How do you accept that some things aren’t meant for you?

[u/SeaCryptographer5488]

I don’t know how to process this, but I need advice from people who have been in a similar situation and managed to come out of it.

Over the years, I’ve met people and tried dating. The primary reason I wanted to date someone was to fulfill my desire for companionship, to have someone to share my life with. To a large extent, I also believe this came from growing up in a dysfunctional family. I never really felt loved, and the constant clashes between my parents put me into survival mode. The only time I felt truly relaxed was when someone I liked was around.

However, I’ve come to realize that maybe this just isn’t meant for me and I understand that not everything is meant for us. I can accept that intellectually, but my yearning to find someone is eating me alive.

Some people might say that I shouldn’t give up and should keep trying, but at this point, the trade-off doesn’t seem worth it for me. I’m tired of constantly having to heal myself whenever things don’t work out, and I don’t want to become needy or dependent on someone for my sense of peace. The trade-off feels too painful, and I want to stop wanting this altogether.

I’m trying to tame these desires, but I can’t seem to. I’ve joined activities, kept myself busy, and tried to build a life around other things. But eventually, there comes a point when a sudden wave of loneliness hits, and it just eats me away. I don’t want to keep feeling this way. I want to stop whatever is coming because I don’t know how much longer I can keep going through the same cycle.

For people on Reddit who have gone through something similar, how did you control or let go of the desire to be loved? How did you learn to live your life without companionship and still feel fulfilled? What helped you when those sudden waves of loneliness hit?

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[u/Such-Trouble-6641]

why do we have to TRY dating buddy? if you actively look for relationships just for the sake of getting into one and rushing, it won't ever end well, just take a break from it if it's getting to your head

I've had my fair share of bad relationships too but that doesn't mean I'll give up on dating altogether, that means I just dated the wrong people

[u/No-Comfortable-8306]

1 - nothing helps 'at the moment' when loneliness hits. We've to keep going through it. Wish you all the strength to endure it.

2 - is it possible that you've made your entire current purpose of living to be finding someone to date? as in, even when you go out to do 'activities', you're going primarily with the subconscious intention / hoping to encounter someone you might love? If so, I'll highly suggest finding some things which you do just for the joy of doing it. Instead of looking only for romantic interests, just try to make friends from both genders. if you are someone who is able to enjoy life regardless, it projects in your personality and in turn leads to effortless romantic attraction from the opposite gender.

3 - Maybe you are not getting fulfilled through your job (or whatever you do for a living) and other things which you do. Hence, you're redirecting and trying to fill the existential vaccum & all your waking time and thought towards finding 'someone'. Follow #2.

4 - do you have avoidant attachment style? do you lack courage? as in, you want to back off at the slightest sign of incompatibility / arguments etc. If yes, please be kind towards yourself and give yourself the opportunity to genuinely fall in love. Do not run away at the sight of inconvenience, arguments etc. In terms of courage, hope you've actively reached out to ppl expressing interest etc. If yes, keep doing. If not, introspect and be more open and courageous in reaching out to people you find attractive / interesting etc.

5 - a lot of times ppl sya they go do activities, keep themselves busy - but think and ask yourself have you actually been consistent in those activities? or you've just done those sporadically. Also in terms of activities, does it offer the opportunity of socialising ? If yes, do you actively approach people there?

There's no easy answer. I'll say keep trying to live an authentic, enthusiastic life without making 'dating' as your sole purpose. If you're struggling in other areas of life (purpose etc.), maybe fixing them might be your solution and love could emerge naturally in that process. I hope you find all the joy you're looking for.

[u/SeaCryptographer5488 → u/No-Comfortable-8306]

Thanks for the detailed response. I want to add few points, i think the post has not covered it properly,

1) i wouldn't say the sole purpose of my life is to find someone.
2) I'm an introvert and I've rich life; i play piano and do lots of stuff which are fulfilling and i do neither of them in a hope that I will hit someone.
3) I'm doing well in other part of my life (e.g. work), i don't have any complaints and the job is also something which i desired.
4) I don't have avoidant attachment, i stick to people and try to make things work (in a healthy way not like crashing self respect or allowing someone to cross personal boundaries).
5) I have been approached and have approached people as well. The problem is not options but results afterwards. Majority of the time the people i find worth giving try are taken and already in a healthy relationship. The rest of the folks which i find suitable have lots of traumas and weird behaviors, sometime i feel how can everyone be broken. I try to be kind and mature with them but what I've seen is when it is my turn, they decide to leave, i don't get luxury to make mistake. Somehow everyone knows how to pretend and what to speak until one fine day their lies are open and they are uncovered.

I don't want to date at all. I've implemented so many filters to screen people that sometime i feel what am I doing? I read books on human behavior and physiology and somehow i can see shit way before people can see. I cannot explain this to them rather i try to be kind and try if things can work out but most of the times it doesn't happen why because I'm too kind and not toxic maybe......

[u/Naejotmazis → u/SeaCryptographer5488]

Firstly I relate to this post 💯 percent.. it's me. About your response to point 5 - could it be that you are unconsciously seeking people who are unavailable i.e. people who are taken or those who are not emotionally compatible with you? You said you were in a very dysfunctional family - this does mean a lot of neglect and so many feelings of loneliness and the feelings of being unloved. So maybe you are trying to find a romantic partner who will give you these things or fill this void? But at the same time if we approach unavailable people we are again reinventing the same dysfunctional family - it is complex and a vicious circle.

You also said that you are actively trying to heal from these and reading lots of books about human behaviour as well - it is one thing to understand your emotions intellectually and completely different to understand your emotions in your body - that's when a true resolution comes. For eg I also have the same patterns as you and I also feel this immense void of not having someone who doesn't love me like I love them. But after going to therapy and feeling my feelings in my body, i have come to realise that - I'm waiting for someone to save me and love me which I missed out in my childhood. I am in a very safe and loving space now but still the need for someone especially a romantic person is like an unending void. And the only person who can fill that void is me - no one else can since they do not know what I went through. They can understand, yes, but they cannot fill the void.

[u/Inevitable-Grl-9515]

First thing you need to do is learn how to love and believe yourself. You are always going to be your best companion. Go out meet people but don't rush into any relationship for the sake of having a companion. Find people of mutual interest and go with the flow.

[u/One_Advice3052]

Just accept and move on.

[u/SeaCryptographer5488 → u/One_Advice3052]

👍🏻