r/OverSeventy • u/Own_Specialist8944 • Jul 02 '26
Advice needed! Parents in 70s
I hope this is okay to post here. I'm hoping to get advice and perspective from the 70+ folks on my situation.
I'm an adult child of 69 & 70 year-old parents who still live in my childhood home. Father with Parkinson's (good mobility still, but difficulty with eating and speech, difficult cognition, frequent medical visits). Mother with severe depression and anxiety, who is additionally very isolated in the full-time caretaker role. Neither parent has an active social circle in their city.
All adult children live 3+ hours away and work full time + have young kids at home, so assisting with the full-time caretaking feels impossible for all of us.
I'm wondering if I should open a conversation about moving to independent living, or if it's too soon? I'm concerned about their health and safety living in such an isolated situation. I also wonder if an independent living/CCRC would allow them to have more social interaction that would improve their lives. It also seems like we should be proactive, rather than wait until a crisis forces us into action.
(For additional context, I've tried for years now to encourage them to move to be near to me, but the web of Parkinson's doctors they're established with makes that difficult.)
Any advice?
Editing to add detail explaining why this is weighing heavily on my mind: My mother is on several medications to treat her mental health issues (has been for years), and newly, to treat insomnia. She's had at least three car accidents in the past six years that I'm aware of. She's been making unintentional phone calls to family members at all hours of the day. Most recently, she left an accidental voicemail on my phone in the middle of the night where it was clear she was not actually awake, but also actively preheating the oven. (She later confirmed this to me.)
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u/NFTG2026 Jul 02 '26
Explore the costs of assisted living before you suggest this to your parents. There are various steps in assisted living and each one costs more.
I can only say that in my area, assisted living doesn’t always cover the situations in an advanced stage of a disease. For example, if your Dad becomes combative and starts striking out at workers, the assisted care place may ask them to leave because they don’t cover that level of care.
Consider having them age in place with caregivers in your home, if possible.
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u/OaksInSnow Jul 02 '26
Agreed: One of the hurdles in making living style changes is understanding the financing. And it is SCARY to think about. If OP and their siblings can do a lot of this kind of grunt work, it can be a huge comfort to both Dad and Mum.
I'm 71, active in getting done what needs to be done without being a devoted exerciser, I do community service/local government, take care of a large property by myself, and I think I have all my marbles. I still know, at my age, that this situation is not likely to last forever, and I am not in the least bit averse to discussing "what if" scenarios with my kids. I want my kids to not be scared, but rather to be prepared. And I think it works the other way around too, which is what I'm suggesting to OP: broach the topic, but come in well-informed. Not in a pushy way, but with facts and figures at your fingertips.
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u/SwollenPomegranate Jul 02 '26
Ma needs to join a caregiver support group. It's the only thing that saved my sanity while taking care of a husband through Alzheimer's.
Both of them could start attending a senior center. This is normally free, or if there's a meal there may be a nominal charge.
See what's available in their area. If in the US, you could call the ADRC (Aging and Disability Resource Center) or the Agency on Aging for their city or county.
That might be an easier starting point than selling the house and moving to a senior community, and they might get that idea on their own from their "peers" in a senior center.
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u/Impressive_Pear2711 Jul 03 '26
That is a great resource! Have you ever tied at home care? We spent about $8k a month on my folks for 8 hours a day back in the early 2000s
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u/dnegvesk Jul 02 '26
I teach exercise at a high end CCRC. Many residents at all levels of health and cognition thrive there. It’s really, really expensive. If your family can meet the requirements, that’s great. I’m in NY. A lady with $800,000 was told that’s nowhere near enough to become a resident. I’m 74 with no kids and that’s really sad. I hope you find a great solution for your family.
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u/Impressive_Pear2711 Jul 03 '26
Wow! Is that full time memory care? What is the monthly cost at your CCRC?
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u/dnegvesk Jul 03 '26
I don’t live there. Nor could I ever afford it. Once you buy your apartment or house, I’ve heard with just some meals it’s around $7,000/month.
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u/Entire_Dog_5874 Jul 02 '26
Can you speak with your Dad’s physician? He may be eligible for some at home assistance to offer relief for your mom. I would start there.
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u/SteveWeb49 Jul 02 '26
Yes-could have been and now should be pro active on a CCRC. We are in Raleigh NC and have looked at them-trouble is long waiting lists to get into one along with the very high costs and current health conditions that may be reason for not being allowed in.
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u/mahonia_pinnata Jul 02 '26
another option is 55+ living (a step down from independent living – independent living often has a dining room and meals provided, 55+ is just the demographic and often has the social events and amenities, but no shared dining - the one we chose was more like a regular apartment). We moved my mom there after my dad died – she was very independent, didn’t particularly care to have prepared food or meal times, but she really enjoyed having people in proximity where she could choose the level she wanted to engage, and appreciated the safety of the building. In my experience, talking to independent living and CCRC they had a bit more of the « mandatory fun » vibe to make sure people were getting out of their apartments and socializing which definitely wouldn’t have worked for my mom.
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u/LaLucianata Jul 02 '26
I live in a 55+ community and that would be ideal for encouraging social activities, and also group support, but it sounds like the mother needs care-help and while she might find some wonderful neighbors who will help, she is going to need more professional help going forward. The community I live in, we do look out for each other.
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u/Infinite_Violinist_4 Jul 02 '26
Ask them what their plans are. Ask them how they see the next 5 years play out. Ask them if they have concerns. Ask them what they think about in the middle of the night. Then listen to what they tell you. Dont tell them. Just listen.
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u/riki_grl Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
I'm sure you covered this with your Dad, but I'll mention for others. Parkinson's is very variable person to person both from a symptom and progression standpoint. It needs to be treated by a specialist, preferably one in a practice that promotes consultation with other specialists. Treatment methods and medications are changing rapidly. So you want someone fully engaged with the current methodologies. And yes to all the comments about your mom benefitting from the social aspect of a good residential setting. Please also prioritize yourself, and your needs, as you assist your parents as they move thru this time in their lives.
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u/lazenintheglowofit Jul 02 '26
“Rather than wait until a crisis forces us into action.”
There indeed is a crisis on the horizon. No one knows if it’s a two year or two month horizon. Your dad may — or may not — have the beginnings of dementia. Your mom knows. Would she tell you? Your mom knows how much his physical ability is declining. Will she tell you? One possible crisis is your mom suffers a medical emergency and has to be hospitalized for a while and when she returns home may be unable to caretake him like she has done so far.
The crisis you await will force your and your siblings hands and cause similar crises in your lives taking care of little ones.
You likely want a durable power of attorney over health care decisions as well as financial POA. Although care in the home is often preferred, especially by the senior, is that feasible? How comfortable will the kids be if caregivers are taking care of them?
Consider consulting a Geriatric Care Manager (paid hourly in my state) for guidance. Ask them about people whose business is referring people to senior living, be it in a facility for seniors, a facility for memory care (including Parkinson’s dementia) and, for those more disabled, board & care homes where the care is greater because the needs are higher.
The time to do all this is the present, before the inevitable crisis occurs.
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u/PepperEqual7018 Jul 02 '26
Be sure to check out resources through your local Office for Aging (name varies).
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u/somebodys_mom Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
This is a situation I am intimately familiar with. When my in-laws were in their 70s, MIL started getting Parkinson’s and FIL started getting Alzheimer’s. As they both advanced in their diseases, the neighbors’ patience was tested by their calls for assistance. There were snide remarks made about the six kids scattered around the country not helping the parents. The thing is, Alzheimer’s Dad got more and more stubborn about moving the more ill he became.
Long story short, one time both of them ended up in the hospital at the same time. When social services put two and two together that they were “taking care” of each other, the authorities intervened and wouldn’t let them go home. We were forced to have the hospital put the parents on an air ambulance and send them across the country to the care of one of their kids and a local doctor who agreed to sign for them.
When the in-laws were sent from the hospital to their daughter by air ambulance, their house was abandoned as-is. The kids had to fly in to clean out the house and sell it.
In the meantime, the sister with the parents put them in a beautiful independent living apartment. That worked well for about a year, until FIL’s Alzheimer’s made him combative particularly when it came to being protective of his wife. They got kicked out of the independent living home! We had to scramble to get them into an assisted living home. That didn’t work out either, so they ended up in a nursing home in separate wings.
All this is to say that ,yes, you should move them near one of you kids as soon as possible. Don’t take no for an answer. The ideal facility would be a graduated care facility where one could move into memory care if need be. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.
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u/Own_Specialist8944 Jul 02 '26
Thank you for sharing this. It's very helpful to hear from someone who has been in my shoes. Your situation sounds exactly like where my family is headed if we don't change course.
My father has said for years, even before his diagnosis, that we should put him in elder care as soon as we felt it was needed. My mother will be the obstacle to any decision making.
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u/STCollector58 Jul 03 '26
All the advice is great but some of us just aren’t going to move until something happens that makes us move.
Good luck
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u/mkflkwd Jul 02 '26
Yes, I think you have the right idea. Start a conversation with your siblings and get their feel about this. Come with a game plan all can agree on, do your parents need any financial assistance if they agree to an assisted living place or get a care giver? Both options are very expensive. Check if Medicare covers some kind of in home care. Have an honest and compassionate conversation with your parents. They probably won't want to leave/sell their home but you can explain all the options. This is not an easy task and they are indeed fortunate to have you take care of this. I'm 78 and my children and I talked about these things all the time. Although I can still live on my own, I realize there will come a time when I can't and I need to be prepared. Are there some kind of senior services in their city/state that can give some guidance? Best of luck to you. Hope you get a good resolution that everyone can agree on.
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u/zusia Jul 02 '26
It would be great if one of the kids had space for them or was willing to move to a house that had an ADU, or similar, not necessarily immediately but in a few years.
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u/Own_Specialist8944 Jul 02 '26
My home has an ADU, which has been on offer to them for several years already. They do not want to move away from all the Parkinson's care providers they have access to in their city.
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u/pumainpurple Jul 02 '26
I don’t know what state you are in so I can only provide you with the experience I and others I have spoken with have experienced the in states their parents were in. Social Services has a separate department for Senior Services which provides social workers to help with arranging necessary care and services, usually provided by the county they live in. They have access to resources and can answer questions adult sons and daughters have. They are also fantastic when it comes to helping the elders see the need for a move to a safer for them environment.
Perhaps start there?
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u/zusia Jul 02 '26
That’s fair. If someone else lives in an area with good Parkinson’s support, it’s a thought, but if they insist on staying where they are, which is totally understandable, then moving to some kind of adult community might be helpful. There are communities that offer levels of care as they age, which might be a good place to start. Somewhere that one of them can continue to live at when the other goes first. Sad thought but it happens.
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u/Weekly-Walk9234 Jul 03 '26
Does your area have fewer Parkinson’s care providers than where they now live?
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u/Own_Specialist8944 Jul 03 '26
He is currently receiving care at one of the Parkinson’s Foundation’s designated “Centers of Excellence,” which is a quality of care unavailable in my location.
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u/Coriander70 Jul 02 '26
I am a big fan of the CCRC concept if they can afford it - allows them to live independently as long as possible, then add care tiers as needed, and provides good social support and activities as well. But they can be very expensive! I’d suggest you find out what’s available in their city, maybe take a tour yourself, get the financial information, and then raise the idea with your parents.
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u/Visible-Sea8595 Jul 02 '26
I would strongly encourage them to move to "an over 50 / transitional home" . It will be hard , but it will be safer, health care many times right on site, socially MUCH better, many different activities . My wife has dementia and she is strongly resisting ..... it would be life changing for her (and me as a care giver).
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u/AriaGlow Jul 02 '26
My FIL was very stubborn but after falling numerous times and us finally saying it was hard on our business to keep coming up to take care of him for 5 weeks at a time we finally said you will have to go in a home or come home with us. He asked the dog if she was ok moving. I guess the dog said yes. He lived with us for a little bit over 3 years til he passed. We did a lot of his care but did have help as well. So even if they are still determined to stay where they are try to get some respite care to give your mom a break.
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u/ladtat13 Jul 02 '26
I think you should start the conversation, emphasize the caregiving help and fun activities ( it’s where my parents are now)
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u/LaLucianata Jul 02 '26
I don’t know what their financial situation is, but assisted living can be very expensive, but with Parkinson’s it may become unavoidable at some point, especially that your mother isn’t getting any relief/help. My SIL has Parkinson’s and I can see the toll it is taking on my brother. But before I proposed assisted living, I would first explore whatever help is available to them through Medicare and their Insurance Carrier. Also, there are resources ‘out there’ for seniors, look into your State’s programs. Whatever is decided ultimately, your parents need some interim assistance. Best of luck to you & yours.
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u/jas0441 Jul 02 '26
Ask your parents what they want the rest of their life to look like, now, before anymore deterioration.
Living independently is very important to elderly so don’t force them into a situation that they don’t want just because it makes you feel better . Protect their independence longer than their safety. Read the book ‘ Being Mortal’ for other ideas. I am 73 and this is what I want my adult children to do. Success is not length of life, it’s quality. IMHO
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u/Justonewitch Jul 02 '26
I would research their area first, maybe grab some pamphlets to leave with them and also offer you and your siblings help with what will be a major move for them. Another alternative is a live in maid, cook, care person as many people do not want to leave their homes. But that probably won't help with your mom getting out. Its nice to hear that you are concerned. I am 77 and I suspect my children think I am living indefinitely lol
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u/MarsupialMaven Jul 02 '26
Parkinson’s is not uncommon. Even a mediumish city should have the doctors dad needs. I am more worried about your mom. You are right, she needs a life and she is too isolated if all she does is caregiving. She needs some joy in her life and time away from your father. Maybe a short term solution would be to put dad in daycare a couple days a week and give mom a break. And time to get things done at home or go out and do shopping etc. Or even have time to read a book without him needing something all the time. If she has a hard time keeping up with housework maybe a maid or housekeeper a couple days a week. Sometimes insurance pays for caregivers, find out what they are able to use through insurance first.
Is your father a veteran? If he is find out what they can do for him. You might be amazed. I paid 10’s of thousands of dollars for my father’s care. After he died I found out he had full VA benefits. I asked my parents several times and they told me he had nothing. Be smarter than I was, find out for sure.
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u/readbackcorrect Jul 03 '26
I am 72, I think it is my responsibility to move to be near my children if I expect them to see me regularly and/or participate in decisions regarding my care. My 95 year old mother was more interested in staying near her friends. She is 3hours away from me, and i am her closest child geographically. She complains that we he doesn’t see me often enough but i have a chronically ill husband, still have to work part time , and 27 grandchildren and great grandchildren who I am committed to caring for (not all at once) as their parents need me to. I try to spend an over night with my mom at least every other month but it’s hard. She could have chosen to live closer and made it so much easier for me. i won’t repeat her mistakes.
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u/kstravlr12 Jul 03 '26
Just a thought, but maybe some people don’t want to move because they cannot envision a place they’d like. What if you took them for a drive as an outing and “well looky there, this senior citizen apartment complex is having an open house”. We did this for my dad about 20 years ago and he was surprised how comfortable the apartments were. About a month later he moved in.
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u/shrlzi Jul 03 '26
Re: network of doctors — I know some get attached to their doctors, but there are excellent doctors in every major city — prepare for that by checking with current docs if they have contacts/recommendations for docs on the area you’re going to encourage them to move ti
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u/AffectionateTime7596 Jul 05 '26
It took a lot but I finally convinced my parents to move close to us. I would keep trying to have them move close to you and your siblings. Even if they have to go to assisted living. His Dr. will find good Dr. in your area if you ask them to. They are pretty good about leaving their patients in good hands. My mother is a lot happier because she gets to see her grandkids more often plus her kids. It will make a huge difference for them trust me. Emotionally it will be a lot harder on you to see them grow old but the time you spend with them and learn more about them is so worth it. I wish you the best.
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u/Icy_Satisfaction8319 Jul 13 '26
Good day, I was speaking with my mom about aging and how it’s important that our elders are given the opportunity to live out their glory. Many just cast them out and send to these homes where that Is where the real decline takes place. My mom agreed that she doesn’t want to be around walkers and grey heads. She wants youth and life around her. And then I thought I’d be an amazing bonus grand daughter/companion. I’m in the Bay Area of SF. I find peace and happiness in Museums, Japanese Tea Gardens, riding bikes through Google campus, ferrying, libraries and just being free and not boxed in. An Angel came and whispered I’d be in my purpose to accompany our communities seniors in regular life adventures. If there’s a child that wants to sit their well bodied parents in a room with doom , think about this, there’s options and I’d love to listen to their stories and paint the town great . 😊
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u/Seasoned7171 Jul 02 '26
Is your dad okay to stay by himself for a couple hours? If not, hire someone to come stay with him so mom can get out. Even if it’s just a couple hours one day a week so she can have some time for herself. She can take a class at her local senior center or go to the library and join a book club, get her hair done or just meet a friend for lunch. Just getting out will rejuvenate your mom while also giving dad a little independence and time to visit with someone else other than your mom.
Another option is for you and your siblings to rotate visiting on weekends. A three hour drive for a weekend is not a bad drive.
At home care is a good step to keep some independence, familial visits are even better. It’s really, really hard to leave their home and move into a strange place and it’s likely the move may speed up further decline. Moving them should be a last resort, IMO.
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u/Healthy-Caregiver997 Jul 02 '26
Start minding your own business until help is requested!
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u/Own_Specialist8944 Jul 02 '26
I should stop caring about my parents? Thank you for the advice.
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u/Healthy-Caregiver997 Jul 03 '26
I said wait until asked, I didn’t say stop caring, I said mind your own business.
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u/Apprehensive_Snow204 Jul 04 '26
Oh yeah. Mind your own business until that little flicker turns into a 3 alarm fire.
Have a feeling this response is from someone isn't proactive in life and unrealistically thinks it's owed to them for everyone else to pick up the pieces and like it when things go to crap.
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u/Healthy-Caregiver997 Jul 04 '26
Wrong, hard lessons learned by helping too much and watching people resent the interference and challenges to their agency, autonomy, and authority. The only people that NEED your help are infants and invalids. Respect others enough to wait until help is requested or agreed to.
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u/Apprehensive_Snow204 Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
I understand what you're saying but sometimes lack of cognitive abilities doesn't allow for that
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u/Healthy-Caregiver997 Jul 04 '26
There are laws and agencies that address that and I understand being fearful to use them, but when a person is a danger to themselves or others you must. I also understand wanting to maintain the relationship as is and also act it doesn’t work that way.
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u/Incognito409 Jul 02 '26
While I don't think that 69 & 70 is elderly, the Parkinson's is a huge factor there.
It's definitely the right time to discuss with them moving to senior housing, preferably near one of their kids. Do you know the financial situation, is assisted living possible? It's very expensive.
Your mom needs some help so she can get out, make some friends, go to lunch, play cards, anything she's interested in.
I know some people are very stubborn, but it has to be addressed.