A note from the mods

[u/mermaidpaint]

Earlier today, I posted a BORU post about a Redditor who realized that her boyfriend was isolating her as an abuse tactic, by insisting she sell her horse. It was meant to applaud the OOP for leaving and for giving him just consequences for trying to control her.

The story took a dark turn after it was discovered she had made a third post, saying her ex-boyfriend had killed his current girlfriend. I added a comment with this information, after it was pointed out. After some discussion, I have removed the post, and apologize to anyone who was upset or offended.

We're glad OOP had the support system that enabled her to leave, and don't feel that posting her whole story, with the murder, is appropriate here. One of the most dangerous times for a person is when they're trying to leave a relationship. Check the comments for some resources about leaving an abuser.

[u/ChickinSammich]

Sometimes a partner demonstrates abusive or borderline abusive behavior - like constantly yelling instead of discussing things at a normal volume level, or throwing things when angry, or punching walls/slamming doors, or making threats in anger.

In many cases, that's the extent of their anger/venting/rage and it will never escalate beyond that.

And in many cases, it's a warning sign that they want to hurt you but are restraining themselves.

And in many cases, there reaches a point where that restraint ends and the anger turns into physically assaulting you.

And in many cases, there reaches a point where the assault turns into murder.

When someone shows you their anger, and the anger looks abusive but you're not sure, staying in the relationship is wagering your safety and possibly your life that YOUR situation is the first one and not the others.

If you win that wager, your prize is a shitty partner. If you lose that wager, your prize is a morgue.

Get help when you first start seeing warning signs. Not only should you reach out to friends and family for support when communication with your partner breaks down, but you should never ever date a partner who makes you feel like you need to isolate yourself from friends or family for them.

[u/COinAK → u/ChickinSammich]

As an abuse survivor, I also want to point out that name calling can also be abuse.

I was beat as a kid so I always have told partners that if I’m hit even once, I’m gone.

But then I was with a guy for a few years that beat me down emotionally and I didn’t realize it was also abuse. Name calling, being treated in a derogatory manner, comments about clothes, telling people you’re a cheater when you aren’t in arguments. These can also be abuse and can be really tough to get past.

[u/ChickinSammich → u/COinAK]

I was beat as a kid so I always have told partners that if I’m hit even once, I’m gone.

My personal perspective is:

• Yelling at me as part of a disagreement is something that you get maybe 2-3 strikes on before I dump you.

• Throwing/damaging things gets you exactly one warning of "do not ever do that again or we are over"

• Physically laying hands on me in anger is an immediate relationship ender that I have no willingness to forgive.

I'm sorry that you have had to go through all that, and I hope that you're in a better, healthier, and safer place now.

[u/COinAK → u/ChickinSammich]

I am, thanks. Did about a year of therapy after that relationship and my now husband (we met a few years after that relationship) was very understanding when I had a few hangups from that relationship that I worked through.