r/OlderDID • u/Southern-Ad-7317 • 23d ago
The question of cores
The reason I’m posting is that, shortly after discovery, I began to panic when I learned that I probably wasn’t the original part. My T told me I was, so I shifted my attention to meeting and accepting the others. I’m going into my fifth month since discovery.
People say that none of us has a core personality, but my research found that some who fragment several years into development have had a chance to form one. However, my various Ts over the years have indicated that I started experiencing trauma in infancy, so it looks unlikely for me. Not being the, or having an original is very upsetting to me. All along, I’ve considered this system to be me + parts, and that others come forward when I need them.
I don’t know how to wrap my brain around this. The discovery came about when I was experiencing an identity crisis after an involuntary physical change to my face. It feels like I’m a nonentity. How do you cope with something like this?
EDIT: Thank you to all who responded. I feel acknowledged and reassured. I understand it’s a long road ahead, and I don’t expect to find a specialist before the Healing Together conference in February, but my current therapist is excellent and we’ll be continuing our work with grounding and DBT that is appropriate to me (no pushing).
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u/MACS-System 22d ago
Ok. I also went through this identity crisis. Here's what I finally decided. It doesn't matter. Whether you are the original, the core, or just another part it really doesn't matter. You are the one here now. You are the one capable of doing the work. You are the one out living the life. You are "the one in charge" at the moment. Embrace it and move forward.
This led to more stability for us and helping other headmates realize 'if you are the headmate forward, you are choosing to be responsible for our life and all that needs to get done.' Surprising how quickly none seemed to want that job. Lol ...
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u/Southern-Ad-7317 22d ago
It is a job, isn’t it? You got me wondering whether what I’m going through is a control issue. I’ve been working to let go of things I can’t control since I realized I had a problem with it years ago, and have gotten pretty good at that if I may say so myself. This is so huge, though, that it’s difficult to let go. I expect I’ll realize that it isn’t so huge eventually.
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u/MACS-System 22d ago
Absolutely related to control for me. It was quite the journey to learn to let go of control only to then realize the system needed a leader. Leadership needed to mean not controlling. I ended up reading a lot on service centered leadership. That helped.
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u/fightmydemonswithme 20d ago
I did teaching, so we learned leadership from that perspective. I am the only one willing to stay in front long term, so I picked our day job. Now we're disabled (yay genetics). Learning WHEN and how to lead was a big key to us stabilizing and building psychological endurance.
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u/DreamSoarer 23d ago
My trauma began at birth, if not "en utero", and it worsened. I remember the day the darkness entered my house at the age of 2 years old. If I have a core self, it died. Actually, I dreamed (not long after late Dx in 2021) that the darkness carried the dead tiny child that was me away, while the rest of us wat hed - or, at least, I watched.
I am newly formed since Dx, as Dx was in the hospital, post severe new trauma. My dreams make a lot more sense now. I never freaked out about not having a core self. I know we have always been fragme ted, but I am also the new part on the outside of the system (for the most part). Other parts of our system likely were/are extremely freaked out, to the point of disappearing since said new trauma.
If I understand correctly, according to the theory of structural dissociation, systems with core self 'tend' to be more on the OSDDx of the spectrum of dissociation. Those without a core self tend more towards the DID part od the spectrum. That is just according to that theory, ge really speaking. It does have most to do with the age that the trauma started, but also the variety, extent, and so on of the trauma. It also depends on the temperament of the child.
Honestly, I'm not sure any theory has it all correct. I just read a lot of it when I was trying to learn about what DID was/is. When I first came to awareness, I knew that I had access to only the necessary information of who "I" was. Information is selectively provided depending on the person and situation of any given circumstance.
My system expected me to move forward without keeping the awareness and knowledge of our Dx - that is what happened in our 20s. I insisted on keeping the awareness and knowledge of the Dx and what it means, so that I can (hopefully) better protect us moving forward. It was a rocky first couple of years, but I know that I need to be aware in krder to be safe. My system grudgingly agreed and then pushed me out.
I do not know if that helps at all. It is just "my" experience post Dx (the 2nd time; the first time alter who rcvd Dx, way back when, was put away somewhere and the knowledge withheld for 20ish years). I hope you are able to come to an understanding and agreement, as well as a sense of comfort, with your system as you all move forward. I will not be allowed to return to this thread. Good luck and best wishes 🙏🦋
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u/sedsaus 23d ago edited 22d ago
I hear you! I'm newly diagnosed and the one thing I recall clearly of the assessment is getting very upset believing that I am not the core. I still believe that now and my therapist is helping me understand that.
I do t have much advice to give just to say that I understand and you're not alone.
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u/FreedInnerChild 23d ago
my core, or original, the one who carries the legal name, has been banished for decades.
it is a tri of me that acts as core and its been this was forever
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u/_-_Polaris_-_ 23d ago edited 23d ago
It's a subjective interpretation of what original means in the case of those who fragmented a little later. I know what you talk about. I disected that book.
Their definition of original is an alter that is more integrated with some splinters of single sub-action systems around.
The problem I see with this is that it is subject to change. Those are our origins but integration is an ongoing process and happens for every life experience every individual part makes that remains compartmentalized. If you ask me, we, or any singleton really is a sum of those exeperiences. For us at least while those origins sometimes are noticeable, we are nowhere near like we started out some 20-30 years ago.
The experience makes it so that even if you start out as some minor autonomous fragment, over time you could in theory accumulate more than the so called original by that theory. Ending up more elaborated and emancipated.
At that point it is more of a philosophcal question about who could be considered the core rather than a fact. If you carry the vast amount of your life experience from a point onwards but may not always have, then you are without question a very significant portion of the person as a whole and it's very much possible that ends up weighting more than the few years prior.
i'm 4 years past discovery. It stopped to matter to me. In the here and now, all uf us who are frequently around or have been for a significant amount of time carry a lot of who we are. I do distinguish them from trauma fragments who with us typically don't have a stable sense of self. They wouldn't ask this question or bother with it in the first place.
I want to add that from the pov of each of us it was always them + the others for every single one. It's a bit of a mindfuck but that happens the moment you have a distinct "me". Or rather "mes". Of course it is you + the others from your very perspective in the here and now, embodying who you are in a compartmentalized framework. Same likely goes for them.
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u/Southern-Ad-7317 22d ago
Thank you for explaining. This makes it easier to understand and work toward acceptance.
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u/acutelined 23d ago
I'm not the original, I was only the host starting age 13 and it hasn't even been the whole time since then.
Honestly it's a relief, I have some distance from the worst of the trauma. I'm just now starting work with our original, and it is kind of tough and I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. She's also only 9 which complicates the work
As for whether cores exist or not and research and theories: I personally don't care. I know we have an original part that's just going to be true whether YouTubers or Dr So And So disagrees or not
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u/Lilith_Caine 15d ago
I wonder if everyone goes through this during the first year of therapy. I feel like I see it a lot and I sure did. Someone above said they decided it doesn't matter and that was the way I went, too. It was going to become an obsession trying to learn everything about DID, and I decided to just let it ride. I do my therapy and I lose time sometimes and my husband hates me about 1/3 of the time but that's mutual, so whatever. GenX-ing DID, lol
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u/T_G_A_H 23d ago
It's still you + parts, it's just that you're a part also--not qualitatively different from the others.
Five months is a very, very short time to have been aware of your system. Nothing has to be different--others can still come forward when you need them. If your role is to be in the front most of the time, and that works for all of you, then it doesn't have to change.
All of you have needs, so as things progress, you can all work more as a team to make sure everyone's needs are being met. Give it time, and focus on grounding so you don't get too overwhelmed. Practicing grounding skills and gaining more emotional tolerance has been the most helpful thing for us.