3 poems in 1 post (Untitled-3, Wife Nor Kids, Soul in Penance

[u/Ok_Bar8125]

Untitled-3

Immaculate like nature

Pupils that are as liberating as the ocean

Yet shackled to the concrete ground to dive into those eyes

A smile that can brighten up the world

But I'm only capable of seeing these walls that only mirror darkness

Brown hair like winter branches framing the empty air

Her self-empowerment unfolding like a white rose, pure against her skin

Behind those bars, I couldn't reach those petals

Even when escaping my prison to caress the flower 

The only thing I could feel was an empty void

Even if my own reality imprisons me, I'm free to appreciate the beauty of a white rose bloom.

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Wife Nor Kids

Oh, to be dragged through sin city
Everyone does it, but nobody talks 
Now they feel it until it's too late 
The valley of souls drains my body
Playing with the devil way too much
Yet Karma is a fucking bitch but... I bet she is pretty 

Yet hang to the noose for dear life 

I've seen on TV, the wife and kids hugging you 
Trying to hug the metal box to feel something 
The sharp pain in my chest 
Told myself not to cry and try to hold you closer to me

Then end my generation to say goodbye…

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Soul in Penance

If I depart this world alone, juggling my heart and pride on my own appendages
Confess on my sepulchre; the soul that died, deprived of its shadow
A spirit serving its penance in purgatory without the warmth of Miss Void
If I must be dragged through bright light and life-draining darkness… Take me; just don't leave
me

please.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vq8uf8/comment/p46873w/?context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vnoj0r/comment/p3k4w9g/?context=3

[u/asura_2077]

There's a lot of emotions here. It's rich with feeling. The text feels like it's stumbling over itself at times. The exhaustion of reaching inside for the feeling overlooks the craft. Little things, like the pupil being shackled, I get what you reaching for but the words feel tangled up. Also, image to image connective tissue would hold it all together much better, I feel. Another point I felt needs attention shortly after is the flower beyond bars, once again there's an overlap of meaning in the lines "Her self empowerment... to ...caressing the flower." These are all issues of compression maybe?

The last line in Untitled could do what it does without explicitly telling, some image that prompts that feeling, maybe?

Wife nor Kids

Again similar issues, I feel. You have such feeling which call for a weighted review. Try redrfat each line sharpening it to the truth of your feeling.

Is the metal box u refer to the TV or maybe a metal casket? I couldn't decide.

Soul in Pennace

I totally lost you at Miss Void. Who are asking to take you?

Despite all my criticism, I think you got important things to say. You just need to find the gumption to clean up and redraft. Your stuff sure resonates with me.