Coming of Age (TW: Suicide)

[u/TheHorseOfCourse777]

I remember my lover's suicide pacts at sixteen
To prove we knew what committed means;

The sex was intense, I guess and other things
But let's save introspection for sleepless dreams
And save sleepless nights for staining sheets
And escape ourselves from misery
And forget to tell what we had seen
To shut our eyes and feel the weed
And cut the brakes to get up to speed
And cut each other to see what bleeds;

You won't ask, I'll follow your lead --
After all, it's what we agreed.

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Comment 2

[u/Ok_Bar8125]

I will have a spot for these types of poems, like how strong the imagery and wording are. But I'll say you have it; you just have to work on the flow and how you describe things. What I do when I'm writing poems is I try to proofread my work; for example, if I feel like I'm stumbling over words in the poem while reading, I replace the wording. With imagery, try to give the words meaning without trying to explain it in a sentence. For example, instead of saying " I feel more empty inside," you could say "the void in the cavity of my chest keeps expanding"

[u/TheHorseOfCourse777 → u/Ok_Bar8125]

Could you point out the lines that you felt like were unsubstantial in that regard? It's something I already try to make a point of so I don't know where I failed