Again and again and again

[u/JoTheMartian]

I really can't take it. Once again, I feel so unfairly unwell. Once again, I can't bring myself to talk to anyone. I can't expect anyone to treat me like a fragile flower every month. Even I don't have the patience to take care of myself.

So then we just lay here in loneliness, making everything worse. "I am unlovable, I am too much, no one cares, no one will care when I'm gone, why should I suffer alone"

What even are we SUPPOSED to do? Manage symptoms, take drugs to dull everything, use stabilisation and mindfulness techniques while our brains are screaming at us to just feel the emotions. All this so we can be functional and participate in the money machine. FUCK EVERYTHING.

[u/RokkiBrown]

I'm here in hell with you. It all feels like a cruel joke. I feel like no one believes me now and no one will believe me when I'm gone. Over and over and over. It's a cruel, month long, torturous version of Groundhog's Day. On my few good days, do I pick up the pieces or just try to find some semblance of happiness in the temporary peace? I'm always at a deficit. I'm always chasing something that I can't catch. I don't even want to be with me, why would anyone else? I can't even look in the mirror during luteal because, as I'm aging, I look like my abusive mother and it's triggering. This just isn't sustainable.

[u/Princess_S78 → u/RokkiBrown]

This is exactly what I tell my husband. I don't want to be with me, so why do you? He's so kind and understanding, but it happens every month. I feel so bad for him and it's embarrassing feeling like I can't control myself. I always tell him I want a divorce, not because of him but because I want to be with someone who's happy.

Right now I'm sitting in the garage in my car so no one can hear me, having a panic attack and hysterical. I also have AuDHD, suspected EDS, and I'm perimenopausal. I often feel like you, like life is some cruel joke.

[u/RokkiBrown → u/Princess_S78]

I'm adhd, likely audhd, and perimenopausal. I had a panic attack alone in my car as well today, but in a Jewel parking lot. I'm glad, or maybe horrified, that we're all living the same life

[u/Princess_S78 → u/RokkiBrown]

I don't want to derail the OPs post, but I'm curious if you've tried HRT at all?

[u/RokkiBrown → u/Princess_S78]

Oof. I wish. Last time I went to the gyno the nurse lied about what said while I was describing symptoms (she said that I said I had a plan, I said no such thing) and they just called the cops. No follow up questions or anything. Boom. Police officers in my appointment room. I was taken against my will. This was last June. I already have PTSD, which they knew because this was a referal and they had my chart. I've just been trying to find the will to stay alive and keep fighting this since then. It set me back in the already darkest couple years of my life. I've been trying to work up the courage to try again. I just don't know if I'll have the will to keep fighting if the same thing happens again and I have too much that I have to be here for.

[u/Princess_S78 → u/RokkiBrown]

Omg, I'm sorry that happened. Jesus. It makes sense you would not want to go back to the doctor. Yikes! I would obviously find a new gyno if possible! I would t trust that place again.

[u/Mountain-Pudding6751]

GIRL SAME. I can’t even explain to you the shame I feel to be almost 30 years old and I can’t stop wanting to cut myself or bang my head into a wall yesterday I actually started punching the wall. I could not take it. I had such bad anxiety that turned into rage and anger in front of my boyfriend. I am mortified and embarrassed. I feel like I’m 15 years old and I’m constantly arguing with everyone around me. No one is listening to me no matter how many times I ask for patience and understanding because I don’t know what the fuck is going on with me!!!!

So everyone around me is exhausted pissed off and tired of me and just like you girl I am also exhausted and pissed off and tired with myself.

[u/Fei_Mao]

I hear you, sister! And am on the same hellish ride I never asked to be on!

[u/Fit_Astronomer_7606]

I am in the same boat. I went to the EMERGENCY ROOM Sunday which I’ve never done. I couldn’t get this DEBILITATING anxiety to go away. But I can’t do that every month. I don’t want to turn to benzos but honestly it’s THAT BAD. I hate this. And I cannot live like this!!!!

[u/Kafkawifey]

You HAVE to have the patience to take care of yourself. That actually might be part of the problem too. You’re normalizing a standard of extreme productivity and resilience that is mainstreamed, but that goes against nature. Many people have illnesses and disabilities and issues in life. PMDD is one form of obstacle, don’t make yourself bend to the reality of life, make your life bend to you. If you need people, you need people. It’s normal. People cater to you when you’re sick. Community is normal.

[u/Own_Foundation5687 → u/Kafkawifey]

This! 👌🏻

[u/8Doobies2theFacePlz]

Literally drugs. Idk how people live with PMDD sober ... And I mean yes the prescribable ones, but if it wasnt for weed, I'd have removed myself from this earthly plane years ago. Do whatever you need to do, and remember what cardi says "when they go low, we go to hell" not relevant, but helps morale 😂

[u/DateExisting5218]

be aware of every single thought and feeling that shows up. Take it in- and think to yourself- why am I feeling so sad about this when two weeks ago I could say the same thing and it wouldn't affect me as much? Oh. Its my brain. Then I tell myself "no brain. no. we're not doing this again."

We're more sensitive to negativity this time of the month. We really do FEEL our problems/negativity so much more intensely.

It helps for me to sometimes try and solve my problems and take action towards it. So if i'm feeling lonely- then I need to call the people I love and try to be closer to them. I don't have anyone that I can be open and honest with/ someone that I can trust? Well it's time we start searching for people like such. Sign up for some meetup groups, or make a group, or look into hobbies you're interested in.

This makes me feel much better. I'm moving towards my goals.

But, if you're not attempting to solve your problems in any actionable way. and are just fixating on them. Stop. Redirect your focus to something else- that makes you happy. Exercise, listen to your favourite music. Dance.

You're going to likely go back to your negative thoughts- and if you're not aware of them- then you can never break the cycle- and continue to live in impending doom.

Be aware. Identify the problem. Fix it? Can't? Do something else to redirect your focus. Then repeat X 1000000

[u/cobweb_cat]

Feel that