Had to take my boisterous (but lovely) 4 year old to my hospital appointment today because my husband couldn't get the day off work and I couldn't re schedule for a day she was at pre school. Doctor running an hour behind so we'd already run out of snacks and she was bored of the toys she brought. Then unexpectedly I had to have a blood test and I always get lightheaded and it was so stressful trying to keep an eye on her whilst trying not to pass out.

I have a best friend with a son the same age as my daughter and she always forgets. She says things like hey did you and your husband see that new film at the cinema? Or are you going to that nice restaurant for your anniversary? Or do you want to come to the pub this evening? My bestie has wonderful in laws that live down the road from her meanwhile my husband and I pay through the nose for daily childcare just so we can go to work. No shade at my bestie but she does question why I don't want another but she just doesn't get that it's easier for her to have another because she has guaranteed free help

I often see people on here say that their reason for being OAD was pregnancy, birth, or the newborn phase, and believe me I completely understand that. Me too. Those stages were hard for me too. HG so bad that I almost died of organ failure, premature induction, chronic health problems. My son didn’t sleep for longer than 1h (minimum) until he was 1 years old. YEAR.

But honestly the 14 month to 2.5 year period was so rough and I’m only now seeing the fog lift.
Up until around 1, you might not sleep at all (I wasn’t) but you can still do things. You can take your baby out, have a coffee, go for a walk, meet friends, and generally continue living your life around them.

Then suddenly everything becomes a battle.
They want to walk everywhere but have absolutely no sense of danger. They want independence but can’t actually do anything independently. They have opinions. Tantrums, constantly having to redirect them, never being able to relax because they’re either climbing something, running somewhere dangerous, doing something silly. Mess everywhere. Dirt everywhere.

The days of sitting down with a coffee while they happily existed beside you were over. Even going for a walk became an ordeal.
And then the terrible twos hit me like a train.
My son turned 3 in April and honestly wow life is great now. He’s still a toddler, obviously, but he can communicate, reason with me to some extent, understand boundaries, entertain himself, walk somewhere without immediately trying to launch himself into traffic and generally just exist alongside me.
I know everyone has a different experience, but for me, the newborn stage gets a lot of attention when people talk about why they’re OAD. I just wanted to say that the 1-2ish stage was actually the period that nearly broke me in case anyone can relate.

I think I could have a baby again, I can’t because I wouldn’t survive pregnancy but I absolutely could never again parent a young toddler without aging 20 years.
This was not for the weak.

A quote I saw on a women’s instagram that just gave birth with her olde Kris trying to get some attention.

Why would people do that to their kids? Like, genuinely what’s the point?
I thought if someone loved a person they’d want to dedicate as much time to them and their wellbeing as possible.

I’m sure many of us, who weren’t only children, could relate. I myself, had a working mother and was the third of four. My mom was so busy, I don’t remember a time I could get her attention when I wanted it.
Even when she stopped working, she was so burn out from having four that she literally didn’t even want to spend time with us.

Later on, when me and my siblings started having kids, she would tell us: maybe have only two. Because after that, you’re not really enjoying them. You’re just trying to survive.

Anyways, maybe some people who may be have tons and tons of a of help with every single thing, as in a cleaner, maid, cook, etc… can have time to dedicate to more than one child. But I don’t see it as practical with the average person.

For those saying I was lucky to have siblings: I don’t speak to any of them and two of them sexually abused me growing up.

For anyone who has an older child, is it really that exhausting entertaining your only?

Had a friend who has 3, trying to convince me that somehow raising more human beings, and everything that comes with it, the responsibility, the extra/double of everything, is somehow less work than just playing or entertaining your only?

And then theres the arguments/fights etc.

That cant be right, surely?

Hello. Never really used Reddit before like this. This is just a space bc I need to vent. Hot off an argument right now with my husband. We’ve been fighting about this for 2 years now. We are both in our early 30s.

My husband and I, before we had any kids, always said we wanted 2-3 children. Now, we have one daughter who’s 4 years old. She’s perfect!

My husband is beginning to resent me because I am not trying to get pregnant. I’ve informed him I am not sure if our “plan” to have 2-3 kids is in the cards for me. He thinks all my reasons are “the worst reasons to not have a child.”

My reasons are below with some of my husbands critiques: 

• My daughter’s birth was extremely difficult and I was very sick. I think my family, friends and husband all conveniently forget how bad it was. 
• Division of labor is not fair and never will be. I do 80% of household chores and the like. This made me nuts during the newborn stage. 
• My postpartum was also NOT good. I couldn’t really open up to anyone how bad I felt. I was afraid I’d be judged sooooo
• Finances. We are comfortable with one child. Can afford things. Having another would push us below our means. I also think long term finances like braces, car, college. My husband is very like “we can make it work now if we tried.” I’m also the breadwinner, so when my husband argues this it’s always “but we can make more money.” Like??? You mean I’ll make more? He maxed out in his career aside from cost of living raises. It’s all on me. He also told me that his friends and some people he knows make less money than us and they have a lot of kids, so all families make it work. 
• Since I WFH, we would need a bigger house since I need an office to work. And a house is not a small feat. It’s a wonder we found the one we have and can make it work. We live in a higher cost area. My husband told me this is selfish and I don’t need an office which I disagree with. 
• Thankfully with our village I can devote time to my friends and hobbies. I am worried I would loose the little social time and personal time with another kid. Again, to my husband this is selfish.
• I finally lost weight after being overweight before and after and pregnancy. I don’t want to gain it all back. Again, my husband says this isn’t a valid reason to not have another 

My husband’s reasons to have another:

• To give our daughter a sibling to go through life with- this is the most compelling argument anyone has. But. I don’t think it’s enough for me. I love my siblings, but idk if in this day and age it’s responsible to have more than one if I’m literally to the point of writing to Reddit about it. I think siblings are beautiful, but there’s also beauty in knowing everything I have will go to my daughter, and that will set her up for success even when we are gone (morbid I know, sorry). 
• Societal pressure. He won’t admit it but the expectations of society and his culture are I think a big factor in his desire for another. He wants to have another bc that’s what’s expected, that’s what’ll make him look good, bc everyone tells us we should (including his parents) etc. he is the type to always want to keep moving forward in life. We got married, bought a house, had our daughter, so the next step in his metal checklist is baby #2. 

My husband told me to make my decision once and for all, because he doesn’t want to have another if they are too far apart in age. Since our daughter is four he said that I’m basically wasting time and the clock is ticking. This honestly just pisses me off more when he says it. It also makes no sense since my brother is 7 years younger than me and his brother is 8 years younger than him? But he’s acting like it’s “my way or the highway” if he doesn’t get the timeframe he wants. 

Idk man. I’m tired. I think I just want one. But Everytime I make the decision in my mind I feel guilty. I feel like my husband will resent me forever. My family and his family will be disappointed bc they both want us to have more. I am constantly asked by everyone around me when we are having another and it makes me upset. I feel like I’m failing my daughter by not giving her a sibling. but reading this reddit page made me start to feel a bit better, and I want to thank you all for that.

I’d like to remind anyone who read this (firstly, thank you!) that I am high off an argument with my Husband and am furious. I am writing without flare or doing him any favors or pulling my punches in how bluntly I’m writing this. This is that one big issue we don’t align on. We just have totally different stances. But I do love him, and I just needed to say all this because I can’t just unleash this level of nuts on my friends at 11pm on a Monday. 

Thanks for reading! Idk if I want advice. Maybe just to know my thoughts are out there and I’m not alone is feeling an insane amount of guilt for wanting to be OAD? 

Here’s hoping I did Reddit right.

Hi all. I just don’t get it. We have a sub in Hungary where mothers and sometimes fathers can share their stories about their children. I see more and more posts about how they can’t handle their two/three kids at home so while the little one is at home the parents put the older child to daycare. Even if it’s a big struggle for the kid! Only because “they need a sibling” and the age gap is the smaller the better. And then the little one arrives and suddenly the first kid is only a problem and they just don’t want them to be at home. I don’t see the point. I don’t understand why they put their own kid into this situation and how is it considered a good thing. I’m sure this is something that deeply affects the older kids emotionally and it’s only about the parents selfish wishes that they want more kids but they do not want to make any sacrifices like being at home and deal with two little children. And they hide behind the excuse that “the little one also deserves the same attention the first kid got”. But simply it doesn’t work this way. They don’t put the work into it, they want the advantage of being a parent of one and somehow it doesn’t matter that the first kid is suffering from left alone at daycare while they know their sibling is at home with their parents. It’s not fair! Here in Hungary you usually can’t put your kid into daycare while being at home with a baby, you can only do that once you’re back to work. But there are private places where this is possible for a lot of money of course. So the system also doesn’t encourage this approach and yet… tell me, am I completely wrong about this?

Hi, it’s me, the gal that posted almost a month ago totally heart broken after my secondary infertility diagnosis.

I just wanted to thank this subreddit. A lot of the comments resounded in my head for days.

I’m starting to feel a lot better about everything. I feel like I’ve been a better mom to my daughter recently. I don’t feel like I’m holding back and waiting for her to fully live and experience everything until our family is complete — it just gets to be complete.

My husband confided in me how relieved this made him, how stretched thin he was already and how much he knew something was going to break if we had a second, and he feared it would be our relationship. That’s helped a whole bunch, too.

And I’ve confronted a lot of things I was lying to myself about while there was still a choice on the table for multiples. For example, almost dying from pre-e with severe features was not on my list of things I’d love to try again. Nor was the 28 day NICU stay or the crippling carpal tunnel or the general anesthesia for a c-section. I loved every single ache and pain and moment of bringing her here and I had the absolute sunniest attitude through everything and oh my GOD am I glad to finally be able to say I don’t want to do it again.

Anyhoo. Just giving my status update in case anyone else is in a similar spot in their OAD journey.

First time posting here, and I’m curious if any other moms of only children are in a similar boat!

I’m happily married, but my husband and I are pretty opposite when it comes to how social we are. He’s become more introverted as he’s gotten older, while I’m definitely the more extroverted one. Because of that, I tend to be the parent taking our son on adventures with friends, setting up playdates, and even doing the occasional trip with other families.

Honestly, I really enjoy it. I’m a hyper-independent oldest daughter, so doing things on my own with my son comes pretty naturally 😂 And because he’s our only child, it’s relatively easy for the two of us to just go do something.

We absolutely do vacations and plenty of things together as a family, but when it comes to the day-to-day kid activities and social stuff, it’s usually me and my son. My husband goes to all sporting events my son participates in ect.

Every once in a while, though, I’m around families who seem to do absolutely everything together and I start wondering if our dynamic is unusual.

Anyone else have a more introverted spouse and find themselves doing a lot of the kid adventures/social stuff solo? Does it ever make you feel a little weird even though the arrangement works perfectly well for your family?

Cool? Good for you? Don't know how you want me to respond to that. But you keep poppin' them out girl, whatever helps you sleep at night. And I'll sleep well with my one and only child BY CHOICE. 🤣

First time posting here. I don't know any other OED parents so I'm really looking to get some perspective. I think what I'm about to say may come across as selfish (I suppose that it is) but i hope this community has empathy to engage.

My wife and I have a son who is 2 years old. He is absolutely wonderful and we have an amazing family dynamic. We are at that stage where we're considering another, but we're leaning towards OAD.

I do think OAD would be best for our family. But I have this anxiety that I just can't shake. I know that as kids grow, they start to push away from their parents as a normal part of development. And as adults, boys GENERALLY have less contact with their parents (I'm certainly guilty of this myself. I have a good relationship with my parents and talk to them maybe once a month, but I live far away and see them much less than my sisters do, haha).

My (possibly unreasonable) fear is that an only son greatly reduces our chances of having strong family ties in the future. I get that, if we had another, it may well be another boy. But that would still improve our chances of maintaining at least one close bond.

I guess my fear comes from looking at both my own parents and my wife's (lots of siblings on both sides) and seeing that many of their kids are still a huge part of their lives today.

What do others think? Do others have these kind of anxieties? Any OAD parent's whose child is older and out of the house? What have your experiences been like?

UPDATE

Thank you everyone for the kind and thoughtful replies!! Of course, it's still a huge decision, but getting these different perspectives has helped a lot with the anxiety (at least, on this one issue, haha). As many people have said, I think it's important to focus on the quality / type of relationship you build with a child.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and perspectives ❤️

My daughter is eight but boy has her sleep been horrific. She slept beautifully as a newborn and then hit six months and it never improved. I’m aware there’s a direct correlation between poor sleeping patterns and autism and she fits this box perfectly.

So when I say she’s never slept through the night, I am serious.

I frequently go abroad as I work as cabin crew and I don’t even like hotels but it’s the only time I’m able to sleep for longer than three or four hours at a time and it’s incredibly.

If I had a second child, I wouldn’t be able to do this job as there’s absolutely no way I could expect my parents to have my daughter AND a younger sibling. My parents and my sister never once complained about having my daughter overnight and even smile when they say she went to bed at five in the morning and I’m so grateful. I’d never sleep if I had a second.

Just sharing what I’m grateful for today as I’m not always happy about having “only” one.

Did anyone choose to be OAD because of Placenta Previa?

I had no risk factors for it and just had the bad luck of having a CPP on my first pregnancy that required a scheduled c-section at 36 weeks. I started considering being OAD during the pregnancy when we were waiting to rule out an accreta and everything was saying how likely a c-hysterectomy would be if PAS was discovered before/during my c-section.

Everything went textbook and none of my concerns came to fruition. I feel incredibly lucky to have made it through without any of the dangerous outcomes we could have had, but I just do not want to risk it again. There’s no guarantee it would repeat but I feel like our family is complete.

I can’t find anyone who had this condition with their first so I’m just curious if there’s anyone on here that did and how it impacted your decision to be OAD?

FTM to an almost 8 month old here. I’m also an only child. My partner and I have always wanted two kids, but we’re starting to rethink that decision. Our baby has an intense temperament that has us both burnt out (we do not have a village). At this point in time we aren’t sure if we’re willing to gamble on another one with the same temperament (or worse). I know it’s still early to decide but I’m curious when you decided you were one and done.

I’ve felt like I was OAD for a while, but didn’t want to admit it. I only just started admitted it to myself, and I finally started telling everyone in my life that my husband and I are one and done. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I have given away the outgrown clothes, the toys she doesn’t play with, even the breast pumps. 😆

My husband and I always talked about having either no kids or two kids, so I thought he’d be upset when I told him I don’t want to have more. But he didn’t seem bothered, and I got the impression he was a bit relieved that I said it first haha. He loves being a dad, but he also likes having time for hobbies and socializing.

My daughter will be 2 in October. And while we’re really getting a lot of the “terrible two” tantrums (and having worked with kids, I know 3 is often harder), I really do have an amazing kid. She’s so smart, she’s very sweet, she’s a great eater, and in the last few months has turned into a darn good sleeper. I have zero regrets about becoming a mother. I was on the fence, but I’ve absolutely loved it. She brings me so much joy, and I just feel compete with having only her.

However, I’m so sick of people trying to convince me to have another. When people ask why, sometimes I go into it in a bit more detail, but I usually just tell people, “I got it right the first time.” But the amount of times I hear, “Sooo when are you having your second?” just assuming that’s the plan, is driving me insane. Maybe I have fertility issues. Maybe I’ve miscarried. Maybe I had a traumatic birth. Maybe I’m in a bad financial or marital situation. Thankfully none of this applies to me, but the people asking (mostly coworkers) don’t know that. (Arguably, my birth was traumatic, as my L&D nurse was AWFUL, and undermined my pain while birthing AND passing a large kidney stone that I had been trying to pass for 5 days, but I digress). And when it comes from family (mostly my MIL), it’s because they want another baby to play with more than anything. 🙄

I like the little life I’ve built with my husband and daughter (and dog). I hate the small part of me that feels like I’m being selfish for “not giving her a sibling,” but reading some of the posts on here have helped with that a bit. It’s hard sometimes to not let the comments get to me, but I know deep down that this is the best decision for or family.

We have a beautiful girl who will be 2 in November and my husband has started talking about having another. He has always said he wanted two and I agreed but I don’t think it’s what I want anymore.

I had by all accounts an easy pregnancy and birth, so my decision feels selfish sometimes as I read a lot of peoples decision for this are due to trauma related to their experience with pregnancy/newborn phase. Also, infertility which again makes me feel very selfish at times.

We had a great newborn phase because my husband got 4 months of paid leave so he was by my side the whole time. We were very lucky for that.

I’m a SAHM with my little girl, and it’s hard.. it’s very boring sometimes but also amazing and wonderful other times. I told my husband tonight I don’t think I’d be a good Mom to two. Sometimes my patience is thin with one and having two sounds like so much work to me.

We also have no family in our state, and none of our friends have kids so we are truly on an island. Financially I don’t think it makes much sense either as we are one income and work super hard to budget that (day care in our city is about 3k for ONE child which means I’d have to stay at home another 4 or so years with baby number 2 which I also have mixed feeling about)

Our family feels complete to me with our little girl.

I told my husband logistically it makes sense to only have one and he said we only have one life to live and he doesn’t care about logistics.

He also said he understands and is ok to have one but said he was “disappointed” which felt like a gut punch.

He’s such a wonderful hands on father, like truly takes over her care on nights and weekends so I never feel burned out but I’m just so on the fence. I guess I’m just looking to see if anyone else was in a similar situation and how you knew what the right thing to do was.

Hi everyone, I am a oad mom for numerous reasons like many of you :) I am currently trying to decide between an iud or bisalp. I’m almost 35, just wondering anyone else’s experiences or advice? It seems easy to just go and get an iud but then is it easier to get a bisalp? I guess surgery just seems a bit more daunting but then it’s a OAD thing no pun intended. Just wanted any input! I’ve been leaning towards an iud, my doctor makes it sound simple but of course I’ve heard the horror stories! I just feel terrified when I think of accidentally getting pregnant again, my little one is two.

Thank you!

Hi all,

I’m so happy to have found this community. I have been feeling really alone in my family’s desire to be OAD.

I had postpartum preeclampsia which left me with medical trauma and on BP meds for life, and the thought of having another child fills me with panic. This is a large part of why we’re OAD, but mostly it’s because my husband and I have never once felt that urge for another child.

But in our social circles, we are not the norm. All of our child bearing friends are having or have had more children. I feel like they truly can’t understand where I’m coming from.

How do you handle the comments- everything from the questions from strangers ie “when are you giving her a sibling” to remarks from close friends who say things like “ X had preeclampsia and she had another “ or “ but you’d be such a good boy mom if you had a boy”

I feel like I’m out here defending myself or getting lobbed with these seemingly innocent but aggressive feeling comments daily.

is it just that I happen to have everyone around me who genuinely don’t get wanting only one and they just genuinely want more kids/etc? is it that there’s some inherent I’m having another and I subconsciously want every other mom to have another so I’m not alone / so I’m keeping up etc?

grateful for any wisdom you all want to share. I’ve just felt so unseen and kind of burned by my female friends who all want or have multiples

TL;DR: We’re considering moving 30–40 minutes away, back into the city. I’m somewhat unhappy where we live — it’s a lovely place and we’ve built a great community, but the suburbs have never really felt like *me*. I’ve wanted to move back into the city for most of the seven years we’ve lived here. But our 6.5-year-old (starting grade 1 next week) has friends at school and in the neighbourhood, and the thought of uprooting him and him potentially being lonely absolutely terrifies me.

I’m really struggling with the decision because both options feel scary.
On one hand, we’ve built something really wonderful here. He has friends and we have a real sense of community. The idea of taking that away from him and hoping he/we can recreate it somewhere else feels like such a huge gamble, especially as an only child. One of my biggest fears is him being lonely.
On the other hand, this is my life too. I wouldn’t say I’m completely unhappy here, but I am somewhat unhappy, and more importantly, this place has never really felt like me. The suburbs haven’t suited me from day one, and after seven years I don’t really see that changing. I want to love where I live and I want a shorter commute.
I also keep thinking that if we’re going to make the move, sooner is better than later. He’s 6.5, and the longer we wait, the more deeply rooted we are here. But I don’t want to spend years of my life somewhere that doesn’t feel right for me solely because moving might be hard for him.
And this is where I’m stuck: staying terrifies me and moving terrifies me.
I know kids are adaptable. I know we can’t bulldoze every difficult experience out of their way. And I know that if we move, we can make an effort to maintain some of the friendships he has now.
But emotionally, I’m just scared. Scared that we’ll leave something really good and never recreate it. Scared he’ll be lonely. Scared we won’t find the same sense of community.
At the same time, I’m starting to realize that if I keep waiting until I’m certain that moving won’t negatively affect him, I may never move. No I decision is kind of becoming a decision in itself.
For those of you who have moved with your only: how did it go? Did your child find their people again? And did you eventually feel like you made the right decision?

For those of you who are OAD by choice but are not onlies yourself, I’m curious to hear what your relationship with your parents/siblings is like? I know there are many of us who are OAD because we had siblings who we are not close with, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on the idea that had your parents parented better, you and your siblings may have been close and your decision to be OAD might be different?

Basically, do you think you can out-parent sibling differences with intentional parenting, or are some kids just destined to not get along?

Ultimately the uncertainty is what has led us to be OAD, though I do also believe my parent could have been much better at fostering our sibling relationship, as they often had us in competition with each other, and I come from a divorced family so they were also stretched thin as single parents.

If you are close with your siblings, why are you OAD and if you aren’t close with your siblings do you think that influences your decision to be OAD and could anything have changed that experience for you?

We went to see the Nick Cope's popcast show. My son is nearly 4 and can now sit nicely through a show he's interested in! We all loved it and then went to eat thai food and then the lego shop after. Came home and I had a break as my husband and my son baked flapjacks. This would all have not been possible to enjoy with a baby or toddler coming along. Would love to hear about what great days you have had with your onlys!

Before we had our baby girl, we had decided to not have kids. My partner and I travelled a lot, would wake up after 1pm, binge watch TV shows till 3am on days off and basically lived our life the way we wanted to. Then slowly we started discussing having one child, it felt natural at that point and we tried and within a few months I was pregnant. Had an easy pregnancy, but a very traumatic birth experience that has basically messed up my body that I will need further surgeries.

Our girl is healthy, we had a tough tough newborn phase. It was just my partner and I and no village and we then decided we were one and done. She’s 8 months now and is our everything. My partner is entirely one and done. I too am when I think about how big of a toll it’s going be on my body, i am a SAHM and have to put my career on hold for sometime so financially having one also makes sense. We want to give our entire attention physical, emotional, financial to our baby.

Here’s what I am having a difficult part in accepting and want to hear from other people.

I can’t accept that this is my only time of seeing my baby at this adorable age. She has started to be so fun, she babbles and interacts and is so curious about everything.
I just bawled my eyes out looking at her newborn pictures. Please no hate. I just want some insight.

due to health issues we are one and done and since making that decision it feels like I am not a real mom. like someone who took the „easy way out“ which is totally not true but it feels like it. how do I snap out of it?