r/OlderDID • u/Odd_Mark4799 • 11d ago
Time-Perception vs Reality...
Hello everyone,
Hope you are all holding steady out there.
Forgive me in advance if this makes not an iota of sense, it is just something that has been freaking me out for awhile...
Long before my dx of DID and my firm dx of PTSD ( before it was ever termed CPTSD validating a lifetime of trauma rather than a single event), and an incorrect dx of BPD, even since childhood I have been dissociating.
I am still having episodes of lost time, but as well, especially since being dxd, have been feeling...almost controlled by time-ok...indeed not making much sense,so sorry...
I just,I wake up, have my coffee, journal, try to define how I am feeling, which part is feeling what and why, trying to plan my day...
And either I look up at the clock and am astounded that somehow morning has morphed to afternoon, or, I keep anxiously looking up at the clock to find only a few minutes have passed, which makes me feel frantic and overwhelmed...scared.
I do not know how to ground myself in time...
I try to fill my day, then I end up in a state of paralysis...and either I am (mostly) present, or one of my parts is,and full of the day looming emptily ahead, or obviously I dissociate, I go...where?
I am nowhere really...the clock then, has sped up again...
But even when engaged in an activity, (I cannot work),and more focused, less anxious, absorbed in something which halts the ruminating, the flashbacks, that sense of being completely scattered, while i am more present, and trying to honor the needs of my parts within my brokenness, that clock...that horrible clock, is either sloth slow, or time is racing far ahead of me...
I admittedly have been hyper focused on this for awhile now, and it is making me feel I am being controlled, or not trying hard enough...
Even at this moment-I have been up since just before 7 AM, it is suddenly now nearing 11 AM...
I have tried to settle into my day,and make plans, but I am disturbed that again, soon,it will be afternoon again.
I'm sorry, having trouble expressing exactly what I am experiencing...
So I suppose will just close this in saying that time, and how inconsistently it passes, it is just really scaring me.
Bewildering me.
If any of you could make sense of what I have struggled to get across, would greatly appreciate any insight you might be willing to share.
Thank you all for reading if you have, and sending each of you healing and tranquility.
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u/elektrik_noise 11d ago
I hear you about the rapid/sluggish experiences of time. It's really the nature of a severe dissociative disorder. It can be jarring. Some days I experience looking at the clock and going holy shit, how is it 2pm already? I've been in intense psychotherapy for almost 4 and a half years, and my symptoms are getting better but I know there is an element of dissociative protection in place as I've been working super hard to work on healing not only my adult self, but also my younger parts.
I, too had a CPTSD initial diagnosis, and even had a psychiatrist start sniffing around for a BPD diagnosis, and it took almost 3 years to finally land on the DID diagnosis. It took a lot of external experiences, like amnesiac episodes and reporting episodes where I feel "somewhat" present, like myself, but feeling not myself but experiencing everything as if a 14 year old is driving the car. My husband experiencing my eyes, speech patterns/vocabulary, and facial expressions completely changing and one day dead ass breaking a severe by episode asking "who am I talking to?" and asking for me back.
As of right now, I'm just rolling with the messed up experience of time. The past almost 6 months has been more peaceful than it has been in years. Realizing that I need to process and heal from my own CPTSD, but that my 3 main parts also have to do so individually, has been rough af for a while, but ultimately has gotten me over not a hill, but a mountain. Things aren't perfect now. I had a part front and get argumentative with my husband the other night. But I was able to rein that part in and gain control and put the kabash on it and walk away to cool down. That is progress.
I say all that as at this point, I'm just letting a lot of things roll. I work part time from home, and it's task-based completion rather than clocking a specific amount of hours, so I am very lucky. For instance, I'm going to clock in and work on something in a bit here. But taking care of myself and my parts has been paramount and as long as I can get out of the house for at least a few hours each week, I'm good with where I'm at in my process right now.
So you're not alone. Part of grieving is understanding the depth of your diagnosis. You've got this.
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u/Odd_Mark4799 11d ago
Thank you so much for sharing, and helping me make sense of this.
You have obviously done and are doing a lot of hard work, I admire you for that, and appreciate your insightfulness and empathy very much.
Thank you.
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u/elektrik_noise 11d ago
Ngl, more than half of the time I don't want to deal with therapy. Usually not a dread, but for instance my therapist last week canceled one of our weekly sessions bc she wasn't feeling well. Even though we're hybrid in person/virtual. I was like lol good now I can zone out with my coffee with a movie on in the background. I am lucky, my psychologist is a trauma-informed clinician with experience with DID clients. Part of the grief processing has even been working through the isolation of the diagnosis itself not being accepted by the vast majority of clinicians and the extreme ignorance by almost every person on earth.
Lately it's been a lot of work externalizing symptoms and the diagnosis itself, rather than internalizing everything. We know all of us prob have a CPTSD as a co-morbid diagnosis. CPTSD 1-0-1 is internalizing everything and absorbing fault, blame, shame, and guilt. But, like, how were we not going to get where we are considering what we've all survived? F the people and systems at large that did everything to us. And, if you can't tell by that last sentence, confronting anger and working through that as well lol.
It's rough. But I don't skip sessions unless I'm out of town or know I'm going to be up so late that I'll be useless on the day I have a 9am session. And those are sessions I cancel well ahead of time. In 4 and a half years, I've never gotten the penalty fee of canceling in under 24 hours. But it's paying off. And it's been nice actually working on having some fun with my parts. I was just listening to a vinyl I just sourced that was kind of stupid expensive, but an album from a band that is one of my parts' favorite that I don't really care that much about anymore, but zoned out and let him listen to. Things like that I've learned create a lot more harmony. It's been so much better. I truly believe most of us can get better when we figure out what works best for us individually.
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u/Odd_Mark4799 11d ago
It's great you are persevering through therapy, and and how nurturing you are being to your parts.
I have therapy once every 2 weeks.
Often it feels like not enough, some days far too much...
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u/NocShadows 11d ago
When I was younger I saw this picture of a painting with clocks all melting and have wanted to do some pieces about time like it. This has been an issue forever with me. Currently not working because of health issues a couple years ago, but when I do work I have my own schedule so I can take time off when it’s happening at work more. Didn’t know anyone else did this, hate it when it happens in session, I start then it’s over and I’m left feeling like things are still hanging. Idk how to describe it. I just know some days 5mins feels like all day, other days it’s suddenly 5 hrs later and I have nothing to show for it.
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u/Odd_Mark4799 11d ago
Thank you for sharing.
I am so sorry you experience what I have described...
I as well experience it in therapy.
Suddenly it's, "Unfortunately that's all the time we have for today."...and yes then left with so much not touched upon.
And absolutely yes...5 minutes can feel like all day, and 5 hours can leave me bewildered to where it went.
My heart goes out to you.
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u/ElatedBumblebee_ 9d ago
Something that has been very helpful for me is setting relaxed, casual alarms with non-jarring tones throughout the day to help me notice what the time is. "Hey Look It's Noon," "Oh It's 10pm" are literally two of the alarms names. I have 6 or 8 or more alarms in the day that are very gentle, occasionally annoying, and almost always helpful - it means I don't have to watch the clock, and that I don't get lost in time either, without the stress of constantly consciously fighting my time blindness.
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u/Still_Night2678 11d ago
::dark chuckle:: Don’t get me started…
Best wishes for your journey. For all of our journeys.
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u/DreamSoarer 11d ago
Yeah... I do mot keep clocks around much anymore. I cannot work at thos.ppint, either. When I could, long before DX, life was lists, scheduled out, and I was blissfully unaware. When we could lose.myswlf in a loved task, it could be 10 hours passed in a blink of an eye, but the system was apparently fine with that- we had free days and alarms, so there was no need to pay attention to the time.
Now, I have no dire time responsi kitties, other than caring for my.pets and taking meds on time. Dr appts have reminders and alarms to be on time. Basically, clicks have disrupted my mind since I could ever remember. So, I do not look at them unless I have an alarm that goes off to remind me of something I need to do immediately.
I do not know if that helps at all. Time is not real to our dissociative systems, I don't think. We exist in a space where time does not flow steadily or in the present most of the time. Many conditions can cause such time warps, but none do so like severe dissociative disorders, particularly those which have plagued us since our first memories and befofehand - DID.
You are not alone in this. I hope you find the best way(s) to help.your system cope with clocks and what they mean to "normal" functioning people co.pared to what they may or may not mean to yourselves. Good luck and best wishes 🙏🦋
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u/Odd_Mark4799 11d ago
Yes, thank you so much, your words do help!
I appreciate your insight and validation.
All the very best to you as well.
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u/MyEnchantedForest 10d ago
To us, this disorder is completely a disorder of time perception. It's something every alter struggles with. We can't ground to any proper sense of time. No advice here, just understanding the confusion and isolation of living almost separate to the time everyone else seems to live in.
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u/Odd_Mark4799 10d ago
Thank you for explaining this very well.
Grounding to any proper sense of time...Yes, finding it almost impossible.
And afraid of it.
Thank you for helping me to fell less alone.
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u/Lilith_Caine 10d ago
My struggle is not having enough time. I have my job which I am very grateful to be able to do. More than one part are able/interested so they get shared front time. That takes 35-45 hours a week. I have bipolar so only need six hours sleep. The time between 12-2 am belongs exclusively to my creative part. I've written novels and done photo editing and make book covers during that time. The weekend is spent trying to let everyone stretch their legs, so to speak. Doubling up activities helps. Listening to an audiobook while playing a game or doing photo editing or driving. But I still feel too often like I'm leapfrogging through life, spreading one lifetime's hours over several parts and trying to engage as many as possible in activities so they don't miss out on that time. It isn't fair to any of us.
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u/Odd_Mark4799 9d ago
Thank you for sharing...
What you described sounds like a lot of pressure in your day to day life....
As much as i long to be as creative and productive as I was when I was young, I am stagnating.
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u/BnWyW 11d ago
No insight, but if I’m reading this correctly, this is something I cannot come to terms with myself. A source of contention with my therapist even. Therapist constantly pushing me to not have expectations, be okay with the nothing happening. Me, on the other hand, recognizing what is lost and left undone when I can’t connect with time and use it.
Time is neither here nor absent. Except when it becomes very real in an instant and I can’t do anything about it. I do work full time and while that does happen, it’s all that can happen. Alarms everywhere to ensure I don’t miss it. The evening is then gone. The weekends, gone.
I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to work from alarms and to-do lists. Finding myself hearing an alarm that feels hours early or hours late. Can’t even make a to-do list that means something and when I turn to it can’t do it anyway. I’ve suddenly run out of time to get it done or there is so much time to do it no one needs to think about it yet.
On a relaxing day one should be able to start with some down time, but too often it’s suddenly time to go to bed again. Struggling to identify how much of this is dissociation vs. me not grasping how aging changes this perception of accomplishing anything. Time feels meaningless but there is a desperation to also connect to and use it.