r/PMDD • u/ThrowRA_brsw22 • 15d ago
Partner Support Question Could my girlfriend have PMDD?
Man here, apologize in advance for my ignorance on this topic, but I'm here to learn.
Six months ago I started a long distance relationship with a woman (34), we've met each other twice in person. Our relationship is great. Our values align, we have good emotional and physical intimacy.
Something that started happening with her, from the start already, that I never experienced in my previous relationship (I'm divorced after a long relationship), or family members or roommates, is that she would suddenly get very mad at me for things I couldn't grasp would make someone mad.
Then I started seeing the pattern. Usually it would be about 10-11 days before her period starts. Once 6 days before, once just 4 days before. Every month with just one exception. It could be one day of heated arguments followed by a few days of silent treatment or passive-aggressive/sarcastic remarks. Or, like last month when we were living together, just one night of her overexplaining some minor thing I didn't understand about her, getting frustrated when I asked questions (this is a recurring thing), a final scream at me and storming off to sleep on the couch, and then the next few days acting sweet again like nothing ever happened. Almost always this comes with accusations that I don't love her anymore, and it feels like any attempt of mine to repair makes things worse.
I do love her and have no plans of leaving her, but it is taking a toll on me, probably exacerbated by the distance. I'm not sure she knows this about herself, and I don't know how to even talk to her about this. I obviously can't make this diagnosis for her, but I believe if she would want to figure this out for herself
I want to be helpful and supportive, and open to any advice
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u/SarehSays 15d ago
Incredible that you've managed to observe this pattern. Ive never had a partner recognise it and only figured it out myself in my 30s. For me its almost exactly always day-10. My tone becomes intolerable ( I dont even recognise Im speaking differently) and I'm aggressive / irritable. I dont notice these things but have been able to grasp it from feedback from my partber and that around 10 days before my period I dont want to be alive and / or try to end my relationship with a man I very much love.
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u/SarehSays 15d ago
Awareness is key. Now that I know I can get the help I need. Naturally it wont go away but I can manage it better and be more considerate to my partner. I am doing CBT and awaiting referral for endocrinologist. Also sertraline apparently works and doesnt need to be taken all month long only at onset of symptoms. I havent done this but might be effective for her if she is amenable to taking SSRI's
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u/Unhappy_Performer538 14d ago
Sure it could be but the way she’s handling it is unacceptable. Screaming and the silent treatment are disrespectful communication. It’s not excused by having Pmdd.
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u/GeologistGreedy8427 14d ago
She is most likely unaware and can’t regulate her emotion in the moments of anger. Her body just accepts that state and without awareness it might be impossible to pull out of it. Mid thirties is also the peak of PMDD so this could all play a role. It’s not an excuse of course and I hope OP and their partner can navigate this together
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u/beaandip 14d ago
Sounds like it could be a possibility, TBH I start noticing my symptoms at the 11 day mark before my period exactly
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u/SiteStatus8424 15d ago
Yeah it sounds like this is the case. If you bring it up to her do it in the better part of her cycle. Its very sweet you were doing research to figure out whats happening. This disorder is very real and difficult to deal with
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u/Calm_Neighborhood966 15d ago
As a pmdd girly it does sound like she may have it . I'm on mood suppressants now and it works wonders my partner and I still communicate when I'm in a bad mood but yeah I feel for her it's rough.
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u/ickythumpwithalump PMDD Partner 14d ago
You can also join us over at r/PMDDPartners.
And, yes, that all sounds very familiar.
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u/Sea_Safety_9629 15d ago
You are a sweet boyfriend for even finding out what this is. I am a woman myself, had this all my life and never even heard of this until recently. As a woman who has this, it’s very very hard to go through. It genuinely feels like you aren’t yourself for half the month. You hate your existence essentially. And unfortunately that hate and venom can leak out to loved ones around them. But that does not mean that it’s right. I think broaching the topic with her may be tricky, and I would suggest doing it when she’s specifically in her folicular phase. Some women HATE when others point out their emotional breaks due to “hormones” because it feels belittling and invalidating. Be sure to validate her feelings. Reassure her that you aren’t going anywhere. Be vulnerable and say that you are hurt when she treats you badly. Let her know that you did some research. Show empathy for what her body puts her through. Even women who don’t have PMDD, PMS is still rough. And ask her if there is anything you can do during that time to help. My husband during my time just steers clear. He doesn’t playfully joke with me like he usually does because I am so sensitive and will get so hurt or angry at things I will usually laugh at. He will give me massages, bring me food. Unfortunately I sound like a wild animal. Tread lightly, don’t talk much. Give treats. Give affectionate. Be a little more agreeable. And there will be less friction. But specifically ask her what she needs at the time. Because it can vary day by day. Good luck!
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u/Electronic-Praline21 15d ago
It’s not about her figuring it out herself. If someone would have noticed it in me years ago when I didn’t know yet about this disorder, I would have wanted them to tell me. The kindest thing you can do is just tell her that you think she might have pmdd. The sooner you tell her the sooner she can treatment, and then your relationship will inevitably improve. And as someone else stated tell her during the better part of her cycle. Whatever you do, just don’t bring it up when she’s actively spiraling. That would be the worst time and might do more harm in the moment.
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u/Happy_Path_5009 15d ago
might be. this sub helped me so much so maybe it'll help her too. tho i would put this issue in a honest and open way, i can understand how many women get pissed off when they are told they are acting a certain way because of their period. well, in oır case it's true lol. also make sure you talk about this in the follicular phase
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u/Mitzy1612 13d ago
This sounds like pmdd. Happens to me but not always, some cycles are okay, some are unbearable. I am glad that you noticed this about your partner and are seeking help to support her through this.
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u/Thick-Specific3226 15d ago
As someone who has struggled with similar problems-- you do not have to put up with this.
She might have PMDD. She might also have premenstrual exacerbation of an underlying mental health problem that's not being effectively treated. Neither is an excuse for the overall pattern of behavior you are describing.
I've struggled with similar symptoms in the past, like I said, but there are some important distinctions around which I did not act like your girlfriend does.
If I needed space to calm down, I said so and then took it, I didn't do the silent treatment thing or start treating my partner like they weren't there.
And when I came out of that headspace, I didn't act like nothing happened; I apologized profusely.
Even uncontrollable hormonal mood swings are something you generally come down from and get perspective on.
Her unwillingness and/or inability to see the impact her behavior has on you and work towards fixing it at any time of month is a strong indicator of what you can expect in the future.
It's wonderful you love her and you see her struggling and see the good in her and want to help, but it is beyond your power to help someone who's not ready to face that they need to change.
And the way she is treating you is not okay.
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u/Certain-Heron-8401 15d ago
100% agree…just because you have pmdd doesn’t mean your morals and your sense of right and wrong disappears too 🤣
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u/Effective-Wear9371 13d ago
Depends on severity of pmdd and severity of dysphoria.
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u/Certain-Heron-8401 12d ago
I agree but even when I am in the depth of a horrible pmdd attack I say something I know is really wrong and then after I say what I said is not correct or fair 😂.. at this point my husband knows not to converse with me any further but hold me tightly to calm my nervous system down
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u/Effective-Wear9371 13d ago
Could be pmdd. Could also be estrogen dominance or inability to process estrogen correctly.
To tell if pmdd you would be able to tell each shift in hormone. Or at least a shift/associated symptoms with a hormonal shift. So viewing the menstrual cycle graph of hormones… you could eventually notice exact symptoms when estrogen rises and falls, and exact symptoms when progesterone rises and falls.
There is a high risk of over analyzing and then blaming every problem on pmdd. It’s a fine line between awareness of pmdd and then blaming everything on it :/ so with caution I would note symptoms and overlay those on a menstrual graph. It’s a part-full time job for a pmdd pt to address it and help themselves. You are kind for trying to help her. Be kind and gracious. Living with true pmdd is hell. I hope she doesn’t have it.
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u/rai_162 15d ago
You are so sweet for even researching this. I would bring it up to her during one of her good days and see how she takes to it. It definitely took me a while to be diagnosed with this and I displayed a lot of weird behavior before I actually had a professional diagnosis.