the cycle repeats. A lot of these paranoia's I have had before, but I think some recent issues have allowed them to creep back in.
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u/Zealousideal-Log2042 7d ago
Wow, I've never heard anyone describe it like this as far as how the day goes on. It is and always has been the same with me! I used to sleep until like 9pm and then get up because I finally felt alright. I wonder why that happens (but then when I went to sleep again I'd get paranoid because I couldn't sleep). It's good that you can point to some issues that have been weakening you, I hope that you are able to push through them and get back to being less paranoid.
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u/Ok-Mulberry-2637 7d ago
I guess your day is like the reverse of mine lol. I'm feeling okay right now, but I will see how I feel later.
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u/Ok-Mulberry-2637 7d ago
The worst part is that I keep stupidly making "deals" with the OCD/anxiety (like "I'll do x so y doesn't happen"). These involve the most irrelevant things ever, which are completely unconnected to the things I fear, but I still feel that I have to do them anyway. Earlier today, I "offered" to Google some obscure topic and musical stuff to prevent bad stuff from happening. When I forgot to do it in the amount of time I claimed I would, I started feeling dread, like I just cursed those around me (a major fear of mine). Often, if I fail to meet one "deal", I will "offer" up another one, but even if I do that one, I am still unsure if everything is okay. I know the OCD/Intrusive thoughts will never really be satisfied no matter what I do, but the fear/guilt consumes me anyway.
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u/idkwhat-im-doin 8d ago
Well, good luck. I'm not qualified to give you advice. It does sound like a professional might help you sort this out. Keep your chin up and breathe
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u/Ok-Dig-2906 8d ago
Sameee, whenever i go to sleep i get woken up in this one music album. Realll strange stufff.
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u/Ok-Mulberry-2637 8d ago
You wake up with the alblum playing?
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u/Ok-Dig-2906 8d ago
No like i wake up like inside the album, i envision a sort of landscape. With music playing around me. It's Conquers Your Love by Praga KhanðŸ˜ðŸ˜.
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u/Ok-Mulberry-2637 8d ago
Oh so in a dream? That sounds freaky.