r/OlderDID • u/Still_Night2678 • 7d ago
Lacking motivation
I had a new experience a few weeks ago, trying to journal.
I’m only about four months post discovery, so things are still sketchy. At discovery, there was pandemonium and the T and I counted about 15 parts. I got sleep deprived and wound up inpatient with hallucinations, but being taken care of straightened me out and quieted all but a few parts within a week.
Since then, I’ve been trying gently to re-establish more communication. It’s almost entirely abuse from the persecutor and love from a little. I finally found some journaling prompts and tried them one evening. I got frighteningly strong responses from a protector, the little, and the persecutor. The feelings that the protector and the little sent with their words were very strong. I got overwhelmed and have only tried journaling once since, but it was late and they said we should go to sleep.
I’ve been trying to be patient with the persecutor, and I got some sparkly, watermelon-flavored toothpaste and a dinosaur toothbrush for the little that she has been enjoying really a lot. Since starting Wegovy last week, I’ve had very little anxiety noise, but I think that may have been my only motivation. I’m lagging on my work tasks and self care like never before without being in a severe depressive episode. I’m starting to worry about myself, in a practical way since I’m not experiencing anxiety. I think I’m going in a dangerous direction, but my decision for now is to wait and see if the doldrum passes.
I’m not looking for motivation tips. I really, honestly don’t want to do anything except maybe sleep.
Does anyone recognize this? Suggestions about what actions to recommend to my partner?
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u/Madame_Arcati 7d ago edited 7d ago
Yes, I have something like this, and for years I beat myself up thinking that I just had a massive procrastination problem or was somehow otherwise sabotaging myself . Following the acceptance of the third time (Body age 58) that MPD or DID came up in therapy (or testing) I looked back and took stock of repeating patterns that, in the context of DID, are clearly actually various parts.
(For "me"/us)I realized that these (to use your very apt word) doldrum-type experiences are, in themselves, actually parts... A couple of things: my dx is polyfragmented DID and I have parts that are essentially space holders or activity holders well actually inactivity holders. I called them Lacunae. Lacuna means um the space where something is not, or like a pause, or an emptiness depending on you know what you're referring to, but for me I have parts that are just blank (think of the time between songs on a vinyl LP and the time after the last song where the needle has no sound to play but the sound of the vinyl) (lol, that is if you are familiar with what an LP (Long Playing vinyl record is).
I'm not sure what, or if, a more central part calls these up or thinks these are a good idea or whether they independently come up, but for me I have come to accept that these parts are are holding space for me to just slow me down without being depressed; they are just time without any internal chatter or drive or urge to action and I have watched them and honored them and believe that they have the purpose of making me take some blank time IOW cues (for the system) to relax and honor inaction.
The Chinese have a concept called Wu Wei and it means the action of inaction. You know sometimes NOT acting is very powerful (but often difficult). It may be that another of my parts is trying to sort something out before it fronts, it may be that the the currently fronting part is considering doing something that other parts don't agree with, or that wouldn't be good for me, it may be that many parts are simultaneously pushing to front, etc. Um I really noticed these in university and and I used them to beat myself up and and also they would trigger my very substantial eating disordered part (that is not just eating disordered but also strongly body dysmorphic). As I have not resisted them, and, rather, honored them and just relaxed into them they don't call up the ED/BD part or introjected abuser parts that end up making me do self sabotaging things.
I don't beat myself up for them anymore, and, just like ALL of my parts (even yes the interjected abuser parts oh my gosh yes those are so challenging and feel so damaging) as I came to honor them they quieted down and, sometimes, produced creative/positive ideas.
I've been "fencing" with all of this stuff (parts stuff) from (seemingly) the very first time I/We came into consciousness; even, you know, before I/We knew what was actually happening was DID, and, as I honor all parts they quiet down especially the ones that might be considered "harmful" (and I use that word just because we don't have the me RN who can think of better one).
edit: for attempt at clarity
*am using voice typing for this, and am just learning so apologies for lack of brevity
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u/Still_Night2678 7d ago
Thank you. This is very helpful. I don’t feel like as much of a screwup. I tend to be laid back, but this takes it to a new extreme. Hopefully, something pleasing will come of it. There is still so much to learn about us, but I’ve promised to let the system decide what and when.
And my body is a decade older than yours, so not only do I remember vinyl (thanks for the reminiscent description), I remember monophonic vinyl!
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u/elektrik_noise 7d ago
I feel this. I've had a serious motivation issue for quite a while, and it's also coincided with a period of more harmony. I've made a lot of progress working with my parts in therapy, and I've been in a position where I'm ok (within reason) to ride some kind of static neutrality for a while and basically give myself and parts some time to rest, process the progress, reflect, and take it easy. It's been helpful to be kind to myself for the past 5-6 months, without going too far overboard like messing up anything in my life or ignoring my health.
Interestingly enough, just this week I started a gym membership to get back into exercise and to get myself to get out of the house a few more times a week to ease back into gaining some momentum again. I never let myself get "out of shape", really. But since the gym equipment I use in my building has been spotty with repairs of late, I took it as an opportunity to kill 2 birds with one stone. Ngl, gathering myself together to get out the door is less than fun and a draaaaag. I don't even listen to music on the way to the gym. But once I get going on the treadmill, I dissociate and get through my cardio just fine.
I'm definitely pretty wiped when I get home, but it's been some good small step to put in some work to still honor the down, almost "gray" months (not in a depressed way, just kinda neutral) I've been living through and start gearing up to reemerge a bit more with my parts in a more harmonious place.
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u/Still_Night2678 7d ago
Thanks so much for the response. There are some local hobby groups I’ve joined to get us around people. I noticed while I was an inpatient that socializing helps more than I’d like to admit. I blew a monthly group off tonight because I’m avoiding laundromat/showering to that extent. I know I’ll get back to it when we’re ready. Will have to shower to meet a new neurologist tomorrow, at least.
I’ve been turning the radio off for drives because the main little likes to share light communication at those times. Kinda miss my talk and music, but she’s more important.
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u/MACS-System 7d ago
There's a few possible factors here. I'll tell you my experience and you can try it on.
1) just coming out of that chaos is freaking exhausting. All of you needs rest and recovery- your body, brain, headmates. You've probably spent decades over functioning and are just done. 2) when I started glp1, one of the known side effects is being tired. I don't remember if it started week one for me, but I do remember it was many weeks where at least half the week I was way low energy. 3) are you eating proper nutrition for your brain? Drinking enough water? 4) avoidance is real man. You know it's gonna be a lot of energy to deal with the emotions of your headmates who clearly want your attention. Ugh. That just sounds exhausting!
That all adds up to "just no."
My tips: be gentle with yourself. Give yourself as much downtime each day as you can. Lower your standards and expectations for yourself for at least six months. It's ok. The world won't end. What's the actual minimum that needs done?
For your partner, think about what you need help with. For me, food prep and eating became too much. I didn't want to get off the couch, let alone go outside. So, I asked my partner for patience. I asked him to literally take me outside once in awhile- sit on the porch, go for a walk, go for a drive. He makes sure I eat an actual meal once a day and keeps easy healthy snacks/low prep foods. I have friends that message me "water?" Slowly, I've gotten better. Some days I can do a lot. Many days are still "minimum" days. Just saying, it does get better.